Release the Victoria Beckham tapes!!!
Now, is our time, Messketeers.
Hi hi hi,
I’m back, Messketeers! The flu fog has dissipated and I am almost feeling back to normal again. At least, normal enough to yap at you about some fresh pop culture hell that transpired this week which is really all that matters.
I have been in true convalescent mode, doing absolutely nothing but draping myself across various plush household surfaces and making short jaunts to various bodegas for health-bolstering supplies. I did, however, get around to doing a million loads of laundry and getting the apartment back in tip-top shape (vacuumed and mopped) which after being sick for a week feels like a momentous accomplishment and one I credit with starting to get my brain back in order again.
That and, as I previously said, the fantastic week in celebrity gossip we’ve been having that has put a renewed pep in my step. Although, I regret to inform you, with all this excellent breaking news, there have been almost no outfits worth speaking of. But as is my wont, even though it’s not quite up to my usual Mess snuff, I‘ve cobbled together a small handful of items we must discuss today anyway.
First, I would like to offer you a fantastic piece of intel from one of your fellow Messketeers regarding that PeeWee Herman bike I was so jealous of the other week. It turns out, I need not be jealous at all as low-key Kim purchased a fake!!! According to this reader, there’s actually a bunch of these bikes that were used in the production of the movie, but the real stunt bike is currently on display at The Alamo where you can take pictures with it. So Kim bought Kourtney one of the other replicas and you already know for sure wildly overpaid for it. And much as with Jeff and the $30 million hippopotamus bar, I love that for her and it is just what she deserves. And speaking of Kim, she’s also backpedalling hard now on the whole elephant Birkin debacle as though she is not the person who needlessly alerted us to the fact it was elephant hide to begin with. Don’t be fooled by this press junket, she’s trying to cut it both ways and still no one cares.
Likewise, a quick reminder that Dolce & Gabbana is intentionally ragebaiting you. Do not fall for it, beloveds. That’s the only way they know how to get attention because they certainly can’t get it from their clothing designs anymore. In the year 2026, we must stop being surprised that they cast 100% white men in their runway show. They are bigots. They have always been bigots!!! And all the people and celebrities calling them out this week are just going to start wearing them again in two years when everybody forgets about it and the brand offers them a large enough check to do so. Lest we forget how quickly Karla Welch changed her tune. This is the toxic D&G cycle. Call me when y’all are actually ready to cancel these goobers.
As if all of that wasn’t already enough delicious slop for us to gobble down, we also got the Beckham family drama we’ll discuss more in depth below, the Glambot diva-off as I mentioned on Wednesday, and now also this Blake Lively text message treasure trove where every single person involved is coming across HORRIBLY. It’s actually incredible. If you haven’t read through them yet, I highly recommend taking this long snow day weekend to do so because they’re a bonafide treat and I now have a million more questions that need answers. Like what is the other Blake Lively movie Taylor Swift saved from the trash heap?? It’s gotta be Another Simple Favor, right? Also, the email she sent to Ben Affleck, especially considering their rumored past, was absolutely wild. Let alone Ryan’s email to Matt Damon?? And now we also have these absolutely brutal emails between movie executives talking about Blake and the situation thanks to People. I could genuinely dine out on this info dump for years to come. I also presume at some point we’re going to get Justin Baldoni’s texts as well?? Wowowow.
Now just a quick Mess PSA to say that paid subs are going to be treated to a smorgasbord of incredible content in the weeks to come, including a private livestream with yours truly on Monday at 5pm EST where we can hash out the details on all of the above. I’m also going to do a close reading of Tyra Banks’s Smize Instagram magazine because it’s bizarre and incredible and we need to talk about it. And then I was just joking around on Notes, but I realized I do have all of these screenshots of various celebs liking shading stuff on my Mess Worldwide Instagram account, as well as proof of them following the account in general. Is that something you guys might be interested to get a gander at behind the paywall? There’s some pretty funny and surprising names in there imo…
Ok then, let’s talk goss!!!
I hope you’ve all enjoyed being the foremost authorities on all Beckham-Peltz lore amongst your friends this week as all the normal non Mess-readers scramble to figure out who the hell Brooklyn is and what in the world is going on here. Of course, Messketeers have known for a full calendar year now that there’s a rift in the family, an unfollowing on social media, and rumors of a relationship breakdown over a Marc Anthony wedding compliment to Victoria that Brooklyn has now confirmed did in fact happen, adding the harrowing detail of an inappropriate mommy-son dance as the cherry on top of this family feud sundae. And you know someone has the footage of that dance and the world demands that it be released posthaste!!! Although, his wedding DJ claims it wasn’t the dancing that was inappropriate, so much as the timing of it as it was meant to be Brooklyn and Nicola’s first dance that was stolen by his mother.
Also, I feel like even without the video we all know exactly what we would see on that tape because after this “shock” reveal I think it’s never been clearer that Victoria is a #boymom through and through. But that’s not to say she’s entirely to blame here as there are no real heroes in this story because Nicola is also very much a diva in her own right who doesn’t exactly have a pristine record of behavior, especially when it comes to nannies, not to mention her multi-billion-dollar fortune comes from her MAGA dad who is literally one of the biggest bankrollers of the Trump presidency.
Following Brooklyn’s Instagram Story confession, from the Beckham camp, we’re now hearing his parents are actually just worried about the prenup Brooklyn signed as he’ll be left destitute! As though their personal $600 million fortune couldn’t possibly serve as an adequate safety net for him. And Alana Hadid, sister of Nicola’s ex Anwar, has chimed in, commenting on Instagram, “that girl doesn’t want privacy she’s been trying to be famous for a decade.” Which like…..well, yes, of course. But I don’t inherently see that as a negative! If anything, I would think Victoria would respect that striving, fame hustler quality and help her cook up better, savvier ways to make it happen for her. If only to make her son more famous and successful by association! He does get 50% of whatever they make as a couple in the divorce after all!
As this couple is clearly a pet project of mine, I will continue to monitor this situation as it unfolds and report directly back to you all. Who knew YEARS of tracking the most boring duo on planet earth in this email would pay off and pay off HUGELY. That’s the I <3 Mess long con, baby!!!
Nepo Knockoffs
On the topic of nepo babies, we must now check in on Jaden Smith who debuted his Christian Louboutin collection via a fittingly hoity-toity faux museum exhibit this week. The pieces were a mishmash of stolen ideas from designers like Alyx Studio — as seen in the harness Jaden is wearing above — Rick Owens, MSCHF, and Off-White with a splash of CDG. And if you’re going to steal designs so flagrantly, I feel like the very least you can do is come up with some compelling, fantastical narrative about your creative process to distract me from that fact, which as you can see he was not able to muster up either. That said, tragically, I do feel like the hypebeast, context-less youths are going to snap up all of this stuff without batting an eye. And I did appreciate this leather puffer he designed for his mother Jada as it is a total Yeezy x Gap knockoff and the pool noodle neckline also perfectly fulfills my balloon fashion trend forecast.
A Ruff Year Ahead
Elsewhere at Paris men’s fashion week, I just find it to be a little bit RUDE that after everything I’ve done in this newsletter in promotion of the ruff these past few months, I did not even receive the above collar from Dior. How dare they overlook America’s foremost shirt flounce enthusiast!!! But even so, I do appreciate this validation from a legacy couture brand that fanciful neck accoutrements are in fact happening.
A Double-Header
In further updates on things I speculated were coming for the celebrity wardrobe in 2026, it appears that weird shoulder stuff remains the new red carpet staple du jour and has even trickled down to our typically more sartorially measured starlets. Even Sarah Michelle Gellar is getting in on the trendy silhouette with this Chung Thanh Phong dress with an asymmetrical shoulder protrusion that’s almost the size of her head. I really enjoy how off-kilter it makes everything and it’s giving a real Bette and Dot Tattler vibe. Finally, a good use for that wax head Jared Leto’s been toting around.
News You Can Use
Now, I know it’s been an enormous week for celeb gossip, which is why I fear there are some crucial tabloid headlines out there that are getting overlooked that I need to quickly draw your attention to. The first being that Orlando Bloom led a conga line of power gays at his 49th birthday party and I just think that sounds really, really fabulous and I’m mad I wasn’t there to partake. Crazy to think of the butterfly effect at play here. If Katy Perry had never launched herself into the upper stratosphere, Orlando would never have gotten to conga solo with his gays!
The second being that Jennifer Lopez was photographed by Backgrid giving money to a homeless man and I’m not saying the whole thing was staged but…….it’s an interesting moment for a paparazzo to be there at an INTERESTING moment in JLo’s public reputation. But either way, I’m glad this gentleman got some cash out of the situation.
And most importantly, Countess Luann’s daughter has now pivoted from painter par excellence to a psychic medium and healer who definitely, totally removed a ghost from her mom’s property. And all I have to say about that is get these two a paranormal investigator show on Discovery+ PRONTO. If Victoria’s mediumship doesn’t work to exorcise that home, Luann’s sultry baritone surely will!!
Love in a Hopeless Place
Something else I fear is being lost in the shuffle is the fact that Bryan Johnson is in love!!! Yes, even a bubble boy isn’t immune to the siren song of Eros. And as with pretty much everything I’ve ever learned about him, boy, do I wish he had kept this to himself. Read at your own peril, my friends! But also, if you are an actor looking for a standout audition monologue, look no further. Reading this, I can’t help but get the distinct impression that what Bryan really loves isn’t this woman, but rather the enormous health benefits the feeling of love may provide….very sinister stuff at play here. I can’t wait to see what these two crazy kids get up to for Valentine’s Day!
I now release you unto your frost-bitten weekends with the dulcet sounds of Bianca Censori’s handpan soundtracking your travels. I hope you’ve enjoyed this brief and deeply random edition of the newsletter, and I’ll see you back here next week either on the livestream or for a classically tragic Friday fashion roundup. TTYL! <3
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Bryan Johnston’s ode to his paramour reads like the internal monologue of a serial killer.
Unrelated to this post, but I have to let you know about a very mess-coded pair of undies that has been released by Hara the label - they are called "Real Bush G String" and have a slit for pubes to poke out.