Greetings and salutations, my friends!
I’ve spent the week much like Kyle MacLachlan above, immersed in nature with a glass of vino in hand while visiting my friend and her husband on the gorgeous Jersey Shore. I dipped my toes in the ocean, battled against the extreme humidity as my hair slowly transformed into one giant pompom of frizzy curls, and perused many a surf shop which immediately transported me back to my pre-teendom when the brand Roxy and it’s California surfer girl aesthetic absolutely dominated my definition of cool.
I also played a rousing game of miniature golf which is something I haven’t done in probably two decades. Not to brag, but it turns out I’m a bit of a natural as long as no 8-year-olds are breathing down my neck watching my every putt. Best of all, on the final bonus hole both my friend and I won a chance to spin the prize wheel and got free ice cream bars! Feeling lucky, we then hit up the course’s attached arcade where we Skee-Balled and Pop-A-Shot’d to exhaustion and were humbled once again by those same 8-year-old’s pro-gaming abilities. In other words, a peak Jersey Shore experience was had by all.
And on our last night there, we played a board game I’ve never heard of before called Hues and Cues that I highly recommend, although it will push both your eyes and lexicon to the absolute limit. I would suggest playing it in the most brightly lit room you can possibly construct because, as you will quickly discover, your understanding of the subtle differentiation between color swatches is not as sharp as you think it is, and that goes likewise for your color-related vocabulary.
As the game progressed and the wine continued to flow, we also engaged in the most beloved pastime of aging millennials and gen-xers everywhere — playing each other our favorite music videos on YouTube. It was a long circuitous route from Audrey Hobert to The Streets, but it ultimately led us straight to the Prince of Darkness (RIP). That’s right, we watched an hour straight of old clips of Ozzy Osbourne shuffling around live in concert while laughing our asses off. He just has the biggest, goofiest grin the entire time he’s singing. Seeing him perform on stage is like seeing a little boy’s face light up on Christmas morning. The outfits are also incredible. And I am genuinely going to take a photo of young Ozzy to my next haircut appointment as that man had some of the most phenomenal blunt layers I’ve ever seen.
Anyway, now those pals I was visiting in Jersey are here in NYC bopping around town with me in turn and together we are gobbling up all the best vegan eats the city has to offer. And due to all this galavanting, I haven’t been trolling the internet quite to the usual depths I’m accustomed to. So I have only a smattering of light fare I’d like to share with you here today, but I think it will be just enough to temporarily satisfy your bottomless need for Mess.
Besides, you’ll be hearing from me plenty next week as not only do we have the inaugural
zoom meeting, but I will also be going live for paid subscribers prior to book club on that Monday at 6pm est and then AGAIN on Friday at 3pm est at the behest of Substack to talk with about the new Taylor Swift album in our typical fashion 😈Ook, folks! As those guys on the subway say, it’s showtime!
Today’s title is, of course, simply a description of the horrible fate that befell Simon Cowell this week and then in turn befell us all. I cannot imagine a person more ill-suited for such an environment as the Spirit Tunnel than the legendarily caustic American Idol judge, and that fact is palpable in this clip. Incredible stuff and I’m delighted to see Simon is of the Nicole Kidman school of creative hand clapping.
The Backgrid Bulletin
Anyway, I’d like to begin today with an earnest question: How much does Backgrid get paid to post an image like this? And why do they not have to legally disclose it as a Coach ad? Is it because the brand doesn’t pay them directly to take these spon con images, they just call them to set up the shoot? Is Backgrid only making money off the licensing of the photos? And how does it benefit a publication to publish an image like this and give Coach free advertising on their website that the brand would otherwise have to pay for? I’m just always obsessed with the contractual ins and outs of staged advertorials like this.
What makes this particular one even more fabulous to me is that Backgrid went with the title “Bella Hadid Transforms Paris Stroll Into A Fashion Moment While Working On Mystery Project” lol. Mystery! Meanwhile, every image in this slideshow prominently features a huge Coach C facing direct to camera. Ok! Anyway, the best part of this whole series is obviously the corded headphones dangling out of Bella’s pocket.
And on a semi-related note, I don’t want to spread any spurious gossip and say that Backgrid purchased its Instagram followers, but all I’m saying is that the engagement to following ratio over there is not adding up for me personally……
A Classic Martha Bon Mot
I read the full context for this quote and Martha was absolutely attempting to deliver a genuine compliment to the couple, but I am obsessed with how she can’t help but be the queen of bitchy one-liners even when her intention is quite the opposite.
But also, YES! Taylor does have Travis! As I said the other week, the Daily Mail’s report that he is a groom-zilla wielding a Pinterest board with an iron fist rings perfectly true to my ears, and I love that for him. Now stop trying to sell me shit and launch a mid-range steak house franchise and focus on your nuptials, buddy!
Ways of Seeing
My deepest apologies, but I must report that we have once again been blessed/cursed with a canonical piece of paparazzi high art. Another meta dystopian commentary on modernity courtesy of the Kardashians, hot on the heels of their last masterpiece — that Bezos wedding mise-en-abyme selfie shot we talked about a couple months ago. I’ve been thinking a lot about this odd, deeply Yeezy-inspired — by which I mean Vanessa Beecroft-inspired — performance of athletic attire on the steps of the New York Public Library. Especially because, as Amy Odell pointed out, this gross capitalist display from a MAGA billionaire is all taking place in front of a public institution currently under attack in this country.
But commentary on our national state of collapse aside, there’s just something so compelling to me about this particular image of these three uncannily ageless women, all dressed alike, all living their life as mediated through these tiny screens while being mediated through the screen of the paparazzi and the camera crew that is almost certainly just out of frame. I think there’s something very Ways of Seeing about everything going on here, as Berger said “Men dream of women. Women dream of themselves being dreamt of.” The Kardashians can only conceive of themselves in terms of how they’re being consumed. The most photographed women on earth can only truly experience their life through the performance of it on screen.
I talk a lot more about this whole scene on the podcast next week but, in regards to the actual clothes, I am always amazed by Kim’s ability to take every designer and mega corporation she encounters and flatten them into yet another extension of herself. Nike is simply the latest Americana symbol to be subsumed by her brand. Nike is Balenciaga is Yeezy is Skims. Also, I just feel like Adam Selman already did the thong legging thing and did it better.
A Palette Cleanser
Now this is what I’m talking about. This is the Demna-era rollout at Gucci I was expecting to see. I like the way this dress riffs off his work at Balenciaga and I love the way it makes Dakota Johnson’s nudity feel a little bit strange again. The semi-sheerness of this lace almost gives the impression of a body seen through the mist, while the drop waist creates a sort of floating torso illusion. But the garment strikes a nice balance between the weird and the sexy thanks to the ultra low-rise full skirt that leaves everything just north of the vulva totally exposed. I love!
Defying Gravity
Tyra was the guest judge on Project Runway this week where the dress code was “Wicked avant-garde,” and while I concede that this Bishme Cromartie suit is very much that, does it not also look like her blazer is possessed by an evil spirit making it’s last desperate bid at escape? This poltergeist has had ENOUGH of Tyra’s smizing lessons.
Yodel-Lay-Hee-Hoo
And finally, I must inflict upon you an image that was inflicted upon me this week. It’s honestly hard for me to even know where to begin, I feel dumbstruck by each and every choice that’s been made here. The only words that really come to mind are: Devastatingly lame.
The one, microscopic caveat I will give Drake is that this was an ensemble destined for Oktoberfest. Not that I think that excuses it in the slightest, but just to elucidate the thought process behind being seen out and about in these Chanel lederhosen. It feels like this garment only serves to put a spotlight on and underscore five times in red ink just how utterly swag-less this man is. Just incase that wasn’t already abundantly clear from the way he intentionally placed his chain atop the overall’s bib before taking this photo.
Ok well, after delivering you that difficult sartorial blow, It’s time for me to go. I’ve got to rest up so I can be fresh and ready to yap with you nonstop on live all next week. Until then, my sleeping beauties!
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You MUST get the Ozzy haircut!!