Oprah owes us all an apology
Exactly how many egg yolks are in an egg yolk omelette?
And welcome back. Since we last spoke, it’s been all quiet here on the Western front. Too quiet if you ask me.
While every person I know had a total existential meltdown over the course of Mercury Retrograde, my life has been suspiciously smooth-sailing. In fact, there’s been nary a technical glitch to blame on the reversal of that planet. I’ve mostly just been hanging out, not working particularly hard for the first time in months, and just taking myself out on little solo dates around the city to movies and restaurants and various woo-woo wellness activities. It’s all good here at Mess HQ, and yet I remain suspicious...
Anywho, apologies to all who rely on this newsletter every Friday to usher them into the weekend but: ***I’m taking next week off***
My sisters and I are going to surprise my mom for Halloween, a holiday more important to her than Christmas, Thanksgiving, and her birthday combined. I’m also taking that week off from work at VF for the first time in a long time, which hopefully means I will also be more radically offline in general for once in my life. If you can’t tell, I am very much attempting to stave off the impending burnout I can feel slowly building in my soul and I think this will be exactly the reset I need heading into the holidays.
That said, I did promise that I would send out my top 10 Real Housewives looks from BravoCon to paid subscribers next week, so if you are jonesing for your Mess fix or are just a Bravoholic who needs to know my every thought on the subject, please consider signing up for that. There might also be another episode of Good Press, TBD.
And if you fork over that $5, you’ll also get access to the weekly bonus issue I call Sloppy Seconds, where we recently examined the Prada skirt currently plaguing starlets everywhere, a missed opportunity to deploy a photorealistic nipple, and the many ways Chloe Bailey cannot catch a break. If any of that entices, please subscribe.
In today’s Good Press podcast, I discussed the self-pleasuring baboon that ruined Harry Potter, Joy Behar having sex with ghosts, and Lea Michele’s ties to the Gambino crime family, to name just a few. Please give that 20-minute soliloquy a listen and let me know what you think!
And finally: The Discord. It’s out there. And if you were a member already, you could’ve been enjoying this video of Russell Crowe scootering through the streets of Rome DAYS ago:
And you would also already know exactly how Tom Ford pronounces Beyoncé. Your refusal to join our Mess chat room is only hurting yourself! So get in there already!!!!
As for Oprah? She knows what she’s done.
Let’s see now.
It’s that time of year again! Yes, Fall. Halloween, sure. But more importantly, it’s celebrities fulfilling contractual obligations to show up at haunted houses owned by major networks and movie studios season! There’s nothing I love more than getting to see the strangest assortment of fresh-faced young stars being forced to pose alongside bloodied and fearsome Spirit Halloween employees. See also: These photos of Shawn Mendes and Victoria Justice.
But is it just me, or were the traditional celebrity pumpkin patch photo opps in woefully short supply this year? I feel like this one of Nick Cannon and his nth baby mama was one of the only ones I saw. But I remember even as recently as 2019, we were in the throws of an Instagram fever pitch of pumpkin patch imagery and now, suddenly, zilch. It’s like nobody wants to get up off their ass and make seasonal content anymore! (Except Caitlin Covington, of course.)
However. In the spirit of once again trying to start this newsletter off on a positive note, here is Taylor Russell absolutely killing it in Alexander McQueen. An outfit that concluded a week of absolutely killing it on every red carpet she set foot on. Taylor has proven the power of smart, edgy fashion choices, using them to propel herself out of Timmy Chalamet’s halter-topped shadow and onto the national stage, starting with that very dramatic Schiaparelli boned corset dress. This McQueen choice is also a high fashion lover’s dream as it incorporates two nods to the house’s history. This dress is from the brand’s most recent collection but is actually a reference to an original McQueen design from his spring 1999 collection where the model’s hands rested inside her halter top. And from the back, of course, we get a true bumster — a plunging waistline a full three decades ahead of its time.
I’m also loving this burgeoning trend of celebrities getting into the Rick Owens’ crone shoulder. It’s so freaky in the best possible way, and also a great option if you’re in need of a Halloween costume in a pinch.
And Emma Corrin continues to be Kristen Stewart’s younger, quirkier red carpet corollary. They are the Miu Miu to Kristen’s Prada, pushing the cool non-binary funk into even weirder milieus. I very much enjoy the concept of a pet store gold fish plastic bag as a garment, and the censor bar dress on the right is a straightforward stroke of genius, although it does concern me slightly that you can not see their belly button in any photograph taken of this garment. I don’t even mind the sheer, blue tights as it feels like a little modern nod to indie sleaze. And yes I find both sets of shoes to be nightmarish, but what kind of Corrin-K.Stew joint would this be without an element that makes me question my taste level altogether?
Our eternal Mess muse Julia Fox attended some Variety event wearing a check in the form of this head-to-toe Diesel ensemble that looks like a costume from a Mad Max sequel set in a bog. Although, I will say once I saw that this corset top is lined in shearling, it started to grow on me much like the lichen it appears to be fashioned out of. But more importantly, we got a little preview of the next monster beauty trend Julia is about to inflict on the masses. You’ve seen the no-brow. You’ve seen the Harlow brows. Now, get ready for…..THE DOUBLE BROWS. That’s right, this look is all about drawing on a fresh set Divine-style atop bleached brows that are still very much visible, creating an Antz-esque situation along the brow line. As all of Julia’s makeup appears to be migrating upward, the only logical next step is for her to also start applying eyeshadow everywhere but the socket, and given her recent TikTok, it seems we’re not so far off from that becoming a reality.
And damn. Sydney Sweeney got SO. CLOSE. to wearing something that actually made her look cool for once. And then her stylist had to go and ruin it with an insistence on showing off this woman’s chest no matter the garment. This is also almost exactly the same cutouts and same weird custom bra they had needlessly installed into that vintage Versace dress a month ago that she wore backwards for a reason no one was ever able to explain to me. This pains me because if she had just worn a plain, full coverage, black leather button up, this would’ve been chic as hell, especially paired with the laidback, almost wet-look hair. This could’ve been an It-girl reinvention for Sydney and instead it was just another of her stylist’s attempts to make her look like a middle-aged mom trying to be hip.
Another thing that there’s still much room for improvement on — pasties! As I said last week, the titties are officially out of the tops and there is a huge gap in the market for decorative coverings of every style imaginable, from Joan Smalls more in-your-face Xs to something dramatically more seamless and invisible for Nafessa Williams. I am tired of seeing these cushioned blister band-aids peeping out of every sheer dress.
And something that could be much, MUCH better is this pilgrim’s football jersey fashioned out of waterproof patio furniture covers that Thom Browne put Gwendoline Christie in. Do you understand just how much fabric it takes to make someone this tall look like she’s swimming in it?? And you can tell she knows it’s not tailored enough by this pose where she’s trying to fake even the slightest hint of a waistline. I also just don’t see the point of tacking a 10 onto the back.
And does this give anyone else American Apparel PTSD flashbacks? Because your eyes do not deceive you, that is an opaque black legging under that sheer neon pink maxi skirt with a striped brief layered on top, finished off with a matching ringspun crewneck sweatshirt. Just when you think you’ve thoroughly exorcised the spirit of Dov Charney from popular society…
And lest you think that Louis Vuitton’s reign of terror upon its celebrity spokespeople came to a close with the end of Paris Fashion Week, the brand returned with a vengeance as a sponsor of the Academy Museum Gala on Saturday. Which is how Joe Jonas found himself wearing a 5′ 7″ belt as a suit, and his wife Sophie Turner wound up ensconced in a baby bassinet liner.
And yet somehow their outfits were still not as disrespectful as LV’s treatment of these two Haims— putting them in coordinated dresses that might as well have been shower curtains from The Container Store—and Jussie Smollet, who clearly didn’t know what to do with these bumper car hips she’s been tasked with selling, trying to use them like a hand rail or a coffee table. Actually, it might not be such a bad idea to start incorporating shelving into these panniers and evolve them from a bourgeoisie-beloved trend to a mobile desk for the modern, working woman. Call me, Nicolas. I’ve got some thoughts.
But somehow, impossibly, worse than all of the above is this pair of shoes worn by Rita Ora that I think Who? Weekly did a perfect job of describing.
As for the family that keeps the Mess masses fed, Kylie Jenner did her best Julia Fox impression this week in a pair of joots and a matching set that looks like two table cloths that have been tied around her waist and tucked into her bra to fashion an impromptu walk of shame ensemble. It should surprise none of you to learn that this hideousness was also designed by an equally hideous man, Alexander Wang. And, as always, the way no famous person seems to care in the slightest about the numerous, credible allegations of sexual assault against him, largely made by trans women, really speaks volumes.
And if their support of a predator wasn’t sad enough, we also got yet another tragic glimpse into Khloé’s bottom of the barrel self-esteem when Kim wore the exact same Balenciaga catsuit as her because for some reason the ladies in this family are unable to shop from any other stores. This twinning moment prompted Khloe to comment “Oh ok well I didn’t look like this in mine. Ha,” followed shortly by, “You’re a bitch,” which she appears to have since deleted, perhaps realizing that it gives away the game that she is not actually saying this in playful jest. Because the craziest thing about all of this is THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. There is literally no difference because they have all morphed themselves into the same singular vision of an insanely proportioned, plumped and smoothed, plastic surgery automaton. Failing to realize, of course, that when you start a plastic surgery journey from a place of low self-worth, no amount of tweaks and trims will ever suffice or artificially provide them with the confidence they’re unable to generate on their own without mass validation in the form of likes. Very depressing stuff!
And, if your confidence is really so easily undermined by these comparisons, maybe start by not actively seeking them out by copycatting each other all the time. Just a thought!
On the subject of hideous Dolce & Gabbana apparel, Kim also made the utterly bizarre choice to promote her collaboration with the brand by using an R. Kelly lyric…I think I’m the only person in the world who clocked this little slip-up or who cares, but it just seems like a needlessly weird and short-sighted choice? Especially for a future lawyer who it seems like wants to create a legacy of helping wrongfully imprisoned people, wrongfully imprisoned people such as…..sex trafficking victims perhaps? I just think Kim already has a hard enough time being taken seriously without tacking on odd displays of support for a sex cult-founding pedophile just because she is unable to come up with an original, or even culturally relevant, photo caption.
We were also talking yesterday in the Discord about how the brand deals on top of brand deals have turned Kim’s Instagram content and outfits into absolutely nothing at all. No taste, no concept, no forward momentum because all of it is just one big piece of half-assed spon con. And yet, she thinks that despite this utter lack of creative vision and innovation she will somehow be able to remain at the top of the fashionista heap for the long haul…….make that make sense. Because here, once again, we have the illusion of yet another Balenciaga catsuit which is already a snooze and a half, but even worse, this is in fact a faux Balenciaga catsuit created out of Skims shapewear and Stuart Weitzman boots layered under her usual promotional Balenciaga comforter coat and bag, and all modeled in the corner of her walk-in closet…yet again. As I already said on Discord, there’s something about all of this that feels like a very old form of style blogger content creation, like she hasn't elevated and updated her aesthetic and strategy to match her actual level of fame now. Kim is really stuck in 2011 when she should be doing Beyoncé caliber imagery and brand integration at this point in her career, not the same old shit as any other Instagram model if she wants to keep the bloated cash cow that is her family truckin’ along.
And on the topic of more ads than Kim knows what to do with, she also released a new image from her Stuart Weitzman campaign (left) which contains a pose that I find even more absurd than her last one because please regard the way she has awkwardly rested her calf atop her knee as though her leg is too heavy to support with her own core strength or she needed to do a quick glute stretch mid-shoot. Also, someone on Twitter commented that this first photo was “appropriating long leg culture,” which led to me googling this campaign in general and discovering this second image (right), and I have to agree! After years of being swallowed up by thigh-high boots that ended somewhere around her bustline, Kim is finally getting to live out all of her tall girl fantasies via these ads.
But thankfully, there’s at least one mystery about this family that I did finally solve this week which is why all of their content is photoshopped and FaceTuned with such reckless abandon. Kimberly really needs to learn how to delegate.
And I’m so sorry to inflict this Megan Fox selfie upon your unsuspecting eyes when we’re so close to calling it quits here today, but it has been haunting me since the moment I saw it. Before we even get into the uncanny valley of it all, I just have to say that Maeve continues to be an absolute fashion terrorist for putting her in these furry hats nonstop. I swear I haven’t seen the top of Megan’s head in months. Further confirmation that all involved think she and MGK have a Pam and Tommy type of thing going on when they have absolutely nothing of the sort.
Now, as for everything else. I’m afraid Megan’s face has long passed the point of no return and I don’t understand why the gum to teeth ratio is so out of whack here, but I hate it and I hate that they also perfectly match her lipstick. I also don’t love seeing the crater of her armpit from this angle — there’s something a little too undulatory about everything going on. BTW all of this transpired in a web swing while she was reading a book of “moon spells,” just for context.
And as a token of our friendship and fond feelings for one another despite the prolonged torture I subject you to here each week, allow me to offer you the latest Pilaf sighting. Still floof, still bobble-headed, still destined for great stardom.
And now, while it may cause me to weep like Brooklyn Beckham, I’m afraid this is where we must go our separate ways.
But please know that our time together has made me as thrilled and delighted as Tilda Swinton encountering some latte art in the wild.
Ok, now get out of here! Scram!
And finito! If you’ve inexplicably found yourself here in the footnotes after traversing this Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride of a newsletter, then congratulations! You have an iron-clad constitution for chaos. And since you seem to be a discerning patron of exceptional understanding and appreciation for the lowest brow literature and fashion, I’m sure you hobnob with some individuals of equally ill repute. So go ahead and sign them all up for Mess subscriptions today, then make a friend for life by gifting them a paid sub and an array of MESS MERCH. And don’t forget to join the ~ DISCORD ~ ! I won’t rest until all of your beautiful opinions are being voiced upon that platform.
This famine of elegance is unleashed upon you every Friday morning thanks to my voracious consumption of tabloid fodder and your love affair with the hideous couture industrial complex. But this chain reaction of bad attire and worse opinions would have never coalesced before your eyes if it weren’t for the support of those unreasonable tyrants of questionable taste — the OG Mess Masters. Twice weekly, these fad dictators demand I unearth only the most tragic and sinister items of clothing for their perusal. And for just $5 a month, you too could be subjected to the full Mess experience. So, if you’re ready to take a ride on the mild side, please become a paid subscriber today.
Or, if you can’t afford the $5, ask me about getting a comped sub or leave a little tip on my Venmo at your leisure. And don’t forget that if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion or bail fund, your next month of Mess is on me.