Get me to God's country

And by "God's country," I obviously mean this newsletter.

Apr 04, 2025

Greeting and salutations, Messketeers!

I’ve returned from my inter-borough travels. As I told you last week, my family was here and we went to a whole lot of plays and rather mediocre restaurants. My dad miraculously got tickets for us to see Glengarry Glen Ross which is one of my favorite plays, only made all the more delightful with a cast of Kieran Culkin, Bill Burr, and Bob Odenkirk, all of whom were shockingly good in their roles. And we also went to one restaurant that I thought was actually worth the hype, which is Lola’s in NoMad. They serve Polynesian-influenced Southern classics. Get the homemade naan with carrot masala yogurt and cilantro chutney, as well as the Carolina Gold rice grit cakes and thank me later. Also, have you heard there’s a strike currently going on at the Miu Miu store over their exploitation of construction workers? Not very chic of them!

Speaking of construction, they’re currently doing an endless amount of it directly outside my apartment as they de-lead the subway line that has been raining lead down upon this and many other Brooklyn neighborhoods for, oh, I don’t know, forty-odd years now? That means my abode has been filled with the constant rattling churn of machinery from dawn until dusk which I am convinced is slowly chipping away at my sanity. My super claims the city told her this will be going on for four more weeks. But fear not! Because while this is taking place in the back of my building, the brilliant minds at City Hall have installed some sort of beige metal mailbox in the front of the buildig that they’ve locked inside a matching beige cage which they informed me is magically “taking the lead out of the air.” This seems to me like an obvious safety placebo meant to shut up any complaints from the neighborhood, but good, I guess?? I look forward to leading a less lead-full life one day.

When not being aggressively rumbled into a state of psychosis, I’ve been reorganizing my closet like a madwoman, trying to discover if I have anything at all worth wearing or salvaging. The results have actually been surprisingly positive as I’ve unearthed a handful of very fun bottoms I completely forgot I owned. However, my central complaint remains, which is that I have NO TOPS. Nothing fun or chic to pair with anything else I own, just a wide assortment of button-ups and t-shirts in various states of decay, and I don’t know what to do about it. Fashion girls, tell me where you are buying all your cute, event-appropriate tops, please and thank you.

Part of the reason this is stressing me out so much is I keep finding myself invited to various outings with nothing suitable to wear. On Tuesday, I went to the Substack auction hosted by

Ottessa Moshfegh

and

Eddie Huang

which was not an April Fools joke despite what the items up for sale might have you believe. I didn’t bid on anything, but I was extremely tempted by the Goyard leash that Eddie revealed his wife uses on him, not their dog, as I feel Fran is deserving of this level of luxury in her life. Unfortunately, I decided it’s probably more important that I be able to afford my groceries for the month rather than make my dog look even bougier than she already does. Then again, I suppose I could’ve just stuffed my purse full of all the free pork buns at that event’s buffet and had the best of both worlds.

But more importantly, on my way to that event, I had a celebrity sighting! An incredibly infrequent occurence for me as I almost never look strangers on the street in the face and, on the rare occasions I do, I swear I have a touch of facial blindness that prevents me from saying with any certainty who exactly it was that I saw. But in this case, I am 99.9% certain it was Lily Allen crossing Delancey opposite me. A moment that made me realize that I believe there are two types of people in this world in terms of how they respond to fame. One is the screamer, the person who needs to make the celebrity aware of their recognition and demands something from them in return, be it a selfie, an autograph, or a stolen souvenir. And then there’s the type of person who delusionally believes they might genuinely be friends with all famous people some day and so must perform cool, unfazed nonchalance, if not total obliviousness, to the celebrity in their midst. I am obviously the latter, luckily for Lily. And for those wondering, she was wearing ballet flats so the toes were even paywalled IRL, as they should be!!!

Last thing I have to say before we get started today is that there should be a new episode of the podcast in your inbox and I’d love if you gave it a listen. Also, my YouTube channel got monetized today which means I can now offer memberships over yonder. So if there’s any special content from me you’d like to see delivered in an audio-visual fashion, please let me know!

Ok, let’s do it!

Confusing As Ever

A new campaign image for Meghan Markle’s As Ever brand.

After laughing about the Undine Spragg of Montecito last week, I felt compelled to share with you the latest in Meghan Markle’s advertising campaign for As Ever which, much like the brand itself, I feel is deeply confused about who its target audience is.

First of all, why is the top of the dog’s head in frame here….it’s just enough to look like something off-puttingly fuzzy is being served at the breakfast table, but not enough to immediately identify it for what it is, which is Megan’s since-deceased beagle, Guy. A dog that passed away at the very beginning of January, so that also gives us some insight into how long she has been sitting on these promotional images, a timeline that feels crazy in and of itself.

The second point of interest for me in these images is her decision to drizzle some of this artisanal honey while wearing a pinky ring adorned with a diamond larger than the vast majority of people’s wedding rings. Again, who is the aspirational customer she’s angling for? Because that feels like a very Goopian, quiet luxury, outrage bait move, and yet at the same time she’s sending out these screeds about her raspberry jam and how she chose this “keepsake packaging” specifically so that people can reuse the jars “to tuck away love notes or special treasures…use it as a small bud vase for flowers on your nightstand, or to hold your pens on your desk.” And I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be taking DIY home decor advice from someone who lives in a $14 million 9-bedroom, 16-bathroom mansion. Besides, I would argue Bonne Maman already offers exactly this opportunity with a nicer jar for a fraction of the cost. And don’t even get me started on the instantly “sold out” items. When it comes to the drops of influencers and celebrities, please know that the question is never if it will sell out or not, but rather in what quantity the item was produced. Something we are never told and for very good reason.

Something else that isn’t ingratiating me to the As Ever brand in the slightest, is that Megan did an interview with the New York Times where she proclaimed that she needs to work! Nay, loves to work! She simply must for her sanity!!!! Ok, then. Get a real job! This is always my problem with celebrity brands. They love to make their need to stay busy and give their life meaning a problem for the rest of us to solve. Why do I have to spend my hard-earned cash to buy white-label foodstuffs so that someone worth ~$60 million can feel a sense of purpose in their life? How did I get involved in this scenario at all!!! Go work at an elementary school. Volunteer at a food pantry. Learn how to quilt. How a member of the British royal family fills their days and garners attention and pocket change for themself should literally never involve me dipping into my bank account.

The Utter Mundanity of Billionaires

Lauren Sánchez carrying a $5,750 Balenciaga coffee cup bag.

Speaking of billionaires adrift in a tabloid sea. As a reader of this newsletter, you should know all too well by now, that nothing is more depressing to me than having to live in a world with stupidly rich people who don’t have the slightest idea what to do with all of that gratuitous wealth. They have no imagination for fabulousness and, for some reason, they refuse to pay someone else (me) to have it for them. Yes, Megan is one such cursed individual, but the foremost offender is obviously Lauren Sánchez who has everything at her disposal and is somehow incapable of doing anything of interest with it. And I feel her lavish Italian nuptials are about to prove that statement in a MAJOR way. Cue Kravis’s Dolce & Gabbana sponsored ceremony 2.0. To say nothing of the PR push this week about how she and Katy Perry are about to make space super glam…….spare me. Let’s talk when you open a free grocery store or pay off student debt, you wealth hoarding freaks.

Anyway, this sentiment was really brought to a head for me this week when Lauren called the paparazzi on herself to capture this rather tragic ensemble for some reason. There is nothing cute or kitschy to me about one of the richest women on earth carrying this $6K Balenciaga clutch shaped like a to-go coffee mug. All it does is underscore the .01%’s extreme disconnect from reality, and not even in a fun or creative way. Like if you’re going to do this, bedazzle a paper cup in real diamonds. Fill this leather handbag with your actual morning cup of joe. Lean even harder into the gratuitous, wasteful consumption of it all. The subversive appeal of this accessory is that it’s a quotidian object pilfered from the everyman and turned into this inaccessible, yet also indistinguishable, luxury good. So when the wealthy wearer carries it in a sincere, unironic fashion, like Lauren above, the bag’s inherently camp nature is totally neutralized. And nothing is more gauche and tacky than a billionaire who doesn’t get the joke being made at their expense.

A Good Application of Absurd Wealth

Madonna and her blue tooth and Mariah Carey in full royal accoutrement.

Here, on the other hand, we have two rich people who know exactly what to do and what the public demands of them. Madonna put her money where her mouth is, debuting a new tooth made of lapis lazuli edged in diamonds. Of course, mega-carat smiles are nothing new, but I do appreciate the fine jewelry treatment of this Paul Wall art form. Although I feel like credit for that innovation should go entirely to Erykah Badu who for years now has been sporting a number of stunning gemstone grills by artists like Lillian Shalom, including a 2019 mouthpiece made entirely out of the most beautiful opals.

But leave it to a true Diva to demonstrate how diva-dom is actually done. Kris Jenner celebrated Mariah Carey’s most recent anniversary — read 56th birthday — by sharing a photo of the two of them at some beach event where Mariah accessorized her PJs with a full diamond tiara with matching earrings and necklace that made it look like she just raided the Tower of London. And it got me thinking, why don’t we see more extravagant multi-million-dollar tiaras casually flung atop rich people’s heads these days? Sure, there’s the French Revolution aspect of it all. It’s a whole lot easier to know whose head needs to take a trip to the guillotine when it’s dripping in jewels. But for a group so desperate to differentiate themselves from the unwashed masses, I feel like diamond headgear has been sorely overlooked despite being one of the easiest routes to achieving that goal. As I always say, if we must coexist with wealth of this magnitude, at the least let it be flaunted in complex and creative new ways worthy of being exhibited in a museum 100 years from now. No more diamond brooches written in brush script, I beg.

The Blueprint

Erykah Badu’s monster platforms and bodacious bodysuit at the Billboard Women in Music event.

I was already thinking a lot about Erykah this week due to Madonna’s one-tooth veneer above, but then she provided me with two more examples of why her singular style is not to be underestimated. First, after months of complaining about the Pleaser red carpet takeover and celebs failure to think outside the box when it comes to amplifying their height, Erykah took us back to the basics, reminding the masses that this classic goth platform is really all you need. Why beat around the bush and try and make your stilts invisible when you could just embrace the booster seat aesthetic to the max.

And I cannot tell you how many times I got sent the photos of this costume she wore to perform at the Billboard Women in Music event. As always, I feel incredibly blessed that you guys know my pet fashion interests so well. J’adore. This is build-a-body pushed to its logical extremes, but in a way that doesn’t feel quite as dystopian to me. Instead, there’s something almost neolithic to this garment, a celebration of Venus of Willendorf-shaped bodies. A physique worthy of our religious devotion. Although a part of me also wonders if attire like this would be quite so sensational if we ever actually saw real plus-size bodies that look like this incorporated into the Hollywood mainstream. In any case, I feel like this jumpsuit is deserving of a 3,000-word deep-dive analysis, and if anyone out there knows where I can find one I would positively love to read it.

Cargo Pants 2.0

After sharing British track star Jazmin Sawyers’s DIY handbag dress with you all the other week, I felt compelled to highlight Canadian rapper Haviah Mighty’s quilted bag-laden trousers at the Juno Awards as well. They remind me of the Vera Bradley duffles every popular girl in my high school carried as their gym bag for some reason. Unfortunately, the additional slack storage is the only thing about this outfit that I really like. I could do without the capital T-shaped short-sleeve puffer and the (knockoff?) Rick Owens sneakers. But much like Jazmin before her, my primary complaint is why tack on all these satchels if you’re not going to fill them to capacity?! I want to see a bouquet of flowers jutting out of a cargo! Jelly beans spilling out of a slit pocket! The whole point of this strapped-on accessory trend, to me, is lashing stuff to your person that’s actually useful, so why not utilize it!

Baby P.I.

And I just wanted to include this image of Ari Lennox at the Billboard Women in Music event to show you the latest take on the adult diaper trend — Detective Baby: Pampers Undercover. Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad addition to the Boss Baby franchise. I’m looking forward to seeing what other hijinks and career paths these infantilized fashions will get into next.

They Call Him Flipper

First, we had orcas wearing salmon as hats, and now we have humans in dolphin chapeaus. There’s something about Bieber being an absolute menace to his wife and ex-girlfriend on social media all week, worrying fans with some very unwell-seeming livestreams, and then stepping outside for the first time in a Marni pom-pom trapper hat that looks like he’s wearing Flipper’s head atop his own that is extremely funny to me. It’s so cutesy and innocent in comparison to the reign of digital terror he’s been unleashing. Which now everyone is suddenly calling a brilliant marketing ploy after he announced his new deeply Yeezy-inspired Skylark fashion line, but I’m much more skeptical about how much of this behavior was PR and how much was genuine psychic turmoil…..Regardless, for those wondering, this is the $650 denim Marni baseball cap with faux fur lining, and for me it’s actually the least interesting thing going on with this outfit. You already know I love when Justin wears bottoms so preposterously large he has to hoist them aloft with his own hands, and this pair from the Kevin Smith jorts collection are no exception. But what I’m actually most intrigued by is that he’s swapped out his usual Crocs for these Dansko chef clog specials. Don’t be surprised when you spot JB on the line at your local California Pizza Kitchen.

A She Wolf in the Closet

And finally, I wanted to point out Shakira’s “She Wolf” faux tattoo catsuit which is one of the better trompe l’oeil body art garments I’ve seen.1 We’ve really let go of this early aughts, Ed Hardy-esque fashion staple and for the life of me I don’t know why. It’s got the illusion of scandal and total nudity baked right into it, you’d think it would be ripe for the red carpet picking. And yet! I also have a distinct memory of Britney Spears wearing a nude-colored long-sleeve tee like this with drawn-on traditional tattoos in the 00s, but of course can now find no proof of its existence on the internet. Even if we don’t bring back those Jean Paul Gaultier tattooed sailor tops, at the very least, let’s start adorning some of those exposed butt cracks with a nude mesh thong emblazoned with a tramp stamp.

Ok, time for me to be whisked away to my next appointment like Biscuit the chihuahua in the arms of Mikey Madison. Until we meet again, I hope you’ll check out the new ep of the podcast and take a dive into the truly unbelievable fashions of What a Way to Go! And I’ll see you back here next Friday with even more of that sweet, sweet bad fashion. BRB, my beloveds!

Basically:

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Ok I gotta go catch some rays with my bestie! Stay hungry, my friends!