Greetings, my gorgeous Messketeers, and happy Friday!
I hope you’re all doing well. I was informed after last week’s newsletter that I did not in fact invent ugly bullet journaling (lol), but it is still helping me stay somewhat on top of my goals and habits. It’s actually particularly helpful is showing me what things I say I want to do every week and then literally never get around to. Which is also why I decided this week that I need to start taking myself to the library down the road from my apartment for some uninterrupted study hall hours. Since remote working began, it’s become abundantly clear to me that my ability to procrastinate in my own home knows no bounds and, while I love the idea of working in a coffee shop, the reality is that I inevitably make a particularly loud person in that environment my sworn enemy and then spend too much of my time in a psychological kerfuffle of silent frustration instead of actually doing the work I’ve gone there to do. And as someone who went to Reed College where all work is done in a library where you get violently shushed if you so much as have a whisper conversation with your desk mate, I feel like perhaps returning to such an environment will jumpstart the latent productive member of society within me. We shall see.
Other than color coding my life and trying to regress to 18-year-old me in terms of my study habits, this week I’ve also had a revelation about an app that I have had on my phone for months now but only just started using three days ago — Too Good To Go. Are you guys hip to this money-saving hack?? So far, I’ve only used it to load up on copious amounts of bagels, pastries, and empanadas, but I am blown away by the bags of culinary treasures that these restaurants are throwing at me for $5 a pop. If any of you live in a fancier area than Bushwick, I’m sure that there’s even more unbelievable giveaways to score and I need you to report back to me on what types of mystery bags you’re loading up on out there. I just discovered that my favorite little Japanese mini mart in the neighborhood occasionally participates in these giveaways and you best believe I will be stalking them on that app until I have a fridge full of onigiri.
As I informed paid subscribers earlier this week, I’ve also been on a real bad TV bender, specifically in the corny romance category, and I need any and all recommendations you’ve got because I’m moving through content at an alarming clip. I’ve always been a rabid media consumer, as you’ve probably gathered from the contents of this newsletter, but in the past couple of years I’ve developed a very sick habit of playing stuff in the background while I work which has ramped this up to an untenable degree. Hence why I’ve also immersed myself in the wild world of YouTube creator drama. Anyway, I am open to suggestions on all fronts, just don’t say One Day because I binged it over the weekend and the ending did not emotionally devastate me, as it did so many, it just pissed me off and made me even more afraid of riding a bike in the city than I already am.
This week’s Sloppy Seconds was largely dedicated to the many looks that came down the BAFTA and the People’s Choice Awards red carpets. In general, I’ve been slowly shifting that newsletter to be more of a first look at the outfits and stories that are intriguing me the most this week versus just spillover images from the week before. And since so many events have been happening over the weekend lately, that means you guys have been missing out on a glut of my alarming fashion opinions. I’ll also be putting the vast majority of my thoughts on big award show ceremonies behind the paywall moving forward, which means that with the Oscars and the Met Gala coming up, you might want to fork over that $5 for my premium thoughts sooner rather than later.
BTW a reader kindly emailed me last week to inform me that every single stinking episode of BUG JUICE is available on the Camp Waziyatah website in a Google Drive and I truly can’t believe my luck. Please join me in this deeply nostalgic rewatch! Let’s chat about it on Discord! And as our readership is now well past the 10K mark, I guess I have to start figuring out the details of the Mess live show that I promised to deliver upon reaching this milestone. But in the meantime, to celebrate this momentous occasion in Mess history, here’s perhaps the cutest photo of Fran I’ve ever taken after she spent an afternoon aggressively romping through the snow:
Ok, the hour is nigh!
To kick off today’s newsletter, I must quickly note yet another great victory for my fashion soothsaying abilities. 2024 is quickly proving to be the year that everything I’ve ever said about celebrity fashion comes to fruition because I once again predicted the return of this exact ensemble roughly two years ago. As I said about my mind-meld with Beyoncé' and her stainless steel merkin the other week, in 2022 I tweeted in response to all the Y2K looks that were starting to pop up at the time that famous people needed to start wearing these circuitboard ensembles from Alexander McQueen’s Fall 1999 collection for Givenchy, electrocution be damned. One year later, Bey obliged in the very catsuit I had referenced, minus the faulty wiring, and now here’s Zendaya in another glow-in-the-dark look from that same collection. Very interesting! Now between this, Margiela, and Julia Fox’s exposed labia at fashion week, with all of this successful trend forecasting under my belt, I’m just wondering when actual celebrities and fashion brands are going to start listening to me — or better yet, paying me cold hard cash — to do this on their behalf. If it was up to me, all of Hollywood would’ve been wearing pubic hair wigs and Zendaya’s archival McQueen and Mugler pieces a full two years ago! Let Mess make Hollywood fun again!!!
And yet another of my predictions appears to be bearing fruit. Butt cleavage has officially become the new regular cleavage of 2024, as evidenced here by Normani and her Theophilio catsuit. Yes, we’ve had exposed thongs for well over a calendar year, but I’m more interested in the way that the bumster is now also starting to enter the conversation and be reimagined for our more nudity-tolerant era. It reinvigorates last year’s played-out exposed underwear trend by adding back in an element that still feels a little scandalous, especially when highlighted in a cutout in this manner. And much like the butt-framing gown of my disastrous dreams from the AVN Awards that I showed paid subscribers the other week, I think what really works about this look is how completely covered up it is from the front which only adds to the shock of seeing it from the rear. The mullet of XXX apparel, if you will.
I also love when everyone suddenly remembers that the Kardashian Kloset grift exists and then gets mad at them all over again for it. While Messketters know all too well that I have always found this side hustle of theirs to be the most shameless, pathetic money grab of any A-lister out there, trying to pawn off a self-tanner stained Birkin for $70K is pretty wild, even for them. Like at least get it professionally cleaned first for that price! Although I’m sure Kim believes having her taupe residue on it somehow makes the bag even more valuable.
But what’s more interesting to me than the way this family is selling off all of their clothing samples and free gifts is that this is just one symptom of a much bigger money-hungry illness they are all afflicted with. These ladies are multi-billionaires, and yet they’re absolutely desperate to sell you their cast-off flip-flops instead of just donating them, Kylie just got called out a couple months ago for doing ads for some weird iPhone game, Kim is the spokesperson for everything under the sun (I didn’t forget about her pretending to eat that Beyond Burger!), and don’t even get me started on those shady handbag giveaways they’re always doing that require you to go follow like 80 different businesses’ Instagram accounts just to enter the raffle. Can things really be so financially dire for them behind the scenes that they need to take every single offer that crosses their desks? I think the answer is more likely that they are just bottomless pits of greed that no amount of money will ever satisfy. But it is interesting to see the way their endless avarice seems to have reshaped the entire celebrity industrial complex because, as we discussed the other week in regards to Bey’s hair and fragrance lines, we’re now seeing all types of famous people who would otherwise be fine resting on their 10-figure laurels for the rest of their lives frantically launching a wide array of useless products just to see those dollar signs multiply. I need those who are rich and famous based off their actual talent to stop being suckered into becoming crappy business moguls just because the Kardashians are wealth hoarding due to the fact that they live in a perpetual state of fear that the jig is going to imminently be up on their total dearth of monetizable talent.
And after weeks spent opining the lack of glamour and outrageous behavior from celebrities in this newsletter, finally, my prayers have been answered. This is the level of diva behavior I’ve been searching for!!!! I need this celebrity travel agent to start naming names because this is a hero and they must be celebrated. If you have money and power, this is exactly the type of silly, petty, yet incredibly complicated, demand you should be making and you should be making it proudly. Forget those rider requests to fill the green room with Lunchables or make sure everywhere they go smells like palo santo, I want my stars playing pet owner for a day with a different medium-sized dog in every state.
But also, while googling the types of things people ask for on their riders, I discovered that Slayer once requested 50,000 live bees and 100 white goats to “slaughter” and I was thinking how that’s not so far off from the woman single-handedly carrying the future of diva-dom on her back, Mariah Carey, and her demand for 20 white kittens and 100 white doves to be waiting for her in her dressing room. Who knew Slayer was secretly so girly pop!
Something else I’m excited about is whatever the hell is going on here. I just have to say that never in my life have I ever been excited about a celebrity couple, but the prospect of this one coming to fruition makes me positively giddy. I ship!!! I hope that Selena’s ill-timed Golden Globes gossip really was about her “two friends hooking up” and those two friends are these two distinguished thespians. At the very, very least, I’m going to need a Jiminy Glick interview featuring Meryl to transpire if I am ever to know peace again.
While we briefly touched upon this outfit in my extensive Super Bowl fashion coverage, this week Blake Lively gave us a closer look at her ensemble for the Taylor Swift-centric event heard round the world, revealing that her Balenciaga x Adidas track pants are in fact track shants as the boot and the trouser are one seamless unit. And I’m shocked to say it, but I think I like this baggy version of the pantashoe much more than I like Kim’s skintight American Apparel disco pant iteration. Which is why my main issue here actually isn’t the pant, but rather Blake’s choice to wear the matching jacket with them. I feel like she thought this pairing reads as effortless, high-brow athleisure but, to me, doing matchy-matchy stuff like this always just comes across as lazy styling. It communicates an inability to conceive of how to wear this garment in a way not strictly dictated by how the brand put it together for you. Anyway, I mostly just wanted to highlight this ensemble because I love when celebrities wear a piece of stunt fashion and absolutely no one can see the stunt in question thus completely negating the purpose of the garment to begin with. Which is exactly what happened here given that Blake’s feet were obscured behind a wall of solid concrete all night. I also need to point out that it really doesn’t matter what she’s wearing as this is just a full-blown Tiffany & Co. ad, if you couldn’t already tell from all the headlines about the half a million dollars in jewelry she was wearing.
Kaia Gerber doesn’t typically find herself within these pages as I traditionally find her ensembles to be too boring and basic to remark upon. However, this Celine metal fringe mini she wore to the British Vogue party struck my fancy as it looks like a coat of arms built for a sea anemone. I’m very into the idea of attire with self-protection features built in, and a dress that will stab anyone who tries to grope you really fits that bill. That said, the decision to pair these shoes with that dress is nothing short of a tragedy.
Most readers probably expected me to rip apart the Louis Vuitton gown Emma Stone wore to the BAFTAs, and I hate to disappoint but I actually feel like there’s a number of very interesting things going on here. First of all, I like that it feels like a reworked 80s prom dress. I also think Nicolas Ghesquière is one of only a handful of designers out there who is genuinely interested in what the future of fashion looks like; not just rehashing trends from the past, but remixing them and pushing the technical limitations of fabric to discover what’s possible and what a version of 2040 dressing might look like. I think you can really see that here with the way the sleeve is constructed and the stiff, almost wired looking cuff on this skirt. It’s like he’s hard coding structure into a fabric that naturally wants to be shapeless. I don’t necessarily think the skirt works with everything else going on, but I do think it’s a very interesting proposition. This whole look also feels extremely inspired by her Poor Things character’s wardrobe, which makes it a fun choice in and of itself. Anyway, even if you hate this dress, you have to admit that compared to a lot of Ghesquière’s recent jumbo zipper and roofing shingle-bedecked red carpet garments, all of this feels downright tastefully demure.
And judging by Nicola Coughlan’s look for the Etro show (as well as her dress at the Bridgerton premiere), it seems there might be a small trend gaining steam out there in general surrounding extra-broad shoulders. And, as a naturally extra-broad gal myself, I’m all for it. The more physical space women can occupy in every facet of life, particularly on public transportation, the better in my opinion. If wingspan-spreading is the way we finally reclaim the coveted territory stolen from us by the manspread, I say let’s start maximizing those arm poufs ASAP. I want to see dresses that have to enter rooms sideways only!
Now, while I am sick of the endless 2000s fashion revival we’re currently living in, there’s something about Lainey Wilson’s ensemble for the People’s Choice Awards that I find very comforting. This feels to me like a return to aughts apparel in its truest form. Finally, some representation for the boho girls of that era who were buying all of their outfits exclusively at Marshall’s. This is exactly what I imagine Marnie Michaels would wear to this event if her cover of “Stronger” was nominated for an award and I think that’s beautiful.
My nemesis Machine Gun Kelly announced this week that he’s pulled a Kat Von D and blacked out huge swaths of his lame tattoos “for spiritual purposes,” naturally. In other words, he felt that he hasn’t been getting enough attention via his usual means (i.e. hideous outfits, his much more famous girlfriend, saying dumb stuff in interviews) and so decided to act out in a very dramatic and pointless way. Of course, I immediately clocked this new body art for what it really is. As I wrote on Twitter, my guy just loves crop tops so much he got one permanently etched onto his body. What I actually find most fascinating about this decision is that he chose not to cover up many of what I consider to be his worst and stupidest tattoos, including the bad Bansky copy, the “Locals Only” and “Almost Famous” taglines that flank his abdomen, and the Pink Floyd brick wall that I will forever mistake for a sunburned six-pack. Hopefully, this is just phase one of the full body blackout process. I also wonder why his bestie Pete never told him that laser tattoo removal exists…..Anyway, most importantly, this image inspired Tiger King Joe Exotic to leave a comment that read, “A tiger and a bit of meth and you would be mine. Lol” and I can’t stop thinking about the haunting veracity of that statement. There but for the grace of a deeply middling rap career goes MGK.
Now, on a much brighter note, Robert Downey Jr. made a serious case for a heeled shoe at the BAFTAs. As I first mentioned in my coverage of the Critic’s Choice Awards and the Godzilla director’s Godzilla-themed footwear for that event, I love this heel height on men and I don’t know why they refuse to get into the glam rock look. Everyone wants to wear a fun, little bicep-exposing tank top on the red carpet thanks to Timmy, but meanwhile there’s nary a funky bootie to be found! Dudes are literally snapping their femurs in half just to be two inches taller, but can’t fathom wearing a tasteful stacked heel……..Anyway, I would love to see more platform footwear from the gents, but I’m not quite so confident about the coat tails. This reminds me of the double-breasted blazer Bradley Cooper wore to the BAFTAs this week that I said made him look like a ‘40s sailor on shore leave, except in this case it feels like RDJ is angling to play Mr. Darcy in the next Pride & Prejudice reboot. That said, I’m also not totally opposed to men making a sartorial return to the Regency era, and it makes sense with a new season of Bridgerton right around the corner, but I just think there’s got to be a less costume-y way to do it. Perhaps paired with some chaps to create a peekaboo butt cheek situation?? Just spitballing here!
And likewise, if I’m going to make it through the rest of this winter with my sanity intact, I’m going to need all of us to follow Winston Duke’s lead at the Etro runway show and start incorporating a cozy blankie into our ensembles at all times. Forget pajama dressing, I want to be fully swaddled in my bed’s comforter wherever I go. Why rage against daylight’s savings when you could just fully give in to the endless weeks of darkness and turn every event into a prime napping opportunity. Stop buying throws for your couch and start throwing them over your shoulder instead!
Joe Manganiello made things Instagram official with his first post-divorce relationship in honor of Valentine’s Day and I’ve been thinking about the shirt his girlfriend Caitlin O'Connor chose to make her social media debut in ever since. I want to know everything about this top. What I’ve gleaned from Joe’s Instagram tag is that this is supposed to be a photo of David Bowie???? In what world. Taken from what image. I mean, André the Giant, maybe. I have been googling and googling and cannot find a single garment comparable to this one which now also makes we wonder, did she make this herself?! Do we have a whole collection of poorly-depicted rock stars on shredded sparkly tanks to look forward to??? And why was this ensemble chosen specifically to wear to a Tool concert on Valentine’s Day……I’m scared to admit it, but Caitlin may have just shot to the top of my list of D-list fashion mavens to watch. I’ll keep you posted as this story continues to develop.
And finally, just one week after I declared my undying love for this fully fictional romance to paid subscribers, it seems the dream is officially over! And what a roller coaster ride of made-up tabloid headlines it has been!!! After weeks of proclaiming they’re “very close,” “living together,” and “meeting her kids,” this relationship between two people who have literally never even been photographed in the same room together, and likely have never actually been in the same building at the same time, has tragically run its course. As I previously wrote in Sloppy Seconds, while absolutely no one cares about this man’s made-up paramours, I do think it’s smart that his Scientology overlords finally realized that the general public is not buying that every 20-year-old model he stars in a film with is falling madly in love with him and instead went after a socialite who’s actually game for the free PR bump faking this tryst would give her. Also a bummer because this lady seemed like the kind of uber rich Dianetics diva I’ve been waiting for considering her divorce alone cost a reported $188 million. Let’s hope Tom reconsiders romancing this Russian oligarch before it’s too late!
Ok well, I’ve got a bag of chips to funnel directly into my face, so I gotta jet! But I’ll see you all back here again real, real soon!!!
That’s all, folks!:
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Party on, dudes!
“This is exactly what I imagine Marnie Michaels would wear to this event if her cover of “Stronger” was nominated for an award and I think that’s beautiful.” was INSPIRED