Mama Tina's Toxic Gumbo

I still can't get over AllBirds pivoting to AI.

Alexis Stone as my queen Joan Rivers taking a bong rip for Interview.

Hellooo, Messketeers!

Happy Saturday! Apologies for the delay. I missed you all. We had a great chat behind the paywall last week featuring even more hyperreal bodies, dresses made out of mist, Kim K in her Spring Breakers era, and fully inflatable clothing. I also posted a brand spanking new YouTube roundup for those who prefer to listen to my multitude of silly musings:

My friend Ferron came to visit over the weekend and I had a great time showing her the many terribly cliché Brooklyn sights and shops in my neighborhood. We also ate dinner at this place Nowon that’s been written up everywhere and is, in fact, very good. Everyone is talking about the burger, which is great, but we were also very pleasantly surprised by the “chopped cheese” rice cakes and the huge amount of food the tasting menu provides. I definitely recommend. We also went to see The Drama and, despite already knowing the big twist, I actually liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I thought the way the nuance of the characters’ morality was slowly unfurled was done really nicely, and you can’t help but feel sympathetic towards Zendaya which I feel like is an incredibly difficult feat to pull off in and of itself.

Since starting the new job, I’ve been trying to watch more movies and open my book more as a means of slowly starting to restore my broken attention span. My brain has felt pulled in a million different directions at once, but in a way that is ultimately probably for the best. It feels like I’m cleaning out the gutters of my creativity. I’m brushing the cobwebs off all these disparate parts of my psyche and booting them back up again after years of dormancy from devoting all of my waking thoughts to Mess. It’s a little frenetic, but I assume a very normal part of reentering the workforce while maintaining a full-fledged second career. Now I just have to figure out how to reincorporate my fitness and therapy routines from my unemployed lifestyle back into my newly employed one…

Oh, and thanks to the Balenciaga team for inviting me to another cocktail party at their store. What a treat to waltz around touching extremely high-priced items with my associate editor, also Emily, and her friend Madeline. But my favorite part was this cocktail they were doling out at the event that was a shade of neon I’ve never seen outside of a glow stick. It made me annoyed at myself I don’t have a chartreuse city bag to match.

Ok, it’s just about Mess o’clock, my babes!!!!

We must begin today with seemingly the only thing transpiring in the big, wide world of celebrity fashion all week — The Devil Wears Prada 2 press tour. I endeavor to remain open-minded, yet find myself extremely skeptical that this sequel could possibly live up to any of its heavily-manufactured mass nostalgia. And pretty much all of the outfits on these red carpets have likewise amplified my serious doubts that this project possesses the taste level I believe is requisite to pull this thing off with any aplomb.

But one cast member has been blowing everyone else out of the water this week, and that is obviously Meryl Streep whose elegance knows no bounds. Look at the way this woman rocks the hell out of an oversized coat. The Prada look on the left is, to me, the pinnacle of effortless fashion editor street style. This is the type of outfit The Sartorialist has wet dreams about capturing on film. And the coat on the right has introduced me to my platonic ideal of a black tie outfit. Meryl has somehow found a way to get away with wearing a sequined Snuggie to her own movie premiere, and now I have an all-new level of divadom to aspire to.

Stop Trying to Make Tux Gowns Happen

As I said. Art is not imitating life. The student has not become the master. Anne Hathaway wore this custom Versace gown to the London premiere of the film and, as I was giving it a good once over, I realized that Donatella’s chaotic touch can be seen all over this thing. And I looked it up, and I think I might be right because Pieter Mulier doesn’t officially start as the brand’s new creative director until July! Also, I just don’t believe that the man who brought us the supreme space age minimalism of Alaïa would do something as gauche as this exposed boning or shirt placket plastered across Anne’s bust. I also feel like I’ve shown you a million variations on the “reimagined” tuxedo gown in this email over the years, and I think maybe it’s time to admit that the whole concept is just not working! And that’s ok!!!

It’s Chicken Time.

Meanwhile, Emily Blunt was on that red carpet battling her own fashion demons. She has got to be Schiaparelli’s bravest soldier. I swear the brand gives her all their most difficult and deeply odd dresses for her biggest red carpet moments. I’m thinking specifically of that 2024 Oscars gown with the floating shoulder straps and trompe l’oeil undies that everyone was fighting over on social media. And I know I’ve been saying this relentlessly all month long, but I can’t help it, there really is a plethora of poultry-based attire out there! This neckline in particular reads extremely silkie chicken down to the round tuft of feathers they have atop their heads. And, unfortunately, this slashed and hacked at tulle ball gown skirt just reminds me of how much more I prefer Viktor & Rolf’s Spring 2010 versions with their razor sharp, laser-cut edges.

The Devil Wears Denim on Denim

Equally brave was Ciara’s choice to wear this hideous denim duster over a Canadian summer tuxedo and what appears to be a mullet-hemmed button-up top to a film all about HIGH. FASHION. The spread and shape of this jean collar alone I find to be maddening. How dare you come to me, on this the most momentous of holy days for magazine bitches, and try to serve in a jort and Paris Hilton’s old choker.

A Rihanna Respite

Now, as a palette cleanser, here is a picture of Rihanna in a Parisian grocery store. And leave it to Rihanna in a Parisian grocery store to introduce me to a vintage Thierry Mugler mink earring I’ve somehow never seen before in my entire life. After the way that man’s archive has been used and abused by the KarJenners, you think you’ve seen it all. And then, naturally, Ri steps out to demonstrate that there are still hidden luxury gems in even the most celeb-saturated archive for those with the swag to see. Of course, she’s also literally the only person on planet earth who could ever pull of these Princess Leia cinnamon rolls made of pearl-bedecked caterpillars. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see lesser fashion deities give it the ol’ college try!

Lily-Rose Depp-core

And Jennie’s Rubies…….please do not come for me. I’m still reeling from my last scuffle with the Camilizers, and I can’t take another tongue lashing from a stan-dom at this time. But come on, even you guys have to admit that something very funky is afoot with this Schiaparelli Fall 2026 dress. It’s like if we let Apple take a stab at designing corsetry. In fact, there’s so many odd choices going on here that I actually can’t stop thinking about this garment and so, ultimately, maybe it’s doing exactly what it’s supposed to do???

Initially, I was arrested by this neckline as it feels completely novel, like the boob panels got flipped during production and sewn back on perpendicularly. Making things even stranger yet, the molded cups have been heavily distressed as though they’ve spent years under the duress of a pressure washer. And there’s something about this combo of a pointless belt over a tube top paired with a low-rise mesh midriff cutout that is extremely Lily-Rose Depp to me. Which, now that I think of it, is actually a hell of a testament to her weirdly specific style. It may not be good style, but it is entirely, unquestionably her own.

Stuck Up Shoulders

Well, I tried to warn you all about the bevy of funky shoulders headed our way this year. As always, I’m going to ignore all conversation of Julia Fox’s glam because you already acutely know my feelings on that front. Although, I do appreciate the hair volume happening here. But what I will say is that this sleeve is extraordinarily phallic from the front. I do not like the way it’s been constructed in the slightest, but I love the idea. It looks like she’s pulling a Sarah Paulson in AHS season four and hiding her conjoined twin under their. But also it kind of looks like there’s something inflatable underneath the fabric keeping the whole sleeve aloft. Or maybe that’s just hopeful thinking because I’ve had balloon clothing on the brain ever since seeing Camilla Araujo last week.

Where Is My Ruff?!

And finally, you may recognize Charlize Theron’s neckpiece as the very runway invite ruff Dior has refused to bequeath unto me time and time again despite my many requests for one as an acknowledgment of my supernatural trend forecasting abilities. Alas, I shall remain ruff-less……for now. But regardless, I am very taken with this all collar, no top concept! It’s an extremely K.Stew outfit proposition, although I feel she would’ve done it entirely sans blazer. And I do wonder when this look will tip over into the realm of luxury medical equipment — a long-held aesthetic passion of mine — as this thing could easily pass for an Issey Miyake-designed cervical collar. And I would think that Rosalía’s bejeweled neck brace on Euphoria would inspire more stars to see the untapped beauty potential in this offbeat gullet accoutrement.

That’s a wrap, folks! Thanks as always for deigning to muck around with me in the mire of these D-list duds. Next week’s newsletter is for paid subs only and the week after that is the g-d MET GALA already!!! So if that’s a red carpet near and dear to your heart, make sure to upgrade today to get all the dish. I have a feeling this year it’s going to be an exceptionally rich text. Ok, love you! Bye-bye!

• Next week, I’ll be delivering an onslaught of questionable attire behind the paywall, so make sure to ready the slop bucket for you and your pals:

• Or ditch those losers and start living the high life in our chat room for elite Messketeers only:

As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more, just ask me about getting a complimentary subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion fund, bail fund, Gaza relief fund, or honestly anything that helps stymie Trump’s agenda in any capacity, your next month of Mess is on me.