So help me, Tokyo Toni
Anna Wintour is ragebaiting us.
Hellooo, Messketeers!
What’s up, you stunning tastemakers. I rediscovered the Gorillaz self-titled album this week, something I have not listened to since I was a teenager and it beyond holds up. Treat yourself to a little “Clint Eastwood” today and be terrified at just how many of those lyrics emerge from the dark recesses of your aged mind!
Speaking of aged, while walking around Tribeca this week, I saw a shirt I have literally not laid eyes on since I was a wee middle schooler and it shook me to my core. For my fellow millennials, it was one of those three-quarter sleeve cotton tops with the tiniest pocket in the world placed on the outer bicep. In Maine, we called these condom pockets idk how my fellow American aughts youths were referring to them. But wow! We continue to really plumb the depths of 2000s fashions instead of just coming up with a singular cool new idea of how to get dressed.
In further news of the forward march of time, it was my birthday. I am, impossibly, yet another year older, and as one aspect of the celebrations I convinced my best friend to accompany me to Frost Fest, an electronic/hyperpop DJ event that is decidedly marketed to the youth of today. Even so, it was so much fun and we expertly nailed the experience as only true adults can do, arriving at the exact moment the Frost Children took the stage, bopping around for a solid hour amongst the sweaty Gen Z hoards, and then dipping out to be back in bed by 11:30. Idyllic.
I also celebrated my birth by purchasing a profoundly marked-up bottle of perfume I’ve had my eye on for a hot minute now. I will tell you more about said foolhardy indulgence in the forthcoming Mess Recommends email that I wrote this week and then got too shy to send. But Jessica DeFino convinced me I simply MUST tell the people all the stupid stuff I’m purchasing, so tell I shall. Look out for that email in your inbox in the next couple of days.
This week, Jess and I went to The Shit Show, a pop culture quiz show hosted by shit you should care about, and it was a lot of fun. I am absolutely going to steal one of the segments from her where she zoomed all the way in on different celebrity outfits and had her panelists guess the celeb and the thing they were wearing. I, of course, dominated this game with a deadly accuracy, once again proving to myself that my brain is an utter waste of space filled with only the most premium D-list slop. Plus, next month is the one year anniversary of the Lowbrow Book Club and I feel like we should do some sort of special event for it where we play games such as these……let me know if you have any thoughts on what would be fun on that front.
We also announced that we’re going to be reading John Berger’s Ways of Seeing this month if you’re interested in joining us for that. It’s an easy read with some seriously weighty ideas within. It’s also a text that is very much at the core of both Jess and I’s work and seems to constantly inform every other piece of theory we’ve read in this book club. Whether you formally join us or not, I highly recommend picking up a copy!
And there’s also a new podcast episode out now wherever you listen to that:
Okie-dokie then!
To begin, I wanted to point out this headline on Page Six because it makes me feel like my legacy there truly lives one. Bravo to my blogger protégée, whether she knows she’s my protégée or not. At every job I’ve ever had like this, we always had to cover the most incredibly boring bikini and lingerie selfies because that’s the stuff that clicks, tragically. So I would always make it my mission to find the pettiest, stupidest, most irrelevant angle from which to cover it. A strategy that often led me to zero in on frivolous details in exactly this manner, striking a tone of heightened fear and concern for the insane tan lines this suit threatens to impart when obviously the true intention of this image is simply to serve as spon con for EmRata’s flagging swimwear brand. Anyway, I truly love to see it. If we must write about these foolish things, let us write about them foolishly.
A Cautionary Tale
I told them not to do it!!! I explicitly said no one is capable of a mog of this caliber, and yet the rich and famous persist in not heeding my many warnings! As I predicted, Zendaya’s red carpet devastation in that jumbo Spiderman sleep tee has imprudently inspired her peers to think that they can do the same, and clearly they cannot!!! Michael B. Jordan’s ensemble possesses not an ounce of that flex. As I’ve also warned, when one attempts to wildly underdress at a black tie function, if you fail to hit that high mark of perfectly swaggy laissez-faire, the miss only reverberates all the louder, as seen here with Michael looking like he’s rolling up to the first day of kindergarten. And actually, this whole outfit has now made me wonder if it’s even possible for a man to sartorially shoot the moon?! Outside of the exceedingly rare exception that is Adam Sandler, I’ve yet to see it!!
Pommel Horse Redux
Now, how about this for a little blast from the trend past! We got the return of a full-on pannier moment out of the blue courtesy of Ciara Miller at this Vogue/CFDA flag event (don’t ask me to explain what that means idk). Again, as with all the other geometric dress shapes we’ve been seeing over the past couple of years, this strange artificial volume in an increasingly volume-less world makes perfect sense. But something I’m realizing about the silhouette in this precise moment, is it really does make you look short because Ciara is not a short woman, and yet. Given the current red carpet Pleaser pandemic I’ve been waging a one-woman war against, I would presume any garment that visually knocks a few inches off would be anathema to celebs. Perhaps that’s why, overall, we’ve seen a pivot away from this pommel horse effect towards so many takes on the inflatable pool floatie.
Maschinenmensch Loading
Another blast from the past came to me this week courtesy of Wet Leg lead singer Rhian Teasdale who not only opted for a chainmail matching set, but one in a state of serious disrepair, dovetailing beautifully into the degradation trend that has been dominating this year despite the fact that I have yet to hear any major fashion publications utter a peep about it. Can’t wait until 2028 for Vogue to tell me that it’s finally the year of decay!
Regardless, while we’ve undeniably been witnessing the last gasps of Renn Fayre Fall and panniers this year, I do think we’ve already slowly started to see this aesthetic morph into it’s next iteration which is our Metropolis Maschinenmensch future. That reference has surfaced quite a few times in recent months, and it’s back again here on Rebecca Black in this George Keburia gown with domed metal boob cups. Someone also recently asked me if I thought the monoboob was going to become a thing, inspired by Cardi B’s Robert Wun couture look. And as I’ve been saying for a couple years now, I think anything that can make breasts feel strange and uncanny is exactly the sort of powerful anecdote we need to make them interesting again in a post nips-out world.
Gone Fishin’
Now, here’s the first truly thrilling and innovative trendlet I feel like I’ve seen in months. It’s officially a Gone Fishin’ summer, ladies!!! I was initially struck by the smattering of fish fringe on Slayyyter’s hot pants during her Lolapalooza performance, and then was utterly flabbergasted to see Dot Bass post Sarah Sherman in this heavily lure-laden mini and statement necklace. The necklace reminds me a bit too much of the plastic toy bricolage collars that were all the rage during indie sleaze, but I do think using them as a sort of flapper-esque flourish on the hem of garments is inspired. I could totally see a full Schiaparelli couture gown made of bait in this manner. Bonus points for keeping all the hooks in tact!
Strapped In
These two outfits don’t really have anything to do with one another, but somehow they got filed away in the same folder in my brain, and I think that folder has to do with both suffering from a serious layering problem.
For starters, let me say I love the CONCEPT of a PVC skirt. I have always thought this is an enticing and under-explored approach to sheer dressing. It also reminds me a lot of American Psycho/Dexter’s kill room (complimentary). However, I have really only ever seen it done incredibly well on the runway, never in real life. I think there are simply too many variables to go awry here. We fundamentally have not figured out how to make the bottom of a shirt smushed beneath a pencil skirt look appealing. I think the only solution is actually more fabric, more wrinkles, more layers—a kind of Dilara Findikoglu stuffing the contents of her purse into a corset approach to the whole thing.
As for Bella Ramsey’s oblique-forward Mr. Rogers getup, where to begin. I guess, for starters, I should say that when I first moved to New York and was working as a fashion assistant there was this designer Rad Hourani who was all the rage at the time for making “genderless” clothing and all of it looked exactly like this. An admirable pursuit, but if all that pursuit ever produces is blocky, thick-strapped, Fifth Element bulletproof vests like this, I’m not sure much of anything is being achieved to further the androgynous agenda. But actually my primary complaint about Bella’s look is the cardigan dickie. I hope to never see knitwear applied to these ends again. This is the poor man’s Bieber polo poncho. And I can’t explain it, but all of my design sensibilities are screaming at me that the top layer of fabric needs to be made out of a stiffer suiting material. It needs to provide a level of structure and weight that this weave never could.
That said, looking through Bella’s recent red carpet appearances, I did notice that they have an unquenchable passion for exclusively wearing various iterations on dickies, and I do actually think that’s a fabulous fashion peccadillo to cultivate and I can’t wait to see it evolve.
The Spaghetti Strap Diva
As we start to wind down Mess for this week, I wanted to include a photo of Erling Haaland to express my immense appreciation for this man’s serious love of a spaghetti strap. We are not seeing anywhere close to enough giant men dabbling in this more delicate tank top silhouette in the States. Perhaps it’s a European thing.
It’s also yet another perfect example of what I’ve been talking about with finding these small tweaks to menswear that radically up the slut factor without scaring them away with the more overtly feminine or kink-adjacent design we’ve seen from Alex, Timothée, and their ilk. But in my opinion, it’s the spaghetti strap, the lace-up crotch, the PVC oxford, these small details that subtly push against the constraints of traditionally masculine dress, that are going to help us slip into something a little tartier (finger’s crossed, we’re certainly long overdue for it).
It also makes sense to me that there would be a renewed focus on ways for famous men to dress more provocatively and outrageously now that that’s stopped being a successful tact for famous women to garner attention as we’ve already passed peak nudity. A trend that the Wall Street Journal apparently just found out about this week……
Harper’s Big Break
And lastly, I bring you news from the Beckham front lines and, shockingly, for once, it has nothing to do with our beloved fail son, Brooklyn B-P. I just need to have a quick check in with you all re: the latest Beckham sibling being foisted upon the public, Harper. Because I read this Daily Mail headline and immediately honed in on “break the US”…….not to be rude, but do any Americans even know who she is?? Like Brooklyn is just barely registering on the public’s radar and think of the years of incredible meme-ing we have done at his expense! To say nothing of the family feud and problematic billionaire wife!!! Like “elephants are so hard to photograph but incredible to see” is a bar for the ages, what has Harper given us aside from the umpteenth beauty brand from a celebrity child? Anyway, all that just to say, I’m curious what data the Beckhams are seeing on the backend here that make them think this is the ideal springboard for their youngest’s success. And you better believe I will be continuing to monitor this situation as it unfolds.
Ok well, with that, it’s time I make like Vin and break out my leather trench on a 90-degree day to hit those authentic NYC streets…where the city is the soundstage. I hope you enjoyed today’s run-through of the week in questionable fashions. If you’d like more Mess, upgrade to a paid sub to get weekly downloads of this detritus. Either way, I appreciate you all and I’ll see you back here real soon to share even more of my thoughts on only the most alarming attire. TTYL! <3
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