Howdy, Messketeers.
Woof. What a week. They’re really turning the fascism dial up to 11 on all fronts here in America. Hope you’re all coping however you cope best.
Not comparable to the rampant state of systemic collapse we’re currently living through, but in news of my own hyper-personal devastation, I was taking Fran for a walk this week and struck up a conversation with an old guy in my neighborhood who promptly called my dog fat……rude. I attempted to explain that she’s not fat, just in max teddy bear fluff mode and is going to get a haircut soon, but he doubled down by calling her “chunky,” adding, “eats too much.” Well then! No one can escape patriarchal beauty standards it seems, not even our four-legged friends!! The dystopic invention of doggie Ozempic feels all but inevitable at this point.
When my dog wasn’t busy being fat-shamed by the elderly,
and I celebrated the launch of the with 100 of our nearest and dearest readers, and it was so much fun!!! I chatted with a million lovely, intelligent people and it was exactly the reminder I needed that I’m not just screaming my thoughts into the void here every week. There’s real folks out there who genuinely, perversely, enjoy my rambling. You can check out some gorgeous pics of that celebration taken by Chloe May Fuller over in Jess’s post about the whole affair, and she also shared links to everything everyone read that night which I implore you to go read. Especially my pick for the night — Karl Lagerfeld’s 2012 diary for Harper’s Bazaar — as it is a foundational Mess text that perfectly encapsulates everything I’ve ever wanted my writing to be. It is brilliant satire that is 100% dead serious. To come up with a phrase as threatening and poignant as “all my friends are dead or don’t exist anymore” is all I’ve ever sought to achieve in this life.
Also, for those wondering, I did in fact end up sneaking out of the party during the happy hour arrivals to go show face at the Balenciaga cocktail party and je ne regrette rien!!!!!!
From there, I went straight into more fashion week shenanigans. Jokes on me though because, as I predicted, KCD invited me to request invitations only to reject 2 out of 3 of those requests……fool me once. But I did end up going to Prabal Gurung, Alexis Bittar, and a handful of other silly, little activations, and I recorded my first ever “vlog” about doing all of that. I’m looking forward to sharing that with you all real soon, and I discovered that having to take out a camera and talk endlessly to myself in public is incredible exposure therapy for someone like myself who finds it extremely cringe to even take selfies. Also! I got recognized TWICE by strangers while strolling the streets of Soho over the weekend. A psychotic ego boost y’all really should not be allowing me to have. (But also I love you, bless you, please stop me every time you see me IRL!)
If today’s title has piqued your interest, it comes straight from a TikTok I bore witness to last week that prompted me to have the thought: “real housewives in a Richard Serra sculpture.” And that turn of phrase has been stuck in my craw ever since. RIP Serra, you would’ve loved Countess Luann de Lesseps singing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” inside of "Torqued Spiral (Closed Open Closed Open Closed)."
And for some reason, Messketeers have been loving the new merch lately, so just a friendly reminder that that exists incase you haven’t checked it out yet:
Also, Getty Images, if you’re out there listening…..I am patiently waiting to collaborate with you on a capsule collection featuring your iconic watermarked photography! Specifically, this image of Joan Rivers at the 2002 Grammys which somehow captures the very essence of my being. With my exquisite taste and your extensive publishing rights, I think it could be big!!
Oh, and please keep an eye out for my new YouTube video coming out on Sunday, if you’re so inclined.
Oook. Well. I actually wasn’t supposed to write you a full newsletter today as it’s ~technically~ a video week, but there are so many pressing updates and outfits I need to share with you all before they get stale that I decided to call an emergency meeting of Mess. Also, I have some very intriguing Emmys attire to share with paid subs after the jump, so you’re going to want to stay tuned for that.
Here we go!
To begin with, wowowowow. I cannot tell you how many times I was sent this cover and tagged in its comment section. The power my imagination wields is absolutely terrifying. If only I could use this gift for good instead of fashion evil. Alas! This is my cross to bear.
If you’re new here or still catching up on what I’ve been yapping about over the past couple of weeks, it’s quite literally, exactly, what you are looking at above. This all started about a month ago when Joe Jonas wore a mock turtleneck tank top photo-printed with an image of his own bodacious bod and I said, yes. More of these uncanny, hyperreal physiques atop real physiques please. From there, we saw a number of riffs off what I’ve casually dubbed the bodies bodies bodies aesthetic including most recently, and freakishly, my joke about the twin who faked grafting his twin’s amputated arm to his chest fully coming to fruition at the VMAs.
I already thought seeing a guy with four arms walk the red carpet was my wildest accidental outfit manifestation to date, and then the next day Glen debuted the results of all his leg day maxxing. Powerful stuff! Although, it does really bother me that this fake belly button isn’t lined up with the real one. Regardless, I’ve been begging for these types of muscle suits for at least two years straight now, so I’ll take it however I can get it.
A (Not So) Rare Payday
And just a note to say, OF COURSE this man opened a steak house and that steak house opened immediately after he proposed to one of the most famous women in the world. A woman he proposed to immediately prior to the start of his final NFL season and the release of her latest album. And I can’t think of a better place to celebrate both their forthcoming nuptials and forthcoming pay days than at the soft launch of Travis’s latest entrepreneurial endeavor.
I was going to make a joke here about some dumb product or insane business venture Travis could embark on next to financially leverage this relationship to the max, but after a quick google of what endorsement deals he’s already booked, it immediately became clear to me that there is quite literally nothing this man won’t do and hasn’t already done for a check. May the enormously lucrative marketing opportunities never cease for these two love birds.
Taste of LiLo
I also just need to alert everyone to the fact that Lindsay Lohan is currently attempting to Taste of Streep herself. And, in classic LiLo fashion, it’s really not working at all and that’s why it’s all working beautifully. I highly recommend taking a swipe through that carousel as each red carpet image/food combo is even more nonsensical and criminally insane than the last. It is the Instagram content equivalent of that dance she did in Mykonos that one time, if that makes sense to anyone who isn’t me. I respect the hustle of her social media manager for attempting to reinvigorating a decade-old Instagram trend, but perhaps leave the outfit mashups to the professional stans.
Going Dotty
As always, it is Julia Fox and Julia Fox alone who can save me from the true fashion doldrums, and all she asks of me in return is that I completely ignore her choice in footwear and whatever the hell her glam squad is getting up to here. My faithful Messketeers know I’ve long since given up trying to rectify either of those situations and have just learned to embrace the fun fashions in whatever haphazard state I find them. Those readers also know I have recently become OBSESSED with Erik Charlotte’s work and was delighted to see a full look of theirs worn to the VMAs last week.
And here is another absolute banger from that designer. It literally checks every Mess box from the dramatically plumed pirate hat to Julia’s areolae attempting to burst forth out of this micro bralette and the jumbo hip pads tied around her waist like a chic life preserver. My one note (aside from shoes/hair/makeup obvs) is that I would’ve loved to see this skirt pulled down ever so slightly in order to reveal more midriff amidst all these polka dots. I think that flash of bare skin would make the overall look feel a little more balanced and mirror the sexiness of the top better. But otherwise, an absolute dream. A faithful execution of everything I’ve ever demanded Julia do in this newsletter. Looking forward to more Him promotional attire!
Anime Eyes and Title Belts
In further news of inspirational ladies, Demi Lovato has a new album to promote which means she has returned to the pap stroll in full fashion force. Most importantly, she attended the Luar show wearing the brand’s sunglasses that I previously expressed my obsession with when Madonna wore them last year as they make the wearer look as though they have giant anime eyes under those shield shades. It feels like such a fun riff off of all the massively surgically-altered faces out there in Hollywood. It’s a blepharoplasty on steroids with no downtime. And given the rise of the doll-inspired beauty trends going on ever since Barbenheimer, these Bratz-caliber eyeballs feel like exactly what’s been missing.
Also, I really do not like this brown cable knit catsuit, I’ve had quite enough unitards from Kim K to last me the rest of my life. But that said, I am obsessed with the idea of making WWE-style champion belts a thing. Although, personally, I would like to see this giant belt buckle creatively used as ad space moving forward. I hate to pass up a walking billboard opportunity when I see one. Someone get Travis on the horn!
Stretch Armstrong Leggings and Post-Op Headgear
Now, if you’re ever curious which trends we’re currently cycling through, I would recommend just taking a gander at whatever Teyana Taylor happens to be wearing that day as she is eternally on the bleeding edge of the zeitgeist, for better or (usually) worse. I actually enjoy many of Teyana’s looks, but as I said in regards to her Met Gala costume this year, I do believe she suffers from a classic case of one-thing-too-many syndrome. Instead of picking a focal point of her outfit, she throws everything at the wall to see what sticks.
Take this ensemble on the left, for example. Do we really need a tie? Does anyone even see the tie? Or is it just adding visual clutter to an already busy outfit. Regardless, I bring this up not to bore you with that tired, old Coco Chanel maxim, but rather because I wanted to point out to you the way these silk leggings are vigorously piling up around her calves and ankles. The Stretch Armstrong look strikes again!
And in equally unlikely trend updates, the very next day, Teyana also debuted her take on the Skims skull shapewear in this backless balaclava by Oude Waag. The perfect accessory for the freshly face-lifted. Just as with the utterly useless spandex scraps Kim K has somehow convinced the public they so desperately need to combat the inevitable march towards death, I find this one to be equally foolish looking. But the most foolish thing of all to me is the fact that Skims did not custom make this for Teyana and thus once again missed out on the easiest PR win in history.
And a Very Yeehaw to You, Sir
In further headgear anomalies I spotted recently, an accessory faux pas this minor typically wouldn’t make it to these pages, but something about the combo of Lori Harvey saying she’s “in [her] country era” while wearing this vintage Chanel pork pie hat really cracked me up and I just needed to share it with you all. It’s like dressing up in full Peaky Blinders garb and then saying “I’m in my coquette balletcore era!” Whatever you say, girl!!!!
Malevolent Gasses
And finally, this is just an incredibly important piece of investigative reportage that came across my desk this week that I need to do my part to make sure is disseminated far and wide. Purposefully AND malevolently you say???? We ride at dawn for our queen, Miriam.
Ok, tragically, it’s time for all my gorgeous freeloading Messketeers to roll out like a tighty-whitie-clad JB driving a segway down a country road. Paid subs, stick with me for all things Emmys yonder over the paywall! And I’ll see the rest of you next week!!!