Jennifer Lopez is back in her rom-com era
And I'm back on my slop bowl bullshit.
Hello, Messketeers!
Apologies for the serious delay, but I am reporting live from the tail end of week one of my new job at the illustrious Interview magazine! My new gig even got a little shoutout in Feed Me this week which is fun and silly.
My primary takeaway from my time on the job thus far is that its fucking awesome. Not to be all capitalist shill about it, but work rules. I just think there is so much potential to do incredibly cool things. They’re so open to change and new ideas and smart solutions. And I’ve never been somewhere where my weird-ass ideas fit so perfectly hand in glove with their existing editorial point of view. It’s so fun. We’ve already got some very goofy and thought-provoking ideas in the works and I can’t wait to see them come to fruition on the site.
By far the hardest part of the job so far has been receiving the most absurdly cute photos of Fran I’ve ever seen in my life from her new dog walker every day and seeing that she is absolutely having the time of her life without me. It’s also been a week of onboarding which means a whole lot of spreadsheets and learning various operating systems while getting used to being in an office again as a certified yapper. Recceiving so much new input all at once makes me feel very scatterbrained, but I know I’ll get into the swing of things soon enough. Until then, I have ten million questions and ten million ideas to the point that I’ve started keeping a running list of all the things I want to tell my colleagues about in a note on my phone. I am doing my best to be chill about it.
Being in a physical office again, I was also confronted with two great truths about myself I had totally forgotten: 1. no one guzzles more water than me at a desk job and 2. one of my passions in life is click-clacking across a hardwood floor in a fabulous shoe. And the good news for everyone is that I have to traverse the entire office every time I need to go pee which, given my hydration situation, means I have ample opportunity to glissade across the parquet Fred Astaire-style.
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Ok, let’s dish.
I wanted to start with this pair of heels from Jeffrey Campbell that gave me a serious jump scare while scrolling my Instagram feed recently, and which they seem to have knocked off from a brand called Curtsy Toes. As a connoisseur of swill, I thought I’d seen and imagined every ugly piece of footwear under the sun until I stumbled upon these beauts. It’s not just the pedicure divider design of the shoe itself, but the fact that the material is flesh-toned creating a sort of Flinstone foot optical illusion when glimpsed mid-swipe.
I like the designer’s train of thought here though. It’s like a bizzaro Vibram, offering the illusion of orthopedics while actually chipping away at your foot health. They’re yoga toe pumps — curing bunions while giving you all-new forms of blisters to fear.
Bawk Bawk Bagawk!
Are you guys hearing me when I say chicken??? My flock overfloweth at this point. Things are getting crazy out there. Lisa Ann Walter’s jacket is so explicitly poultry-coded, I don’t know how she doesn’t see the Silkie in the mirror. To say nothing of Chrissy Teigen in this Balenciaga skirt made from a Big Bird hide. I feel like I need to get an ornithologist involved here just to explain to me what the hell is going on with this trend.
Trends Accidentally Foretold
In further news of my inadvertent fashion forecasting, like I told you at the beginning of the year, something is going on with proportion right now, as seen here on Selena Gomez in Prada. I have yet to articulate the phenomenon to my satisfaction, but as always there is something about volume, scale, and the total erasure of the human silhouette. All of which adds up to a final result that would traditionally be considered unflattering. Strange is the new sexy perhaps?? I’ll keep you posted as this look continues to develop.
And likewise, the detached collars I previously pointed out on Maura Higgins and Alex Consani in comedic fashion have returned to us on Rosamund Pike in a serious way. Keep a look out for more of this floating neckwear phenomenon! It’s like the Dior ruff’s corporate cousin; a Chippendales dancer with none of the motion of the ocean.
Clowncore for Adult Babies
Wowowow. Now, have you ever seen a garment where so many of my stupid, little pet theories collide? Atsuko Okatsuka, are you out there reading?? Because this romper checks many Mess boxes. It’s clowncore, of course, yet also fully adult baby between the print and these extremely diaper-esque shorts. And as if that wasn’t enough of an overt appeal to my particular sensibilities, there’s also these Stretch Armstrong double-long sleeves to consider. Again, I think we’re in for wayyy more fashions this year that render the wearer’s hands unusable. Conspicuous impracticality as a means of signaling leisure class status.
A Comeuppance
Way back when Sydney did the oopsie-daisies eugenics ad, I told you guys not to sweat it as she would surely receive her karma in the form of her many terrible red carpet fashions. And, well. Would you look at that! Justice has been served yet again. It’s the punishment that keeps on giving. Not only because of this very strangely altered 2007 Pierre Cardin dress, but because of what it symbolizes — the fact that luxury brands want to be excluded from this narrative. Which, of course, only makes me more excited to see what Syd’s fashion future holds for us and this newsletter!
A Black Tie Easter Brunch
Speaking of punishment. Kim is once again attempting to rage bait us in a way a decade of her abusing this very strategy has rendered completely ineffective, treating us to the absolute foolishness that is wearing a Fall 2002 Roberto Cavalli gown to Easter brunch in her own home and to play with her kids. We recently saw her go swimming in a museum-caliber Alexander McQueen original, so who is surprised. But what I don’t understand is why she insists on wearing clothes that do not fit her. Everything I see her in is dramatically too tight. This dress should not be rippling like that across her abdomen, it’s a telltale sign she tailored it too small. Kim must release the conviction that clothing has to show every inch of her body in graphic detail if she ever hopes to make one giant leap forward into the modern fashion era. And don’t even get me started on this choice in fur.
The Joutfit Returns
Just when you thought you were out, the joutfit pulls you back in. I thought the days of seeing swaths of denim repurposed into any old attire were well and truly behind us, gone with the days of relentless Julia Fox media coverage. And yet here is Love Island runner-up Olandria Carthen in Area suggesting we give distressed evening wear another spin around the block. I dream of the day we will finally be free of this dungaree pastiche, although I do enjoy that she kept things thematic here by turning the belt from these reimagined pants into a gorgeous choker. A vague callback to the corporate cousin of it all.
The Devil Wears Bloomers
As we wrap up here, I wanted to give a quick shoutout to Kelly Osbourne for embracing post-divorce anonymity in this behorned balaclava. The perfect accessory for those seeking attention with plausible deniability. I was also struck by her choice of bloomer, a Victorian (and Iris Law) staple we saw start to take off at the end of 2024. Between this and Atsuko’s saggy drawers above, these historical underpinnings seem poised to have a moment all over again.
And if you want to know what it was like to wear clothing circa 2010 as an indie sleaze darling, it was very much this top and jacket combo. The hold voluminous empire waist everything with a cropped moto jacket had over us was truly sinister.
Baker Brooklyn Unlocked
And finally, I couldn’t leave you today without a crucial update from the most delightfully dull man to ever grace these pages — Brooklyn Beckham. For his latest act of culinary provocation and prestidigitation, he is now pretending to be a baker and I obviously love that for him. You will never be able to convince me that he actually made this bread himself. That is a store-bought loaf slapped down on a spanking new pizza peel that has never so much as glimpsed the inside of an oven. The maestro of nutritional ineptitude strikes again! How does he do it!!!
Ok, well, I’m as forlorn as Lily Allen receiving a phone call that I have to tell you this, but that’s been today’s edition of Mess. I’ll see you back here next week with an EXCLUSIVE download of even more scintillating style. Later gators!
Next week, I promise a smorgasbord of hideous attire for your consumption behind the paywall. So consider helping out a pal in need with a sweet, little giftie:
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