I’ve been Diet Prada’d!
I mean, Angela Bassett did do the thing...
I went to the dentist this week, which of the litany of adult activities I’m required to perform has to be somewhere in my top 5 least favorite. I always think it’s so weird that I went to countless teeth maintenance seshs as a youth without ever questioning it, yet as an adult I’ve developed this serious aversion to the entire practice. But now, after an embarrassingly long hiatus from that medical field, the dentist has got me on an extremely tight leash in the form of a rigorous 6-month appointment schedule. It’s not even that I have anything wrong with my teeth, per se, so much as now that they’ve got me on this appointment treadmill I feel like they think they might as well lock me into as many dates as humanly possible before I defect again.
Anyway, I realized at this most recent appointment, it’s not actually going there or the cleaning itself that I can’t stand, but specifically the sound of those tools relentlessly scraping against my teeth that makes every cell in my body tense up and my fight or flight kick in. I’m also always amazed by the little charade the hygienist and I have to go through of putting on the headphones and picking out which show I want to watch during the appointment as if an episode of 90 Day Fiancé played at any volume could possibly stand a chance against that bone-chilling screech. Really, the best I can hope for is that the dulcet tones of Angela berating Michael for having an Instagram account just make the aggressive mechanical grinding reverberate ever so slightly less inside my skull.
Anyway. Enough of my irrelevant complaints about having and maintaining a human body. For those who were fooled by today’s clickbait title, it’s not a total lie as I was in fact Diet Prada’d, just not in the immediately cancelled sort of way you were probably imagining. Et voilà:
It’s cool how many of my friends this reached almost immediately, but I gotta say it also would’ve been nice if Diet Prada had tagged me for all their 3.3 million followers to find. And isn’t not tagging me kind of antithetical to their whole thing? Eh, whatever, I really should just stop tweeting out my ideas for free entirely and start saving them all up for you guys.
Additionally, I am choosing to interpret the headline of this NY Mag article about Caroline Polachek as a HUGE endorsement of this newsletter, and no one can tell me otherwise:
Inspired by a tweet asking if such an account already exists, I also started a Chanel Flops Instagram page this week as an act of public service. It is exactly as that name implies, a collection of all of the brand’s many sartorial failures as featured on celebs. I already have a folder of about 100 examples ready and raring to go, but I still feel like I can come up with a better name for the account…Please let me know if you have any brilliant name ideas or submissions for awful things Chanel has done to a famous person that you believe they must be held responsible for.
And, as always, the Discord filled with over 525 of your fellow Mess lovers beckons. Please drop in today and join the conversation!
Ok, the hour is nigh.
First things first, if you somehow made it through the week without seeing this performance yet, please. Treat yourself.
Personally, I feel like I haven’t encountered something this spectacularly cringey in an eon. It has the energy of Kendall Roy’s rap on Succession crossed with the This Is Hip-Hop! lady. Also, I thought Ariana DeBose was a theater person, why does she seem to be so winded throughout this entire performance? And, of course, even better than the sped-up shout-talking was the absolutely devastating cuts back to an utterly baffled sea of stars completely unprepared for what they were witnessing transpire before them. Truly some Bravo-caliber shady editing.
I also saw this headline and was reminded of a rule I’ve always personally lived by which is: Never, ever cheat on a pop star. Their stans are legion. Those people will make it their business to make sure you live a vaguely uncomfortable life for the rest of your days. And considering it’s Shakira they pissed off, I think it’s safe to say these two just lost access to the entirety of the Spanish-speaking world.
I also wanted to provide you all with a little update on Leo after his PR team put their sympathy feelers out last week. And, yes, he is still trying very, very hard to shake this nasty reputation you’ve all thrust upon him!!! For all you know, he could be about to embark on a very serious and profound four-year relationship with that young woman. A woman who has been able to legally gamble for six whole months now, FOR YOUR INFORMATION. Shame on you all.
And while Leo is struggling to get in to an age-appropriate relationship, Megan is still struggling to get out of hers. But regardless, things still seem to be trending positively. I’m very happy to hear that these two continue to be in a bad place as the rest of us were most definitely in a bad place the entire time they were together so it only seems fair.
And in further odd couple news, what the hell is happening out there. Were you guys aware this was going on and no one told me??? Tim Burton is apparently the Pete Davidson of the Boomer generation because I’m now looking back and realizing that he has a dating history filled with some inexplicable hotties, including Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, and now Monica Bellucci, who is truly one of the most beautiful women to ever grace the planet. I feel like this does make a certain amount of sense as Tim seems like the polar opposite of Monica’s ex-husband Vincent Cassel, who I am still not over the fact that he went on to marry a literal teenager after her. While I do want Monica to be happy and I do want to believe in true love again, at the same time, as someone on Twitter said to me, I would also like all of our hot women to remember they’re hot again.
And I’ve said this before, but I just have to say it again: Are we sure about this?? There’s still time to pull the plug. I mean, HBO did it to Minx mid-filming, they can do it again! I truly don’t know who they’re even banking on the target audience being at this point…Marisa Abela stans? Sam Taylor-Johnson apologists?? Because I like Industry as much as the next guy, but from the moment the first set photo from this Amy Winehouse biopic dropped, I’ve exclusively seen people absolutely begging for this Spirit halloween impression to stop.
On the topic of celebrity impersonators, Alexis Stone has struck again! This time at the Diesel show, and while I love Alexis and think his work can be stupefyingly impressive, this look really didn’t sell me on the Jennifer Coolidge fantasy. The face feels off in the way those deep fake filters so often do, a simulacrum projected through a concave lens. And once you see video of this red carpet moment, there’s no there there to the imitation. I actually think this would’ve been lightyears better if Diesel had actually gotten Jennifer to show up as well so they could’ve done a red carpet twinning moment, but my sneaking suspicion is that they invited Alexis because the real deal turned them down. And I’m actually glad she did because I’d be mad as hell if Diesel made the actual Jennifer look this bad.
My biggest complaint of the week, however, is all about hats. Why aren’t the girls wearing them?! I understand that there’s a well-founded fear when it comes to tacking on too many needless accessories, especially one as statement-making and potentially face-obscuring as a jaunty chapeau. But when the couture already comes with the item built-in, why not toss it into the mix? That said, I can see very clearly why Anne Hathaway opted not to wear this extremely afro-adjacent tulle topper, but you’re telling me Valentino really couldn’t have whipped one of these up for her in a different colorway? And in my opinion, there is no actress out there currently more equipped to handle the extreme drama of a wide-brimmed boater fashioned out of a spray of lilac than Mrs. Nicole Kidman. This woman is ready to give us a Celine Dion-caliber couture renaissance at any moment if we’d just let her.
Now these girls get it. Although, I have to say, despite Florence Pugh being the one who first turned me on to the concept of the return of a statement headpiece earlier this month, Jodie Turner-Smith really trumped her here. Of course, both looks were worn to the Harris Reed runway show where these sorts of sculptural bonnets are his signature, but hopefully now that everyone’s seen how unbelievably cool Jodie looks it will inspire other stars to start embracing the over-the-top potential.
And all in all, it’s been a HUGE week for Mess fashion predictions. This outfit worn by Noah Cyrus to Milan Fashion Week in particular feels like that grand culmination of everything we’ve been discussing in this newsletter for the last three years. Not only is it fully sheer and hooded, but the boobs are also out and pastie-less and the g-string is g-stringing. I’m both immensely proud of my trend forecasting abilities, and genuinely frightened at the power I wield. But if you’ve ever dismissed my trend analysis as just a little jokey-joke, I’m going to need you to put some respect on my name pronto.
Because not only did we witness Noah in full Mess drag this week, but also Kahyun Kim who used her ensemble at the premiere of Cocaine Bear to create a very literal homage to the film, complete with winking teddy bear pasties and a concealed baggie of fake drugs. Why does it feel like, my entire career has been leading to this very moment?
But also, when even Sarah Michelle Gellar is giving full uncensored nip on the ‘gram, it’s like I said when Sam Smith wore pasties a month ago, it seems like we’ve already reached the mainstream tipping point. With the sudden embrasure of total female nudity, at least on the upper half, it’s very hard for me to conceive of where the pursuit of scandalous and sensational dress goes from here. But you better believe I will be documenting every second of it.
And on that note, I’m sorry to report that our foremost liberator of the nipple, Janelle Monáe, is the latest celeb to fall prey to the Mugler catsuit. And with the brand’s forthcoming collection for H&M that I’m sure will feature this exact look in every color of the rainbow, I have a feeling a huge swath of the general public is about to fall victim as well. Resist the bargain, beloveds!
After giving us that custom breast and abdomen sculpture at the Brit Awards last week, Ellie Goulding pulled a Kyle Kuzma, returning to the BAFTA red carpet in these insanely long sleeves that she could not stop swishing around all over the place. I like the idea of this dress, but I really hated every thing she was doing in it. At one point, she even picked it up so she could tip toe down the red carpet like Daffy Duck sneaking up on someone. And I know no celebrity in the world believes this, but it is a matter of fact that certain garments require certain things of the wearer in order to pull them off successfully. And this particular gown requires that Ellie’s arms be kept firmly at her sides for maximum drama and minimal double, double, toil, and trouble. As always, I genuinely think that models should be hired by these types of people as movement consultants. I know that sounds insane, but it could also save so many celebrities from so much foolishness.
Or they could just hire Michelle Yeoh who clearly already understands how it’s done, using the BAFTAs to perfectly demonstrate exactly how you keep those big jewelry checks coming. And why stop here? Give this woman ten more watches to promote, I’m ready to buy them all. Timmy Chalamet take note.
Speaking of models, Rosie Huntington-Whitely came out swinging, sartorially speaking, at that same award show with this peekaboo pussy maxi skirt. And while I think it’s an incredibly strong concept — especially in the face of our new blasé attitude towards full breast exposure — unfortunately, the execution is no good. While I get that she can’t just be full vag out on the red carpet, this bodysuit is absolutely not the resolution to that conflict. Not only is it ruining all of the skirt’s upper cutouts, but it’s also not even the same color black! I think this problem could maybe be solved by ending the cutouts right where the legs meet, so you still get just the bottom triangle of frontal thong peeking out, but I understand the thrill of the garment is the promise of exposure that goes all the way to the top. Unfortunately, this feels like a pubis-baring problem only Julia Fox can solve.
And the same way Katy Perry can’t get enough of those costumes based on office supply products, Anya Taylor-Joy also seems to have a serious cape fixation. She’s the celeb who first gave me the idea for the Hollywood Supes movement and she’s continued to bear out that comic book theory ever since. I know she is supposed to be a real high fashion girl, at least that’s how she’s been marketed to me this whole time, but Anya and her outfits really do not move me in the slightest. I think the look on the left washes her out completely and should’ve been reproduced in a different color to compliment how extraordinarily pale she is, and I think the outfit on the right just makes her look like a giant sexy baby on the way to its baptism.
I haven’t bothered to explore this idea beyond the cursory thought I had upon first seeing this image, so take everything I’m about to say with a big grain of salt, but Maya Hawke leaving the Prada show immediately set off some Kristen Stewart for Chanel sirens in my brain. There’s an “I’m here, but just barely” attitude combined with an outfit that is probably technically what the brand sent over, but not at all how they intended it to be styled, and infinitely cooler because of that fact. Does that make any sense at all?
I also feel like I’ve been biting my tongue regarding Fendi’s new assault on feet for weeks now. While I can see the appeal of this very Barbie snap-on wedge, I think that appeal is also incredibly dependent on their context and the contexts Fendi is always putting them in are some of the worst. Like juxtaposing this Obi-Wan Kenobi couture with what is clearly a Romy and Michele piece of footwear.
And now that we’re firmly on the topic of fashion week, may I ask, why has Bella Thorne been at every single show? I’m not complaining! Just curious…
Likewise, Lisa Rinna has been assaulting me with FROW appearances for weeks now, and this teapot cozy she wore to Richard Quinn is literally the only good thing to come out of it. Rinna is so thin I wish she would play more with proportion and body-obscuring stuff like this because she could really pull it off. And all that hyper-sexy stuff she’s been wearing just feels so try-hard and press hungry. At least it’s very on-brand though, I suppose.
And while you already know I’m a serious supporter of all of Cardi B’s fashion endeavors, I just wanted to once again highlight this woman’s serious commitment to the tabi, wearing two different pairs of Margiela’s iconic split-toe shoe to perform her community service (DON’T COMMIT CRIMES! OBEY THE LAW!). The footwear combined with that torso-sized Chanel bag gave me huge Naomi Campbell picking up trash in Dolce & Gabbana couture flashbacks. For those not familiar with the absolutely legendary image on the far right, in 2000, the supermodel plead guilty to assaulting her former assistant with her Blackberry and was ordered to perform five days of community service with New York City’s sanitation department, culminating in this straight off the runway moment which was meant to be a big “fuck you” to the press and the public who expected this to be a humiliating experience for Naomi.
And on the subject of supermodel behavior, just a reminder that this is the woman Tom Brady is trying to have a thirst trap-off with right now….ok, buddy. Meanwhile, I love that Gisele has just fallen right back into crop tops and Vogue covers post-divorce like she never even left.
And in light of our previous speculation about what exactly is going on with Travis Scott that has sent Kylie into overtime PR spin mode, I thought this was an interesting little tidbit. How are her and Kim’s breakups so similar? Father of their children, sure, but Kim had to navigate a divorce process with one of the most famous men on the planet as he had a full, very public mental breakdown culminating in him becoming a passionate advocate of nazism…..Kylie and Travis just have an on-again, off-again relationship because he refuses to get rid of his roster of side chicks. And sure, Travis is responsible for the death of ten people, but that never seemed to trouble the family before, so what’s changed? Hm. Only time and Mess’s top sleuths will tell.
And while it doesn’t seem possible, we got even more pictures from Kim’s alien editorial that I didn’t realize until this week was all shot by Harmony Korine. How does this manage to have the exact aesthetic of Spring Breakers with none of the exuberance whatsoever? It’s like a weird, sanitized version of Harmony. No drugs, no freaky stuff, I feel like the only telltale sign he’s involved is the odd number of unflattering crotch-centric shots in this series. And before we move on, do her proportions on the left not look particularly insane? Did she make herself……..longer?
(BTW I feel like we don’t talk enough about how good Spring Breakers is. I find that movie to be genuinely haunting.)
And last but not least, here’s an actual portrait of me still thinking that Kim has the potential to start making genuinely provocative and conversation-worthy content again.
Well……I’m about ready to face plant like Alexander Skarsgard at the premiere of his own movie, so I should probably call it quits for today.
If you couldn’t tell by the starling appearance of those two, big, ruby buttons above, you’ve reached the conclusion of yet another edition of Mess. For those who’ve read all 3,500 words of the above dreck and detritus only to discover that they wish to pursue even further exposure therapy to these abject horrors, please sign yourself up for a paid subscription to this newsletter posthaste. And then turn right back around, refresh that browser, and sign up each and every person in your life for a free subscription as well. And after everything you just accomplished, why not go and buy yourself some truly sumptuous Mess Merch to celebrate?
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Baby, you’re a firework!