Too many costumes

Peregrine Pearson sounds like a Harry Potter character.

Ciao Messketeers!

Welcome back! I hope your Halloweens were frightening and filled with gallons of high-fructose corn syrup. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere for the holiday and then suddenly ended up at a party last minute so I threw together a very lackluster lil’ devil costume, which you can see here if you care to do so. I did, however, blow the other guests away with my karaoke abilities, by which I mean I shocked them into silence with my unstoppable urge to shout every song at the top of my lungs despite how tone deaf and bad at singing I am. As I told Sloppy Seconds readers, I’ve already got plans to redeem myself with next year’s costume. I now have a note on my phone filled with graphic tee-based impersonation ideas that you better believe will all be deployed in 2024.

Otherwise, it has been a truly uneventful week over here at Mess, Inc. HQ largely involving setting up schedules, filling out paperwork, and figuring out logistics. As always, I am blown away by how despite the fact that my complete and utter unemployment is still going strong, my days remain full of minutia to the point that I don’t know how I could possibly squeeze in a job on top of everything else. My ability to find productive ways to procrastinate remains infinite. But in lieu of boring you with the mundanities of my daily life, here’s a cute picture of Fran surrounded by her collection of bones and horns taken after she kept me up all night with diarrhea because I was dumb enough to give her a tiny bite of steak out of the kindness of my heart:

As you can see, she’s made a full recovery and bounced back to her usual bratty self. I also tried to put my deceased cat Dora’s tiny sombrero on her head for a festive All Hallow’s Eve photoshoot, but she was having none of it. To be fair, if ever there was a cat who would possess an inanimate object purely out of spite so she could haunt all my future pets, it was absolutely my gal Dora.

My parents also sent Fran those buttons that all the dogs on TikTok use to “talk.” At first, she was terrified of them, and while now she definitely understands what they are and what they relate to (scary in its own way), she has chosen to exclusively use them to terrorize me. The obsessive pressing of the “potty” button whenever she just wants to see what my roommate is getting up to downstairs is one thing, but her insistence on exclusively pushing the “food” button in the pitch black dead of night is actually horrifying.

Anyway! This week, Sloppy Seconds readers were treated to my myriad thoughts on Kim K’s new hard nipple bra, Taylor Swift’s questionable interaction with a deeply questionable man, and Kendall Jenner’s many attempts at “serving lewks.” You know you want to find out what I have to say on all those topics, so please sign up for a paid subscription. And as I mentioned in the Discord, I’m also cooking up some secret Pinterest boards for paid subs featuring a few of the random inspo photos, highly meme-able pap shots, and weirdo little shoppable items I’ve sourced from across the internet. I’m still loading it up with only the finest Mess selections, but that should be ready for your perusal very, very soon.

Ok, the hour is nigh!

First things first. Judging by the laidback photo shoot I see above, I didn’t issue last week’s warning sternly enough. So, I repeat: Do not. Legitimize. This man as a fashionista!!!! And as I’ve said from day one, this whirlwind romance is just a little too lucrative for him, if you ask me. Don’t get me wrong, I hope this wholesome Americana relationship works out for all involved, I just don’t like the volume of collabs and podcasts and trademarks and brand deals and BBQ meals sold exclusively at Walmart transpiring here and I am not going to take my eye of Travis Kelce’s pocketbook for a single second.

Something else I can’t quite wrap my head around is the choice to antagonize SAG-AFTRA over a Halloween costume. Is doing Kill Bill dress-up really that important to you? Basically, for backstory, the Screen Actors Guild answered a question about how people could support the strike during Halloween by saying that members shouldn't go as characters from struck content, which is most movies and TV shows, and should try not to post on social media. Of course, absolutely everyone ignored them. But being the rebellious rule breakers that they are, Megan Fox and MGK had to make sure that they weren’t only dressed as characters from struck content but also that the union fighting for their rights and the future existence of their profession got a good look at just how little they give a fuck about their rules. As always, nothing but the most punk rock behavior from the most punk rock duo in Hollywood.

And since we’re on the subject of my least favorite couple. As if Chanel isn’t already having a hard enough time as it is, MGK went to a basketball game in this heavily-logo’d sweater perfectly demonstrating just how dumb you too would look in such a garment and giving, as one astute Discord member put it, “emu detective.”

And while I hate to give any credit to this red-pilled edgelord, I have to say, she does have the patented Mess outfit formula down to a T. Not only is Doja Cat sporting a chiaroscuro nudie bodysuit complete with rippling abs, mere weeks after I expressed my admiration for Julia Fox’s George Michael-esque muscle suit, but she’s also sporting the Rihanna chap boots with an absolutely enormous saddle bag dangling off the side plus a calf AND ankle cargo pocket just for good measure. Dare I say, a Mess masterclass.

As I said, in today’s headline there were simply way too many costumes out there this year. I understand 2, I’ll accept 3 even. But this Halloween it felt like every single star was averaging a minimum of 5 heavily-documented looks. We were getting full weeks worth of film-caliber outfit reproductions. My friend also made the interesting observation that famous actors need to stay out of this holiday altogether as their job is Halloween, so they should leave this one day of the year to the regular degulars. And while I absolutely resonate with that take, at the same time, I have to say – this egg is very good. While there’s a whole lot of humdrum out there, when celebs get it they really get it. And I feel like Heidi Klum is one of the few who has really cracked the code. This year’s Cirque du Soleil peacock was certainly no worm, but forcing her husband to transform into her ambulatory bird egg proves she knows exactly what the people want form her.

Janelle Monáe and Megan Thee Stallion are further prove of why we can’t expel famous people from the holiday just yet. I say anyone who is willing to spend thousands of dollars on hyper-realistic costumes and prosthetics, especially while eschewing any attempts at being sexy, is more than welcome to participate in my book. What is the point of being that rich with that much access to special effects makeup artists if you aren’t willing to pull out all the stops.

And honestly, I would live through a million more bad celebrity costumes just for this iconic moment when Ariana Grande and Trisha Paytas accidentally twinned as Nomi Malone from Showgirls. I will also say that Ariana recreating scenes from this movie with her old Victorious co-star is a Jedi-level PR move to make all of us forget about the Ethan Slater homewrecking of it all. Personally, I still think it’s a little soon and her track record is a little long to move on quite yet, but if Ari wants to keep recreating the entirety of Showgirls as a way to apologize to us all, I’m certainly open to hearing her out.

It was also all well worth it for what might be the greatest celeb engagement reveal of the decade. I want all betrothals to be announced henceforth with the bride-to-be clutching a knife in her newly ring-bedecked hand and the future groom dressed as an adult baby.

And I’m starting to think Tyga might get too into the Halloween spirit because he really gets lost in these costumes. This year’s scary clown immediately reminded me of his 2021 vampire costume in that I had the exact same thought when I saw both which is: Why is this actually the real Tyga? Why do both looks suit him so well? How natural both seem on him is actually the scariest part of all.

Now here’s something positive I will say about this year’s crop of costumes. While of course every single one was just straight up lingerie, at least it was inspired lingerie. Everyone came up with very creative characters whose outfits they could faithfully recreate while still exclusively wearing a bra and undies. Although, in comparison to the year of nipples and g-strings we just had, I gotta say, all these looks seem incredibly tame.

Now here’s something not so great. Kim, Khloé, and their lookalike influencer friends all dressed up as Bratz dolls and as you can imagine it did not go over well. But, of course, that mild controversy was the point all along. What I don’t get is why Khloé got the brunt of the blackfishing accusations here. I won’t speak for the two Canadian cousins on the ends as I’m not familiar with their spray tan situation, but this is nowhere near Kim’s real skin color either and no one said a peep about it. While both have been way too bronzed for over a decade, what actually interested me most was to learn that they’re all wearing big prosthetic silicone lips and blocked out eyebrows because……they kind of look exactly the same? Like I can tell something is a little off in the eye area, and they all look a little more identical than usual, but I really didn’t bat an eye at the lip to face proportions here. Perhaps that’s the hidden fear factor element to this costume. It’s actually a commentary on just how warped our plastic surgery-induced, doll-like beauty standards have become. Just kidding, everyone knows Halloween is about looking hot.

Well, looking hot and reaffirming the legitimacy of your family’s position in pop culture history by heavy-handedly underlining all of the connections you have to other various icons, of course. This is very much an extension of the Aaliyah conversation we were having the other week. Kim has long done this with North’s obsession with the Cheetah Girls, pointing out repeatedly that one of the show’s stars, Adrienne Bailon, is her (invisible) brother Rob’s ex-girlfriend and thus a character in the extended Kardashian universe. However, this re-introduction of Kanye iconography via North — in this case dressing up as the Graduation bear — is still a relatively new phenomenon and a very interesting plot twist from a branding perspective. Kanye once served as Kim’s source of A-list legitimacy in the world of celebrity and fashion, but he was also completely uncontrollable and constantly threatening all of her successful social climbing and sponsorships. But now, with her ex-husband thoroughly shunned by the media, she’s been given the opportunity to cherrypick the best of him and rewrite his public narrative via their children. Without him in the picture, she can fully control the rebrand, saving the beloved parts of his legacy and aligning those with herself while excising the toxic.

As for Kendall’s Marilyn costume, I think I’ve made my thoughts on that subject abundantly clear. I’ll just leave the literal 2,000-word essay I wrote about it right here.

And while all of her sisters were working overtime to win Halloween, Kourtney knocked it out of the park right out of the gate while also putting in the least amount of effort. A lot of people were saying that they couldn’t believe Kim let her borrow her 2013 Met Gala dress considering their interminably boring sisterly feud, but that just proves how many of you don’t know Kim at all. Much as with the kids costumes above, you really think Kim is going to miss out on a chance to reaffirm her own iconography? Skip an opportunity to let anyone solidify her A-list fashionista status? I think not! Regardless, from the day I first laid eyes on it I have always maintained that this Givenchy dress is actually good and way before its time. I mean, that attached opera glove was absolutely brutally mocked and now could not be any more commonplace. And while I love the all-out, 8 hours in a makeup chair Halloween looks I shared with you at the beginning of this email, Kourtney is also testament to the fact that it doesn’t always have to be so complicated, especially if you have an actual sense of humor about it.

This week also saw the official launch of Khy and it was all exactly what I expected it to be. While I am disappointed in the public for once again falling for this family’s cheap tricks, I am happy at least that in the first 24 hours only two things in this entire collection sold out. Not a great sign for someone that used to crash websites with every lip kit launch. But also not all that surprising considering, as I told you last week, this is just Fashion Nova with a LVMH marketing team attached and a weirdly high price point for gussied-up plastic. Which reminds me, I think the funniest thing about this clothing is that it is literal plastic lined with even more plastic. It is 100% polyurethane with a layer of 100% polyester underneath. Wild. And wildly sweaty. They couldn’t even figure out a way to make the material look good and non-wrinkled in their staged photographs and if these ladies’ ad campaign masquerading as a pap stroll can’t sell it, what hope do the rest of us have. What’s extra extra crazy to me though is that not only could Kylie have actually done this entire collection in a really high-end material if she wanted to, but as a billionaire she could’ve pulled a full Stella McCartney and actually invested in scientific research to come up with an even better, more realistic, sustainable vegan leather that has nothing to do with plastics at all. But of course why do something actually cool and influential when you can just get even richer for no reason instead.

Kylie also randomly shared this “fan” photo on her Instagram Stories and it unexpectedly sent me spiraling down an insane internet wormhole. At first, I just thought that Kylie’s posting of this photo was notable because it was her with a fan and I’ve seen a bunch of TikTok conspiracy theories lately about how the family doesn’t take fan photos anymore because they need to control the editing and they don’t want people to really get a good look at them without photoshop. Hence why you also are often hard-pressed to find any footage or images of them on social media that weren’t taken by a professional paparazzo. And while this image might appear to dispel that theory, Kylie reposting it actually only adds fuel to the fire because this is not actually a fan photo. It was taken by the photographer STS, who by the looks of his Instagram profile works with the family very regularly when they’re in New York.

And if all of that wasn’t weird enough, then there’s the Boopsy of it all. Boopsy is someone I was not personally familiar with before this, but judging by all the comments on this post, the lore about her is well known to many. So I did some googling and learned that @boopsy429, or Lillian Gissen, is now a senior reporter at the Daily Mail, but once upon a time was infamous in One Directioner circles for essentially stalking and doxxing the band members for years. There’s also self-perpetuated rumors of Harry Styles taking out a restraining order against her. At this point, there’s so many layers to this photo, I don’t know what to make of it.

As for the family’s other various business ventures, if there’s one thing Kim is going to do when modeling for a brand it’s find her way into a full-body catsuit, as she did here for her new Marc Jacobs campaign. And, once again, Kim has managed to subsume another high-end brand, voiding it of it’s unique identity and making it indistinguishable from her own — just more Skims fodder. She also is attempting to absolutely drown us in content this week. Between the fifty costumes worn by herself and all her kids, she also launched the hard nipple bra and then doubled-down with a huge New York Times article announcing her collaboration with Swarovski, and thus explaining why all her jewelry has looked so cheap lately. This new collection is just more of the usual knock-offs of luxury designs of yesteryear, but I thought it was particularly funny that she knocked herself off here by making a body chain that bares a striking resemblance to her own stupid 17-carat belly chain. The whole family creates these designer dupes to make an easy buck off of their fans who want to “shop the look,” but in the end all it does is make everything they wear look even cheaper and more like the fake than the real thing.

On the flip side of the brand ambassadorship spectrum, I wanted to end today on an upbeat note by showing you what the impeccable fulfillment of contractual obligations looks like. Sophie Turner is working for that check. It’s not just the way she’s so prominently holding this bag away from her body with the big LV logo perfectly facing forward, although that in and of itself is finer work than you’ll get from most influencers these days. It’s the fact that she chose to make this heavily-branded pap stroll her first public appearance post making out with an aristocrat in the midst of her high-profile divorce from Joe Jonas, all while on a trip to Paris that was sponsored by Louis Vuitton to begin with! The spon con inception going on in this image is truly inspirational!

In conclusion, I don’t know who Gkay is or what her costume for Heidi Klum’s Halloween party was supposed to be. But I do know that I love this studded clip-on bang and if you want to see even more sumptuous fashion choices such as this you’re going to have to sign up for Sloppy Seconds already.

Charli D’Amelio pretending to work at Walmart

Alright, me and my multi-millionaire friends have got some working class cosplay to get to, so that’s a wrap on another installment of Mess.

Aubrey O’Day is the ultimate horse girl.

Time for me to cantor off into the sunset!

Ta-da. This immaculate demonstration of prestidigitation involving the transmutation of fashion trash into treasure before your very eyes has formally reached its conclusion. But as you’re clearly a fan of the clumsy sleight of hand I do here every week, why not give yourself the gift of a paid subscription and join us back here on Tuesday as well for another supernatural edition of Sloppy Seconds. If you’d like to share the secrets of Mess’s dark arts with your fellow sisters in divination, go on and sign them up for a free subscription. Or, if all of your money is currently tied up in buying new rabbits to pull out of your top hat, then head straight to the ~MESS DISCORD~, where almost 700 Messketeers are making good taste disappear into thin air on the daily. Don’t forget there’s also new MESS MERCH to help you look your most debonaire.

As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more, just ask me about getting a comped subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion or bail fund, your next month of Mess is on me.

Bye, besties!!!!

Gritty and his pal Al