Howdy, friends!
What’s going on out there? Hope the eclipse didn’t rattle you too much. As I already told paid subscribers, I think it’s important for humanity to periodically be made aware of just how impotent and insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, so I was really living for the temporary blackout and all the superstitious fear-mongering it inspired on social media.
This week, I was also once again treated to a new hate read du jour and I pray that this run of good literary fortune never comes to an end. If gossiping, sharing half-baked inflammatory opinions, and sniping at each other is how we get people to actually start reading again, I’m all for it. It’s certainly working for me. The viral Bookforum takedown of Lauren Oyler’s new book felt particularly toothsome because, given that I am **technically** a part of the literary world myself, I got to feel like I have some skin in this game, even though I don’t know any of the people involved and have no opinion on the matter whatsoever. I am, primarily, just a big fan of petty beefs wherever and whenever they arise, as long as I get to participate at a great distance. Just look at Kendrick Lamar’s recent diss of Drake. You can’t imagine the vindication I feel as someone who has hated that corny man for years to finally get to hear my favorite rapper so thoroughly and professionally Ether him. A true delicacy. A feeling of catharsis that I imagine people who are actually in the publishing and criticism world also felt upon reading that article. And, on the bright side, that scathing review introduced me to critic Dwight Macdonald and his book Masscult & Midcult, which is apparently an analysis of American popular culture published in 1960 in which he explored the differences between high culture and the ready-made, more easily consumable culture mass produced for us by capitalism, and I’m very excited to dive deeper into learning all about that!
For those befuddled by today’s title, it comes from the very How the Grinch Stole Christmas first name that trad wife / mormon mommy TikToker Nara Smith gave to her new baby with male model and indie sleaze heartthrob Lucky Blue Smith. Rumble Honey……Slim Easy…….and now, Whimsy Lou. The holy trinity is complete. I can’t stop saying it. It’s so profoundly silly and on brand in the most perfect way.
This week, Mess got a couple nice shoutouts in The Truth About Everything and The Review of Beauty for my extensive coverage of Jennifer Lopez’s wildly vague bodega order and crucial butt crack reportage, respectively. So thank you to both of them for spreading the word about our deranged little corner of the internet!
It was also announced this week that I’m going to be a panelist at this Met Gala watch party being hosted at Caveat in NYC on the first Monday in May. So if you’re around and free that night and want to ruthlessly dissect the red carpet with me live as it happens, please grab some tickets for that! I would especially love to see you guys and gab with some like-minded bad fashion enthusiasts as everyone else on this panel is a professional comedian and I’m scared. I need your sartorial solidarity now more than ever! Also please send me ideas for what I should wear!!!!
Today’s installment is going to be a little shorter than you’re accustomed to because I put the bulk of the good stuff behind the paywall. I warned you all this day was coming! If you need any further temptation to start forking over $5 for this email, please know that this week paid subs were treated to a discussion regarding Aoki Lee Simmons and the history of the pro yachter. I discovered the first male diva (divo?) to officially join the pantheon of Mess greats.I talked some trash about Blake Lively and the costumes in A Simple Favor. And I suggested a serious career restructuring for the Beckham-Peltzs. Won’t you join us already?
Ok, regardless, here we go!
To kick things off today, does this woman have no team? Are there no media professionals around her who could be giving feedback? A singular PR person who might make a gentle suggestion? Because while this outfit is technically fine, I guess, if I represented a celebrity currently struggling with some serious authenticity issues on multiple fronts, I might advise her to avoid wearing the $600 faux mud-stained jeans that make it look like she’s wearing manual labor as a costume. Especially given that the last time we saw JLo around some mud was when she was asking “how muddy is the mud” while setting $20 million dollars on fire. But what do I know!
Readers who have been with me for a minute know how momentous this particular red carpet moment is for Mess and my extremely limited, yet eerily accurate, psychic abilities. But, for those who don’t, I’ve been encouraging celebs to get into exactly this type of 3D silver blob attire since the 2023 Grammys when the musician Lucky Daye wore a suit that looked like it was wrapped in an inflatable stole made of ectoplasm. And while there’s been a handful of similar ensembles since then, this custom Grace Ling look worn by model Alex Consani feels like the rightful heir to Daye’s outfit. It almost looks like an image that’s been run through some AI image generator, or a TikTok filter come to life. In this case, one possessed by an evil spirit. I still think that toying with the line between the physical and digital realm — much as JW Anderson did with that 8-bit collection for Loewe — could be a very fruitful and very modern new avenue for fashion to explore. Plus, in a world where every red carpet outfit is now “couture” and (thanks to Ozempic) every celeb is runway sample-sized anyway, I think a 3D sculpture custom-molded to your specific proportions feels more technically impressive and could unlock a whole new echelon of luxury, much as the Tom Ford breastplates once did. And you know how the uber rich love to differentiate themselves from the unwashed masses!
We had a brief chat about the return of our street style savior Rihanna in Sloppy Seconds this week, but I wanted to bring up this particular ensemble here just to say: The Balenciaga pantalegging strikes again! Despite sources telling me they’d found this particular high-end designer item deeply discounted at their local Nordstrom Rack, it appears the pant with boot attachment is inexplicably still going strong amongst the celeb set. While I find the American Apparel disco pant version of this style to be very humdrum at this point, I think what saves it here is the nude optical illusion created by almost matching Rihanna’s skin tone and layering a fishnet on top. It takes this year’s pants-less trend and dramatically ups the ante. It says, ditch the brief entirely or be left in the fashion dust. As I said last week, the labia cometh! But that fact aside, I also like this version because there’s something a little Fosse about it. All That Jazz even! Also, it’s proof that there are still interesting ways to style the pantashoe, now somebody please let Kim know.
The most important thing for you to know about this image is it’s an unmarked Mango ad. SplashNews even tagged the brand in this post, which I assume means they’re getting paid for it as well. And hence why EmRata is leaning hard here into the press angle about her ~crazy, sexy, cool~ dog walking outfits that are completely impractical for the reality of dog walking in NYC. It’s the perfect gimmick, the perfect slight shift in context, to make the same old naked dressing suddenly headline-worthy again. We’ve seen twelve million thongs under a sheer skirt at this point, but put some bare butt cheeks next to your pooch and suddenly it’s very solid outrage bait all over again. A good lesson for celebs everywhere on how to keep the same old tricks working to their advantage long past the expiration date, but also a great reminder for the rest of us that good clicks, hate clicks, it’s all clicks at the end of the day. These people don’t want your approval, they want your engagement and the inflated check that comes with it, and there’s no better way to get that than encouraging you to rage endlessly into the algorithm. Although if you think for a single second that means I’m going to stop feeding into the JoJo Siwa flop machine, you are sorely mistaken.
I’m very torn about Paris Hilton’s latest Mugler look because, on the one hand, it is testament to my theory that exposing weird patches of flesh elevates the played-out oblique or underboob cutout to the realm of the uncanny, thus making it interesting again. On the other hand, I hate this peekaboo latticework, especially the way it looks on the sleeves. But then again, I am very interested in how it layers over the skirt, creating these unusual pockets of dimension, specifically the subtly padded panniers of the skirt poking through the open panels of the blazer. So all in all, I guess this is actually a huge success because I can’t remember the last time I thought this long and hard about anything Paris Hilton was wearing. I’m just begging celebs to stop relying so heavily on red carpet sunglasses to try and convince us something looks cool.
Moving seamlessly into the menswear category of this email, I just really like Jaden Smith’s jacket and vest combo here. For one, these two colors together are great, but what I enjoy even more is this juxtaposition of silhouettes. There’s something very pleasing to me about the sleek, thin windbreaker against the marshmallow puff of the vest that looks like it could also be concealing a bullet proof vest. Just a playful new take on volume and proportion to mull over.
I felt like Noah Jupe’s outfit also provided me with much food for thought this week! As I’ve said before, the Timothée red carpet formula has clearly swept the young men of Hollywood, but it seems that even though they know they should be wearing a sexy, little top they don’t exactly know which sexy, little top it ought to be. Because I do not like the combo of this shirt with this choice in suit at all, but I do think Noah is on to something with this sternum-grazing neckline. The main issue here is that these patterns actually don’t clash enough to make it interesting, just enough to be ugly, and the sheerness throws off the delicxate balance of exposed flesh to suiting. I think the old-timey strong man unitard silhouette is dead-on though and actually would’ve looked amazing here if he ditched the blazer entirely and did the same singlet but in a solid color spandex material, infusing this formal wear with a little himbo energy, like if the Von Erich brothers got invited to an award show. Why do I also feel like that is something Kristen Stewart would 100% wear.
Troye Sivan, however, remains the absolute reigning champion at consistently providing me with legitimately edgy, androgynous fashions. A true pop star. These photos were shot by Michael Bailey-Gates for the new issue of Homme Girls and I think they’re so great. While you know I’m ready to move on from the whale tail entirely and let the butt crack take center stage, when the fur coat has a special slit specifically to reveal said G-string, I’m all the way back in again. And while I’ve been joking about people wearing padded muscle suits for a minute, I feel like this look on the left is the closest we’ve come to actually seeing that trend come to fruition. It makes the proportions of everything going on here look crazy, in the best way possible, artificially widening Troye’s hips and shoulders while simultaneously making his torso look twice as long. I bet this ensemble would also double beautifully as a floatation device in a pinch.
But most importantly, before we wrap things up here for today, I’m sure you’ve already seen this video of Lenny Kravitz going hard at the gym in leather pants and a mesh tank, but just in case you haven’t — you’re welcome. This is exactly the type of content I want from famous people. Completely divorced from reality yet utterly fabulous. For some reason, I feel it’s important for you to know that this took place at the Equinox in Hudson Yards. I don’t know why, but that really helps me understand why all the finance bros in the background of this clip are moseying around like this is a totally normal thing to witness transpiring at this $300/month gym. Just another classic Wednesday getting pumped with the boys in our cowhides! Now, an aspect of this video I feel like we’re really not asking enough questions about is this personal trainer wearing a zip-up hoodie with no shirt, Carhartts, suede Chelsea boots, and wraparound Oakleys. Even Lenny’s entourage is too swaggy!
Ok, that’s all I’ve got for today. If you need the 411 on the rest of the alarming ensembles that transpired this week, make sure to sign up for a paid subscription so you can catch up with the latest and not greatest. Otherwise, stay safe out there like Barbara Corcoran until we meet again!
See you around, players!
In conclusion:
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Peace out!
Paris needs to hike those tights uppppp
Am I the only one who thought Lenny's trainer was Joe Manganiello at first glance???