Hulk Hogan Does Not Have Hooters Money
Kim Kardashian could actually be your lawyer now.
Howdy!
And a gorgeous Memorial Day long weekend to all those who celebrate. I write this to you after waking up at 4am to make the trek to Maine with Fran and a cadre of pals. I am exhausted but I feel this level of delirium is probably indistinguishable from the usual levels of delirium I bring to the formation of this email, so we should still be all good to go.
The weather up here is not exactly kick off to summer vibes, more like a ceaseless torrential downpour. But even so, it’s great to be tucked away in this cozy cabin cooking up a storm, warming myself in front of a roaring fire, and cackling with a big group of friends. And you better believe Fran is positively giddy over the whole situation. She has been galloping about the house at full speed from dawn until dusk, eating copious amounts of grass (one of her greatest passions in life), attempting to goad a very elderly, noncompliant dog into playing with her at every turn, and generally attempting to insert herself and her cuteness into people’s very important work calls.
Of course, I really didn’t help myself out at all in this pre-dawn travel situation as instead of packing my bags and then tucking in early to get some much-need shuteye, I made the very 25-year-old decision to instead spend the evening prior to this getaway out at a club which is perhaps the most un-me statement that’s ever been written in this newsletter. My club going days are loooong behind me and barely even existed way back then. But if they did exist it was entirely because of one of my nearest and dearest college friends who is a professional DJ. That is who once again got me out of the house and my warm bed this week as he now tours with the rapper Aminé who hosted a listening party for his new album, 13 Months of Sunshine. It was very fun to see my friend at work and think back on all the times in our early 20s when I’d meet him at whatever hotel lobby he was curating the soundscape of. Although standing for three hours straight while my whole body was vibrating from bass did make me truly feel my age again.
Getting to go to these shows and stand in the VIP section has also now ruined me for all future concerts. It’s like getting upgraded to first class on a plane and finally seeing how the other half is living up there while you’re getting your knee caps crushed back in coach. On the bright side, I did make one non-25-year-old choice that night, which is that I was also invited to the afterparty, briefly considered pulling an all-nighter and said, you know what, that sounds horrible. I’d rather take a tight two-hour nap. Progress! The wisdom of age!!!
Anyway, now that I’ve laid my self-imposed sleepless saga before you, I’m going to keep the rest of this email pretty short and sweet today (for me, at least), especially after I drowned you in back-to-back content last week.
The only minor housekeeping notes I have to share is that I recapped the 2025 Pornhub Awards red carpet for my precious paid subscribers, truly one of my favorite red carpets of the whole year. Honestly, maybe even better than the Met Gala for my money:
My best friend also suggested the other day that I do a Eurovision fashion recap and I think that’s a fantastic idea, so I’m going to work on that for paid subs next week. Mostly, I just want an excuse to wax poetic for 3000 words on Tommy Cash, a star tailor-made for the Mess universe if ever there was one. And I also composed yet another YouTube video recapping the month of April for your time-efficient perusal:
Oh yeah, and regarding today’s title, I read a headline that Hulk Hogan is considering buying the recently bankrupt Hooters chain and the second I saw that I thought, there is no way in hell this man has Hooters acquisition money. And after looking into it for a hot second, it turns out I was right, he does not! The Real American Beer company is the one actually looking into purchasing the franchise, a company which Hogan is a co-founder of, which I’m going to say is a fancy title for glorified brand ambassador. Except they’re not even attempting to acquire the franchise but rather just its IP which it sounds like they then plan to slap on any and every piece of merch they can get their mitts on. Someone please save this beautiful American institution and intellectual property from such a tragic fate, brothers.
Now, with that out of the way, let’s get a quick gander at this garb and then I’ll send y’all on your merry way.
The Cannes Crackdown
We need to start today by talking about the Cannes Film Festival’s new dress code because I was going to leave it at last week’s headline which I thought was sufficient in cutting to the core of how stupid all of these rules exclusively applied to women’s attire really are. And then I saw the Gaurav Gupta opening ceremony dress that Halle Berry was originally going to wear on the opening ceremony red carpet and was then told that she could not because the train was too long, and I am incensed anew. This. THIS is that dress. Are you fucking kidding me?? The train isn’t even that long! Maybe three feet max.
Are these people aware that they are running a red carpet that famously features a substantial set of stairs? And you know what looks fantastic on stairs? Dress trains. Long ones! Also, you know what generates tons of coverage every single year for this fancy film event that would otherwise receive zero coverage from American tabloids?? Incredibly naked supermodels and A-list actresses attending these premieres.
So why is the festival shooting itself in the foot in this way? To my mind, this is a very obvious and direct response to that actress Massiel Taveras who attended last year in that dress with the fifty foot train featuring a very depressing and gaunt portrait of Jesus and then proceeded to get in a physical altercation with that one security guard lady who was fighting every famous person last year. And much like their own over-zealous employee, in an attempt to stop this from happening again and generating more negative press for the event, the festival has now likewise had an extreme overreaction that is completely misplaced. Especially as we are talking about the South of France here, a place where a bare breast is never not visible.
I actually expected much more of an aesthetic protest to these weird, puritanical rules like when they tried to enforce high heels as the only acceptable footwear several years back prompting Kristen Stewart to rip off her Louboutins and walk the red carpet barefoot. Why do this event’s delegates hate free PR. Let the girls peacock in peace, please.
Root Canal Couture
Not that they aren’t still finding ways to peacock around these pointlessly strict rules. Louis Vuitton finally figured out how to make an attractive version of that thatched cottage roof they kept inflicting on every famous person back in 2022. I love Emma Stone’s dress for the premiere of Eddington at Cannes. It is freaky and fashionable in equal measure which is, clearly, precisely my cup of tea. A minimalist 2001: A Space Odyssey take on black tie. The addition of this couture dentist office lead apron crossed with a lobster bib takes this from totally forgettable to perfectly of the moment. It’s our Dadaist geometric shape trend flattened back into the 2D realm. Edwin A. Abbott would be proud.
Winged Eveningwear
Speaking of sculptural neck flourishes, I’m intrigued by The Flying Nun epaulettes on this dress Paris Jackson wore to the amfAR Gala. It also reminds me a little bit of the Undercover look Hunter Schafer wore to a pre-Met Gala dinner with the button-laden Cupid wings poking out the back or that Count Dracula collar Cynthia Erivo wore to the Oscars. While I love this extremely widespread fly-away collar, I do think it deserves to be attached to a much simpler garment so that this statement neckline can really shine. It’s also making my wonder if various types of winged gown elements are poised to replaced the pannier as the doublewide garment du jour. Only time will tell!
Denim Disaster
In case you missed the memo, Demna has officially left the building chez Balenciaga and the brand is clearly cycling through the remaining dregs of his final designs before Pierpaolo Piccioli steps in and saves them from themselves. Not even Isabelle Huppert’s level of innate French chicness can make this outfit work. Even being blinded by this much coolness will not distract me from the fact that this is just a denim maxi skirt and backwards jean jacket, no matter what this brooch may try to convince you otherwise.
And once again, you’re telling me Cannes is busily legislating the length of trains, heights of heels, and levels of flesh exposure and never once thought to say, hey, how about we attempt to wrangle frayed denim off our red carpet as well. While we’re at it, why not outlaw hideous dresses at large! If we’re going to regulate what’s glamorous, let’s really start regulating, folks!!
Mind The Gap
And the last thing I want to show you from Cannes is just Coco Rocha in this Ionut Razvan gown. To be clear, I hate it. I think the layers upon layers of button up shirt are corny in a Balenciaga recreating the Joey Tribbiani coat kind of way and I also hate that the collars are all different lengths and don’t even get longer in ascending order. But I did just want to say that this is exactly the type of low hanging fashion fruit I expect Gap Atelier to be churning out. Much like how I mistakingly assumed Anne Hathaway’s Met Gala look was a Gap Atelier homage to Sharon Stone’s iconic Gap at the Oscars look, it just seems to me like for a brand famous for a basic oxford, they sure are missing out on a lot of very obvious red carpet moments in which they could be inserting themselves.
Not Your Grandma’s Doily
With award season now behind her, Kylie Jenner is back to thirst trapping business as usual, wearing this matronly lace doily by Lou de Bètoly as a mini dress while on vacation in Turks & Caicos. I thought the 3D floret nipples were a nice touch, but otherwise not a particularly original piece of attire for the cosmetics “billionaire.” But I wanted to draw your attention to this look because while I saw a million headlines about it, I don’t understand why no one at all is talking about the flesh-tone knit thigh highs she chose to pair with this wisp of a garment in a tropical locale. And if there’s one thing this newsletter is staunchly against, it’s letting bizarre accessory choices pass by unremarked upon, so there you have it.
Prada Therapy
And to conclude today’s various visions of mediocrity, here is Benedict Cumberbatch in a DIY Prada sling. Longtime readers know how much I love high fashion medical accoutrement and would argue, in fact, that we don’t see nearly enough glammed up healthcare equipment. Perhaps you’ll recall my lengthy soliloquy on the utter lack of billionaire pizazz applied to Kim K’s knee walker, or the praise I heaped upon Ashley Park’s fully blinged-out ankle cast at the SAG Awards. In this case, while I do think it’s incredibly chic to sport a Prada sling, I do think they could’ve invested a touch more effort on behalf of Benny beyond just safety pinning together a neckerchief and calling it a day. And I think I speak for all of Cannes when I say we would very much like to see Miuccia Prada and Raf Simons’s take on avant garde hospital-grade health equipment.
And just like that season 3…we’ve come to the end of your full serving of Mess for today! Thank you so much for spending a moment of your precious time consuming these pages. I appreciate all of your interest in this dreckitude immensely. See you back here next Friday, my friends!
Like I’ve been saying:
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Safe travels, you lil’ daredevils!
Hey! It's always great to see the offer of a free month if you donate to a Gaza fund but with that in mind I think it would be good to maintain the boycott of Eurovision given it's continued inclusion of Israel.
In terms of my own suggestion I don't know if you've been watching Andor but I would loveee to see a mess take on some of the fits