Cannes is full of prudes
No flats, no trains, no nudes — get a life!!!
Greetings, Messketeers!
Hope everything’s going fabulously. We are officially on the other side of the Mess Gala, well, with the exception of one parting detail I must share with you today but I promise it’s important. You’ll see.
The only thing of note that transpired this week is that I went to a cocktail party at the Valentino store. Yes, you heard that right. Valentino invited me to something. Or, I guess, more importantly their PR agency KCD invited me to something which terrifyingly means they know I exist. Do you think they’ve heard what I’ve had to say about Alessandro lately? Is this some sort of keep your enemies closer situation? Whatever’s happening I am happy to show up and drink their free wine and eat their delicious one-inch hot dogs and fancy fake Oreos the exact dimensions of a nickel.
In honor of this momentous invitation, I decided I would be a fool not to wear the only Valentino thing I own which also happens to be one of the most uncomfortable pairs of shoes I own. I suffered greatly for the fit, but they really are a gorgeous piece of footwear which is why I can never quit them despite the toll they take. They’re also all over The Real Real right now for cheap if anyone’s interested in cultivating their own self-punishment ritual (1,2,3,4,5). Although, I am gratified to see none are available in the deep pink patent leather color I own. If only the breaking in of that patent leather toe box didn’t have to come at the expense of my actual toes.
Anyway, the party was for this L’Atelier Sonore thing where they built “an intimate listening room and immersive architectural experience in partnership with Terraforma.” Basically, it was different DJs playing vinyl tracks through a really high quality sound system in a fabric-draped room. It did sound amazing in there, but mostly just made me want to cover all the walls of my own apartment in sumptuous velvet curtains.
Oh also! I agreed to do this Sodas & Letters reading for my internet friend Lana Schwartz and I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to write or read aloud, but I would love to see you there if you’re around and want to enthusiastically support me whether I crush or flop before an audience of my peers.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s Mess Recommends, I’ve got a new video out for those who’d like a condensed summary of my Met Gala opinions. My channel also officially passed 2000 subscribers today, which is so crazy! Everyone over there has been outrageously nice and supportive about my first foray into video and I really appreciate it.
Like I said, yesterday I sent you guys a list of stuff I’ve been liking, buying, reading, and looking at lately, so here’s that again in case it’s of any interest:
And next week, I’m planning on doing a little recap for paid subscribers of some very important fashions I saw on the Pornhub Awards red carpet that I’m sure we’ll be seeing again on a Hollywood red carpet sooner rather than later.
Well!
The Princess and the Biebz
To begin today’s Mess, Justin set the record straight on his passion for pants that are a tripping hazard and trail about a foot behind him, like the sleeping bag pair we discussed the other week. And now that he’s articulated the cute motivation behind this styling peccadillo, I have to officially take back all of the jokes I’ve ever made about his stupidly large trouser collection. I want JB to feel like a princess in a gown when he walks down the stairs. Hell, I want JB to just wear the damn gown already. But I can now appreciate the fistfuls of fabric he’s been carrying around in a whole new light.
A Contractual Prince Charming
Ok, listen, now I clearly don’t know anything about anything and it doesn’t even make sense that they would do this, but I just noticed an interesting pattern and now I have a pet theory I must say out loud. A theory that WOULD explain one of the great pop culture questions for the ages. And so, I ask: Does Shailene Woodley have a deal with Disney where she will only publicly confirm her relationships on their properties? Because while the above image looks like absolutely nothing, it is in fact Shailene hard launching her new boyfriend Lucas Bravo on social media with this photo of him walking around the Star Wars portion of Disneyland. And you might recall that she and Aaron Rodgers ALSO previously confirmed their relationship with a photo shoot at Disney World as well as a very weird mid-pandemic interview with some official Disney Parks YouTube channel that I still can’t believe they agreed to do of their own volition. I suppose it is also possible that Shailene is simply a hardcore Disney Adult, but just an interesting and informative relationship pattern I felt needed to be brought to everyone’s attention.
The Rihanna Ring
As I said, important! A final Met Gala detail that demands our discussion. Apparently, Rocky debuted this ring that features a miniature statuette of Rihanna at his Gala afterparty and it is truly a sight to behold. Don’t get me wrong, it is quite ugly, but it is also exactly the level of obsession and adoration that Rihanna deserves from a man. Like nothing less than building solid gold idols of her to worship will do. That said, they need to seriously reconsider the design of this face and quick. Zoom in on that Jason of Beverly Hills pic for a serious jump scare. Also, everyone is talking about the ring and no one is talking about the most interesting part about it which is the discovery that Rocky’s nickname for her is “Poouchie.” Why are no questions being asked of him about that! This is what we mean when we say that journalism is dead.
Glutenous Garb
This week, Poouchie also demonstrated exactly why her partner’s level of obsession is so warranted, walking around the streets of NYC in this easy Martine Rose pregnancy fit that looks like it was copped from the coolest kid in seventh grade. And she accessorized it with this $1.3K Fendi shearling baguette bag, which is of course a play on the brand’s most famous purse shape. The only way I could like this styling choice any more is if Rih was carrying around a real baguette inside it.
I think the bread clutch and the ring are both perfect examples of what makes Rocky and Rihanna such good, interesting dressers. Neither takes themselves too seriously. They’re willing to be and look silly in the pursuit of self-expression and aren’t interested in just reproducing the same old formulas of technically tasteful dressing like so many of their A-list peers.
Say Cheese!
Rih’s handbag would also pair gorgeously with Gail Simmons soft cheese fascinator! Of all the headgear I saw at the Kentucky Derby, this was by far my favorite. An important reminder that not only are we not getting nearly enough statement hats on major red carpets, but we’ve barely even scratched the surface on conceptual and interactive chapeaus! I think the only way Gail could possibly top herself is by going full Edible Arrangements charcuterie board with it next year.
Hold the Bacon
I feel extremely torn about singer Jessie Murph’s choice to bring her pet pig Wilber to The Academy of Country Music Awards. On the one hand, this is a fantastic PR gimmick, spices up some otherwise very basic country music attire, and this little piglet is undeniably crazy cute. But I can’t help but be concerned for this small guy’s eyeballs! Am I wrong to feel like a wall of strobing flash bulbs might be detrimental and/or scary to a baby animal?
This is actually the second time I’ve had that exact thought this week because Sydney Sweeney was also walking around carrying her puppy surrounded by a million paparazzi, like that’s got to be unnecessarily stressful right?? Anyway, TL;DR I too would like to have a pet pig now and we probably shouldn’t use animals as photographic props even though they’re clearly the best part of all of these images.
Also, how long now do you think until the girls find out about Audrey Hepburn’s pet deer and start recreating those old photos? I feel like it’s only a matter of time….
Julia Gets Cheeky
Julia Fox’s crack-baring antics carry on. She DJ’d the Cult 100 party at the Guggenheim wearing a pair of ass-less tighty-whities that are doing nothing to help dispel the adult baby allegations. And much like her Mad Max bicycle chaps from Coachella, while I think the butt-centric look is solid, I don’t understand why she insists on always pairing them with these shiny, overly tan dance tights. If we’re going cheeks out, let’s go cheeks all the way out!
And then there was her outfit for this Mienne event where she got her box out at The Box and I absolutely love it. (Check out Jess’s on the ground reportage from that event!) I think the t-shirt, peekaboo sarong, stocking combo is very chic and the faux Prada shield sunglasses absolutely make it. As for the free bleed situation, first of all, brava to Julia for realizing what potent, untapped territory the period is for celebrity outrage dressing. But that said, I think this could’ve been a touch more impactful if she’d pushed it one-step further in either the au naturel or ornamental direction. I have to assume this is red dye not actual blood given the color and the fact I haven’t heard her telling every outlet available a story to the contrary, and I think this whole thing would be a lot more punk rock if this was just Julia having her period al fresco. Either that, or I’d like to have seen menstrual blood get the full couture treatment by having this stain be made of intricately embroidered beads and sequins. Just some food for thought for our next brave menses warrior!
And as always, it wouldn’t be a Julia Fox outfit if I didn’t hate the choice in shoe and handbag, but granted they’re also not the most offensive pairing I’ve seen from her — so progress!
Mess Muse Alert
Pom Klementieff has been making an extremely strong case this week to become the newest Mess Muse to join our consortium. She’s currently promoting a new Mission Impossible movie and wearing a lot of dresses that pertain specifically to my interests while doing so. She wore a Loewe Fall 2025 gown with hip horns (right) to the Cannes Film Festival. Another very cool fantastical beast to add to our collection.
While most of you probably assume I like this metallic fringe dress she wore to the London premiere (left) because it’s extremely naked, I actually like it because it’s extremely naked AND could double as a weapon. I’ve long been pro women’s fashion that can also serve as some sort of self-defense tool. Make this mace dress heavier and even more barbed, I say.
And the Maison Margiela Artisanal Spring 2018 plastic dress Pom wore to the film’s Japan premiere is perfect and perfectly weird. I think this nightie slipcover really embodies an idea we talk about a lot in this email which is the power of building a “wardrobe malfunction” into a garment. The possibility of the public seeing something they feel they’re not supposed to creates a visual tension that automatically makes the whole outfit way more interesting.
Padded Out
And I’m going to leave you today with a couple of bumper car shaped gowns I saw out there this week that I can’t help but feel partially responsible for. My disturbed fashion utterances have once again manifested in the real world with a vengeance. With great power comes great responsibility, and clearly I’ve been abusing mine.
Shanina Shaik in this Sophie Couture dress gave us a sort of chips and dip platter take on this Dadaist trend with a sombrero-shaped element encircling her waist. Personally, I think it would be better if the ring was even wider yet and all these crystals make me wish it was more of a chandelier situation with them dangling off the bottom of this shelf.
As for Megan Thee Stallion, she wore a custom look by Chinese designer Quine Li to the Gold Gala that doesn’t really work, but I do think is headed in an interesting built-in flotation device direction. I think things would start to get a lot better if this lace body stocking either didn’t exist, was a solid mesh, or wasn’t made of a lace that reads on camera like it’s riddled with moth holes (although it would be a lot cooler if that was actually the case!). It could also be that these two bolsters just demand a little more distance between them and moving the waist cushion to the knees or hem could change everything. But overall, I’m here for this new plush sculptural era.
Ok, that’s that! Don’t forget if you want any of my recommendations on stuff or thoughts on the Pornhub Awards, you’ve got to sign up for a paid membership. Otherwise, I’ll see you all again in a week from now with a fresh bouquet of rotten attire. Bye-bye, my beauties!!
Like I’ve been saying:
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Stay chill, my bros!
Menstrual fashion would be such a move! Once Kim K starts adding red beads to her bodysuits that’s how we will know she has found her way back to shock and awe territory