Tom Cruise eating popcorn
And Dianna Agron's Lindsay Lohan-inspired accent.
Hi!!!
Missed you. What have you guys been up to since we spoke last? What are our big summer plans? And, most importantly, what are we wearing to them?
It’s been a little whirlwind over here at Mess HQ since I got back from Maine. Well, for me anyway. Fran has been sleeping soundly since we arrived home after thoroughly wearing herself out from galavanting about a cabin for four days straight with a pack of dogs only moderately tolerant of her happy-go-lucky puppy energy.
On Wednesday, I read aloud an essay inspired by some conversations we’ve had in this newsletter as part of the one-year anniversary show for Lana Schwartz’s Letters & Sodas. I’ve never really done anything like that, especially without some sort of prompt constraining my prose, but I had a lot of fun! And all of my fellow readers were very funny and well-spoken. I recommend you check out next month’s event if you have a chance. I also shared that essay I wrote with paid subs this week if you want to read the full thing. It’s my attempt to interrogate our cultural aversion to critical thought when it comes to fashion.
Jess and I also recorded a new episode of the pod with special guest, Body Type’s
! I learned all about protein intake and gym bro culture. That should be coming out sometime next week, so keep an eye out for that. I also bought a teleprompter this week so everyone on Instagram and YouTube can stop pointing out that I have to look down when I’m reading!As for today’s title, I was simply dumbstruck by the way Tom Cruise is out here eating popcorn in public. The scientology is showing. This was such a robotic, alien performance of how a human eats. He is attempting to infuse way to much verve and pizzazz into this simple gustatory act. When a camera is on him, Tom turns on the charisma in a way that feels volatile to the point of mania. He’s only just barely restraining himself from jumping on Oprah’s couch all over again. Also, if you have not heard Dianna Agron’s new accent, you absolutely need to go do that. What a treat. We should never ever shame or comment upon an actor suddenly going Dorit Kemsley-style transatlantic because I don’t ever want to discourage them from doing it. I love an intercontinental switcheroo. This is 2016 Lindsay Lohan all over again.
Ok, here we go!
The Greatest Rom-Com of Our Time
To begin with, I must discuss my favorite gossip item and my FAVORITE set of paparazzi photos I’ve seen in an eon. This is Max Ehrich raging against the ocean after Demi Lovato called off their engagement caliber of staged photo shoot. The highest honor I can bestow upon a collection of images. I can’t even tell you how many of my 30-something friends I’ve tried to entrap in conversation about this (PR) relationship by asking if they know who JoJo Siwa is only to be thoroughly rebuffed because everyone I know has a high-powered corporate job and/or children and no time to consume anything about this piece of pure D-list tabloid fluff.
Basically, for those of you out there who likewise have lives and families, this is JoJo Siwa of low-rent KISS drag / “Karma’s a Bitch” fame and former Love Island contestant Chris Hughes. The pair met on Celebrity Big Brother earlier this month where they had a weirdly flirtatious and intimate yet totally sexless dynamic. After the show ended, JoJo’s girlfriend broke up with her and these two have since been spotted vaguely canoodling out and about. They also went on vacation where they were spotted together in a manner that suggests this is really happening. But then I don’t know because they also landed back at LAX and immediately did this phenomenally fake loved-up photo shoot at baggage claim. Sometimes paparazzi set-ups are so preposterously executed they become camp and thus transcend to good again and this is one such case. This is a The Room caliber publicity stunt and I applaud it.
Besides, whether this love is real or not, they’re honestly perfect for each other. They are precisely the same type of PR-loving ham and I look forward to watching them milk this for all that it’s worth.
AMA Recap
It was the American Music Awards this week and I was briefly annoyed that I was on the long road back from Maine so we couldn’t livestream this red carpet together, but then I saw the actual fashions from this event and realized we truly missed out on nothing. This has got to be the snooziest red carpet of any of the music award shows. It’s certainly no VMAs.
Anyway, Jennifer Lopez was the host this year and there were two of her fifty outfit changes that I felt were worthy of a brief mention in these pages. There was the extremely JLo Mônot sequin jumpsuit (on the left) that featured a little trend I wrote about in April of last year — visible butt crack. And while this hint of intergluteal cleft cleavage feels like Jen’s bid to launch Google Images 2.0, unfortunately, nobody took the bait as way too much has already been indecently exposed at this point. Interestingly, there was another pop star who also took this evening as an opportunity to get her cheeks out, but we’ll talk more about that below.
As for this David Koma Fall 2025 gown on the right, I think the color is fantastic. But we keep seeing this type of exaggerated, protruding hip bone from designers like Balenciaga and Schiaparelli, and I have to admit they make me feel a little queasy. While it’s obviously another facet of the Build-a-Body movement, these particular hyperreal silhouettes also feel not all that different to some of the other plastic surgery-enhanced beauty standards we’ve seen popularized over the last decade. And in a time of Ozempic where hip bones are increasingly protruding, this design trend feels like it could be laying the groundwork for some newly invented body trend like the thighbrow or the BBL before it. Personally, if we’re going to enhance pelvic bones, I prefer something a touch more fantastical, like that horned Loewe Fall 2025 dress Pom Klementieff wore to Cannes the other week.
Peekaboo Pasties
A micro trend I noticed from this red carpet is that after the areola overload that was the Saint Laurent Fall 2024 era, we appear to have circled back to pasties all over again. Both rapper Sexyy Red and SZA decided to pull a Doja Cat at the 2024 Grammys by letting their glittery, star-shaped nipple stickers peek out over the neckline of their tops. I think Doja’s bare-chested iteration is much more transgressive and interesting, but this is fun too. Although, it also feels like a missed branding opportunity. Why not make the pasties the cover of your latest single or pull a Macy Grey and announce that album release date with your chest.
SZA’s ensemble also featured the double whammy of visible nipple patch and visible butt crack and the second I saw it I KNEW this was (friend of the letter) Ellie Misner’s creation. This is such a powerful silhouette to be synonymous with one’s brand. You might remember Ellie’s work from Katy Perry at the 2024 Billboard Women in Music event. I also appreciate SZA’s choice to do an IRL recreation of Kim K’s Jean-Paul Goude shoot for Paper mag based on Goude’s 1976 photo of Carolina Beaumont.
Gotta Get Down on Friday
I think Rebecca Black of “Friday” fame had all the right instincts with this outfit, it just needed to be paired back a touch for maximum impact. I think the dress by Erik Charlotte is gorgeous. I wasn’t previously familiar with that designer, but I immediately followed after seeing the type of clown couture they’re getting up to. I don’t think this look needed the veil at all, especially with this contrasting lace trim bifurcating the dress like that. It also covers up the ostrich feather detailing at the neckline and waist that I would’ve liked to have been a touch fuller as well. With everything happening with the dress, I feel like the sailor hat is all that was needed in terms of funky accoutrement.
In further Rebecca Black news, the Daily Mail attempted to embarrass her for DJing to an empty room at some AMAs afterparty and like, first of all, she gets paid whether there’s zero or a thousand people in the room so I don’t see the problem there. But also, they clearly failed to realize that this is actually an iconic photo and a fantastic new meme format. I feel like we need to have a New Yorker Cartoon-style competition to come up with the best caption for this.
A Masterclass in Posing
I’m not familiar with Dora Jar’s music, but I am now the biggest fan of her work on the red carpet. She could be the new Miss J on the inevitable America’s Next Top Model reboot. I was going to feature this outfit anyway because I love seeing a piece of practical, weather-appropriate outerwear at a formal event. This dash of reality amidst all the award show frippery makes it hit that much harder and the wearer has also secured themselves a night of comfort and leisure.
And then, I went to pull Dora’s photo from Getty and I noticed that she had performed a full modeling routine while on this step-and-repeat that included lunges, side planks, push-ups, and jazz hands, and now she’s officially an icon in my book. I love a star who isn’t afraid to give us a fresh take on Blue Steel.
The Cold Shoulder
This is just to say that I’ve recently noticed a smattering of collars like this one on Elle Fanning’s Givenchy blazer that stands up and off the body and I like the way they make the wearer look slightly adrift in their own garment. Like an adolescent sneakily trying on their parents’ stuff or a Honey! I Shrunk the Kids moment transpiring before our very eyes. It reminds me vaguely of those pannier jeans from the other week in that it creates a similar sensation that you are but a passenger aboard the vessel that is your clothing. It’s also very reminiscent of those paper doll dresses I’ve shown you before that are some of my favorite Jonathan Anderson designs.
Cash Rules Everything Around Me
Now before I go, I would just like to briefly express to you how important Estonia’s Tommy Cash has suddenly become to my life. After seeing him on Eurovision, I did a deep dive through his Instagram and the obsession only continues to grow. He is exactly my cup of tea in terms of fame performance artist. Although, all of his music videos do seem tailor-made to give me nightmares. Everything is so fully considered, executed at the highest level and with gorgeous taste. Even scarier yet, as I was scrolling I started to realize that this man has done every trend I’ve ever spoken about in this email, and he’s done them all YEARS ago, like adult babies, full-body prosthetic muscle suits, and biblically accurate Barbie-core. Unsurprisingly, he’s also a muse to Rick Owens. Hell, he’s my muse now too after everything I’ve seen.
Since I’m clearly late to the Tommy Cash party, is there some definitive profile on this man that I can read to understand his lore and how deep all of this goes? Am I going to have to write one myself just so I can find out? I am available.
Ok, well I know you’re all as utterly baffled right now as Shaboozey hearing Megan Moroney say the Carter Family invented country music, but that’s all the fashion bric-a-brac I’ve got to share with you today.
I’ll see you back here next week with more spectacularly slovenly content. Until then, have a very lucrative weekend, my friends!
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Loved talking to you! Also wait -- Lana and I went to college together and lived in the same dorm! Small world. I'll have to get her book!