Greetings, Messketeers!
You’ve caught me in the midst of what might quite possibly be the best week of my life thus far (earthquake aside, of course)??? It has been one piece of good news after the next, one fun offer followed by another. Everything’s coming up roses, as Ethel Merman once said, and I remain suspicious, yet cautiously optimistic! I hope things are going just as swimmingly for you as well.
As I already spoke about at length with my poor, dear, paid subs, I got fake nails for the first time in my life this week simply to check the experience off my bucket list and they are full-on talons. In a truly rookie mistake, I accidentally got them a little too long and have spent every day since on a steep learning curve to reestablish basic functionality. I have adapted very quickly though, and while they do make me feel a little bit like I’m in drag and Fran causes me great pain via a nail mishap at least once a day, I have kind of grown to love them. They are absolutely fantastic for pointing at things and I have now developed a fun, new mannerism of wagging my finger no.
I also went to a super cute ceramic painting class at the store forecast in Greenpoint in the midst of that torrential downpour on Wednesday and it was a really good time. I would definitely recommend checking out their future events if you get a chance. I drew a pretty damn good hot dog on a chalice and came to realize that despite not loving the food itself, a good, old-fashioned dog has somehow become my life’s muse? Something anyone who has known me since my Rude Collective days probably could’ve told you.
After discussing the age gap essay last week, we’ve once again been blessed with an embarrassment of riches in the hate read department. This week thanks to
which has been keeping much of my Twitter feed steadily raging from dawn until dusk. I feel like the internet is really at its best when we have a common, low-stakes enemy to direct all our vitriol at, so shout out to Delia for successfully giving us something to collectively fume over! The two essays I saw cited most often given my social media demo were the “I hate menswear” dude and the “I hate media parties” gal. I feel like the former just needs to expand his concept of men’s clothing beyond an episode of Throwing Fits, and the latter just wants to attend an actual party not a room filled with their professional peers. But I’ve also never aspired to attending a New York Media gathering so perhaps there’s something I’m missing. I actually think the closest I’ve ever come to even being at one was when my friend’s sister was interning at The Paris Review circa 2015 so I went to an issue launch party at their offices with her, spoke to no one, and yet the overall vibe was in fact quite bad. I also remember the actor Alex Karpovsky was there at the height of his Girls fame and people were treating him VERY strangely. Strange to the point that I felt bad for him and if a party is making me feel bad for Alex Karpovsky in 2015 you know the thing’s a flop. But then again, stop expecting a room full of bookish nerds to know how to rage!Not a hate read (hopefully), but my story for The Cut also came out this week about the fact that crack is back on the red carpet, which given that you’re a reader of this newsletter is something you already know all too well. A trend which Who? Weekly bravely proclaimed on their Insta Stories they were the first to identify while re-sharing my story despite the fact that I fully foretold this look’s arrival in these pages at the end of last year, but ok!!! Regardless, the general public are not having it! They are disgusted by the intergluteal cleft reveal! To which I say, open your minds to Mess, sheeple! The bumster is here whether you like it or not, and you best enjoy the relative modesty of a hint of crack while you’ve still got it because something tells me the exposed labia is still coming down the trend pipeline! (More on that below.)
Paid subs were treated to a roundup of some recommendations of things I saw/ate/heard/purchased in the month of March and enjoyed. So if you’ve ever wondered what weird little soda I’m drinking as a post-workout bribe, go on and sign up for that. And, as I wrote on Notes, since sending out that newsletter I’ve generated a $2 profit from my affiliate links which means I’m officially, technically, an influencer now. You’ve been warned! Don’t be surprised when I start taking all of my #OOTDs on that cobble stone street in Dumbo in front of the Brooklyn Bridge!
And finally, given the remarkable week I just had, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention that if you are interested in supporting this newsletter at a higher level than $5 a month, I am fully open to it! Shoot me an email!
But right now it’s time for us all to have a little looky-loo.
To begin with, we have a new victor in the double corduroy naming wars! The Teddy
Tuxedo it is! Tell all your friends!!!
A reader flagged that Taylor Lorenz was invited to the Pornhub Awards and now I need to know how I am not being invited to attend red carpets such as this one. The fashion coverage I could have done here!!! Clearly, my reputation does not proceed me enough because every outfit I saw at this event was the definition of up my alley and Julia Fox’s was the absolute least of it. It was the AVN Awards all over again. The way these girls are consistently blazing the path forward for mainstream celebrity fashion is remarkable. I must infiltrate their ranks and find out all their sartorial secrets so that I can report them back to you all. Let me in!!!!!
Anyway, clearly Jen heard all of us laughing at her bodega order and is now punishing us by returning to the block with a vengeance. Well, a block, at least. This one just happens to be in the city’s most affluent neighborhood versus its least. And if The Bronx was confused by her ham and cheese on a roll with an orange drink and a small bag of chips, the Upper East Side is going to be utterly befuddled. This new real estate acquisition also got me wondering, exactly how much money do these people really have? Like I know they’re rich rich, but if your personal net worth can withstand buying a $60 million mansion and then sinking another $20 million (minimum) into an absolute flop of a film/album/tour with no return on that investment all within the last year, only to come out the other side buying some preposterous brownstone on the UES, the answer is obviously wayyy too much money. Of course, the secret to both these people’s fortunes, and most celebrities these days to be honest, is not their careers, but their multi-million dollar real estate portfolios. Please recall the property buying spree JLo and Arod went on together prior to their breakup. That’s also why I always thought it was funny when people were talking about Ellen DeGeneres getting “cancelled” because it was like oh no, not them taking away her show! Now she’ll have to rely on her fallback career of flipping mega-mansions and selling them back to her famous friends! Whatever shall she do!!! Likewise, JLo is about to buy every bodega in Manhattan just to spite us.
On a much more pleasant note, I have suddenly, shockingly, found myself to be an Anya Taylor-Joy fan. I have literally never thought twice about this woman, but after she shared some images of her low-key nuptials this week, she has instantly become a new personal fav for this choice in wedding cake alone. It is so rock and roll to eat anatomical heart cakes oozing chocolate blood as newlyweds. Very goth Ozzy Osbourne behavior with just a dash of Spirit Halloween employee. It does confuse me though why absolutely no other element of this wedding matched this energy. I can’t say for sure, but I’m going to go ahead and blame Maria Grazia Chiuri for that. Now just imagine if Anya was a Gucci girl — or, I guess, Valentino now — instead of Dior. I feel like Alessandro Michele would’ve had an absolute field day with this!
When I tell you that my sixth sense for Mess is unparalleled…..my eye is finely attuned to spotting where the next fashion disaster will occur long before it ever materializes. Thus explaining why my obsession with Jojo Siwa and her utter failure to rebrand as 18+ rages on because what in the hell is this. As I pointed out the other week, she is just continuing to do exactly what she did as a children’s entertainer but in black instead of rainbow. And much like the knockoff “Toxic” catsuit that she definitely thinks is sooo transgressive because there’s some mesh-paneled cutouts that show skin, she also definitely thinks this half-hearted Gene Simmons costume is super racy despite the fact that it looks like she just stepped off the stage at a Batman-themed Cirque du Soleil. But all of that aside, what I actually don’t understand about this is why the makeup is executed so poorly. Like if you’re going to do it, commit to the bit all the way and give us flawless glam rock! Although, I think if she wants anyone to actually take this reinvention remotely seriously she needs to ditch these sorts of gimmicks entirely and, unfortunately, that’s all she really has to work with.
But given that’s the case, I also don’t understand why she and her team are so bad at executing the gimmicks!!! I feel the same way about Camila Cabello’s team and their attempt at a hyperpop reinvention, but at least in that case they’re making slightly more interesting, modern, edgy references. Well, if you consider Harmony Korine’s 2013 Spring Breakers to be modern. Jojo, on the other hand, is out here trying to recreate the virality of that photo of Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson moving a sex bench into their shared home while completely failing to understand what made those images viral to begin with. As I tweeted above, she did this obviously highly-staged paparazzi photoshoot outside of a sex shop to prove how grown up and rebellious she is only to leave carrying a giant penis plushie……not exactly the XXX rebrand we’re looking for. Although the arm-length receipt strategically facing towards the camera is a comical addition. But like, is it really that hard to walk around carrying a strap? I think not. People keep comparing this to Miley Cyrus’s Bangerz makeover and I think that’s such a rude attempt to rewrite pop history because what Miley did genuinely horrified people at the time. Her sticking out her tongue alone sent shockwaves through the community! This, on the other hand, hasn’t even made a ripple. Although, the TikTok jokes it has inspired have been a pure delight. I want to believe that all of this is intentionally cringe and Jojo’s just capitalizing off the corniness, but the way she talks about this new chapter is so sincere I’m afraid all of it is totally genuine and she really does believe that people are “just afraid of things they don't know.” The last thing I’ll say about this (for now) is that the very, very least Jojo could do to make us believe that she’s taking this whole rebrand seriously is rewrap her entire Lambo in images of herself in her new Kiss drag instead of just replacing a singular panel across the bumper and leaving the rest covered in the Kidz Bop rainbow version of herself. Although, if she really wants to prove she’s an adult celeb now, she would be wise to follow Justin Bieber’s directive and just “burn it.” Ideally, in front of a billboard for her new single after making a call to one of her paparazzi pals. See! It’s not that hard!!!!!!
Jojo also stands absolutely no chance in the bad girl pop princess wars considering her direct competition in the category is Addison Rae. Someone who is just three years older and yet feels lightyears more grown up. Addison also once again proved my theory that she is studying the sacred scrolls of Tumblr in pursuit of her indie sleaze aesthetic, pulling out these classically aughts spiked Louboutins. You love to see it. Well, I don’t in fact love to see it as they are ugly, but I too thought these shoes were the height of chic in 2007 and so my opinion on them has been rendered moot. She also reposted the photo on the left which I think she originally posted like two years ago, but it fits nicely with her millennium revival as it’s both a throwback to the celeb slogan tee attitude of that era as well as those Henry Holland t-shirts everyone used to wear that I can’t believe have yet to make any sort of comeback.
Speaking of things that are not making a comeback, it feels like Katy Perry woke up on January 1, 2024 and decided that she wanted to be a pop star again, instead of just a reality show judge and friend of Jeff Bezos, and is now doing a speed run through every scandalous trend from 2023. Unfortunately, for her, this is already pretty well-trod outrage territory and so it is really not moving the needle the way she probably thought it would. Although I do think she was closer to hitting the mark with the butt crack skirt and scarification butterfly tramp stamp from last month. Even so, this was a valiant attempt, creating a sort of coquette punk boudoir bricolage. This faltering fashion comeback is also why I thought it was pretty amusing that some “journalist” claimed that the “downfall” of her career was orchestrated………I’m sorry, what downfall? This woman dominated pop charts for years and years and is still living off the success of those songs. She just wrapped a Las Vegas residency for fuck’s sake. How is any aspect of that failure!!! Being a pop star is inherently a fleeting career. It is designed for the hot, young, and outrageously attired. It is not normal to be a Beyoncé or a Madonna, or even a Miley! They are exceptions, not the rule. The fact that Katy cannot count herself amongst that group I’m sure makes her furious, but she has actually had an extremely normal career as a successful musical artist, especially the part where she is not dominating pop culture at 40. And especially as one who has proven incapable of reinventing herself. It’s ok to pivot and just live off the American Idol rerun royalties and bad shoe designs for the rest of your life. Or, if the need to make music really is that dire, just pull a JLo and self-fund an album/tour no one is really interested in. This feeling of entitlement to our eternally undivided attention is weird! Give us a reason to pay attention again!
Another pop star who suddenly emerged out of left field this week ready to seriously vie for the spotlight is Jessie J. I mean, she’s spent at least the last decade floating around the periphery of that spotlight, but this outfit made me feel like she may actually be coming to play for real in 2024. As I’ve said before, with the thrill of sheer dresses now exhausted, I think we’re going to keep seeing a lot of layering of meshes and see-through apparel. But even so, this felt particularly naked and underwear-less in a surprising way (and that’s a good thing for a pop star!). I also maintain that face-obscuring masks are so cool, under-utilized, and perhaps the last bastion of bondage gear that sill possesses any thrill. Although, they are a trick best deployed by the A-list uber famous who we would recognize even without their visage visible (hence my deep, abiding love of Kim K’s tragically short-lived Balenciaga S&M era), but this is still fun nonetheless. I’ve said it before, but one of the greatest tragedies in fashion is that those crystalized Margiela couture headpieces are tainted by that man because just imagine the fits these girls could be anonymously getting off!
But while the pop girlies above may be struggling to regain their footing, Cardi B is here to prove why she remains one of the top divas in the fashion game. Once again pushing the limits of public indecency in bird pasties and a sheer thong with only the whisper of a modesty panel. As I said up top, the labia cometh!!!! But on a serious note, I don’t know who shot this but it has big David LaChapelle energy and I love the durag as holy veil. And I actually love it even more now that Cardi shared BTS of this photo shoot revealing that the birds holding up the headpiece are actually a practical effect, not photoshop. Amazing! More of that please! I do kind of wish the nails were gilded or Marian blue just to complete the saintly effect, but now I’m just nitpicking because this was really very well done.
Meanwhile, on the extremely poorly done end of the spectrum, we once again have Kim Kardashian doing the same old unmarked ads as always, posting this dated picket-crossing content her stylist already posted a month ago. This time just with the Starbucks logo very conspicuously in frame. Again, why Starbucks thinks this is the celebrity spokesperson that’s going to help them win back the customers they lost to the boycott beats me, but here we are. Also, where is the FTC? Have they just given up entirely on the war against unmarked spon con? This family’s constant stream of Alo Yoga posts tells me the answer is yes. Anyway, another day, another baby tee and flared leather pants combo to lull you to sleep. And much like Kim’s fake Donald Judd tables, this car is most definitely not the flex she believes it to be. For one, it’s incredibly ugly. And personally, I would not be driving anywhere in anything made by Tesla after that billionaire lady slow-motion drowned in hers. But best of luck to Kim in all her future automobile endeavors. I respect her commitment to showing class solidarity with the absolute biggest billionaire losers.
On the flip side, Julia Fox’s spon con has never been better. She helped Velveeta launch their new hair dye on April Fool’s which the brand insists is a very real product despite the date. In which case, I don’t know why this news couldn’t have waited until April 2, but ok. Regardless, I actually love this color, it’s very Gaga in her “Telephone” era. The Vaquera set also looks great. The underwear as pants is very on trend and I’m surprised we haven’t seen more of the conspicuous crotch zipper before now. I’d like the faux fur to be a touch less scraggily, but the Velveeta cheese box inside the lucite bag is a beautiful touch, especially considering we all know how much Julia struggles with getting her accessories and footwear just right. I don’t love the big Marilyn pin curls, but I suppose they do give a sort of shells in cheese sauce effect, so I’ll let is slide this time.
And if it wasn’t already clear from the above, the final thought I want to leave you with here today is that brands have fully lost their minds. Marketing has jumped the shark. Because who approved this sit down conversation between the BIC pen mascot and Ariana Madix, let alone the decision to bring this creepy illustrated character to life in any capacity. Am I the only one brave enough to say that the BIC Boy has a sinister aura?! Why does his head look like a giant black eyeball? And why in the world are his kneecaps like that?? Congratulations BIC, I just went from feeling completely neutral about your company to becoming your active enemy.
Ok, well now that I’ve made you as uncomfortable as Kate Moss doing karaoke while sitting on Simon Cowell’s lap, it’s time for me to get out of here. But before I do, let me say, I hope you have a great rest of the week and make sure to pick up a paid subscription on your way out the door.
Sayonara, suckers!
Let’s wrap this up already:
The time has finally come for you to embark on the enlightened path of becoming a paid subscriber. Sign up and instantly acquire more zene!
For those in your life on their own spiritual journey, you can always bestow upon them a gift subscription to this email. Or, if they’re still dabbling in the kiddie pool of fashion mysticism, give them the gift of a guru on this stylish journey by signing them up for a free subscription.
If you’ve already given away your last $5 to awaken your root chakra, you can always join the Mess DISCORD for free where 700+ Messketeers would be happy to aid in your spiritual tune-up.
And indoctrination into the religious experience that is Mess requires a new uniform to go with it, so make sure to swing by the MESS MERCH store and pick something up.
As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more, just ask me about getting a comped subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion or bail fund, your next month of Mess is on me.
Now, git along, lil doggies!