Nicole Kidman in a hat on Fire Island

Who is she?

Greetings to all my Messketeers far and wide!

As you’re reading this, I am jetting off to Ohio for the long weekend to visit yet another of my old college roommates, but mostly to cuddle with her dog. I realized upon booking this trip that I’ve somehow never been there before? In fact, the only things I really know about Ohio is that the headquarters for Victoria’s Secret and Bath & Body Works are there, and Travis Kelce and MGK grew up there. You know what, now that I’ve articulated that out loud, MGK and his rancid vibes tainting the entire city of Cleveland are surely what has kept me away from the great Buckeye State for all this time. But no longer. So, if you have any pertinent recommendations in the vicinity of Columbus, please let me know. One set of tentative plans we have is to pay a visit to the Canopy Walk at some point which is exactly what it sounds like, a raised boardwalk that winds through the treetops. A real birdwatcher’s delight. It also features some sort of netted hammock situation where you can supposedly hang out and recline, but I feel like to lie on a net suspended 50-feet in the air is to test my luck in a manner that it does not need to be tested. We’ll see if I can be persuaded otherwise in the moment.

While I’m excited to spend some QT with my old pal, the one sad part of this micro vacay is that I will be missing my girl Francis’s second birthday on Saturday. Everyone say, “Happy Birthday, perfect angel baby!” My brain cannot compute that we’ve spent this much time in each other’s company. How have over 600 days of creepy conversations with men in my neighborhood about how beautiful my dog is elapsed in the blink of an eye. She can’t be two when just yesterday she was a tiny baby with razor sharp teeth trying to eat shards of glass off the sidewalk and destroy my bedsheets even though she could barely reach them. What do you know, time really does fly. I will never forget her outright refusing to poop for three days straight because she was distrustful of the subway’s constant rumblings. It’s been such a gift to watch her unbelievably stubborn and goofy personality blossom since then. Fran was brat long before brat was cool. And, as much as I’ve hated the moniker being thrust upon me at every turn during this dog rearing experience, I guess I am in fact a proud dog mom at the end of the day.

This week has been a mega busy one, in part because of the impending travel and in part because I finally recorded a YouTube video that I hope to share with you all imminently. I am not what anyone would dub a “natural” in front of the camera, but I continue to push myself well outside of my comfort zone. To what end? No clue. But I push nonetheless.

Because of the time it’s taken to put that together, and the whole currently being in transit thing, I’m going to cut today’s edition of Mess a touch short. Besides, the vast bulk of my thoughts on everything that’s transpired in the final week of August can already be found behind the paywall. In this week’s Sloppy Seconds, we talked about the “Kick” Kennedy of it all, did a fashion breakdown of your favorite pop girlies, from Sabrina Carpenter to Katy Perry, examined my newfound obsession with the dorm room makeovers of NFL heiresses, and marveled at Heidi Klum’s Brazillian wax-mandatory bikini bottoms (although I think it would be a hell of a lot cooler if she went au naturel).

Next week, I’ve got a new episode of The Review of Mess podcast coming out followed by a Mess Recommends jam packed with products I purchased in the month of August and enjoyed. This month, at the suggestion of a Messketeer, that newsletter will also feature a roundup of some links to a few things I read this month and loved and thought you all might love as well, ranging from high-brow newsletters on how to be a better writer to lowbrow breakdowns of Jude Law’s complicated familial situation. So fork over that $5 to be blessed with a true cornucopia of content in the weeks to come.

Ok, enough is enough.

To begin, I, like everyone else on the internet this week, am completely fixated on finding out what is inside Adam Sandler’s massive Khaite shopping bag. Where is the investigative journalism. Who is getting to the bottom of this!!!! This seems like an exclusive The Cut would typically be all over. Media really is dead. Occam’s razor tells us that this is most likely a present for his wife or daughters. But my heart wants to believe this man picked himself up a luxurious cashmere sweater and a capacious tote for fall. Honestly, it’s probably best that we Schrödinger's cat this and never find out what’s in there. Keep the Adam Sandler Net-a-Porter shopaholic fantasy alive.

And now is the moment in the newsletter where I am brave enough to admit that I was wrong for I judged these two too harshly in the past. Upon first discovering Monica Bellucci and Tim Burton’s romance, I couldn’t fathom what one of the most beautiful women to ever live saw in this goth claymation king. But I was remiss! I fully get it now. We let her cook for a year, and now suddenly I see the vision. It’s like sexy Spy vs. Spy. I might even go so far as to say he’s handsome?? At least, this photo made me realize that he has the exact same mouth and jawline as Monica’s ex Vincent Cassel. Hot, but yikes! And with this haircut and serious wardrobe upgrade, she’s also managed to make Tim look like every classy, old Italian man currently promenading about Rome. Beautifully done. Plus, Monica finally gets to be a serious director’s muse, and if there’s anyone deserving of that job title it’s most definitely her. In an interview to promote Beetlejuice Beetlejuice at the Venice Film Festival where this photo was taken, she said of their relationship, “Tim is an artist and he knows how to make situations that are fantastic and horrific and comic and emotional all at the same time. He helped me so much to create this monster [in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice], more than a monster…She is a metaphor of life. Tim told me about the character and said he thought of me, and he showed me what he thought. Tim loves Italy and he loves Italian films and he has showed me so many many films. I have discovered Mario Bava (director of the 1957 horror classic I Vampiri) thanks to him.” And, in my opinion, a Monica Bellucci third act pivot to silver screen scream queen is EXACTLY what the doctor ordered.

Since we’re talking unusual pairings, Lana Del Rey seems to have debuted her new relationship with Jeremy Dufrene, a weather-beaten alligator tour guide from Louisiana who Lana originally met in 2019 right before she started dating that weird cop who was the host of Live PD. The duo were spotted by fans in London this week eating breakfast and holding hands. But the thing that surprised me the most about this new couple announcement was just how many people were so surprised by it. I feel like this is the most Lana relationship move imaginable. She loves a good ‘ol, down-home, blue collar man. Even when they’re just cosplaying at being backwoods and folksy, like that dude she posed in front of the county jail with, Jack Donoghue. Anyway, I can’t wait for Lana to become the reptile whispering princess of the bayou with the fan boat whipping her hair back and forth like one of Beyoncé’s wind machines. And you already know the music that’s going to come out of this camo-tinged love affair is going to be nothing short of sensational.

As I told paid subs this week, LDR and her leathered tour guide make just as much sense to me as Ben Affleck and Kick Kennedy’s turbulent friends-with-benefits dalliance. Especially after I read a source quote that explained that, as a man from Boston, becoming a Kennedy is the greatest achievement Ben could ever possibly hope for. Everything suddenly clicked into place for me after that. And I’m also thrilled to see that old Benny boy is getting right back to business as usual following his split from JLo. He is taking that divorce filing in stride and using the additional spotlight on him in this moment to do some light Jack in the Box spon con. This man’s greatest passion in life just might be a paparazzi set up involving food being doordashed to his front gate. It’s like the post-Ana de Armas breakup era of Dunkin’ fumbles never ended.

Now, I wanted to take a moment to praise Taylor Russell for how flawless her deployment of vintage fashion always is, in this case a John Galliano Spring 1995 ready-to-wear skirt and blazer set. You can’t really see it here, but it has this fantastic figure eight peekaboo detailing at the forearms. I was surprised, however, to discover that she worked with stylist Jahleel Weaver on both these looks instead of her usual stylist Ryan Hastings who has put her in so many great archival pieces in the past and whose influence I can still very much see in even just the way Taylor holds her hands in relationship to these garments. Interesting….. But like I said, my original intention was to heap accolades upon this style superstar, and then this Chanel number came down the red carpet and that whole train of thought got seriously waylaid. This dress is not for me. Which, as a storied Chanel hater, should come as a surprise to no one. But this gown is actually yet another piece of evidence that my brain is exclusively full of only the most rotten, useless fashion information. Because tell me why the second I saw this dress I clocked it as a reproduction. Despite every. single. outlet and Instagram post — including the one from Jahleel himself! — reporting that Taylor was in the original vintage Chanel Haute Couture Spring 1993 gown originally worn by Claudia Schiffer, I said NO. Do not lie to me. And what do you know. When Chanel finally shared its own post about the dress, suddenly it was revealed that Taylor is “wearing a custom hand-painted corseted dress with an embroidered crinoline overskirt, a replica of a silhouette from the CHANEL Spring-Summer 1993 Haute Couture collection.” Boom. Like I said. How did I know??? Well, for one, they added nipple covers into the dress that did not exist in the original. But the dead giveaway was actually that they did the exact same terrible thing to this dress that they did to Margot Robbie’s 1993 Cindy Crawford reproduction at the 2023 Met Gala, which is that for some ungodly reason they updated the PVC panels in the corset top to be even worse than the originals???! I truly will never understand it. I thought Chanel’s reign of terror would end with the removal of Virginie. When will we know peace!

To lift the mood here a touch, let’s now check in on my Mess queen Isabelle Huppert who could never look bad, even under a Chanel contract. But thankfully, she’s booked and busy with Balenciaga. And despite that brand’s best attempts to knock her out in a tidal wave of fabric, she reigns supreme. I think Isabelle looks amazing in everything from this dress with enough sleeves for an octopus (center) to this couture gown (right, at the Beetlejuice Beetlejuice premiere) that reminds me of a traditional Shinto wedding kimono, which I believe is called a Shiromuku (but please correct me if I’m wrong!), except done in red, of course, in honor of Lydia Deetz. But just when I thought the red carpet fits were major, Isabelle rolled up to the photocall in this classically aughts off-duty celeb uniform that knocked my socks off. Don’t get me wrong, I remain unimpressed with the actual physical clothing which is little more than a rehash of a Juicy Couture tracksuit and a gift shop baseball cap being resold at a tenfold markup. But I am genuinely delighted by the appearance of this deeply Parisian woman dressed up like an LA influencer, complete with to-go coffee cup, stepping off a motor boat in the Venice canals and onto the red carpet. This is the type of sight gag that made me love Demna so much at Vetements to begin with. I want to see more of this type of gentle trolling and playing with aesthetic tropes again, poking fun at the capital F Fashion people of the world by selling the epitome of basic-ness back to them for the price of a compact car.

Speaking of legend shit…..hello??? I mean, my god. Interview has been really knocking it out of the park lately with their celeb editorials. Demi Moore has never looked better and I love the top heavy, linebacker proportions this jacket creates. It gives a similar silhouette to the padded-out faux muscle shirts I’ve been trying to egg on famous men into wearing for years now. Very bad boy Gru in a straitjacket. As for the image on the right, you know I saw underwear being modeled as outerwear and came running. Again, much as I discussed with the “Guess” music video, underwear has become increasingly central to both fashion and pop culture more broadly. It’s gone from completely concealed — between our obsession with VPLs and shapewear — to fully exposed and, in fact, the focal point of the entire outfit. Now I’m just patiently waiting on Julia Fox to step out in an outfit composed entirely out of one giant pair of tighty-whities worn like a romper.

And finally, today’s newsletter title was inspired by this incredible fictional headline from Nicole Kidman who claims that simply popping on a bucket hat allowed her to party incognito on an island filled to the brim with gay men for an entire weekend. Ok. Sure! My first thought upon reading this though was that this means, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Nicole has definitely seen Katya Zamolodchikova’s version of her AMC commercial and that fact brings me a profound sense of joy. It also made me realize that this type of exaggeration and little white lie to the press is exactly what sets the A-list pros apart from the amateurs. As a famous person, this type of charming, made-up, yet totally harmless anecdote is one of the most crucial aspects of the job, and so, so many wildly fail at it. Most celebs are either so profoundly boring they can’t even invent something vaguely interesting to talk about or they swing too big and make a claim that’s way too wild and easily disprovable. When clearly the sweet spot is hat as cloak of invisibility, or the all-time classic example, Dakota Johnson saying “I love limes" only to later reveal she is allergic to limes. Anyway, this is exactly why Nicole Kidman is an icon and she deserves every iota of our accolades.

And that’s that on that on this beautiful Friday. Auf Wiedersehen, meine Freunde! May you all find your perfect wienerschnitzel this weekend!!!

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What’s the deal with goodbyes!!!!