I'll have what Kris Jenner is having
The girls are fighting!!
Howdy doody, folks!
Hope your June is off to a gorgeous start. I’ve returned with another scintillating download of slop.
I had the pleasure of ringing in the month by celebrating a friend’s birthday and at that party I was in turn bestowed with the great honor and privilege of getting to explain what a Labubu is to all of my normal 30-something friends. May you all be so blessed one day. The immense popularity of this particular object does raise some incredible questions, such as “why?” And, “for how much?” But also, at the end of the day, it really is just the Beanie Baby reincarnated and every millennial can quickly tap into the nonsensical need they once felt for that plush animal. Personally, I feel they’re primed for a recession comeback tour.
The other excellent new development to come out of that meet-up is that I am now slowly convincing all of my friends to get into basketweaving! It’s taken them years to come around to even being willing to hear me talk about the craft, but now we’ve finally got some real momentum brewing. Kits are being ordered, difficulty levels are being assessed, and some reeds are about to get soaked. Basket fever is sweeping Brooklyn. Don’t be surprised when you see me pop out with a stand at the local farmer’s market this summer.
The only other thing of note I have to share with you today is that a very good, cheap juice place recently opened up by my apartment and it’s amazing the way it has turned my whole attitude around. Maybe it’s all the fruit nutrients I’m suddenly imbibing. The only issue is that I seem to be the only person actually patronizing that establishment. I have never seen another customer in there. Because of this I have become a one-woman marketing machine for this place, telling every person I talk to in the neighborhood that they need to go check it out because I need them to stay open. My smoothie sales alone are not going to pay the rent.
Anyway, when not pioneering the shop local beverages movement, as we mentioned on this month’s podcast, Jess and I have big plans to launch a book club in the very near future! The readings will mostly be theory and critique from across various academic disciplines, but all viewed through the lens of beauty and fashion and I think it will be a lot of fun! Full details still TBD as we figure out some stuff on the back end, but I am excited to talk shop with you guys soon!
Also, as promised, this is your friendly reminder that I’m going to livestream the Tony Awards red carpet on Sunday night starting at 5:30 pm EST! You can sign up to get notified about that on Substack or YouTube. See you there!
Ok, well, no time like the present!
(And please admire the new custom email dividers designed by the one and only genius behind this newsletter’s logo, Tate Obayashi of
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I simply must begin today with some very important relationship status updates. Namely, this troubling image Chris Hughes posted to his Instagram Stories of himself and JoJo Siwa just to firmly dispel any lingering doubts I may have expressed to you last week about the veracity of their love. I do not appreciate being invited into their post-coital cuddle in this manner. I did not consent to this. No means no, JoChris.
By now, you’ve likely seen the viral tweet comparing this image to that of a mom with their newborn doing skin-to-skin contact for the first time. A deadly accurate assessment. As was mine it turns out about these two being the exact same brand of fame monster. This is the best career move both of them could’ve possibly made at this particular juncture. As I’ve said before, I love their love for attention. I want absolutely nothing to do with it, but conceptually I can appreciate that they are tabloid maestros cooking up a viral masterpiece.
As for the Kylie Jenner suitcase shot that sent everyone into a tizzy this week, this type of reaction to what is very clearly an attention trap is unfortunately exactly why this family will never not be famous. Just look upon this suitcase flat lay for five seconds with a detached, critical eye. This is very clearly artfully arranged for our consumption. This is not packing, this is influencer spon con product shot 101. Everything is placed with enormous intention, especially the lingerie in the Knicks color palette. Don’t fall for the clickbait, beloveds.
The Kardashians Try Radical Honesty
Speaking of performative transparency, Kylie choosing to disclose the exact details of her breast implants a decade after the fact is not the radical “girl’s girl” act that it is being sold to you as.
This family has majorly profited off of their plastic surgery and it’s obfuscation, selling their fans products based off their own artificially altered physiques, lest we so quickly forget about the diarrhea-inducing FitTea and waist trainer era. I mean, hell, they’re still doing it! What is Skims except the next evolution of that same old racket. Kim is literally selling the deeply discounted version of her own medical interventions, from the shapewear that squeezes you smaller to the padded-out hips, butts, and boobs complete with fully articulated, perma-hard nipples.
Plus, as someone who was a lowly fashion blogger at People at the time of Kylie’s original boob job circa 2016, I will never forget or forgive her for the narrative she was actively pedaling at the time that this was all natural and just due to her period. It’s that tired “I over-line my lips” excuse all over again. I actually can’t believe she hasn’t launched some KHY padded bra off the back of all this forthcomingness.
Facelifts For All
Because, of course, the family’s recent shift towards “honesty” when it comes to the nips and tucks transpiring not so secretly before our very eyes over the past 15-odd years is really just a new relatability PR tactic. And as always, it is something I was on the internet telling them to do yearrrrrsssss ago and that now feels way too late.
I also think it’s quite telling who in the family is suddenly being transparent and what exactly they’re choosing to divulge. It feels like they’re making calculated choices about who amongst them this tactic will work best for and pacing out the revelations for maximum impact. Kris, of course, is an easy sacrificial lamb. She’s 69 and has talked openly about many of her procedures in the past. And Kylie already turned begrudgingly copping to plumped lips into a “billion” dollar business, leaving the door ajar for future disclosures. Now, do you think we’ll ever get a big reveal from the self-made supermodel Kendall? I feel like maybe in the ghost-written memoir 50 years from now. And I’ve never understood why Kim hasn’t laid it all out there already. The way she could’ve raked in the medical ad money being the poster girl of the BBL movement…. And as I’ve said before, she’s already got the wardrobe full of post-surgical compression garments, she might as well lean all the way into the “Makeover Madness” of it all.
Also this t-shirt is so weird and funny to me because obviously it’s the Kardashians’ attempt at meme-ifying this viral Kris Jenner facelift moment, but they’re doing it in their classic, very dated, millennial way. Perhaps you’ll recall when Khloé wore that “get your fucking ass up and work” tee like a million years too late? This is a go-to move of theirs.
Anyway, it’s great because when applied to this particular situation, all this slogan is actually saying is that the wearer would like to get a facelift. Like if Chris and Kim will have what Kris is having……..they are having a facelift from Dr. Steven Levine. Seems like something they should be hashing out with the doc, not the general public. Although something tells me, being the Type A individual that she is, Kim already has all of her facelifts pre-booked out to her 100th birthday.
Where Is Miss J When You Need Her?
Now, listen. I’m no supporter of the carceral system, but whoever told Alix Earle to pose like this needs to be locked up immediately. Hello? 911? I need to report a modeling murder. No matter what Sports Illustrated would have you believe, there is nothing casual or sexy about this thigh-jutting runway pose. And while Alix may have been the most aggressive with the leg pop, she was far from the only one at the SI Swimsuit Runway Show hitting this precise angle which tells me there was a saboteur advising them all backstage that this would be a great idea. Sinister stuff. I also don’t understand why, if that’s the look they were going for, they didn’t just let them all wear stilettos like a normal runway??
Mannequin Challenge
Unfortunately, I do think this outfit is better than the vast majority of things I’ve seen Sydney Sweeney wearing recently. However, that said, it’s not very good. But what I do love about it is it’s this year’s “breasts made strange again” trend applied to one of the most famous, all-American sets we’ve got, which I think is a powerfully subversive tool Syd could be leveraging to her advantage more often.
So, obviously, I like the uncanny dress form effect of this Alexander McQueen top and the way all that pleated tulle almost looks like a weird wood grain. However, the outfit immediately starts to lose me from the waist down. This is a great example of just because something is styled together on the runway doesn’t mean it necessarily should be in real life. Also, on the runway, this top didn’t just have a long sheer piece that flapped around in the back, but also one that went under the front of the skirt and peaked out the bottom giving it a more unified feel. This just looks like a negligee butt cape. And I fear the choice in handbag and shoe are suffering from Julia Fox syndrome.
The Return of the Mad Hatterpillar
In more upbeat fashion news, this is exactly why I love Chappell Roan. She is Lady Gaga for a new generation supplying me with exactly the level of elaborate, high fashion spectacle I require. For her guest look on Drag Race All Stars, she went as a blow-up sex doll scissoring with a real blow up sex doll. An outfit that could not be any more perfectly within the Mess wheelhouse. It’s celebrity fashion’s obsession with the sex shop laid bare. Also, finally, a deployment of Pleasers I can fully support. They’re clearly an extension of the look here rather than a styling crutch.
I was already over the moon about all the pumped-up latex on the left, and then I saw Chappell’s multi mini-headed outfit for her performance in Poland. A commenter on Instagram pointed out that this costume is extremely that one caterpillar that wears all its old head exoskeletons as hats, and I must concur! To fully understand all of the layers of surprise reveals and attention to detail that went into this outfit that had to be completed in six days, I highly recommend you go watch the designer Gunnar Deatherage’s video about the making of it. It’s incredible. This is the level of luxury and the employment of true artisans that I am always attempting to bully rich people into doing more of. Hopefully, seeing Chappell in looks this major will also help make them come to their senses.
Rain On Me
Someone over at Prada has heard my parasol prayers and answered them gorgeously. Ok, sure, it’s a full-sized umbrella, whatever. The point is that it’s clearly custom as it matches Maya Hawke’s Prada dress exactly and it appears to be totally useless for actual weather as it’s made out of silk. This is merely the tip of the iceberg, my friends. A wide world of wildly impractical sunshade stylings lies before us and I can’t wait to dive in!
Vamp Business
And finally, I saw this image of Playboi Carti on reddit where someone was asking why the hell he was bothering to wear a belt at all when sagging to this degree. But personally, I find something about this particular silhouette to be unintentionally inspired. I like the head obscuring, almost spherical volume of the puffer and hoodie juxtaposed against the slim spandex-ed thigh. And there’s something about the idea of designing a pair of trompe l’oeil sagged pants like this that’s very Demna to me. This seems like a sight gag right up Vetements’ oversized alley. Also the inner thigh porthole created by exposing this much boxer brief feels like the fresh take on cutouts we’ve been waiting for. It’s Viktor & Rolf Spring 2010 applied to men’s trousers. I feel like someone like Telfar also did this recently, inserting a thigh gap tunnel into a maxi skirt. Let me know if you know what I’m thinking of in the comments!
Ok, my little ducklings! I hope to chat with you all again at length on the Tonys stream this Sunday, but either way I’ll see you all back here next week for another longwinded installment of whatever the hell this email is. Later, dudettes!
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