This is a Moo Deng fan cam

BRB on sabbatical due to my clandestine affair with RFK Jr.

Nymphia Wind serving peapod at the Emmys.

Howdy, folks!

Hope your September is transitioning you gently into the fall season ahead. There’s not much to report here at Mess HQ other than the fact that I was recently reunited with my beloved Trader Joe’s fig cookies. For some reason, I always forget to buy these on the rare occasion I find myself in that grocery store, but this time I remembered and they remain, by far, the ultimate fig cookie. If you are a Newton fan, run don’t walk to your closest TJs to have your world absolutely rocked. This is also exactly the type of superlative, scintillating information you’d already be well aware of by now if you subscribed to Mess Recommends where I endorsed these months ago, just FYI.

This week, I also started reading again in a serious way because when it comes to all the subjects I write about in this email, I am completely self-taught (as you probably could’ve guessed). I picked up everything I know about fashion, celebrity, and pop culture while on the job and thanks to a deep-seated passion for acquiring gossip wherever I can get it. But this mode of information gathering also means that there are some pretty glaring holes in my knowledge, especially when it comes to more traditional fashion history, vocabulary, and theory, and so I’ve decided that to take this newsletter to the next echelon of know-it-all-ism, I need to take steps to fill in those gaps with some serious book learning. So I am constructing my own one-woman crash course on the fashion industry and giving myself weekly reading assignments to complete. I’m currently slowly picking my way through a book on the history of the couture industry in Europe, brushing up on some of the big thinkers in fashion/literary theory, and studying the phenomenon that is the rise of 20th-century celebrity culture. I’ve been really enjoying it so far and can already feel some fresh perspectives starting to take root in my brain.

One fun fact I learned this week is that Charles Frederick Worth was really that guy. He was the first truly famous dressmaker, is largely responsible for why Paris couture has the reputation that it does today, and literally invented showing dresses to his clients on models. He also said this quote that I think is pretty great and really cuts to the heart of exactly what’s wrong with fashion today: “My work is not only to execute but especially to invent. My originality is the secret of my success. I don’t want people to dictate what they want to buy; if they did I should lose half my trade.” (Emphasis, obviously, my own.) So yeah, expect more annoying quotations like that from me for the foreseeable future, and I’ll put a list of all the books I’ve been poking around in the next Mess Recommends link roundup. If you have any suggestions on absolute must-reads in this category, reply to this email or shoot me a DM because I’d love to take a look!!! And if anyone would like to join me in this Mess fashion book club, we can definitely do that as well.

Because of this influx of knowledge, I’ve also been tentatively getting into the app Notion, which is perhaps the most dorky, 30-something-year-old thing I’ve ever typed. I’m predominately using it as a place to organize my notes and quotes from these books that I want to be able to refer back to in the future, as well as a sort of digital bullet journal for to-do lists and daily schedules because I find checking off boxes to be extremely satisfying. I’m almost positive one of you recommended I do this back at the beginning of the year when I was just embarking on my pen-and-paper lazy habit tracker routine, but unfortunately this is an app revelation I had to come to by myself the hard way. If any of you are familiar with that platform and have any templates you’d like to recommend that I deploy in order to radically better my life, I demand that you tell me.

As for today’s title, if you aren’t familiar with Moo Deng by now you need to stop reading this email immediately and go consume all of the footage that exists of that perfect, beautiful, extremely moist boy. I love when the entire internet can unite in our shared love of something that cannot be milkshake duck’d. Moo is only capable of delivering us pure joy and unadulterated hits of serotonin. Yes, I know we had the baby hippo Fiona before this, but unlike Fiona, in addition to being extremely cute and chunky, Moo also bites and screams. He is pure id. A cathartic release from modern society’s rules of decorum. That said, I need people to stop trying to fuck this up for all of us by throwing water bottles in to his enclosure to wake him up. He is a BABY. Let him sleep, you freaks!!!!!

Oh, and while I know it’s nowhere near as exciting as a pygmy hippo whose name translate to “bouncy pork,” thanks so much to everyone who checked out my first YouTube video! It’s greatly appreciated, and I’m already cooking up some powerful visuals for the second installment coming up soon. If there’s anything in particular you’d like to see me chat about on the record, please let me know.

For the second week in a row, I accidentally wrote paid subs a 5,000 word magnum opus about both my harrowing journey to the DMV and the harrowing journey that was the VMAs red carpet. I also shared my many, many thoughts on what all these new pop girls should be doing with their creative direction, including a pretty genius PR stunt for Sabrina Carpenter, if I do say so myself. Next week, we’ll be chatting in depth about a trend I’ve dubbed “bagmaxxing,” so sign up to receive all of that good stuff.

Well, well, well.

Starting today’s missive out on a gorgeous foot — almost as gorgeous as Moo Deng himself — it’s my pleasure to announce that the first Universal Studios Hollywood Halloween Horror Nights celebrity portrait has arrived courtesy of Bebe Rexha and, with it, we may now officially enter the fall season. This is my own personal equinox. There is no greater autumnal tradition than various D-listers paying a visit to this haunted theme park attraction to get photographed posing seductively amidst some spooky, scary Spirit Halloween critters. In a time of great uncertainty and political upheaval, what a comfort it is to know we can still always count on these all-American, self-promotional traditions.

I also just need you all to know that the Blake-lash may have subsided for now, but I am still hot on these two’s trail. With the anger beginning to subside as we move on to bigger, more relevant celebrity outrages (hello, Diddy), Blake and Ryan’s public image rehabilitation tour has kicked off in earnest. Mark my words. These two are going to be walking up and down the streets of New York City every day for the next month until they push all those negative tabloid headlines onto page 20 of their google search results. I do think it’s funny how flagrant they’re being about it though. These are some of the most obvious pre-planned paparazzi shots I’ve seen since Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas during the pandemic. I mean these are two people who we literally never see out in public. Before this particular promotional cycle for both of their films, when is the last time you even recall getting a candid paparazzi shot of them walking around anywhere? This is a couple who lives in Connecticut and doesn’t even let the press known the names of their children, or that they’ve had another one, until many years after the fact. And now, suddenly, photographers have found a way to surreptitiously document their every move on the daily…..ok! But much like when Ben and Ana were doing this, I always can’t help but wonder why no one seems to be able to figure out how to stage these photo shoots in a more subtle, believable manner. Even just putting a shrub between yourself and the paparazzo or allowing an assistant to pass in between them and the camera in one, singular shot I think could make a world of difference in terms of believability and plausible deniability. Anyway, looking forward to these continued shows of solidarity! And I’m sure Chanel is loving being the unofficial brand sponsor of these pap strolls!!!

Ok. Now, I’m going to need you to either go over to my Twitter or really zoom in on everything happening above so that you can get a real good gander at these two images. Because it’s an exceedingly rare occurrence, but every now and then, a paparazzi shot transcends the medium of gossip rag into the realm of pure artistic masterpiece. And that is exactly what has happened here with these photos of Lottie Moss taking a tumble (or a TUMBLE, as the Daily Mail put it) outside of the Burberry fashion week party. Somewhere out there, Juergen Teller is weeping right now over the fact that he did not take these photos. I’m genuinely obsessed. Make this the centerfold of the September Vogue issue. Splash it across a Marc Jacobs billboard. Hang it in the Louvre. The fur against the cobblestones? Falling, yet keeping your cigarette and phone perfectly safe?? The LESS IS MORE rhinestoned across her butt???? I’m sorry, but that’s HIGH ART.

Speaking of celebrating the arts. The Emmys took place this week and they proved to be pretty uninspiring to me from a fashion perspective, especially in the wake of the VMAs and its endless stream of mise-en-abyme homages. But I think this is a longstanding problem with the awards show line-up, forcing viewers to go from the highs of absurdist performance art ensembles one week to the lows of extremely sedate black tie the next. The Emmys can’t help but flop sartorially in this time slot.

Anyway, while I found it to largely be the same humdrum gowns and tuxedos it always is, there were two gentlemen in attendance who I felt both provided us with some crucial red carpet reminders. The first being Tyler James Williams who demonstrated that he’s an honor roll student at the school of Timmy Chalamet thirst trappery. Not only is the choice in sleeveless suit top a dead giveaway of his tutelage, but he’s even doing the Wonka star’s signature jewelry spon con poses. With this gentle hand clasp so that every ring is perfectly on display and facing towards the cameras, Tyler has made it clear that he’s working overtime for that Tiffany & Co. check and deserves every penny. I’m also amazed at how effective the step-and-repeat bicep flex remains as a best-dressed tactic despite more and more aspiring Hollywood heartthrobs catching on to the gimmick. But then again, I’m glad we’re all showing male celebrities nothing but unbridled enthusiasm for every “daring,” arm-baring choice such as this because we need to be egging on menswear towards a much sluttier place and I believe bolstering this confidence is step one towards achieving that goal.

RuPaul also reminded me that I love a man in a fancy cuban heel. I’ve brought this up before when Takashi Yamazaki did it at the Critic’s Choice Awards and when Robert Downey Jr. did it at the BAFTAs after that, and yet famous men still absolutely refuse to give themselves a little boost with a tasteful heel, opting instead to break their femurs in half. RuPaul’s red bottoms also give a fun pop of color to this all black look, as does the chunky rhinestone lapel. I would, however, advise against his insistence on the cowboy hat as while he does look undeniably fabulous wearing one, I feel it only serves to remind the public of his ties to Wyoming and his fracking empire that lies therein. Not very yee-haw.

There were two other men at the Emmys who I would also like to celebrate for taking some big fashion swings, but they also both reminded me that we must free male actors who want to dress just a little bit more fabulously from the tyranny of Christian Siriano. My apologies to Mr. Siriano as I understand he’s built his business entirely on finding much-needed niche’s to fill in the red carpet space. First, by making custom dresses for plus-size famous women when literally no one else would, and now by facilitating the realization of more androgynous fashion that blurs the line between traditional men and women’s wear for actors who aren’t necessarily famous enough yet to request custom looks from big brand names. And It’s not that I even dislike these outfits all that much, it’s just that I feel someone else could be designing and fabricating them so much better. Well, ok, I actually need to at least partially retract that statement because I do actually hate Harvey Guillén’s overcoat (left). The organza is too floaty. I don’t like the way it just barely touches the ground like that. It needs a modicum more heft and another foot of train. I also feel like the sheer jacket sleeve needs to match the shirt underneath. Either pull a Tyler James Williams and go full gun show or pop a long sleeve on that button-down. I think part of my anti-Siriano stance also comes from that fact that I love Harvey’s adventurous and playful approach to red carpet dressing and his willingness to flash some flesh and because of that open-mindedness I have seen that designer put him in one too many terrible lace jumpsuits and dramatic shoulder ruffles. I am ready for a true luxury brand to put some respect on Harvey’s name.

And in light of all of that, I actually think Chris Perfetti’s Siriano look (right) came out relatively fine. This copiously ruffled top and wide-leg trouser is something I could totally see Loewe sending one of the Challengers boys out in, or even Harry Styles when he was trying to convince us all that he was way more Bowie-esque than he actually is. I guess my only point at the end of the day is that I would just like to see way more big fashion houses and way more famous men start to follow Harvey and Chris’s leads and occupy this sort of genderqueer fashion space without making a big deal about it.

My most faithful Messketeers know I feel extremely strongly about a classic fashion size joke. And Rihanna with her $5500 XXXL YSL yeti purse perfectly fits that bill. For those wondering, the bag is made out of “dyed lamb hair” and, apologies for my ignorance, but is that not just wool…? In this case, chemically straightened wool colored to look like rabbit fur, but wool nonetheless. Not that I’m complaining! Just genuinely curious about how these things get labeled. If we’re using wool to imitate fur that ultimately seems like a move in a net positive direction. But regardless, between the return of torso-sized handbags and Rih tucking these skinny jeans into these scrunchy pirate boots, I’m afraid to say that Charli XCX may have actually done the impossible and resurrected indie sleaze from the grave. It seems we’re all really doomed to live through the year 2010 all over again. Although hopefully this time around we can leave the shutter shades and tiny mustache tattoos in the past where they belong.

Now, let’s check in for a moment on a classic Mess trend that ushered us in to this wild year in fashion — visible butt crack. Irina Shayk kicked off her London Fashion Week by flashing some intergluteal cleft at the Mowalola show in this plunging back mini dress. But I actually am not even bringing this up to chat bumpsters, but rather to praise Irina for giving us this end of summer innovation on the aesthetic by flashing not only crack, but G-string tan lines. Love! As I said back when Kim did that 70s ski chalet Skims shoot with Nadia Lee Cohen that turned out to be a shot for shot recreation of a real 70s ski chalet shoot from Lui magazine, we’re not playing with the idea of strong tan lines and light sunburns enough these days. Bring back the sun tan temporary tattoos of my 90s youth. One of fashion’s greatest passions is taking things traditionally considered to be trashy and reincorporating the aesthetic into something very high end and expensive and, in that light, I can really see this type of “invisible” sunburn underwear taking off on the runway, peeking out from under tube tops and low-slung jeans. In fact, somebody call up Dsquared2.

Loooong time readers will also recall that I’ve been a vocal advocate of the bikini bod optical illusion big tee as an offshoot of the big trompe l’oeil trend of 2022. But there’s something about it being done using an actual picture of that person’s body in a bikini, as Shay Mitchell has done here, that takes the uncanny valley effect to all new heights of fab. It’s such an interesting self-promotional billboard for your own hotness, giving you the full Victoria’s Secret fantasy while actually giving you nothing at all. This feels like a concept the Kardashian should’ve been all over ages ago. Kim’s censor bar nudes photo printed on Skims night dresses when!!!!

And finally, our Renaissance Faire Fall continues…..I told paid subs on Wednesday, and I quote, “the sooner we can all shimmy into some Merlin-inspired muumuus the better off we’ll be.” And who should come sauntering out in his warlock’s finest the very next day, complete with metallic nail and gnarled cane, but Mr. Al Pacino himself. Sure, he’s only wearing this because he’s currently filming some adaptation of King Lear, but I’m not going to let a little detail like that stop me from enjoying a luscious, gilded, velvet robe during peak leaf peeping season.

Oomfie and excellent fashion journalist Alexandra Hildreth also reminded me this week of a tweet she penned earlier this summer about the rise of “weirdieval” fashion on TikTok, a trend consisting of various modern interpretations on armor. And between that, what came down the Prada runway yesterday, and what I’ve been documenting for you here in these pages which I would categorize as more of a true Dungeons & Dragons cosplay situation, it’s almost impossible to deny that it’s all coalescing into a real Knight’s Tale fashion bacchanal. Now we just need to get a sword and a stone in the mix here so we can kick off this 21st century Camelot right.

Ok, well much like Mariah Carey, I’ve got to go get my daily steps in so I’m going to get to hoofin’. Thank you all so much for reading this small but mighty newsletter, the only one that offers you an unsolicited stream of consciousness condemnation on bad celebrity fashion every single Friday. Have a great weekend everyone, and I’ll see you all again next time! Zai jian!!!

Ta-da!!!!:

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