Without Mulholland Drive, there would be no Hannah Montana
I love when prestige TV casts feud via Instagram.
Good day, gentle readers.
Thank you for once again allowing my foul and slatternly prose to infiltrate your sacred inboxes on this cloudy Friday afternoon. As I write to you, the construction drones on outside my building as promised, and my already feeble mind continues to weaken, also as promised. If any of you happen to be hoteliers or own a gorgeous B&B somewhere in the vicinity of New York City and would like to invite the dog and I for a quick writer’s retreat or weekend jaunt away from the cacophony raging outside my window, there’s truly never been a better time to do so than right now.
In regards to today’s title, apparently this interview is very old and he has been saying this to anyone who will listen for years now, but I only just heard Billy Ray Cyrus say the above quote on a morning news show for the first time this week and it struck me to my core. I am blown away by the butterfly effect contained within this utterance. The big reveal of the Lynchian influence upon Miley Cyrus’s rise to pop superstardom is suddenly all too apparent. I mean, I do understand what Billy Ray is actually saying here and he is technically correct. For those who don’t know, after making it as a one-hit wonder, Billy Ray had a small part as a pool cleaner in Mulholland Drive which I’m guessing he’s suggesting reminded people of his existence enough to crack open the Disney doors for his offspring to waltz through. But even so, man oh man, what an incredible sentence.
When not marveling over the scansion of this achy, breaky poet laureate, I caught a screening of The Ugly Stepsister with Jess and it was so much fun. Absolutely grotesque and haunting from beginning to end and, yes, I watched a large portion of it through my fingers with jaw agape because I am an easily frightened weenie. The film is a Swedish body horror retelling of Cinderella from the perspective of the “ugly” step-sister who is absolutely besieged by beauty culture and is willing to go to any length in order to make herself attractive to the prince, including wigs, starvation, rudimentary nose jobs, sewing eyelashes to her eyelids, and even amputation……an extremely disturbing and extremely enjoyable watch. It’s opening at IFC next week and I highly recommend you check it out if you get the chance.
I also finally received my copy of the new i-D magazine in the mail this week because — surprise! — I have a big story in it. I interviewed Margaret Qualley who is not only stunningly beautiful, but also hilarious and charming and nice. Seems unfair to be blessed with both hands in this fashion, but such is life! I recommend grabbing a print copy if you’re able as everything in the mag is super cool, but the piece should also be rolling out online in the coming weeks so keep an eye out. I hope you enjoy it and that more people start hiring me to write big celebrity profiles because it is very fun :)
As I told paid subs, I’ve been feeling deeply uninspired by what I’ve been seeing out there this week, I think we’re just in a pre Met Gala slump, or so I’m hoping. I cobbled together a handful of notable ensembles for today, but instead of writing the usual Sloppy Seconds content for paid readers, I instead wrote a little essay called “The Death of Celebrity Aura.” It’s full of some not totally fleshed out thoughts about the Walter Benjamin essay I read for my book club and how it explains why the whole mythology around famous people has started to crack. I think there’s some really intriguing food for thought in there, if you’re so inclined!
I also filmed a new YouTube vid that should be out sometime next week. And I’ve been thinking about livestreaming the Met Gala red carpet on Substack and/or YouTube next month. I put a query out on Notes, and a couple of fellow substackers said they would be down to join me on that journey. Now I’m wondering if there’s a way I can do a rotating cast of guest commentators over the course of the night because I think it would be very fun to get a bunch of different hot takes on those lukewarm looks from all different walks of life. Let me know if you’d like to tap in!
Well, well, well! It’s that time again.
Clown Couture Cont’d
We’ll begin today with Mess Muse Julia Fox who actually looks fantastic in this rose-dappled Marni set, and for once her accessories and footwear do not offend me!!! In fact, this hat is exactly the type of fabulous millinery confection I’ve been requesting for years now. A small red carpet miracle. What does sit heavy on my spirit, however, are these hair and makeup stylings. While I am happy to see Sarah Sherman’s vision of clown couture influencing a wider audience, it’s deserving of being executed at a much higher level. I think part of the problem here is that it IS already being executed at a much higher level by Chappell Roan. Which makes me wonder why Julia wouldn’t just hire Roan’s makeup artist Andrew Dahling to execute one of his ethereal mime powdered faces on her behalf. But for now, I suppose I need to just be thankful for the modest improvements that have been made and that I’ve at least been freed from suffering through another one of Julia’s hideous clutch and pump combos.
The Bigger, The Better
As I’ve always told you, Lisa Rinna is at her best when she ditches the skintight, super sexy stuff and leans into giant, amorphous works of couture. In this case a dress from Vetements, a brand who is exclusively making the exact type of fabric bolt-laden, body-obliterating fashions the former Housewife should be wearing on a regular basis. Now all that said, much as with Julia, I loathe this hair and makeup choice. The gray eye and lip make her look ghoulish (and not in a fun Moaning Myrtle kind of way!), and this pompadour belongs to Jedward and Jedward alone. Where is Lisa’s Lord Farquaad bowl cut when you need it. If she could just get her glam squad straightened out, Lisa could easily become one of our foremost fashionistas to contend with. Her model daughters would be wise to take note!
Black Tie Bikini
And I certainly prefer that profusion of fabric to its total absence. Since reaching the high highs of full frontal nudity on the red carpet the other month, my interest has rapidly waned in regards to such displays of flesh. I’m ready to move on. I’m eternally on the hunt for what’s new, now, and next, and model Guetcha Tondreau’s American flag bikini formalwear is not it. Although I did predict around March of last year after seeing Kristen Stewart walk the step-and-repeat in little more than a Speedo that a black tie two-piece couldn’t be too far behind, and now here we are. I also do think this is a very appropriate ensemble for someone attending an event as the date of photographer David LaChapelle, and I was also charmed to learn that it’s the same custom bikini Gisele Bündchen wore on the cover of George magazine. But at this point, I’m FAR more interested in seeing a dude show up to an event dressed in this manner than seeing my umpteenth scantily-clad model.
But the primary reason that I felt compelled to include this image is that this choice in handbag is sooo funny to me. I love swimwear paired with a very sedate bag tailor made for the C-suite yet definitely purchased at TJ Maxx. At first, I thought because of the way she’s holding it, this must be some sponsored plug they had to squeeze in there, but after looking up what the bag is — nevermind! I fully believe this is Guetcha’s personal ZAC by Zac Posen purse she’s owned for years and that just makes me love this styling choice even more!
Tearaway Tuxedo
Speaking of men showing up to formal events in their skivvies, I LOVE Jeremy Scott for this. What an utterly fantastic, sexy silhouette that demonstrates to all the boring tuxedo-clad A-list dudes out there exactly how to have fun with their black tie attire. It’s very Chippendales. It’s very Magic Mike tearaway costume before they bust a move on a bachelorette party. It reminds me of when Marc Jacobs showed up to the Met Gala in that Comme des Garçons lace dress, tighty-whities, and pilgrim loafers in that it gives me the same sort of a-ha moment. It reveals all the potential avenues of greatness menswear has left woefully unexplored because guys are refusing to get just a little bit freakier with it. I need all the hunks out there to invest in a pair of riding boots and a silk tap short expeditiously. My only complaint about this particular ensemble is that I wish Jeremy had chosen between the black tank top or buttoning the blouse all the way to the top instead of having all of these conflicting necklines, but otherwise he absolutely knocked it out of the park on this one.
Apocalyptic Glamour
This is just to say that Anne Crawford, a founding board member of Fashion Trust U.S, is the only person at that event who absolutely nailed the assignment of dressing for the current apocalyptic climate in this country. This feels incredibly of the moment to me. There is something about this gown that is both appropriately sinister yet utterly glam in a way I’ve yet to see anyone embody quite as well. It’s like they managed to capture that plume of smoke and petrochemicals over Ohio in a garment. Perfection.
Old Navy Atelier
Now, what is happening over at the House of Gap. And, more importantly, why. This $45 dress Joey King is wearing is by Old Navy and first and foremost I should say, while it is completely unremarkable, it is also not bad at all!!! And that’s honestly exactly what a red carpet dress made by Old Navy should be aiming for. Could the bust be cut in a more flattering manner? Absolutely. But also the way it is cut — wide and flat — is exactly how every dress I have ever tried on at Old Navy has looked on my boobs, so in that light they are also perfectly on brand here.
More than the garment itself, however, I don’t understand why this is happening at all. Especially for just a random movie premiere? Initially I thought, oh, Joey must be the new face of Old Navy. No. Then I thought, oh, this must be one of those new brand-sponsored advertorial films they’re doing like the Cheetos or the Pop-Tart movie. Not in the slightest. Then I learned that they’re calling this arm of the business “Old Navy Occassion” meaning they are in fact following in the footsteps of Gap’s announcement last week that they are launching Gap Atelier. Who asked for this……. And how long now until we get “Athleta After Dark” or an Intermix International Collection.
I mean, I’m torn because I do like seeing celebs wearing cheap stuff to formal events, and I obviously like seeing them look not great no matter the designer origins of their garment, but I would also love for these mid-range brands to really focus in on making regular, good looking things for me and my fellow regulars to purchase, and I feel like this is distracting them from that goal. At the very least, pull an H&M and save these types of pseudo-couture antics for the Met Gala.
Mert Alas Is Gay.
And this is just your periodic reminder that Mert Alas is an openly gay man, has been for decades now, and I need the tabloids to STOP THE MADNESS ALREADY. I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t know how many more times I can read some half-baked blog in the Daily Mail or Us Weekly speculating that this “mystery man” — who is actually one of the most famous fashion photographers alive — is “dating” whatever famous woman he happens to be photographed getting lunch with that day. Please do five more seconds of googling!!! This week, it was him and Kim, much to Kim’s delight I’m sure as she loves a dating misdirect lest we forget the Tom, Odell, and Elon rumors before this one. (Ok, those Elon rumors might be coming from me and me alone.) Of course, Mert also has a gin brand to promote, so I’m sure he’s not mad at the drummed up attention he’s getting either. But if celebrity media wants to know why it’s a dying industry, they should start by taking a hard look at these weird misinformation, clickbait campaigns they obsessively churn out that can be easily dispelled if you have an iota of common sense.
On the Crabwalk
And finally, a new chic animal accessory just dropped!!!! One thing that I always forget about writing a newsletter is that after doing this every week for five years, you have all come to know me and my pet interests incredibly well and because of this are able to make recommendations and tag me in things that are finely attuned to my tastes. This video of a crab wearing an anemone like a chef’s hat is a perfect example as I was sent it by at least five different Messketeers. I urge you to click through and watch if you haven’t already, it is just as delightful as it sounds. And again, I must inquire, why are humans the one species on this planet failing so spectacularly at coming up with such inspired and chic ornamentation. Celebrity in a sea anemone chapeau, when?!!!
Ok, I know you’re as angry as Carrie Coon clutching the drapery while ordering room service right now, but that’s all the Mess I’ve got in the coffers for today. I’ll see you back here next week with a new YouTube video, a new podcast episode for paid subscribers with a VERY special guest, and more of the usual deluge of dreckitude. Until then, goodbye!!!
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Time for me to peace out, beloveds!
Podcast episode/YouTube video with a panel of your esteemed colleagues dissecting each Met Gala look and rating each attendee on outfit technique; styling; posing; theme; campiness; and overall vibe, ultimately crowning a Winner Winner Chicken Dinner? 🙏🏼