Pusha T's definitive ranking of amphibians

BRB I'm poppin' my shit at Chili's.

Guten tag.

Hello and a very cursed Friday the 13th to you and yours!

I hope you’re all doing ok and are taking care of yourselves. What an absolutely incredible week it’s been for celebrities self-owning by reposting the dumbest possible Instagram copy pasta takes on world events they don’t actually understand.

That aside, I wanted to thank everyone who signed up for a subscription after last week’s newsletter. I appreciate your support and enthusiasm for ugly things endlessly. Paid readers also got a very special email from me filled with all of my thoughts on what happened to celebs at Louis Vuitton and Chanel as well as a check-in on the status of the naked trend currently sweeping our nation. And not to go full used car salesman on you, but right now has also never been a better time to buy Mess as I found out this week that my part-time gig at People is tragically coming to an end. That means I am once again full-time freelance, which I’ve always felt is an insane profession for me to have as a person who chronically does not have a single thought in my head. That said, editors, call me! I just love that last week I said I’d like to make Mess my full-time job and the universe was like, cool, bet.

Speaking of this newsletter, I also went to a Substack meet-up on Wednesday which I spent a good portion of standing silently in the corner eating some extremely good pizza. But I also finally got to meet my longtime internet pal Jessica DeFino from The Unpublishable in the flesh which was a total delight. Jessica is very much, as one Substack employee called her, “a real Substack celebrity,” so it was entertaining to see various party goers’ reaction to realizing what she writes. I also very much appreciated getting to coast through the party on those belle of the ball coattails.

I, on the other hand, appear to be on the Substack D-list as I noticed that I was not included on their new list of “the most exciting names in fashion” currently on the platform. However, after some reflection, I realized that I really can’t blame them as I wouldn’t exactly call what I do here “exciting” so much as “gruesome.” Next time they make a list of the “most likely to disturb and offend” though, I’m a dead ringer.

Ok, enough yapping. It’s my best friend’s wedding tomorrow and I’ve got one hell of a speech I’m supposed to be writing right now, so I’m going to cut it short. The rest of my extensive lingering thoughts will come to paid subs on Tuesday after the hangover has (hopefully) subsided.

Time to partake of the turpitude. <3

Regarding today’s headline, this image of Pusha T providing us with a definitive ranking of amphibians is almost certainly the photoshop work of a troll as the Twitter user who shared it claiming the rapper deleted the post is the same who was tweeting about him impregnating salamanders in the summer to begin with. (It’s too much to explain right now. Just go read the Know Your Meme.) However, I want this image to be real so badly. It’s so funny. And if anyone could release a hit EP with the songs “Newt,” “Salamander,” “Slug,” and “Bullfrog” on it, it’s this man. Come on, you already know “Slug” would go crazy. I need Pusha T to complete this meme cycle.

I also realized this week that I desperately need this to happen?? My friend Erin posted a photo of Vanna to her Instagram Stories to ask the very important question: “Why is Vanna never in a Prada suit?” And it got the wheels is my little fashion brain a-turnin’. Where is her big designer moment? She is a spokesmodel after all. And you could shoot it on the Wheel of Fortune set, can you imagine?! In Prada, flipping a letter over. In Balenciaga, sprawled out across the wheel. What is fashion waiting for!

And for those interested in Erin’s original query, as someone who weirdly has interviewed Vanna about her gowns, I have the answer. All of Vanna’s looks are just samples borrowed from designer showrooms and Prada would never lend for a syndicated game show — not very good brand synergy. Also, I imagine the head of costume for the show already has long-term, established relationships with designers that do more pageant girl style gowns because that’s always been Vanna’s look from the beginning. High time to reach out to the high-end labels, if you ask me!

Those who follow me on Instagram already saw this UsWeekly post, but I needed to share it with the rest of the class because — no. No one speaks like this, let alone a person under the age of 30. I’m not buying the basic premise of this caption, let alone anything that happens after that. I also always just think it’s so weird when people in my age cohort act like they don’t understand what slang is or how to incorporate it in a normal way into their lives. Like words aren’t being invented and added into everyday language all the time for all sorts of reasons. Also, if the new colloquialism coming out of your mouth doesn’t roll off the tongue, perhaps it’s because you’re not the person who is supposed to be using it. And that’s ok! It’s not always an age thing, sometimes you’re just not cool enough to use a word. But anyway, all that said, this caption is very slay mama, yas queen, boots the house down, on god.

Another social media snafu that transpired this week was Olivia Wilde’s bizarre decision to post this tweet about Taylor Swift completely unprompted. Like, shut up, what are you talking about. This is not very feminist slogan tee of you, Olivia. Also, she is acting like she too is not a famous person whose love life tabloids are obsessed with, the interest around which could be leveraged to better the world. Olivia could also be dating some important activist, but instead she has dated a famous comedian and a stupidly famous pop star. Ok.

That point aside, this is also just not how fame works and she knows that. She acutely knows that as someone who just went through this experience with Harry. The pandemonium over the relationship comes from two big stars colliding. Not a star and a rando, no matter how altruistic their profession. Like what impact did Ariana Grande’s marriage to Dalton Gomez have on the public’s interest in real estate brokers, I’d love to know

Now, something else I would love to know is how in the world did this happen. What programming tragedy has befallen Netflix that they think this is going to be a winning content strategy. As the foremost (only) newsletter documenting this couple’s every move, I can confidently say they are not doing anything that anyone would be interested in watching. It’s going to be just 20 minutes straight of Brooklyn making toast before “styling” Nicola in one of her 500 pairs of Versace platforms for an event that’s going to turn them away at the door. Ok fine, maybe I do need to see this stupid reality show. But if Netflix thinks that these two are Posh & Becks 2.0, they are delulu, as the youth say.

And as she so often is, Chloe is once again so, so right with this ingenious take on what the Kardashians should be doing in order to make us care a little bit more about what they’re doing. This is how you story craft. This is good reality drama. Sibling v, sibling, battling it out on the runway. Besides, Vetements is perfect for Kourtney’s current Hot Topic XXL sweatshirt era. Let’s get those dueling contracts drafted, ladies! (And if this is the first you’re hearing about the largely one-sided Gvasalia dispute, here’s a helpful explainer.)

Speaking of siblings on the runway, what is so not right is Kendall splashing and frolicking around in this filthy NYC fountain. And just after I said she never commits to anything! Obviously she was paid a million bucks to submerse herself in this cesspit as it was all being filmed for a Calvin Klein campaign, but I’m not sure even seven figures could convince me to get trench foot and tetanus off old pennies on behalf of a brand. This reminds me of one of those TikToks where they clean out the jets of an old jacuzzi tub, but with the volume turned up to 11.

And I can’t tell you how badly I wish this was a serve. It should be, it’s so close. Anna Delvey is giving us Lindsey Lohan SCRAM bracelet circa 2010, but I fear the fashion is a little too authentically 2010 as well. What happened to that stylist she was working with during the trial? All that well-appointed Celine and Victoria Beckham? Let’s bring that back. I feel the same about her decision to do a fashion show with Kelly Cutrone as part of her big comeback, it too seems oddly dated. I think Delvey just needs to update her rolodex and references to get a handle on how best to lay her grifter plans for 2023.

And I was already concerned for the general populations’s intellect and comprehension skills thanks to what I’ve seen on social media this week combined with all those teacher TikTok’s about how Gen Alpha can’t read, but when I saw that Taylor Swift’s faux bob was out here “baffling” people, it became clear to me that it’s too late and we’ve already reached an apocalyptic level of brain worms. Imagine if every time one of your colleagues showed up to work with a haircut — or as in this case, just a hairdo — everyone gathered around them screaming, “Where did all the hair go?” I don’t know how we’re going to get it, but we must get a lick of common sense as a society expeditiously.

After last week’s RFK Jr. debacle, Gwyneth won me back over again ever so slightly when she told Vogue that she uses her Shakespeare in Love Oscar to prop open the door to her garden. This is exactly what I mean about the joys of dumb opulence. If you’re going to be rich and famous, this is the only way to make it fun for all of us. Well, at least until we’re ready to go full redistribution of wealth with it. Anyway, I absolutely love this idea, I’m sure it’s an incredibly effective doorstop, and I hate all the goddamn party poopers out there who complained and forced Gwyneth to admit that she was just joking and doesn’t actually do this. Do you guys want to be entertained or not? We often seem dead set as an audience on sucking all of the fun out of this fame monster we’re responsible for creating. Lighten up! Enjoy the grotesque capitalism while it lasts, baby!

Likewise, I fear many of us have traversed the land of PC culture into the realm of profound prudery. And that mixed with the utter absence of common sense I mentioned above is an extremely deadly combination. It’s not just that the stunt woman at this Marc Jacobs show was literally tagged in this Instagram Reel and she is a professional at falling down stairs in the safest way humanly possible, but the fact that even after finding all of that out the OP doubled-down on their right to be outraged at the entirely fictional scenario they’ve projected onto this Instagram clip. As that one responder pointed out, “the shock factor is part of the art bestie.” People are often so quick to be offended over something but don’t want to take a second to consider why or what that might mean about them, about culture, about the very art form they’re consuming. Do we all want to live in a milquetoast bubble world where our sensibilities are never challenged? I think it’s much more interesting to brush up against those sharp edges and ask how they got there in the first place. At the very least, be upset about the right things. It’s fashion after all, there are plenty of very real issues to choose from and a professional doing their job professionally is not one of them.

On a very different topic, Drake really is so dumb. Those lyrics aren’t even a defense of his behavior, he’s just threatening to beat up people and cut their fingers off if they bring up Millie’s name in his comment section…..normal. About as normal as texting “I miss you so much” to a 14-year-old girl as a 31-year-old man…..And it’s not like she is the only famous pre-teen he’s been caught texting. It’s crazy to me that Drake’s not only so brazen about doing this stuff, but so confident the public will side with him in his underage endeavors that he feels completely comfortable reminding his fans that he does this by randomly bringing it up in his songs. What a fucking weirdo.

And just to add insult to injury, he also had to go and remind me this week that he doesn’t even have good taste. This man spends his money on some of the ugliest, most expensive things I’ve ever laid eyes on. In fact, I would say the only thing worse than his cursed collection of portrait tattoos is his jewelry collection. In this case, getting a blinged-out pendant of the CN Tower with the Raptors and the Blue Jays mascots clinging on for dear life. A waste of gemstones from top to bottom. While I want to say this is Drake’s worst piece yet, I’ve still never quite recovered from the cuff bracelet French Montana gave him that spells out his name.

To cleanse the palate, here’s Taylor Russell in custom Alexander McQueen, a reference to the finale look in Lee McQueen’s Fall 1998 collection “Joan.” As always, we need to take a moment to appreciate the posing directives her stylist Ryan Hastings has given here. He consistently steers his girls right in terms of how to hold their body to best showcase a look. Please recall Addison in that vintage Mugler skirt suit. I also saw a BTS video of the making of a dress similar to this one for the new McQueen collection, and while I understand intellectually that this is made entirely out of beads, actually seeing them string them all together and build this whole thing by hand is absolutely mind-blowing. And while I also understand why I have to see Taylor’s face here, as always, I just think it would be a whole lot cooler if I didn’t. If you’re not going to give me the “Joan” ring of fire, at least give me the shroud.

And just when the world needs him most, Lenny Kravitz has returned to fully embrace the meme of himself in the most spectacular of fashions. First we got the scarf weather TikTok, now an entire music video where he is threatening to flash dong (again). I love a himbo who understands the important role he plays in society and sticks to it.

I previously told you about my love for the incredibly rare paparazzi snap of comically windswept celebs. Now here is another such treasured category of photograph for me: famous people with enormous shopping bags. In this case, Jamie Foxx carrying two Gucci sacks filled with presents for his daughter. My interest here, however, is not limited to enormous designer parcels. Really anything that makes famous folks look like a Honey! I Shrunk the Kids moment is transpiring is good in my book. See also: Ellen DeGeneres looking lilliputian next to her monster SUV.

And finally, here’s your weekly reminder that if you are not a paid subscriber, you’re about to miss out on all of my thoughts regarding Julia Fox’s book tour looks, which included yet another pubis-baring belt-fit as well as an Emma Chamberlain-inspired watch choker. I also have a photo of Anitta in a double-breasted corset with articulated nipples that is going to knock your socks off. So please sign up for that before you miss out on even more stunning images.

Ok well I’m as tongue-tied and flabbergasted as Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’s Mary Cosby baring witness to a cheeseburger, but I’m all out of images for today.

May all your weekends be as fruitful and prosperous as Latto with an armful of singles. See you back here next week, cuties!

That’s all, folks! If you’ve stumbled this far down this yellow brick road lined with refuse, you’re clearly exactly the type of starry-eyed dreamer I’ve been looking for. So since there’s no place like Mess, you should probably consider signing up for a paid subscription and double your real estate investment. And if you love the neighborhood, I don’t see why your friends wouldn’t be interested in investing in a spot on Mess Main Street as well, so why not go on and sign them for a free subscription. Or, if you can’t currently afford the down payment or would rather just rent, go ahead and sign a lease with 650+ fellow tenants and join the ~MESS DISCORD~ today. And please go check out the new MESS MERCH store (or the old one) for a much-needed wardrobe refresh.

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Farewell, my closest confidants!

I’ll be back (on Tuesday)!