The Katy convent curse strikes again!

Sister Catherine is really doing her big one from heaven.

What did I tell you about that Scientology PR girl…..

Howdy, folks.

I’m feeling a little reticent to share what’s been going on with me this week because I am loathe to kick off this newsletter by popping all the way off. But the level of frustration I’ve felt over the last few days has been extraordinary. I am almost never angry. I am the chillest, most low maintenance gal you’ll ever meet. But this week that disposition has really been tested to the max. I am straight up MAD.

I’ve had to expend a lot of words and energy over the last couple of days trying to explain to a publication why they cannot slap my name on an essay that I truly had almost nothing to do with writing, at least as it appeared in its final iteration. I’m going to stop myself there to spare you the mega bad vibes, and because I’ll probably end up unpacking all of this with Jess over on The Review of Mess later this month. I just think it’s important for other writers to know that this is not cool and not how the standard editing process should EVER work. As I already told paid subs, this whole back and forth has been utterly bizarre. I’ve never in my entire decade-plus professional writing career been put in a position like this where I had to tell an outlet to kill a story because of the “edits” they made to it.

On the bright side, this experience did inspire me to pause and reflect on the last ~4 years and how much both I and my career have grown from being put in exactly this type of odd power dynamic over and over and over again where I am forced to defend my right to express myself at a job for which I was hired because of the way I express myself. Despite how I may come across online, I’m a pretty serious people pleaser who hates getting in trouble, so having to stand up for myself in these situations does not come naturally at all (something I am working on in therapy!). I’m hoping this is the last of these types of uncomfortable professional confrontations because the lesson was very seriously learned this time. From now on, I’m sticking to this newsletter where you guys know how to treat me right.

Drama aside, I also got interviewed by two different publications this week on topics that, for once, were not pubic hair related! An experience that made me realize I was born to riff and be treated like some sort of pop culture soothsayer. Although I always feel like the person interviewing me is going to figure out real fast that there’s a BIG difference between a true expert and someone like me who just loves to shoot the shit professionally. But it seems that since officially taking on the title of Merkin Maestro, the people are clamoring for more of my thoughts. They want to hear me spout off, and so spout I shall. One of my life’s great passions is pontificating.

And I certainly did plenty of that in Sloppy Seconds this week as well where we took a close look at Blake Lively’s very odd Vogue editorial, Addison Rae’s instant classic “Diet Pepsi,” DeuxMoi’s latest round of undisclosed spon con, the terrible pants Channing Tatum borrowed from Drake, and one of Justin Bieber’s best outfits to date which we thoroughly dissected from Panama hat to barnacle bootie. If any of that is of interest, make sure to sign up.

I still have a couple of large Mess Live t-shirts and one XL, plus a bunch of bumper stickers if anyone wants one! Tees are $25 and stickers are $5. Reply to this email or DM me on some platform and we’ll figure something out!

And before I let you go, I just have to add that there’s a new season of Emily in Paris out this week, which means I might be rage-baited into doing another fashion recap for you all in the very near future. But I’ve been hearing through the Twitter grapevine that the clothes are actually good this season. Can it be true!?! I’ll be the judge of that. The promise of a well-dressed Emily is honestly an even scarier proposition than her usual dreckitude. I’ll keep you posted on my findings.

And away we go!

To begin, HELL YES. “This is how I win” GIF, etc. I can’t believe Vogue finally gave into the Dogue meme that’s been floating around the internet for forever and I’m so so glad they did. Even if it took them a decade too long. This is flawless. Pilaf was undeniably born to be a pint-size star. Now make it the magazine’s real cover, you cowards. I feel like you could get the same Juergen Teller haters that come out of the woodwork every year to roast W’s “Best Performances” issue real worked up over a September issue cover with just this high-flash image of a nervous little chihuahua in the corner. This is exactly the type of photographic risk I’m always begging Vogue to take and they abjectly refuse. At the very least, I hope this has demonstrated to them just how much better their covers could be if they’d take all that writing off of them. I promise you, those article headlines are not what’s selling the issue. Just let the cover shot stand alone with the iconic logo! It’s instantly a thousand times more powerful. But I also bring up this particular Dogue feature as just a gentle reminder of which newsletter with its finger firmly pressed upon the pulse of pop culture introduced you to Pilaf to begin with all the way back in June of 2022……..I don’t want to toot my own horn too much, but I was following this dog’s instagram account when it was still almost exclusively friends and family only. I am the founding member of the Pilaf fan club and I demand my flowers.

Now, someone else who is not receiving their flowers this week, nor month, nor year for that matter, is Ms. Katy Perry. As we’ve discussed in great detail in this newsletter, the rollout for her big comeback album and aesthetic reinvention has been nothing but flop after flop after flop. And, as if her inability to get a single song charting wasn’t bad enough, now there’s this. An incident that is giving me HUGE Valerie Cherish energy. It seems that her new music video for “Lifetimes” — a song tailor-made for Love Island that was, for some reason, released immediately after that show stopped airing — was partially filmed in the protected sand dunes of the Balearic Islands in Spain without proper authorization, prompting the local government to launch an investigation into the matter. From what I’ve gleaned, it seems to be more of a bureaucratic issue than a matter of her accidentally murdering some rare, endangered species of snail with her gyrations. However, still not exactly the type of press Katy needs right now! Katy’s utter inability to serve and succeed despite having every major player in the music industry foisting her upon us has actually got me thinking…….Those nuns definitely cursed her! And it’s working!!!!!

For those who don’t recall one of the dumbest things Katy has ever done, from 2015 to 2019, she was locked in an endless legal battle with a bunch of nuns over a $14.5 million former convent in Loz Feliz that she wanted to turn into her house. A terrible start to a story that only gets drastically worse from there. Basically, Katy made a deal with the local Catholic archdiocese to buy the property, but the nuns who used to live there said it was actually there’s to sell. So they made a different deal with restaurateur Dana Hollister for $15.5 million. Katy then tried to ingratiate herself to` these ladies of the cloth by paying them a visit where she, I kid you not, showed them her Jesus tattoo and sang “Oh Happy Day”…..I can’t say I blame the nuns for not warming to her after that. Besides, as they pointed out at the time, at no point did she even offer to match Hollister’s price for the property, so why should they stiff themselves a million bucks just because this pop star gave them a private performance. Anyway, they took this disagreement to court and that’s where I feel like something supernatural conspired to ruin Katy’s life. Because in 2018, Sister Catherine Rose Holzman literally dropped dead in court after pleading with her to stop pursuing the sale. CURSED. As Sister Rita Callanan put it, Katy’s got “blood on her hands.” And, in the end, after all of that, Katy never even got the convent!!!! The whole deal fell through. So every time terrible stuff like this happens to her, all I can think is, Sister Catherine, I see you!!!!

Now, in fellow pop star news, I was actually looking through Getty Images for a very different photo of Billie Eilish performing at the Olympics because I wished to remind you all that we must revoke Ralph Lauren’s lifetime uniform deal for those games. He is making every famous American look terrible on the world stage and I believe it’s because he has grown far too complacent in his capacity as the official fashion designer of the US of A. That man needs a serious fire lit under his ass. The kind that can only be stoked by facing competition for a lucrative government contract. Anyway. While looking for that image, I instead found this incredible use of Zoom background technology at the 2024 Kids’ Choice Awards where they turned Billie into a jellyfish to accept her award for “Favorite Song.” And it got me thinking, why aren’t we doing this for all award shows. I really don’t need these people to all physically show up in the same location if we can just project their faces onto various animals and inanimate objects instead. Who needs an Oscars host when we can get that lady who couldn’t figure out how to turn off the potato filter during a work meeting instead. Forget the Dolby Theater, pop these famous people into the Spongebob Squarepants metaverse and call it a day.

And wrapping up the musical corner of this newsletter, I just have to say that this outfit does in fact go crazy. Just not in a good way. Let me begin my analysis by graciously acknowledging that this is easily one of the better things Taylor has ever worn. Not that that’s a very high bar, but still. Credit to Vivienne Westwood where credit to Vivienne Westwood is due. However, my troubles began as soon as I made the connection that she is wearing a poet’s blouse in promotion of The Tortured Poets Department……..why can no outfit be Eater egg free. I want just one non-thematic ensemble. One true demonstration of good taste that is not also self-promotional in some capacity. Is this so much to ask for. AND THEN, I learned that the real reason this outfit is not terrible for once is because she and her stylist didn’t pick it!!!!!!! Her fans did. So the additional subliminal of the look is that she’s deep in the trenches of her internet standom and taking direct feedback on her attire. Which, I mean, listen. If crowdsourcing her outfits leads to them not sucking quite so hard, I’m all for it. Although, someone please remind the Swifties that you don’t have to wear the same designer from head to toe because I do think this look would be well served by a very different bag (and socks….and shoes…..but I digress). I also think that what everyone is actually so enamored with about this particular ensemble isn’t the clothing, but rather the fact that she got a good hair stylist and makeup artist working on her for once. That aspect is 10/10. How it has taken a billionaire this long to get a good glam team in place I cannot understand, but at least she seems to have finally been freed from the tyranny of those flaccid, little French braids she wouldn’t stop wearing all football season.

And I just have to share one final thought, which I’ve already expressed over on Twitter, but something about this outfit unlocked a great truth in my brain. And that truth is that Taylor and Blake Lively are to fashion as Drew Barrymore is to daytime talk shows. I don’t know how to explain it any better than that. I just feel that I have a finely attuned sixth sense for vibes and for matching them across genres and mediums, and these are all absolutely in lockstep with one another. It might also be the fact that I can 100% see Drew splashing this lesbian pride flag plaid across an entire home decor collection for Walmart. And I don’t want to hear a peep about it from any Gaylors out there.

Now it’s time to pivot to a brief discussion of Taylor’s mortal enemy and the one-time ultimate muse of this newsletter who has fallen off in truly spectacular fashion, Kim Kardashian. Because for as much as I’ve made fun of her chaps, Skims catsuits, and Balencaiga pantashoe uniform over the years, this is somehow infinitely worse than all of that. What would possess someone to dress exclusively in this spectrum of peanut butter diarrhea hues? And yes, I’m including her spray tan in that color palette. I find this entire concoction to be deeply strange. I would say that Dani has lost the plot, however, she’s never known it. But even by her metrics, this is nasty work. I also find the combination of suede and leather textures going on here to be deeply unsettling. This outfit is like the exact opposite of ASMR. It’s actually phobia inducing. And as I’ve warned Kim (and whoever in her orbit reads this email because I know you’re out there) many, many times before, second place is a VERY dangerous position for her to be in sartorially. This is someone who has built their fame predominately on being a trend leader, and a boundary pushing one at that, who is now getting pap’d months too late in a Miu Miu collection all of her peers have already been photographed in ten times over. Not to mention in the exact piece that Gigi Hadid just wore to a movie premiere like two weeks ago. How does that even happen to an A-lister of this caliber. At the very least, why did she not get this top in a different colorway! Like I said last week, I simply can’t conceive of how every single person around her can be this bad at their job.

Outfit aside, I also felt like the decision to drag her dog Sushi out of his enclosure in her garage in Calabasas and through the streets of NYC at this particular juncture in time was a very interesting and pointed one. Because we almost never see this dog, especially IRL, and yet on the same day that Kim was photographed using the pom as prop, Vogue also dropped all of those Dogue covers from which Sushi was noticeably absent. I actually thought it was weird that even Kendall’s doberman didn’t make the final cut. Maybe this is Anna subtly communicating that she’s turned her back on the family after Kim’s tardiness at the Victoria Beckham runway show threw her off her tight fashion week schedule. It seems the reality star has found herself in the proverbial dog house.

And the last thing I’ll say about the KarJenners today is simply I TOLD YOU SO. I’ve been arguing in this newsletter from day one that booing is absolutely devastating to these people’s monster egos and by far the greatest, most powerful weapon we can wield against them. I can’t even link to all of the times that I’ve said it, that is how adamant I am about this low-lift form of “eat the rich” protest. Do you remember that TikTok of those people heckling Jeff Bezos on his way to his car? Because I guarantee you that he does. What about when Elon Musk “spiraled” after being booed during his tragic attempt at doing stand up? Yes. A handful of people casually jeering caused the richest man on the planet to have a complete emotional breakdown for months on end (some might argue it’s still ongoing). Now, imagine if we actually got together and coordinated this mass mockery!!! Boo loudly, boo plentifully, folks. Bully the .01% in public every single chance you get. Just look at how the deployment of the word “weird” has sent the entire Republican party into a meltdown. A good shaming, when appropriately applied, will work absolute wonders to purge us of these utter losers!

Clearly, Gap took my feedback to heart in the aftermath of their Anne Hathaway ad during the Cannes Film Festival in which they revealed that customers could immediately purchase the exact same dress Anne was wearing on the Croisette. They could’ve just paid me instead to tell them that wasn’t a very interesting PR stunt, but I’m glad they found their way to Julia Fox eventually. The brand has now paid her to wear the exact same Zac Posen-designed dress and this doesn’t do a whole lot more to convince me to buy it, but it is moderately more interesting to look at. I don’t think the mis-buttoned buttons are quite the compelling styling hack they’re being presented as, but I appreciate the attempt at spicing up this plain silhouette with a ruffled flourish. And while the underwear-less flash of inner thigh-brow here appears to be accidental, it is also perfectly on brand for Fox who has long expressed a penchant for FUPA-grazing fashions. I really like the Amelia Earhart-esque skull cap and scarf combo, and I don’t even mind this hat that appears to be constructed out of duct tape. Although, I do think it would’ve been stronger without it. I’m honestly craving more of a synchronized swimmer’s floral swim cap situation with this dress, or maybe even an homage to the Spring 2008 Louis Vuitton nurses. As always, the rest of Julia’s accessory game remains abysmal. I enjoy the gimmick of it, but I still think she could find a better lucite bag than this one and could also think of far more interesting things to put inside it than just a big wad of fake cash. I thought she was finally starting to figure that out when she did the Velveeta spon con, but alas.

And then she followed up that Gap advertorial with this Oakley advertorial composed of a space alien ensemble that transitions beautifully from the intergalactic board room to a ball game on Jupiter. An outfit that is once again making me highly suspicious that someone in her life is a Mess reader…….First she zhuzhes her parka sleeves to the elbow over a tight long sleeve tee à la Bella Hadid, and now we get a revival of one of my favorite outfit combos she’s ever done — the jumbo basketball short with a knee-high boot. A combination I’ve spent the last few weeks repeatedly praising both in this newsletter and at the live show……that doesn’t seem like a coincidence to me. But since I clearly have her ear now, let me be the first to say that this is not working for me the way it did back in February 2023. For one, the boot’s pattern doesn’t jive with the short. And much as I complained about in Sloppy Seconds this week, her top half is not in conversation with her bottom. I know that Julia thinks her whole thing is power clashing, but there still needs to be some sort of holistic vision for the ensemble. And this does not have that. Also, I can’t explain it to you, but for some reason I feel this whole shirt situation would be massively improved if it was swapped out for one of those wetsuits with a tuxedo printed on it. Julia……call me.

Now, as simple and straightforward as this La Perla cocktail dress may look upon first glance, my mind is absolutely boggled as to how it is functioning practically. What is going on here. How are the modesty panels operating. Are there even any modesty panels at all??? Is this finally the long-awaited arrival of the A-list Emperor’s New Clothes moment Mess hath prophesied??? Because in true creep fashion, I have zoomed in on this garment from every angle that Getty Images will allow and I do not see a hint of shapewear nor lining anywhere keeping Halle’s vagina from making its star turn. I initially assumed that the whole built-in brief here would be lined in a subtle flesh-tone fabric, but then I realized I can still see her belly button and entire butt crack. So, my only conjecture is that she either has on one of those adhesive thongs that’s keeping her all taped up under there or she is relying exclusively on a singular piece of strategically-placed lace appliqué to keep her outfit from going XXX. Very wild stuff! And yet, still not wild enough for anyone to actually notice or care as I have not seen a single person on social media discussing this outfit. Proof of the unbelievably long way we’ve come as a society in the last 20 years from Halle scandalizing all of America by wearing a gown with a sheer bodice to collect her Best Actress Oscar to her showing up somewhere fully nude being a total snoozefest.

On the topic of underwear, or the lack thereof, this is very minor but I was happy to see a touch of exposed thong innovation out there this week courtesy of Ciara’s promo for her new song. Well, innovation isn’t quite the right word as I’ve been praising the nameplate G-string concept since Bella Thorne launched her own line of thong jewelry at the beginning of last year, but I’m happy to see it catching on more broadly now. Much as I said this week when discussing Julia’s maxi skirt composed of sagged boxer waistbands, I feel there’s still much to the visible underwear trend that has yet to be explored. I know famous folks have already moved on to putting their intergluteal clefts on full display, but I think we should revisit the many materials we could be fashioning thongs out of. We don’t all have to go full Halle Berry just yet!

And let’s finish things out here today with a quick check-in on the state of men’s fashion in Hollywood. I saw two intriguing tops out there this week that I thought might be worth lingering on for a moment. First of all, Wiz Khalifa went roller skating in the Rick Owens JLo scoop neck special and I love to see it. I can’t remember who it was, but there was another young thespian who wore a similar wrestler singlet-inspired top on a red carpet recently and, like I said back then, I think there’s something very compelling about this silhouette. I’m sure many gentlemen are wary of dipping their necklines quite this low after living through the horror that was the American Apparel deep-V tee. But I promise, this cleavage is different. And, in this case, I also think the more Richard Simmons the fit is the better.

Emily in Paris star Paul Forman also caught my eye this week as he’s clearly taking a page from the Timmy Chalamet red carpet playbook by pairing his suit with a sheer lace top. But what really struck me about this combo is this little lace doily detailing peeking out of the cuff. Now, that’s fun! Men should be investigating how to incorporate more dramatic wrist flourishes into their formalwear. The 1500s were really on to something with those ruffs.

Ok, that’s all I’ve got in the tank for today. Love y’all! See you next week!

TL:DR:

• Labor Day may be just around the corner, but this summer of fun doesn’t have to end there. Become a paid subscriber to this newsletter and we can keep this party going all year long.

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Bon appétit, mes amis crustacés!