It's not clocking to you
...that I'm standing on business.
Greetings and salutations!!!
As I said on Wednesday, I’m back in Brooklyn and have traded in the wide open spaces of Southern Maine for the bleak four walls of my apartment which I’ve barely left in the last three days. I returned to the city thinking that I had a chill week ahead of me with not much on my plate only to be totally blindsided by my own professional to-do list.
This has turned into one of those weeks where it’s like, oh, you want to be a professional writer, huh? Then why don’t you write from dawn until dusk every single day of your life. Why don’t you marry writing if you love it so much???? Which as all full-time writers know is actually both the blessing and curse of doing this as a full-time job. Born to have vague musings of creativity, forced to produce concrete pieces of prose in exchange for cold, hard cash. While it is truly a gift to be so booked and busy and there are times when I prayed for weeks like this, I feel like I’ve been churning out copy nonstop to the point that words no longer have any meaning and it is impossible for me to discern what is a coherent, let alone good, sentence. So apologies in advance for any notably wonky exposition you encounter below, my last brain cell is struggling to do the best it can. But also, you are the final BELOVED hurdle standing in between this endless deluge of wordsmithery and my weekend.
In more upbeat updates, me relentlessly shoving my face and words into every corner of the internet seems to finally be paying off because I got recognized on the subway!? Momma, I made it! I’m a star!!! Apologies to that fan if you’re reading this as she asked if I “post fashion videos on Instagram,” and my gut reaction to that query was, “ew, no!” And then as she continued to describe me back to me it slowly dawned on me that actually that is exactly what I do. As always, I hate to be perceived both digitally and IRL, but I am enormously flattered that anyone bothers to consume my work in any capacity.
Anyway, in case you missed it, I wrote a new essay this week on some ideas I’ve been mulling over in my Ways of Seeing book club about how publicity is used to manufacture “glamour,” and what that means for celebrities in our current oversaturated, overly accessible fame ecosystem. I love taking Berger’s 1972 theories and applying them to what’s going down artistically in 2025, and I hope my summaries of his writings have provided some interesting framework for your own thoughts on the subject as well.
I also posted a new YouTube video this week recapping many of my favorite fashions from the month of May. Hidden in there is also a brief summary of some of the best outfits from the Pornhub Awards, although I recommend just making the $5 investment to see all of the fabulousness that transpired on that red carpet:
I also talked to my old pal Katie Chow for her latest story for Men’s Health about The Materialists and the way that film grapples with plastic surgery. There’s a nice quote from my podmate Jessica DeFino in there as well. Fun fact: Katie is the reason why I call you all Messketeers! So if you don’t like that standom moniker, you can take it up with her directly.
Oh, and today’s headline is, of course, from that infinitely quotable clip of Justin Bieber (very justifiably!!!) yelling at the paparazzi.
On y va!
To begin today’s litany of Mess, I know some of you out there get very heated when I use this email to tell you I told you so, but, well……..I told you so! A KarJenner wearing latex again does in fact equal a recession indicator!
Someone on Instagram tried to argue with me about this statement claiming that Kylie just has different aesthetic personas she puts on that correlate to her various wares and diffusion lines. Well, yes. It’s almost like fashion is a form of marketing and this particular piece of fashion is intended to play off your nostalgia for this family’s Yeezy era — or more specifically in this case, King Kylie era — which was also the height of the family’s cultural hegemony and influence just like I said…..And then what do you know, along with the resurgence of these rubber garments comes the announcement that Kylie is relaunching the product that her “billion dollar” makeup empire is founded upon — the Lip Kit. Except this time around it’s glossy instead of chalk dry, right on time to capitalize off those other recent nostalgia market plays, the return of Lancôme’s Juicy Tubes and MAC’s reformulated Lip Glass.
And in case all of that wasn’t enough to prove the point of what’s really going on here, I’d just like to add that this image of Kylie on the left is also a shot for shot recreation of an image of Claudia Schiffer from a 1994 edition of Elle. A supermodel whose 90s wardrobe Kylie has been buying up the same way Kim did Naomi Campbell’s before her. It’s my horcrux theory in action, once again!
Kennedy Rage Bait
Now, I don’t really want to talk about the way Ryan Murphy has taken a massive dump upon the legacy of Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy’s wardrobe, but the discourse has reached such a fever pitch that I feel I must toss my two cents into the deluge. Especially now that Ryan has gone on a full PR offensive against the digital trolls.
For starters, I would just like to say that I was not surprised in the slightest to see how bad every image from this television show looks. And you better believe I will be watching regardless!!! As a former American Horror Story AND American Crime Story fan, nothing Ryan could do at this point would shock me. I have witnessed and bravely weathered the lowest of the content lows in consuming the media he produces. This man makes Lifetime movies on a billion-dollar Netflix budget. The idea that he would ever, in any universe, do this fashion icon justice is ludicrous. The slop programming he’s been churning out over the last couple of years should have disabused all of us of that notion by now.
However, I am incredibly thankful for all of the hate commentary in response to this apparel because it has led to Ryan’s gorgeously defensive rebuttal. He called up my fav Puck’s Lauren Sherman to set the record straight, providing her with a laundry list of all of the exact pieces of archival fashions from Carolyn’s closet that they purchased for actress Sarah Pidgeon to wear on the show. Which hilariously misses the point of all this public outrage because the question isn’t if they have them, it’s why is she not wearing them. Ryan says that’s because the internet is blowing a couple of camera test images of the actors out of proportion and OBVIOUSLY they are going to wear the real, good vintage stuff when filming the actual show. Except he seems to have forgotten that part of this response is also due to the paparazzi images we have seen from the actual filming which are also godawful! Aritzia-fied girl boss from head to toe. Honestly, he should have just hired Hailey Bieber or Sofia Richie’s stylists to handle all of this as those girls are never not doing some solid Carolyn cosplay.
Socklette Samurai
As a little palette cleanser, let’s now take a gander at Tom Brady’s no-show socklettes which are all too visible in this image he posted from his trip to Japan. I’m not really in a position to judge when it comes to sock length considering, as a millennial, I am guilty of wearing these very tootsie slipcovers myself back in the day. But, by now, we should all know that flashing this much foot dorsum, especially on the gram, is a serious faux pas.
Although, on the other hand, longtime readers know how I feel about men showing toe (lewd! slutty!), so at the very least this is a preferable alternative to that. Mostly, I just continue to be utterly delighted by Tom’s divorcé content era. As I’ve highlighted numerous times in this email, no one is posting wine mom Pinterest quotes quite like this man. Growing up in New Hampshire a true Brady hater, I never could’ve guessed that I’d wind up being an evangelical stan of his social media presence, but here we are.
And, all that aside, how gorgeous is the man on the left’s hakama pants? Now that’s an androgynous look I’d love to see hit the red carpet circuit.
Skant Revival
On the subject of Mess Muses, it’s been ages since former newsletter staple Rita Ora has graced these pages, but I wanted to use her latest outfit as a jumping off point to convey to you a piece of boots-on-the-ground reporting I picked up while in Maine. And much like the previous piece of Portland-centric gossip regarding Balenciaga and Nordstrom Rack I relayed to you back in 2023, it’s a doozy. Word on the street is…….skirts over pants are making a serious comeback amongst the city’s foremost hipsters!
I, shockingly, have no opinion on this latest iteration of the aughts revival. Despite my love for casting judgements/aspersions, I am actually extremely open minded when it comes to the implementation of fashion trends. Everything has the potential to be executed well or poorly, it’s all just a matter of taste. And when it comes to Rita above, I don’t think it’s being implemented particularly well, but I can appreciate the vision. What I think is going to make all the difference when it comes to this burgeoning trend is a solid sense of proportion. Like even just chopping the skirt above into a mini I think would change the whole look around.
Farmers Market Photo Opp
And I know today’s musings are exceedingly random and far-flung, but here’s something else I’ve been thinking about for a hot minute that I feel compelled to share with you today. A burning question has been on the tip of my tongue: Is the Los Angeles farmers market the new Delilah? Has the flower stand overtaken the Sushi Park pap stroll?? I first started thinking about this last year post The Bear season 3 at the height of Jeremy Allen White mania when the actor was in the midst of a divorce, dating (but mostly smoking cigs) with Rosalía, and could not, would not stop getting papped picking up massive bouquets every single weekend.
At the time, I just thought it was a creative new venue for being publicly documented demonstrating soft boi behavior, and you all know my love for a bouquet being used as a prop. But cut to the past couple of weeks and now Jodie Turner-Smith has likewise been hitting up the same stalls for the same OTT floral arrangements and has been receiving the same staged photography treatment. Not only that, but Jodie is likewise in the midst of her own divorce turmoil as multiple stories about the contentious custody battle between her and her ex Joshua Jackson have recently appeared in the press. And the above is not a bad piece of counter programming to that tabloid narrative. Someone tell Brady to scooch on over here in his stockinged feet and get to strolling!
Joutfits Are So Jover.
And to round out today’s missive, here is a reader-submitted joutfit that was causing some distress in our chat, so I figured I’d address it. Even though I would normally never include such apparel as, on the most basic level, my issue with this ensemble is that Ciara is WILDLY too late to the denim-on-denim trend spearheaded by Julia Fox back in 2023. But if we dive into the specifics of what’s gone awry here, Canadian tuxedo aside, much as with Rita, there is a serious issue with proportion. Specifically, the fine line between oversized and ill-fitting. This blazer is ill-fitting, the wrong shade of blue, and also completely unnecessary. The whole outfit would be drastically improved by its removal. I think the skirt is too matchy-matchy and should’ve been a totally different hue and/or texture. And finally, the boots. I am baffled by these bad boys. Why is the shoe a different color than the shaft? Did they just take the scraps from some DIY jorts and tuck them into the top of these thigh-high boots? Because that certainly looks like what they did and it would also explain why they’re so strangely baggy and shapeless. I never thought I’d see the day that I actually feel nostalgic for those terrible R13 trompe l’oeil cowboy boots all the girls were wearing to the Revolve tent at Coachella way back when.
Ok, mes chéris! That’s the smattering of slovenly content I have to share with you today. I hope you’ve found something here to make you chuckle before going merrily on your way into this gorgeous weekend full of chicness. Bisous!!!!
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As always you’ve left me with sooo many thoughts but I have to say I will never see another Hailey Bieber outfit without thinking “Carolyn Bessette cosplay” - an astute observation