Who told Rod Stewart about AI?
And who do you think he thinks XXXTentacion is.....
Henlo.
Welcome back to another mind-melting edition of Mess on another glorious summer Friday!
I had a lovely and indulgent birthday week. I hope you all treated yourselves to a cupcake in my honor. I got an amazing massage, as usual, from my go-to Chinatown spot, and I also got an incredible facial that came with an intra-oral massage. I was nervous to have someone stick their latex-covered fingers in my mouth and manipulate my face muscles around from the inside out, but it was actually awesome. I feel like it legitimately changed the shape of my face and also taught me that my left side is way stronger than my right, which has given me something entirely new about myself to obsess over — so that’s fun. Facial musculature imbalance aside, I feel reset and ready to take on my 37th year of life. I also had numerous dinners with numerous friends, and they’ve filled my socialization tank to the max. My friend Madison made me laugh so hard reminiscing about college that I actually wept.
I also went to check out High Valley Books last week with my pod wife
and dear friend of the pod , and it was such a great place to rummage. Much inspo for anyone into old media and a good reminder for those of us who work in media of just how incredibly stagnant the format has become. That trip has also personally inspired me to buy up the entire back catalog of Vogue Paris Collections special edition issues and study these sacred texts. I’ve always wanted to have a perfect Rolodex of designer collections and references in my brain, and I feel like this is how I lay the foundation for that.Speaking of my brain, we’ve officially reached that point of the summer where it feels utterly vacuous in there, and I fear I’m never going to have another interesting thought again. Long-time readers know that this is an annual, if not bi-annual, tradition — a constant, low-grade, simmering fear that is almost completely unfounded but periodically takes powerful hold of my psyche. Just reading a smart book will probably fix all of this, but in the meantime, I must spiral in my inanity.
Thankfully, the launch of the book club is now less than a month away, so big thoughts are on the horizon! It’s called the
if you want to sign up. As we officially announced on the pod this month, it will start on September 1 and I’m so excited! As I explained on the show, you are welcome to subscribe and follow along for free just to get updates about what book we’ll be reading every month, but if you want to join our weekly group chats and monthly zoom meetings, that’s all going to be behind the paywall. Also, we may be planning a little party in September to celebrate all of that…..stay tuned!In additional self-promotional updates, I interviewed Sunday Rose Kidman Urban for Nylon. Well, sort of. I sent Sunday Rose an email filled with a lot of vague questions that she partially answered, but a thrilling development nonetheless. Just doing my part to feed the nepo baby industrial complex. 🫡
This week, paid subscribers got the full rundown on my copious recommendations from the month of July and all of my latest intriguing acquisitions. If that has piqued your interest and you must know everything that I bought, read, watched, and clicked on last month, make sure to upgrade your subscription — especially since next Friday’s email will be exclusively for paid readers. But fear not! The rest of you should have a new monthly recap YouTube video to look forward to if I can get my shit together and in front of some professional camera equipment in time.
Okie dokie then!
I want to begin with the latest promotional efforts for Dave Franco and Alison Brie’s new film Together which is extremely me-coded. For real though, who working on this campaign reads Mess? Because all of these paparazzi stunts have been a little too specifically up my alley. However, clearly, my expertise was not consulted in the formulation of these gimmicks because I would’ve told them exactly why they’re not hitting in the organically viral way they intended. Don’t get me wrong, they’re good! But they could’ve been great.
For one, at the most basic level, the general public does not care about this couple like that. Especially because this obsessive behavior is all transpiring betwixt two long-time married people. If anything, it just makes me think, “man, happy those two freaks found each other.” Now, if someone like Kim could convince Tom Brady to wring out her Skims tank top post-gym sesh and drink her sweat, then we’d REALLY be talking. Dave and Alison also needed to have started seeding this type of behavior into their public appearances long before the promotion for the film began. Make us think you’re actually sexual degenerates doing it for the love of the game before we have the product to directly pin the behavior to. And finally, while the shots above aren’t terrible, it is still my number one complaint about staged paparazzi images that no one is attempting to stage them better. Make the images grainier, take them with a telephoto lens, have the paparazzo hide behind a bush so some branches get in the way. Make it feel organic! Make me believe you don’t know and do not want these photographs taken!!! This used to be an art form. What happened to all the maestros of the medium? The public has become too media savvy for these half-assed setups. Put those acting chops to the test and really sell us beleaguered, fame-hounded celeb getting caught doing something nasty!
Anyway, there’s some free consulting work for all the professional consultants out there reading. Just call me next time.
Post-Op Cosplay
And, of course, you know we have no choice but to briefly touch down upon the utterly pointless Skims x Hannibal Lecter chin strap of it all. Again, I can’t help but feel we have spies in our midst because have I or have I not been yelling at this lady to lean into the “Makeover Madness” of it all and embrace the post-op aesthetic in her street style…
Which brings me to my next point: why is Kim not modeling this skull shapewear herself!? Where are the staged pap shots of her all face-Spanx’d up?? The incredible memes she could’ve spawned if she would just allow herself to look ugly for five seconds! Much like the above, a missed opportunity for easy virality just by wearing one of these out a couple of days before they officially go on sale.
Regardless, I love when Kim immediately proves me right. As I wrote in the newsletter a few weeks ago, Skims is just Kim repackaging and selling back to her fans her own cosmetic procedures in the form of overpriced spandex. And then she went and launched this old-timey toothache special that is actually completely ineffective at snatching anything, and yet exemplifies everything I’ve ever accused her of. Gorgeous! Can’t wait for her to launch the full, skintight balaclava version of this that just has a picture of her own face printed on top of it.1
A Flip-Flop Flop
On the subject of that family disappointing me, Kylie Jenner modeled these monster 5-inch ERL platform flip-flops on Instagram, and I just have to say: walk in them or gtfo. For the last decade, we have been fed this narrative about how the women of this family are supposedly media savants, and yet time and again they miss the most obvious, fun PR stunt right before their very eyes. Although if Kim wants to steal that sweat concept above, I will temporarily retract that statement.
Anyway, what’s interesting about a lifted shoe like this is not simply standing atop them like a step ladder in a still, controlled image, but successfully and effortlessly navigating the world in a truly impossible piece of footwear. This is finally a legitimately great reason to call the paparazzi on yourself, and it is being squandered. Where is Julia Fox when you need her! Also, I would’ve preferred if these clompers were OG aughts Rocket Dogs instead of a new-fangled replica, but now I’m just splitting hairs.
Aryan Rage Bait
Le sigh. I guess I’ll talk a little bit about Sydney Sweeney and her pro-eugenics advertisement for American Eagle blue jeans, even though I am loath to do so as that feels like exactly what they want. I’m thinking I’ll save the bulk of this discussion for the podcast as it seems like a rich text for me and Jess to mine together. But I would just like to say that if this is how you found out that Sydney Sweeney is a Republican, you’re not paying close enough attention. She’s never exactly hidden her right-wing politics. I mean, the blue lives matter birthday party aside, she bought a mansion in Florida last summer…
Anyway, I mostly bring all of this up to say that this heinous ensemble she wore immediately following that controversy to the premiere of her film Americana (👀) feels like the apt punishment she deserves. In fact, looking back, pretty much everything her stylist Molly Dickson has dressed her in over the last couple of years is its own form of self-flagellation. Sydney really doesn’t need our disapprobation over a little aryan nation spon con — she’s doing a great job castigating herself all on her own, one red carpet at a time. The forehead-foreshortening headband in particular feels like a hate crime. I’ve also long warned white women about dabbling in this palette of jaundiced pastels as they inevitably bring out some unflattering undertones. Case in point. Also, having Trump and the Proud Boys publicly endorse your sexiness seems like its own special type of hell.
One thing I will say about the ad specifically, though, is that this whole situation immediately reminded me of Elon Musk sieg-heiling twice on a national stage and then trying to play it off as a totally normal, non-nazi hand gesture. Like, listen, do I think this dumb dog-whistle American Eagle ad is the hill all liberals should die on? Absolutely not. But I would just like to point out that, much like Elon’s salute, it is NOT NORMAL for a denim commercial to collectively set off the nazi alarm in all of our brains. You are not crazy. We all know exactly what we saw and exactly what the intention was behind it. American Eagle read the room and thought they could get away with some tongue-in-cheek white supremacy in this political climate. I do not believe any part of this was an accident. They chose to cynically rage-bait with a white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed republican woman and thought they could shrug it off and keep playing both sides.
Also, if you’ve been reading this newsletter since at least February, this latest ad from American Eagle should come as no surprise, as you already know that AE’s marketing team has been moving weird. I was already side-eyeing them back then for that full-throated lie they told about Kendrick Lamar’s jeans at the Super Bowl that they then paid DeuxMoi to publish as a blind item. So this Sydney ad and their failure to backtrack on it, to me, just seem like par for the disingenuous course.
Wet ‘n’ Wild
On a much lighter, much more irrelevant note, thank you to Charli XCX for perfectly demonstrating the thrill of the “wardrobe malfunction” I’m always talking about in this email, and for taking the Di Petsa wet look to the next level of sexy. I know she just sat in baby oil or something during this photo shoot, but this is the first time sheer has felt fresh to me in ages. The thong casually revealed through the diaphanous layer of drenched silk feels transgressive. There’s a wet t-shirt contest eroticism to it. We’re being invited to view what we’re not supposed to see, and I think whenever celebrity clothing can inspire that sensation of voyeurism and wrongdoing in the public, you’re on to something potent in this attention-starved landscape. As always, Charli has managed to capture something extremely of the moment.
Throwing Shapes
A-ha! Well, there’s Julia Fox when I need her! She’s promoting her new movie Him, so she’s suddenly been dressing a little extra weird again this week. Though I have to say, still pretty formulaically weird for her, which is disappointing. It’s been a LOT of these wide-shouldered bodysuits and sports jerseys all week. As always, I am intrigued by each of the various elements that compose these outfits, but hate them all combined. As the president of the V. Stiviano visor fan club and a champion of Kim K’s bondage mask era, you already know I love this choice in face-obscuring shades. I also love the extended wingspan of this knit leotard. If I can’t have a crone shoulder, at least I can have a linebacker one. But, weirdly, my favorite part is actually the way these shoes are laced up over the jeans. Not the concept — Rihanna has been doing this for ages —but rather the weirdly geometric structure being created atop this loose denim thanks to those tightly crisscrossed leather strings. It reminded me of all the big shapes we’ve been seeing in gowns this year, and I realized I would love to see that play out in pants as well!
Sting Style Supremacy
As I said above, I haven’t been so moved by a piece of knitwear in a minute, so I thought I would share it with you all again here. This photo was taken while Sting was having lunch with a bunch of other old, super rich guys, and there’s something so classically wealthy to me about this sweater — and the tunic-length is the least of it. The palpable quality of the material, the delicate thinness of the weave, the effortless slouch of it all! The best way I can explain it is that it feels like something an Olsen would wear on a 110-degree day.
Guitar Solo
Unfortunately, much like Lindsay, it’s about time for me to peace out. But before I pack it up for the weekend, I just wanted to point out this pint-sized guitar clutch meant to harken back to the full-sized axe Jamie Lee Curtis wields on the 2003 Freaky Friday movie poster. While it is my staunch opinion that Blake Lively and the Kardashians have ruined the impact of a well-placed novelty Judith Lieber bag due to aggressive overuse, a good size joke is eternal, and this one really hits for me. Although, because I have an internet-broken brain, it did also instantly remind me of YouTuber Colleen Ballinger’s iconic non-apology apology video composed of a haunting ukulele solo. My one note here is that I would’ve loved to have seen Lindsay do a lot more intentionally campy poses with this purse on the red carpet, but I suppose that’s really more Blake’s domain.
All right, that’s it on the Mess front for today. Farewell, sweet friends! Don’t let the MGK sleep paralysis demon get you!!!
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And if she ever does actually start selling that product, you better believe I will sue.
Not the 'toxic gossip train' couture, lol! I love your brain.
the Skims thing is a rip-off of Jane Krakowski's face bra https://allymcbeal.fandom.com/wiki/Only_the_Lonely