This newsletter is "against hate"
Brave, I know.
Hello! Good day, Messketeers! Season’s greetings!!!
Hope you’re feeling holly and jolly and currently find yourself snug as a bug in your abode. What presents are we requesting for the holidays this year? Please let me shop vicariously through you! This is why you will never ever hear me shit talking gift guides because I have always had a serious passion for shopping through the eyes of others. I am an online consumer voyeur. I do not want to spend, but I desperately want to know how you all are spending every penny.
I’ve spent most of my week indoors cowering from these arctic winds in a swaddle of blankets and attempting to get the most bang for my buck out of this Christmas tree by whiling away the hours basking in its evergreen glory. However, I did bravely venture out a handful of times, largely to escape my aggressively heated home for yet another aggressively heated room.
I’ve been keeping up with my latest fitness addiction, hot HIIT pilates, which sounds much more aerobically psychotic than it actually is. And this week, Jess was kind enough to invite me to a soft launch event she was attending at Lore, this fancy new sauna place in NoHo. Once there, they treated us to this aromatherapy sauna experience followed by a prolonged dip in their cold plunge pool. And while I am always loathe to get in that frigid water, I am also always amazed at what an incredible calming effect it has on my body. I am also always amazed at the way my New Hampshire tundra genes immediately kick in and start coping with the extreme cold no problemo. But all in all, this was a much needed respite and I would love to make contrast therapy a more regular part of my routine, so I’m curious if anyone out there reading has any recs for places in the city they like/are affordable? My only friend who’s in to this stuff said he goes to Bathhouse to do it, which I’m open to but I’m also still a little haunted by that UTI scandal they had earlier this year….
And while all of my holiday shopping is officially done, there are about 500 holiday markets taking place this weekend and I want to go to every single one of them, but I am scared for my wallet. How many candle sconces does one person actually need? Because lately it’s seemed to me that the limit does not exist.
As I mentioned yesterday, I was also on the Inside and Outside podcast this week where I make a powerful case for FaceTuned selfies actually being postmodernist art. Would love for you to check that out if you’ve got a moment to spare!
Before we officially dive in, I need to mention that I think this might be the last free newsletter until the new year???!! Because next week, free readers will be getting TWO new YouTube videos while paid subs will get the regular Friday roundup and then I’m officially on break for the holidays! If you want to see me between now and 2026, you’ll just have to check out the podcast, upgrade your subscription to join the livestream chat happening on the 22nd at 6pm est, or swing by the Lowbrow Book Club Zoom meeting on the 29th at 8pm est for a heated conversation about the simulacrum and the simulation of it all. Otherwise, I hope you all have a fabulous and trashy holiday season, and thank you so much for making 2025 another banner year for I Heart Mess <3
To kick off today’s letter, I have to express to you all how goddamn funny I find it that Sydney Sweeney has decided to make some weird, vague statement about being “against hate” FOUR MONTHS AFTER THE FACT. It took her four months to condemn *checks notes* hate and divisiveness????? Be so fucking for real right now. Who is advising this woman. WHY do they want to sabotage her?! This has got to be some of the worst PR management I’ve seen from someone this famous. Like you must pick a lane and stick to it. If you are going to put in so much effort to ragebait and edgelord, don’t backtrack on it now! Are we gunning for queen of the MAGA-verse or are we not! Because offering vague condolences for the eugenics denim campaign at this point benefits no one. It’s not going to win her any favors on the right, and it’s wayyyyyyyyyy too late for anyone on the left to take this apology seriously. So we are condemning ambient negativity at this juncture to what end…….
Also, sorry, but if it takes you four months to make any sort of statement on a controversy you have GOT to come out swinging harder one way or another. Like me too, sister. I am also against hate. And yet, wouldn’t you know it, I somehow never bungled my way into becoming the face of white nationalism. This is so clearly a response to multiple massive film project flops in a row rather than real contrition, and I am charmed by the naiveté that anyone thought this bland statement would bolster ticket sales.
Eataly Saved My Marriage
Something else that gave me a good chuckle this week was Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton proving that they are definitely NOT having marital problems by staging a pap walk sponsored by Eataly that screams martial problems! What a gift for us all this holiday season. I hope that by now I’ve trained you all well enough that you spotted this a mile away and immediately clocked it for what it is - poorly executed spon con and a chance to cash in on those brand deals before the breakup paperwork is filed. Because, as always, the brands can’t help themselves. They’ve got to make sure they get the most overt logo-centric shot possible so they always end up heavy-handedly turning the product to camera in a way that makes the whole commercial aspect transparently obvious instead of believably realistic.
In this case, it’s that Eataly box conveniently propped up atop their grocery bags and pivoted towards the paps. At least they didn’t also flip the box over so the logo was perfectly right side up, although I’m sure the marketing team is kicking themselves over that fuck up today. Considering how long companies have been doing these types of grocery store parking lot set-ups, I still can’t believe how bad they are at doing them. To Eataly’s credit, I guess, at least this isn’t a Honey Bunches of Oats or a Ziploc situation, but they’ve got to know there are better ways to fake branding for clout. Like make a one-off grocery cart that says “EATALY” on all sides specifically for moments like this. Make sure there is a temporary illuminated sign or some sort of logo-heavy point of purchase display directly behind them. Hell, just have them toss a branded tote over their arm! Stop making me do your job better for you!!!! But also never stop being bad at it because this is my comic relief.
Skylark No More
Now, here’s just a note to say that while I genuinely love Justin Bieber’s personal style, I need him to put down the Skylrk and step away from the 3D printer for good. I promise you, we do not need this celebrity fashion line. We are all set. Drew House did not pop off for a reason. JB was already losing me with the Skylrk zip-up hoodies with built-in shoulder pads that not only make one’s deltoids double the width, but also cause them to appear aggressively rounded and dramatically sloped downward. And then I saw what he’s getting up to with this 3D printed footwear after making those bloated Yeezy slide replicas. Is anyone going to tell him that these shoes he’s holding in his hands already currently exist…….? Like these are just worse iterations of every soccer cleat and Skechers slip-on that is already on the market. These are those exact same shoes just made out of floam. I feel like the insane success of Rhode has made the Biebz believe he too can reinvent the wheel, or at least invent something like a lip gloss attached to a phone case. But I suppose if we must live through Justin trying to put his unique stamp on the Fit Flop in order to eventually get him to put out a new hit single, so be it.
New Fursona Unlocked
In further news of my fav swaggy dressers, I feel like once a quarter Irina Shayk steps out in something that truly sparks my imagination. It’s never exceptionally executed, but the seed of Mess-piration is undoubtedly there, and such was most definitely the case with her most recent cold weather attire. It doesn’t really work, but at the same time Irina’s totally on to something here. I love the juxtaposition of the jumbo faux fur with the itty-bitty denim short, and while I am triggered by the opaque tights worn beneath them, she’s also not wrong to bring back this indie sleaze staple while we are in the thick of an indie sleaze revival.
I think perhaps if the jean was a darker wash, more instantly recognizable as a jort, this would’ve really coalesced. I think a tightless version of this look, flying in the face of the actual weather outside, also would’ve caused a seriously chic stir. Or perhaps with an additional touch of absurdist luxury, like a giant multi-million-dollar cocktail ring or even just a micro espresso cup with no lid (the height of luxury imo)? Regardless, I’ve been feeling deeply indifferent towards most of the celeb fashion I’ve seen this month, but Irina just singlehandedly turned all of that around.
Pump It Up Part 2
And I wanted to include these two stiffly shaped dresses simply as further evidence of what I’ve been talking about in regards to the amplified volume and proportion going on out there right now. It’s the ozempified version of the big geometric shapes we started off the year with. Tessa Thompson wore this Diotima dress to a Critics’ Choice event with a sculptural, textured skirt that reminds me of those Dior flower walls they were always building under Raf Simons. I absolutely love the plushness of it.
And Taylor Swift wore this David Koma mini on The Late Show that looks like it was fabricated out of velvet-upholstered Tangrams. A Messketeer also pointed out on Discord that this dress was previously worn by Ashley Darby on Real Housewives of Potomac which feels like a bizarro world “Who Wore It Better?” mashup. The dress really didn’t work on either of them, but I do enjoy the way that it acts as a sort of mantlepiece for this IRL bust of themselves to sit atop. And I did say we’re in the midst of a season of very weird shoulders, and this certainly delivers that.
Cardi Got Back
Speaking of throwing shapes, Cardi is here to remind us that we all let the fully exposed butt craze pass us by too quickly last year, bringing it back in this completely backless gown by Candice Cuoco held together exclusively with gold chains. And I like this slight reversal of expectations because typically this trend has come to us in the past with an eyeful of crack as well, but Cardi is denying the viewer that pleasure which I think also somehow renders this vast expanse of flesh we see here more tame without that intergluteal cleft context. And while I always appreciate Cardi’s willingness to make her butt the center of attention in any ensemble, I must say, I have never in my life seen an exposed zipper on a dress that I liked. I think it immediately cheapens every garment its applied to.
Bed Skirt Detailing
In further body-baring innovations, Alix Earle’s Dolls Kill-esque corsetry is not my definition of interesting attire. However, my interest was piqued by this thigh ruffle that’s been gartered on to her sheer tank. I love this repurposing of a stale suspender to scintillating ends. Not only does it give you this odd peekaboo panel of upper quad, but just unsnap one of these bad boys and suddenly you’ve got yourself the thrilling threat of a wardrobe malfunction baked right in. This add your own dust ruffle feature also means you could customize this ugly dress in a million silly ways, even if just to clip on the contents of your purse to your hem for hands-free clubbing purposes. It’s like a Christmas tree skirt for the body, completely pointless yet undeniably festive.
Bricolage’d Baddies
And finally, I saw this bricolage’d look on Diane Kruger at the premiere of her new show this week, and it struck me that between this matching set assembled from scraps of newsprint and that Eva Gutowski plaster of Paris ensemble I praised at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last month, it seems there’s something decidedly papier-mâché transpiring out there, no? DIYing your own red carpet attire is certainly a clever way to pinch some pennies in this economy. Perhaps Diane heard me expounding upon my love of Mod Podge the other week and decided to try her hand at a good shellacking. Unfortunately, much like Eva’s fit, despite loving the concept, I do not love the execution. Although, I do think the choice to place that Purina Puppy Chow bag front and center on the torso is pretty fabulous.
Well, thanks for tuning in to today’s installment of Mess! Tragically, it’s time for me to hop aboard the Maxxinista Express and be on my merry way! I hope to see many of you behind the paywall for next week’s madcap Friday fashion roundup. But if not, I look forward to reuniting with you once again in 2026 for a fresh year of bad behavior! Beep beep!
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ok I’m inspired, will be wear denim cutoffs and a fur ASAP