Oh hey there, my funny valentines!
Hope you all enjoyed the back-to-back, deeply American, consumeristic holidays that are the Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day. As I already told paid subs, my week has been entirely devoted to Florence Nightingale-ing Fran back to full gastrointestinal health after some very long, disgusting bouts of unregulated bathroom behavior. But don’t worry, she is fully back to her old self now, sleeping through the night with nary an accident and prancing through the streets of Bushwick looking for dog friends to pounce upon.
When not escorting my dog back and forth to the backyard every 60 minutes exclusively between the hours of 10pm and 5am, I’ve been feeling weirdly crafty this week. It seems that while my morning pages remain sporadic at best, the Artist’s Way spirit lives on within me because I took a very delightful trip to my local art supply store and have since been spending my afternoons painting a number of objects in my home that have long needed to be painted. I impulsively bought a Gelly Roll pen that took me straight back to my days of swapping glitter pens in elementary school. And I also finally pulled the trigger on the DIY dollhouse kit of my dreams and am counting down the days until I get to start assembling that. It’s also probably a good thing that I have a fictional home to divert my nesting energy towards as I had a conversation this morning with the maintenance guys for my building about my real home and how the roof is apparently rusted out and causing water damage that is destroying all of my ceilings. The joys of living in New York continue to know no bounds!
I’d also like to make a quick endorsement for something I did this week, which I may be the inventor of: the ugly bullet journal. Because I am nowhere close to being a calligraphy artist and I don’t want to spend hours meticulously doodling and outlining graph paper in ten different shades of marker, however, seeing the things I need to accomplish every week laid out before me is enormously helpful towards actually getting the stuff on my to-do list done and keeping track of the habits I want to make more of a regular thing. My journal may not be fit for public consumption, but it is effective. Don’t let them convince you it has to be pretty and technicolor and something you want to brag about on TikTok! Just get that Gelly Roll out and get to visually organizing your life.
Speaking of TikTok, that app’s algorithm really algorithm’d this week because it served me up a clip of a TV show I have not thought about since I was 10 years old: BUG JUICE! Did anyone else watch this Disney reality show religiously growing up? The five minute clip I saw about dating at Camp Waziyatah brought me straight back to my youth because these campers were everything to me. I didn’t even put it together until right now that the camp is in Maine which makes it all hit even closer to home. I’m actually considering trying to find all the old episodes and rewatching them because I’m curious what sort of weird stuff I internalized from this show as a fact of life about being a pre-teen because I already know that I was taking those camp ensembles as fashion gospel.
This week, paid subscribers were treated to my extended thoughts on everything that happened at the Super Bowl on Sunday. I also shared with them my discovery that the AVN Awards are the only red carpet worth covering, I highlighted Demi Moore’s self-tanner misstep, announced the arrival of the burgeoning boob bead curtain trend, and sounded the alarms on a new generation of nepo pets. If any of that sounds like a must-read, it could all be yours for the low, low price of $5.
Now on to the main attraction!
As I mentioned above, all of my Taylor Swift-related Super Bowl talk is currently behind the paywall, but I did just have one thing I wanted to share with you which is that I love the way the pop star has suddenly been cursed with receiving one terrible, themed Judith Leiber clutch after the next for the rest of time. You might recall the Kansas City Chiefs heiresses gifted her a bejeweled microphone clutch, and now Shaq has inexplicably purchased her a sparkly football with Travis’s number on it. I can’t wait to see what rhinestoned tchotchke a random rich person adds to her collection of rhinestoned tchotchkes that are never going to see the light of day next.
And while all of the talk from Sunday night was about Taylor and Travis’s cutesy couple moments, this event actually just reaffirmed for me something that I have long suspected to be true, which is that Jason is by far the superior Kelce sibling. This is a fact that should be obvious to anyone who has watched even a second of their podcast, but his choice in buffalo check overalls really just confirmed it for me. Not to mention the fact that he then proceeded to get blackout drunk and put on a coordinating luchador mask at the after party. If you have not seen the clips of him manically bopping around in that thing at the club while Traylor canoodle in the corner, it’s a must-see. It also got me thinking that between that and Timmy Chalamet at the Dune premiere last week, are Mexican wrestling masks finally having their big fashion moment? I’ll be keeping a close eye on this developing trend as always!
And while I want to believe as much as the next guy that the photo of Jason arriving in Las Vegas dressed exactly like Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover is real, unfortunately it’s the work of an inspired photoshop artist. Definitely still a style icon Jason should be attempting to replicate the outfits of every chance he gets, but unfortunately a fashion forgery. Stay vigilant out there, friends!
But while the overalls were good, my favorite menswear moment from that game has to go to Jermaine Dupri’s teeny-tiny Louis Vuitton socks. I always forgot how small this man is and Pharrell certainly did not do him any favors by dressing him up in an oversized blazer and culottes. That said, no notes on these custom American Girl doll socks. Although, I would love to know what Jermaine keeps in these pearl-enclosed ankle pockets. I actually don’t really understand why the internet was giving him such a hard time about these to begin with as everyone is entitled to have their coquette moment regardless of gender. And besides, Tyler the Creator, ASAP Rocky, and Benny Blanco have all been wearing wayyyyy frillier socks than these for years now and no one’s said a peep.
In other sports news, Devin Booker has been lurking around the periphery of the Kardashians all week in a way that makes me think it’s only a matter of time until they announce that he and Kendall are back together again. First, he was in their box at the Super Bowl, now he’s strolling the streets wearing Khy, Kylie’s tragique Yeezy knockoff brand. I feel their bread crumbing at work. I’d also love to know where he’s going with this toolbox. But actually carrying around an empty toolbox feels like a very logical evolution of the way high fashion has always stolen modes of dress from the working class and sold it back to the rich. In late capitalism, it’s not just the aesthetic of the proletariat that the 1% want, but full cosplay down to the never-used, solid gold wrenches and hammers.
And I’m just happy to see that MGK is finally embracing the hair transplant surgery rumors by giving himself an artificial scalp transplant scar.
Ok, and I’m sorry to drag her name into these unhallowed halls, but so far 2024 has been the biggest year for Mess on record because how can you deny this newsletter’s power after seeing this new photograph of Beyoncé for her single “Texas Hold ‘Em.” This is Mess’s influence pure and simple. As always, I feel insane for tooting my own horn when my fashion delusions materialize as fact, but I can’t help but feel like the tireless work I do here in pushing the merkin agenda forward has now not only resulted in the best Margiela couture collection in ages, but Beyoncé’s new pubis-forward aesthetic. I haven’t felt this spiritually aligned with Queen Bey since I urged someone to wear the Alexander McQueen for Givenchy 1999 circuit board catsuit on Twitter and almost exactly one year later she obliged. Now we’ve not only got a stick-on breastplate (a look we’ve been discussing in Sloppy Seconds lately), but also matching metal, heart-shaped pubic hair in place of underwear gingerly held in place by two chains. I can’t wait to see the trickle-down effect of this image and what fresh objects famous people start tethering to their loins.
Speaking of exceptional stainless steel fashion moments, this is what I’m fucking talking about!!! This is FASHION, baby. Of course, Zendaya is never Mess, but I’ve been begging and pleading with celebrities to wear these types of iconic Mugler pieces since Kim K first cracked open those archives. I mean, how many times have I written in this newsletter alone that it is a crime no one has revived the nipple ring dress? This Metropolis moment comes courtesy of Thierry Mugler’s Fall 1995 collection, of course, and the fact that they even lent this museum-caliber piece out to her is an enormous flex in and of itself. Also, I expected it to be clunky and awkward to walk around in, but the way Z was strutting up and down this sandbox is a real testament to what a brilliant technical designer Thierry was. And while I do agree with the addition of a chunky mega-carat necklace and I know a Bulgari contract had to be fulfilled, I’m not sure this was exactly the right choice to go with the look. But whatever, if Law Roach “retiring” means we get more red carpet moments like this, I’m 1000% for it. Although, if she keeps stunting on her cast mates quite this hard, no one is going to want to walk a step-and-repeat with Zendaya ever again. And as I say every time I see Z serving a major look, the nepo models of today are sooooo lucky this woman chose to be an actress instead because one professional change of heart and they would all be out of a job.
And consider this your weekly reminder that being a stan should be classified in the DSM because imagine seeing the above images of Zendaya and having this be your first response as a 57-year-old woman……..and this isn’t even close to the most embarrassing thing the Club Chalamet lady has done! I am begging some of you to log off and make a friend in real life.
Anyway, Zendaya’s automaton moment was also a very welcome aesthetic relief from all of the coquette Stanley cup Barbiecore we’re currently living through which is starting to look a lot to me like Cate Blanchett above. Although honestly, even this acid trip Lolita outfit is way cooler than most of what we’ve been seeing out there.
And if it’s not all things hyper-feminine, it’s all things indie sleaze and fur. Personally, I’m loving Kylie’s Wes Anderson makeover. I think it’s high time she replicate an American Apparel ad for Khy, or at the very least knocked off their designs wholesale for her own financial gain. I’d also love to see what 2010s Tumblr girl they’re using as a reference for this new thespian gf era.
And then there’s Julia Fox who is very obviously marching to the beat of her own fashion drum. After a couple of years of all-denim everything and dominatrix-inspired strap-on leather apparel, Fox has suddenly taken her street style in a very adult diaper direction. While I don’t love the giant baby aesthetic, I do think anytime your attire touches on a category of sexual taboo it’s going to make an impact. And considering we’ve already mined S&M and general nudity for everything its worth, this pivot is not a bad impulse. That said, while I am a big fan of a statement hat, the satin bao bun on Julia’s head is not doing much for me, and she should’ve taken a couple of catwalk lessons from Zendaya because the way she was scuba flipper flopping down the sidewalk in these Willy Chavarria heels was not it. Which reminds me, I feel like an important fact that famous people forget is that shock factor is not the end-all be-all of an outfit. My number one rule of outlandish dressing is that you still need to be able to make it look effortless in order to actually pull it off, even if you’re wearing Rumpelstiltskin’s booties.
And that wasn’t the only fetish Julia attempted to inflict upon the attendees of NYFW. As I’ve warned you time and time again, we must beware the incoming wave of Hollywood furries! But honestly, this is easily one of Julia’s best outfits.
I was also struck by Joel Kim Booster’s attire at the Christian Cowan runway show. While these various pieces feel like they lack any sort of cohesion, I do appreciate that Joel understands what the people are clamoring for which is a way sluttier mode of male dress. And this certainly fits that bill. I feel like fancier footwear, even a pump, could’ve helped pull it all together, but regardless that belly button cutout is perfection.
Now, I’m going to put forth a query to you all that I previously asked on Twitter only to have people yell at me that I am a disgusting pervert. But does this new Rhode iPhone case not look a little pornographic to you???
I mean, I have no choice but to believe it’s intentional at this point because how many people had to sign off on this design before it reached our eyes and you’re telling me not a single one noticed something lewd was afoot? At this product photo shoot alone, how many times did they have to insert and remove the lip gloss into this particular silicone shape and the thought never crossed anyone’s mind??? Ok. Personally, I think they should lean into the vaguely adult content angle and become the David Barton Gym of celebrity skincare.
And this is very random, but something I was thinking about this week is: why do incredibly rich people love their teeny-tiny little TV sets? On the right, you have an Instagram Story from Marcus Jordan who watched the Super Bowl at his father Michael Jordan’s house on what has got to be the smallest TV money can buy these days. Please know that I say this without a speck of judgement as a person who consumes all media on their 15-inch laptop screen, but it just reminded me of when known TERF J.K. Rowling posted this pic on the left of her own mini television and it got me wondering why two billionaires have made this choice when surely they could have the most optimal, elegant, and large TV setup in every single room of their mansions. If you have any insights into this phenomenon, please let me know.
Before you scamper off to your various weekend activities, I just want you to give these two poems Josh Brolin wrote about his Dune costars — Timothée and Zendaya, respectively — a quick read. Pure art! The second coming of Emily Dickinson some may say!!! At the very least, a level of lyricism that would make his step-mom Barbra Streisand proud. I’m going to need him and Megan Fox to get in a room together STAT and give us the much-awaited sequel to Pretty Boys Are Poisonous. As a matter of fact, I think we should be encouraging all famous people to engage in way more poesy for our entertainment.
And finally, let’s end today with an anecdote from one half of my favorite dull as a doorknob couple, Nicola Peltz, who did not need to throw her betrothed and his absolute lack of talent and charisma under the bus quite this cruelly. In promoting her new film Lola, Nicola chose to share that she had to cut Brooklyn Beckham out of the movie entirely because of his inability to simply say the word “Hi” in an American accent while not staring dead into the camera. A fact no one would have known had she not told us. But how does one flub a nepo cameo quite this badly? Release the blooper real immediately, Nicola!!!! And what is even the point of having a character who literally only says one word of greeting and then is never heard or seen from again? She could have just let him play a barkeep or walk through the background of a shot or something and all of this could’ve been avoided. Also, Nicola really should’ve left him in the film because at least it would’ve made her performance look perfectly adequate by comparison.
Ok, that’s the last morsel of Mess I have to dole out for today! If that’s simply not enough slop in your feed bucket, you can go on and make me as happy as Rick Ross clutching a giant dollar bill by signing up to become a paid subscriber so you can read all my thoughts on Tom Cruise’s incredible new Russian socialite “girlfriend.”
But for now, I’m going to follow Hailey Bieber’s lead and catch up on some much-needed beauty rest. Nighty-night, Messketeers!
I’ve got a new episode of The Traitors to watch, so:
If you’re curious to hear more of my thoughts on fashion week, the Super Bowl, and everything in between, go on and get yourself double the Mess with a paid subscription that will give you insider access to all of my worst thoughts.
If you forgot to get your loved ones something extra special for Valentine’s Day and are currently in the doghouse, make it up to them with a gifted subscription to this newsletter. Hell, even a free subscription will serve them better and last them longer than that played-out flowers and chocolate combo.
If that $5 a month is already earmarked for something that won’t inflict psychic harm upon you on a weekly basis, first of all, congrats. But also, did you know that there’s a totally free way to punish your retinas on the daily? Just join the Mess ~DISCORD~ where 700+ Messketeers are ready to bring the hurt.
And everyone knows a piece of MESS MERCH is the must-have accessory of the season.
As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more, just ask me about getting a comped subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion or bail fund, your next month of Mess is on me.
Don’t shoot the messenger!
Sorry to say that Devin Booker is carrying around the Rimowa single bottle wine case.
https://uncrate.com/rimowa-one-bottle-case/
I now have the Bug Juice! theme song stuck in my head and I'm honestly not that even mad about it.