Welcome to Slivingland!

No more edible beauty trends.

Hellooo!!!

Since we last spoke I’ve just been doing yet another massive clean out of my living quarters, tackling all the overlooked nooks and crannies filled with junk, i.e. a room in my apartment I’ve simply dubbed “The Zone.” But I’ve been predominately focused on the closet filled with my clothing, all of which I seem to have grown extremely weary of overnight. In the pursuit of remedying my sartorial ennui, I’ve now tried on every single thing I own and purged a good third of it despite the intrusive thoughts that tell me I should just throw the whole lot in the dumpster and start over. I’d like to say that I’m offloading all these items because I’m paring back to create some minimalist dream capsule wardrobe, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s more like, over the past three years, I’ve gone from an every day office girly to someone who only leaves the home to workout, run errands, walk Fran, and attend the occasional social function resulting in my current complete fashion identity crisis. I’m suddenly questioning everything about my own taste and what type of person I want to present myself as in the world. And yes, I understand how weird it is to be someone who has infinite opinions about other peoples’ outfits and none about my own, but such is the way my twisted little brain functions. So I’m currently on the hunt for my personal style again after feeling like it was once honed to razor-sharp perfection. A perfection that now feels woefully, tragically dated. Perhaps it’s time I fire up some Pinterest boards. That and actually make some money so I can afford all these brand-new togs.

Speaking of strongly held opinions, for those unfamiliar with the glamour and the opulence featured in the image above, that is the drag queen Delta Work who hosts one of my favorite YouTube podcasts Very Delta. And just when I thought I couldn’t love her or her thoughts on the correct way to order from Del Taco any more, this week she revealed that she is in fact the inventor of the cowboy boot mule. All hail the beguiled by a bargain Pirouette diva. I do, in fact, want to see her go off.

And finally, if you’re not a paid subscriber that means you missed out on a little treat from me this week in the form of an edition of Sloppy Seconds. In my latest missive, we dived into the new Hadid that just launched, J.Lo’s very delayed discovery of Le Chiquito, and I gave a sneak peak at some primo Chanel Flops content starring none other than an early aughts Nicole Kidman. If that brief description has got you clamoring for more, sign up already! It’s just $5! And in addition to your weekly dose of Sloppy Seconds, I’ve also got a Troop Beverly Hills recap in the works, and another reader just suggested The Talented Mr. Ripley (a film which is my absolute obsession) and Working Girl, so much to look forward to there. Or just join the Mess Discord, whatever strikes your fancy.

Ok!

If you’re currently wondering what this Slivingland I’ve invited you to is all about, that is the name of Paris Hilton’s new Roblox game (????). It’s been a very unfortunate week for the hotel heiress who is not only currently living it up in Maui as the rest of the island smolders around her, but is also being sued by the Bored Apes guys as the NFT market finally collapses in a truly spectacular fashion. I love that Paris has somehow leveraged her heirdom into becoming the poster girl of financial grift, from crypto to NFTs to this Roblox game which I can’t definitively say is a scam but it’s definitely not not suspicious. Namely because I do not believe this woman has played a video game in her entire life, although there’s certainly plenty of photos of her posing with Nintendo products at promotional events. So yeah, I don’t know, maybe stop taking financial advice from an inherited wealth billionaire who moonlights as a rave DJ? Just a thought!

It was also revealed this week that fellow inherited wealth billionaire, Nicola Peltz, is going to be interviewed on camera in this wedding planner lawsuit fiasco and I am counting down the days. This is my Super Bowl. Forget Gwyneth supposedly plowing down a man on the slopes and then wishing him well, this is the real trial of the century. And the second this litigation is over, I’m going to need these planners to write a tell-all memoir about their experience posthaste. Maybe they can also call up Nicola’s old nannies while they’re at it for some supporting quotes testifying to her character.

This isn’t my usual Mess fodder but it is PERFECTION and so I felt I should include this brave new world of accessories we’re stepping into. This bag was designed by Nik Bentel Studio and the hot dog is not included, it’s simply demonstrative of all the cylindrical food stuffs you could be carrying around in this elegantly appointed clutch. This is exactly the type of silly, yet fabulous accoutrements I wish luxury brands were pumping out. Like inspire me to dream of a world where I’m so rich even my sandwich has it’s own specific handbag. How has a brand like Vetements or Moschino never done this. It would even look right at home amongst Hermès’s more insane leather goods. Someone make Bentel head camp curator of their fashion house immediately.

I have nothing more to add to this recent revelation except — Chic! I love when a celebrity obfuscates the mundane, I love when they conceal factual information about their lives only to tell us months after the fact. Keep that mystery alive! Leave me guessing for eternity! Tell me you had a baby and then absolutely never let me see it. Get married, but never reveal to whom. Celebs could learn a lot from the way the Olsens conduct themselves in relationship to the media. This is infinitely cooler and more A-list than doing a Vogue cover pregnancy reveal. (Although, I will always take any photo of an Olsen I can get wherever I can get it.)

This week, my internet friend Hanna asked what is perhaps the most important question of our time. Why DOES Bryan Johnson insist on wearing these cunty little tops. For those unfamiliar with this made-in-a-lab Benjamin Button, Johnson is the guy injecting himself with his teenage son’s blood and generally living the most unpleasant life possible all in a bid to reverse the aging process and live “forever.” A great use of his tens of millions of dollars considering he’s already aged like spoiled milk over the course of the last four years he’s been doing this nonsense. At least he dresses like he’s ready to join a cyber rave at a moment’s notice even if he never leaves his cryogenic chamber.

Now, I’ll admit that I did not enjoy watching a single second of this plastic surgery spon con, but I also do think it’s the future Joe Jonas hath promised. In the clip, Stacey Bendet, the founder of Alice + Olivia, and her doctor go into detail about everything she does to achieve and maintain the “Stace Face” down to the exact injectables. While I think it’s pretty dystopian that this is where we’re currently at with the state of beauty influencing, on the other hand, I do appreciate this level of transparency. If you’re going to build your face in the surgeon’s office, why not brand it and tell people exactly how to replicate it at home, all while getting your own work done for free for doing the ad. Plus, I was just saying the other week that I wish the Kardashians would be this direct about the work they’ve had done and stop teasing it out like it’s an interesting plot line for their reality show. Besides, for a group of women who loves to monetize everything they do, I’m surprised they’re not already following Stacey’s formula. People have been doing their damndest to make themselves look like Kim with the help of a doctor for a decade now, so why not tell them exactly how to achieve those results, sparking a signature plastic surgery craze and a slew of high-priced injectable brand deals in the process. As I said last week, Kim should be pivoting to medical spon con anyway as that industry can actually afford to pay double all her already exorbitant fees, but more on that front in a minute.

On the topic of big fibs, who doesn’t like lying on the internet! It is our national pastime! It is our right and our duty. And this type of behavior is exactly what makes Troye one of our better celebs. He is not afraid to troll his fellow famous people completely unprompted and speak openly about his butthole, and for that we love him.

Since this newsletter has been so uncharacteristically upbeat so far, I thought I would keep the joyful spirit going by sharing with you all an outfit that I loved this week. It was worn by Steve Lacy at the Variety “Power of Young Hollywood” event and is head-to-toe Saint Laurent. Yes, it’s fully seasonally inappropriate, but I just think he looks so cool. It really reminds me of — and captures a similar conceptual essence to — Kim K’s Balencaiga Met Gala shroud in that there’s a real star power to showing up on a red carpet in total anonymity. A presence that’s made stronger by their visual absence. I also think it’s interesting that not a single outlet referred to this garment as a dress, just an “oversized turtleneck.” How do we expect men to join in the genderless fashion revolution if we refuse to refer to what they’re wearing as what it actually is. As the early aughts taught all of us, just because you’ve layered a pair of pants beneath it does not negate the fact that this is a dress.

And Mess Muse Aubrey O’Day is musing as powerfully as ever. Much like last week, she’s once again modeling a dress that I’m not sure can exist outside of her expertly crafted Instagram liminal space. But that said, it does take the elements of tenuous wardrobe malfunction we’ve talked about in this newsletter to a new level. This dress looks ready to fall off her torso with a single, slightly too forceful arm gesture, and that’s exactly what makes it so great. But, of course, the best part is always the inspirational words of wisdom she leaves us with. In this case, “To our collective wounds of war… long may they remind us of the cost of everything we’ve won.” Rumi, who.

Likewise, I’m loving this space age Mojo Jojo matching set Saweetie cooked up. She fully embodies the futuristic super villain vibes, while still making the look feel very grounded. This is also a perfect example of what I always say about the power of an unusual angle to make exposing a large swath of under-boob not feel stale. And as if all of that weren’t enough, the rapper went and capped things off with a linebacker-caliber shoulder pad.

All of the above feels especially refreshing in the face of even more areola and underwear-revealing apparel. A style which has now trickled down to some of our foremost fast fashion influencers, Jordyn Woods and Justine Skye. The appearance of this trend on both these ladies also means we’ve officially reached peak saturation point and it’s high time for our edgiest, press hungry tastemakers to venture off in search of fresh scandal. Although, that said, there is something a little entrancing about Jordyn’s bedazzled watercolor jeans, in a Viva Las Vegas kind of way. This look also got me wondering, how much longer until someone shows up in Britney Spears’s fully mirrored mesh bodysuit from the “Toxic” music video? We already know Kim K loves a garment pilfered from an icon, now could be her big chance to regain some relevancy…….

And that’s not to say we aren’t getting any nudity novelty out there. This week, Heidi Klum introduced us to the concept of pant garters, allowing her trousers to dip to even greater lows and thus reveal even more FUPA segments. A powerful concept, although I think we can go even lower with it, something more in the vein of what we saw from Japanese Breakfast last week. And picking up right where Doja left off, in between jetting from coast to coast for some clandestine trysts with an automaton, Irina Shayk gave us another look at the sheer mini skirt trend, playing with transparencies in an interesting way by pairing this barely-there tennis apparel with some semi-opaque, open-toe thigh-highs.

In less pleasant news, overnight, Jeremy Allen White has become a tabloid menace. His wife filed for divorce in May, and it seems someone on the actor’s team immediately taught him the formula for generating coverage and handed him the phone number for his local paparazzo because he’s been on a publicity rampage ever since. Take away this man’s PR privileges.

But also he literally just commented “wow” on that photo of Alexa like the newborn fuckboy he is, so “gushes” is a little much, Page Six. Let’s calm down.

And the bermuda jorts agenda continues. Things are looking increasingly Sk8r Boi out there. Although long time readers might recall that EmRata has been a major proponent of a culotte since at least August 2020.

Speaking of the return of the X Games, I have been sitting on my own Thrasher sweatshirt for years now patiently waiting for the day when I can wear it again in public without shame and Kourtney Kardashian is currently attempting to ruin that for me. Listen, it’s not my fault it’s currently the most perfectly broken-in sweatshirt I own. And just like the Free Winona t-shirt I kept for 20 years, you better believe my day will come again.

Anyway, we’ve also got to move on from responding to all Thrasher merch with “I bet they don’t even skate!” Like, duh, obviously. None of us skate, that is the point of this brand. Thrasher is stolen skate valor for posers.

Since we’ve now officially broached the subject of the Kardashians, I was talking with my friend Christina last week about Kim’s #notanad regarding the “full-body health scan machine” that tells you what’s wrong with you for a meager $2500, and we were asking ourselves why Kim would promote something like that for free, especially on her grid where she is paid easily a million per post to plug anything. And then it occurred to us, is it possible that Prenuvo is one of the companies SKKY Partners has invested in? So technically, it’s #notanad, it just comes with a little kickback to her private equity firm on the back end. It sure would make a lot of sense…You gotta admit, as nefarious as it is, there is no one better at advancing extreme celebrity capitalism than Kim.

And now that we’re here, when does this brand deal end? How many years does Dolce have the elder sisters’ wardrobes under contract for? I maintain that there’s no way they got paid anywhere near enough for the full year of free promotion that’s been going on here.

But then again, clearly these women are titans of the fashion industry. They must know what they’re doing. I mean, here is America’s top model and Harper’s Bazaar “Icon” Kendall Jenner posing as she poses best. I think it’s safe to say, nobody poses like her!

And while watching one of her more solipsistic Instagram posts this week, I came to the realization that in this clip Kendall is filming herself with an iPhone in one hand while pretending to film herself with the Canon digital camera in the other and that mental image is endlessly hilarious to me. I hope you find it amusing as well and will carry that vision forth with you into your weekend.

Ok, it’s about time for me to go sing some lullabies to the basil so they won’t fear the night.

And grab some fresh calamari with Kristin Cavallari.

Joey King is agog

See you around!

Congratulations! You’ve traversed the many pitfalls and perils I’ve laid out before you to make it to the end of yet another horrifying edition of I <3 Mess. If you still haven’t lost your voice from screaming at all the nightmare fodder I’ve subjected you to today, may I suggest pushing your tolerance for terror to the max by getting yourself a paid subscription? And considering your exceptional taste in all things déclassé, I have to assume that you run with a pack of equally iconic D-list disasters, in which case I must urge you to also sign them up for a free subscription. If you’re interested in maximum Mess exposure, but currently can’t swing the extra cash, I highly recommend you go and join the ~MESS DISCORD~ where 650 fellow Messketeers are eternally spilling the scalding hot tea. And don’t forget to load up your back to school wardrobe with some gorgeous Mess Merch.

As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more Mess, just ask me about getting a comped subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion or bail fund, your next month of Mess is on me.

Now, get to it!

Who said chores can’t be fabulous?