Christian Girl Autumn is CANCELED
And Mess is the potato chip bag filled with cash of newsletters.
Good day, Messketeers!
I’m once again in Maine on a mini vacay visiting my family and experiencing chilly weather for the first time in what feels like an eon. While I am happy to see my parents and sisters, I am mostly majorly looking forward to all of the fantastic food I’m about to eat and have been thinking about all summer long since I first had it. Namely, the homemade soft serve at Fish & Whistle and the Tuna de Tigre at Mr. Tuna, both of which I would mainline if I could.
This trip is also a much-needed respite as I spent literal HOURS on Monday attempting to do the impossible, by which I mean canceling my Optimum wifi subscription. I have long hated Optimum with a fiery passion that is difficult to sum up in words, but for years they had a total monopoly on internet service to my area of Brooklyn. I went in circles with them over and over and OVER again during this conversation in which I repeatedly insisted that there was no discount, no bundle deal, no promises they could make me to lure me back to the fold as I truly despise their business, and yet still they persisted in haggling with me at every turn, taking an eternity to “pull up my account” after every offer and rebuff. Even as the Verizon Fios man was actively in my apartment setting up my new service. Let me also take this hellacious opportunity to warn you all that I have never had a worse internet provider than Optimum. Not only was it wildly overpriced (something that only became radically more apparent the longer I talked to their bot), but it also drops out CONSTANTLY. If you can avoid it, you must.
When not raging against the AI chatbot, I scampered up to Greenpoint bright and early on Sunday morning to meet my friend Spencer at Happy Medium to make our very own lamps! Spencer and I first met at the New York Post where I noticed he kept a steady stream of UNHhhh episodes playing in the background as he worked and I immediately felt we were kindred spirits, not only for the Trixie & Katya of it all, but because I was likewise binging old seasons of Love Island UK as I churned out my blog posts. We’ve stayed in touch ever since and have developed a little tradition of taking various novelty craft classes together that usually result in some decidedly middling products. This, however, was very much the exception to that rule! Both of our lamps are truly gorge, I now know how to wire something in an extremely rudimentary fashion should I decide low-grade electrician is a career I wish to pursue in the future, and my hand-sewing skills were put to the ultimate test and it became clear to me that all of the time spent darning my stupid socks is actually paying off in that I can now do a stitch that while not uniformly even is also not as alarmingly off-kilter as it once was.
And on Friday, my pal Julia reminded me that going to see standup comedy is fun and something I should be incorporating into my life way more often. This may seem obvious, sure, but it’s a habit that I’ve totally fallen out of post-pandemic and was delighted to fall back into. We went to check out Honey Pluton who I was previously unfamiliar with, but absolutely killed it. And afterwards, Julia and I discussed how we both have been going to shows to support comedians like Cole Escola, John Early, and Bridget Everett for the last decade and what a thrill it is to see these people we’ve always known are comedic geniuses worthy of all the fame and accolades in the world finally break into mainstream consciousness. I also had an absolutely fantastic burger at Union Hall which is reason in and of itself to get my butt out of the house more often.
Now, in self-promotional news, my most treasured Messketeer
gave my newsletter a very generous and humbling shoutout this week. As I wrote on Notes, Sam was literally the first person I did not know in real life and who I was not directly related to who paid for my newsletter, and her endorsement of my writing is honestly what convinced me this whole endeavor was worth pursuing even when I was only screaming my unhinged fashion theories at a couple of hundred people every week. If someone as insanely funny as Sam thinks I am funny, maybe I actually am!!!Today, paid subs were treated to part two of my recap of The Battle of Versailles by Robin Givhan and I’ve now made the first part of that series public over on YouTube so everyone can get a taste of the type of fashion history deep dives they’ve been missing out on and that I hope to do more of in the future:
I also designed some I Heart Mess merch this week as I know people have expressed some interest in that in the past. There’s quite a few cute options in there for anyone who is so inclined. And if any readers happen to own a clothing brand or print shop and would like to help me create a Mess capsule collection in a more glam, personalized way — I’m more than amenable to such an arrangement. But in the meantime, I hope these silly tees, stickers, baby onesies, and other random paraphenalia will tide you over.
Also, next week, it’s once again time for our exclusive paid subs livestream in which we can yap about whatever we goddamn please. And I’m curious what day/time would work best for folks? Please lmk in the poll or the comment section below and I will do my best to accommodate!!!
And lastly, while I think today’s title is pretty self-explanatory, if you’re wondering what has befallen Christian Girl Autumn this year, look no further than this wildly melodramatic TikTok from the poster girl of that tired old meme. I say that, but I will absolutely miss her knee-high boots, light-wash denim, and wide-brimmed felted hat as the seasons start to change.
Okie dokie, my dudes. Let’s get it!
I’d just like to begin today’s installment with a gentle PSA which is: Let’s leave the fashion criticism to the professionals. Just because the internet has given us all access to imagery of celebrities wearing clothing does not mean we are all experts on either subject. And most importantly, just because you have opinions does not mean you have taste. Says the woman with ten million opinions she inflicts upon you every week without having ever demonstrated a modicum of refinement.
But come on, this is a reach, my friends. This is a normal ass gown if I’ve ever seen one. It’s literally not even worth meme-ing on because of how extraordinarily regular it is. It is not aluminum foil. It is just metallic silver. All you are doing by goofing on Dakota here is telling me that you have not been paying attention at all to the red carpet for the last ~four years while we were in the THICK of the Rick Owens Prong dress era. Besides, honestly, a dress made entirely out of Reynolds Wrap would be a lot cooler than this custom Gucci…..
Really, I guess all I’m saying is, if we must play armchair Cathy Horyn (and believe me, I must), let’s at least save it for attire truly worthy of our clownery.
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.
Speaking of clownery! Kim….I know you’re reading this. And I’m not sure what’s more frustrating to me at this point, the overt pilfering of my carefully constructed PR strategies for you or the fact that you’re STILL not executing them properly or on a timeline that would actually make them impactful.
JK I know Kim is not really reading this (sort of), but as always I do feel we are freakishly mind-melded because what the hell is this except exactly verbatim what I said should have happened BEFORE the launch of her skull Spanx. At this point, we know this is just an advertorial. The intrigue is gone. The mystery flattened into marketing.
Also, this outfit is stupid and proof of just how far the mighty have fallen. Because while I saw a lot of vague coverage of this Instagram post and Kim’s jaunt to South Korea for “skincare,” what I saw absolutely no mention of is the mirror selfie she posted in the midst of this post-op carousel featuring her Saint Laurent outfit composed exclusively out of a pair of sheer tights pulled up over the bosom, really jacking Lourdes Leon’s whole schtick. Further evidence that we are lightyears away from the days of the “nothing to wear lol” Paris bathroom selfie heard round the world. The gimmick has exhausted itself, after all we’ve got ladies flashing full labia at this point. We have moved on culturally to all new forms of outrage bait, and yet Kim still doesn’t understand how to properly adapt to the new nudity Overton window she created. This is exactly the type of massive red flag I always warn her about when it comes to the upkeep and evolution of her particular brand of fame that she refuses to acknowledge, likely believing she has reached the point of being too big to fail. And we all know how that turns out.
Also, just a note to say that she has once again flubbed this whole trip to South Korea thing because it would’ve been a perfect opportunity for her to follow in Kris, Kylie, and Khloé’s footsteps and dip her toe into the performative transparency end of the plastic surgery pool by owning up to whatever tweaks and tightenings she got done while she was over there. And yet…..
Abs on Abs
Now this, on the other hand, is some overt body modification I can get down with. For some reason Joe Jonas wore this mock turtleneck tank top photo-printed with a muscular physique that bares a striking resemblance to his own. In fact, is this just his own torso printed atop his torso?? Because I absolutely love that idea. It’s like using your body as a billboard to promote your own naked body while remaining completely covered up. You are simultaneously giving the people exactly what they want while completely withholding it, and I think there’s an incredible tension and power inherent in that sort of contradiction being contained within a single garment.
Enter the Hyperreal
Further proving that point, I know that this type of Schiaparelli oxford shoe is nothing new but, again, there’s something about this particular pair on Matthew Gray Gubler that stopped me dead in my tracks. Much as LeBron did the other week, Matthew is likewise demonstrating how men can tastefully get their tootsies out while saving something for a foot fetish OnlyFans down the road. It also almost looks like he legitimately has baby feet à la that Kristen Wiig SNL character, Dooneese.
And, as with the faux six pack atop a real six pack above, I think the more realistic we can get with this sort of body layered atop the body illusion the better. Fashion has long been warping the physique in outlandish ways, whether that’s into geometric shapes, tumorous protrusions, or Stretch Armstrong-inspired proportions. I think a logical next step would be fully embracing the realm of the hyperreal. I’m not just talking about the trompe l’oeil trend from circa 2022, but something more in the vein of JoJo Siwa and Doechii’s muscle suits from the end of last year. Or like mannequin parts strapped atop every appendage. We could even dabble in the realm of TRUE body horror, like those twins who faked amputating one of their arms and transplanting it onto the other’s chest!
Jaden Smith Requires Your Attention…Again
As loathe as I am to give Jaden the attention he’s so fervently clamoring for, I was moderately charmed by this bunny bonnet by Dutch brand Yume Yume that he wore to the Highest 2 Lowest screening. Not only does it touch on the animalistic overtones we’ve seen in celeb garb over the course of this year, but it’s also clear that Jaden has landed on what he views as his foolproof look-at-me strategy, pairing a funky chapeau with a boring suit, much like his Grammys look that featured a doll house worn as a helmet.
I honestly could’ve let this particular ensemble pass by completely unremarked upon, but when searching for this image, I then stumbled across this shot of Jaden taken in May at the Louis Vuitton runway show that I am now furious with myself for not finding and disseminating at the time, so I must do it now. His posing like a lawn jockey or an old-timey hypebeast lighthouse keeper is so funny to me and a dimension of his PR antics that I need him to explore more in depth. I need him to do more thematic and dramatic red carpet posing. In all of these images, he is holding this lantern-shaped Louis Vuitton bag aloft as though it is guiding him through a dark and stormy night. The only way this could have been improved for me is if he had popped an actual candle in there.
Chatelaines Incoming!
Ok, and I don’t have much to say about either of these ladies’ sartorial accoutrements, but I wanted to provide this brief little accessory update as they both touched on micro trends I’ve mentioned in the past that might finally (fingers crossed) be coming to fruition in a serious way this fall.
For starters, Tracee Ellis Ross wore this head-to-toe Willy Chavarria fit that prominently features a chic keychain dangling from the waist. You might recall last year I pointed out this fob-forward look on Pharrell Williams as well as on the runways at Balenciaga. And, as always, I am just delighted to see that we are still tip-toeing ever closer to the arrival of the modern chatelaine that could potentially free us from purses forever.
As for Kourtney Kardashian, this is a breast adornment that I’ve long wondered why celebs are not incorporating more heavily into their street style given their fixation on pilfering every idea the sex shop aisles have to offer. Kourt’s faux nipple piercing wallet chain is good, but I’m still waiting on people to pick up what Iris Law was putting down at the beginning of last year when she attached a pair of nipple clamps to the outside of her silk negligee to create an extremely cool and edgy look. But I feel like we’re going to be waiting a lot longer for that to transpire as I haven’t even been able to successfully convince any of these people to step out in the Thierry Mugler Spring 1998 nipple ring dress and I don’t understand why not!!!!
And finally, I’d like to close out today with this ensemble worn by US Open champion Aryna Sabalenka to promote Dobel Tequila for some reason. I don’t know anything about Aryna, but I was immediately struck by this soft, structural, padded denim peplum. The hip-extending, silhouette-altering pannier trend has at long last trickled down so far that it’s now found its way onto the most casual of clothing items. Phenomenal stuff. It’s a more practical iteration of those double-wide, crumb-catching Ksenia Schneider jeans I showed you like two months back crossed with that sensational Alaïa Fall 2025 dress Rihanna just wore. I enjoy this plush dungaree iteration and it also made me think of those kids swimsuits that have built-in flotation devices which is something I would LOVE to see incorporated into high fashion. Give me a gown that can double as a life raft in case of a flash flood.
Ok, my gorgeous girlies! That’s it for today. I hope you have a fabulous, selfie-filled weekend and I’ll see you all next week! <3
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