SKKN by Kim by Skims fka Kimono
Plus, the "Undine Spragg of Montecito."
Hellooo, my friends.
My family has been here visiting all week, which means it’s been a nonstop onslaught of Broadway plays, dining out, and meandering strolls through Manhattan neighborhoods I haven’t even thought about in ages. My fridge is also now packed with enough leftovers to tide me through April. One of the many small blessings of out-of-town visitors.
I have much to say to you all, but very little time to say it. I’ve also been exceedingly offline all week and feeling very out of the usual Mess loop. So I’m going to keep things quite brief here today and discuss only the tiny handful of silly stuff I did see this week. I’ll probably put everything else in a newsletter for paid subs when I actually have the time to sit down and have deep thoughts about it next week, we shall see!
Until then!!!
A Good Grift
All week, I’ve been thinking and talking about Meghan Markle’s very wild (and wildly boring) decision to go full royal influencer and affiliate link her life, as you will hear all about on the podcast next week. But it was the quote about her from Graydon Carter in Interview magazine that I used as today’s newsletter subheader that really transported me into another dimension.1 He labeled her the “Undine Spragg of Montecito” which is the most devastating literary barb I’ve heard in an eon, and I would expect nothing less from Graydon. Personally, I would simply never recover, but the Duchess is clearly a much stronger woman than I. As I said when
wrote about Gen Z finally entering their Jane Austen era last month, call me when y’all realize the superiority of Edith Wharton’s oeuvre in terms of drama, gossip and scandal. That was a woman who really knew how to read, as clearly evidenced by the very existence of Undine.ANYWAY, I bring this up not for the As Ever jam of it all, but rather because I’ve been thinking about what a lazy racket it is to get a kick back from endorsing eco-friendly mascara or whatever as a royal with multi-million dollar deals with Netflix and Spotify in addition to this TBD DTC DOA lifestyle brand, when I saw this headline about JoJo Siwa charging her audience almost a grand to help SET UP HER CONCERTS. Now, this is how you grift your fans!!! Visionary, union-busting behavior. I would expect nothing less from the inventor of gay pop. Although I also recently saw an Instagram Reel about JoJo throwing cash at her audience during her performances, presumably as a thank you for staying through the godawful tunes, costumes, and choreography, so perhaps this exchange of cold hard cash all evens out in the end. But all those Swarovski rhinestones certainly aren’t going to pay for themselves.
And as it turns out, if anything, JoJo should be charging much, much more for the privilege of organizing her hair bow collection because I also learned this week that Gene Simmons, the “Karma” aesthetic progenitor, is charging his fans $12,500 to be his assistant for a day. And people are actually taking him up on the offer! In this particular case, I actually agree that they should be paying Gene — who btw is a $400 millionaire — that much because having a different personal assistant with zero expertise in personal assisting cycle into your life every single day seems like the most chaotic, frustrating choice you could possibly make as a famous person.
Pareidolia Apparel
Ok, now this is very silly and dumb, but Jennifer Lopez’s latest Zuhair Murad crop top and maxi skirt set (a brand I swear she is single-handedly keeping in business) really made me laugh because the intention of the bedazzling is clearly to do some sort of sexy trompe l’oeil nudity thing, but immediately the only thing I could see rhinestoned onto this garment is the face of Yzma from the Emperor’s New Groove. And now that I see those eyes and mouth printed onto JLo’s torso I can never unsee them. It reminds me of when fat and pregnant people paint faces onto their bellies. Or like when you lay upside down and draw a little face on your chin. And now that I say that, a painted-on belly self-portrait would actually be kind of a fab addition to all these bra top/low-rise pant combos we’ve been seeing…..I googled it and apparently the word for the way the human brain tries to see faces in everything is call pareidolia. And I say, more pareidolia apparel, please! With the rampant embrace of AI, why not make our garments sentient as well. Turn the character embedded into your clothing into a famous personality in its own right, like one of those weirwood trees in Game of Thrones. Also a fantastic way for celebs to pull focus from anything going on with their real visage they might want to distract from.
Carnival Is the New Coachella
Yet another random thing I’ve been musing over, has anyone else noticed how Carnival this year has become just another excuse for any and every D-lister to strap themselves into a bejeweled bikini and wings in public? Like please explain to me what Dorit Kemsley’s connection is to St. Lucia, or the Caribbean at large, that made her suddenly interested in donning this specific look. Ciara also attended the Trinidad and Tobago Carnival for the first time ever this year, seemingly to promote her new rum brand. And Ashanti also went this year for the first time. Maybe the Trinidad and Tobago tourism board is just doing some truly excellent celebrity outreach this year. I just find it odd that after YEARS of seeing Rihanna rocking incredible, barely-there feathered looks at that celebration, suddenly we’re seeing the whole event populated by American celebrities with no cultural ties to these countries. I have a sneaking suspicion Carnival is going to quickly become the new Coachella for 40-something stars who would like you to see them looking sexy in a two-piece.
Whoopee-Cushioned Clothing
And finally, I wanted to bring to your attention this reader-submitted ensemble that is precisely my cup of tea. You guys know me all too well at this point. This is Amyl of the band Amyl and the Sniffers in an outfit the Messketeer who brought it to my attention described as “very Sabrina Carpenter-Tom and Jerry energy.” I couldn’t agree more. It’s a sexy, tongue-in-cheek ensemble inviting the viewer to sit upon her and suffer the consequences. Whoopee at your own risk, if you will. This is also exactly the note of chic comedy that I loved so much in Emma Stone’s popcorn-laden SNL 50 Louis Vuitton gown. If celebs could figure out how to channel genuine humor into their apparel, I feel like it would take them soo much further than sheer nudity and shock ever could. But also, why not both? Anyway, another Messketeer said that Amyl has a wide assortment of Mess-worthy outfits, so I will be formally adding her to my shortlist of Mess Muses to watch right alongside Zoe Ko.
Ok, I know you’re as angry as Bobby De Niro talking to Drew Barrymore right now that today’s Mess is over almost as soon as it began, but I’ve got to go catch some more matinees with the folks. I’ll see you back here next week with your regular lengthy digest of everything I love to hate. Later gators <3
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Peace out, you fresh princes!
In that interview, Graydon also said Substack is “in need of editors. So much of the writing is just too, too long.” GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!!!
The Undine Spragg of Montecito is genius!
Amy Taylor rules! And Cartoon Darkness is sooo good, everyone should give it a listen.