Hot Toe Ring Summer

Keep that same Kenergy.

You used to call me on my banana phone.

Hellooo Messketeers!

I hope you’ve all had an exceptional week since we last got together and I waterboarded you with my bad fashion opinions. Personally, I got an incredible (and incredibly cheap) massage in Chinatown followed by a trip to my favorite hardware store in the area where I have been known to purchase some very dumb, yet delightful home goods. Most recently this included the world’s most perfect sink strainer and an ice cube tray that exclusively makes the tiniest ice cubes I’ve ever seen. They melt almost as soon as I put them in my cup, but that doesn’t make me love them any less.

I don’t know if it’s because of the SAG strike or the fact that we’re currently at the peak of the hottest, slowest summer on record, but it was pretty light on Mess out there in La La Land. That said, I still managed to cobble together an array of celebrity bric-a-brac I think you’re all going to find downright delightful. However, if this stomach-churning amuse bouche only leaves you clamoring for more, go on and hop in the Discord or go check out some of the gentle trolling that People magazine has been allowing me to perpetrate on their ginormous platform.

And finally, it’s my birthday next Friday!!! Even so, I will probably still write some version of this unhinged email for you all, although perhaps a slightly more truncated version. It really all depends on how the pop culture gods tempt me over the coming week. Regardless, if you’re still frantically searching for the perfect birthday gift to give me, look no further. Just grab a paid subscription to this newsletter and then immediately email me a voice memo of yourself singing Stevie Wonder’s Happy Birthday. Sorry, that’s Leo birthday law!

Ok, enough about the fact that I’m a rapidly aging millennial who makes all of her money whining about celebrities on the internet. Let’s take a look at this shit.

If you want to know where my head is currently at, I’ve been pretty much exclusively thinking about PinkyDoll all week. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, I don’t even know how to begin to explain this TikTok phenomenon so please just go read the New York Times article about it and then go treat yourself to the chilling psychological thriller that is this livestream. Basically, this woman is making an incredible amount of money doing some deeply uncanny valley AI cosplay for, I presume, perverts, children, and people like me who can’t stop watching in abject horror.

The Daily Mail also alerted me to the fact that Miami Swim Week is downright ICONIC. I believe the word they actually used was “trashy,” but I think we can all clearly see that this runway is merely providing us with the framework for where all of our red carpet fashions are inevitably headed from here. This brand is called “The Black Tape Project,” and in many of the images they appear to literally be applying electrical tape to these women’s bodies as they walk down the runway. I’m mostly joking about this being the look of the future, but in a world where we are constantly being barraged with bad nipple covers and G-strings, they are making some very interesting points! At the very least, I think celebs should seriously investigate the fashion opportunities inherent in these types of vagina modesty stickers. Also, bless all of these unbelievably brave models for even bothering to show up to work that day.

Thanks to Threads (which I am begrudgingly on @yungkirk666 btw), I was alerted to the fact that my top-tier Mess Muse Aubrey O’Day has somehow inexplicably linked up with Kimberly from 90 Day Fiancé and they are now each other’s biggest stans and besties. This is my personal multiverse of madness.

For those unfamiliar with the world of 90 Day, the only important thing to know here is that Kimberly was engaged to a man from Nigeria who had already been on a prior season of the show when he was engaged to a different middle-aged white American woman for whom he wrote the truly legendary bop, “I Love You (Baby Girl Lisa).” Danity Kane x Sojaboy collab when?

Speaking of quintessentially American legends, because of the new RHONY spinoff and her penchant for announcing every D-list crush she has to the tabloids, I feel like the press has been giving Sonja a particularly hard time lately about being almost 60 and still completely dick-matized by a new man every week. But really, we should all be so lucky to have such a vibrant, adventurous sex life at any age, and who couldn’t use a cock curator par excellence like her in their life.

Case in point. Here’s someone in desperate need of a cock curator. I can’t believe I’ve failed you all in my mission to break these two up for good. I’m so disappointed that Megan has fallen back into MGK’s poser clutches and all before she could even go on ONE date with Emily Ratajkowski and initiate a full media meltdown.

But with their relationship officially back on track and her days no longer occupied by intensive couple’s therapy sessions, Megan now has a lot more free time to devote to the high art of thirst trapping. And this week, that passion for content creation manifested in a seemingly endless string of images from this wood nymph photo shoot chock full of very intriguing fashion choices. Choices such as these FernGully feather hair extensions which are giving me major Adrienne Maloof hair tinsel flashbacks. She also took the opportunity to wear a dress that not only left her areolas fully exposed, but also a long expanse of butt crack, proving that the dream of the bumster is not quite dead yet. And finally, she provided some primo WikiFeet fodder for all the footsie freaks out there, showing off her gorgeous choice in decorative toe adornment. This image actually prompted me to write an entire article for People about how between Megan and Rihanna, celebs are seriously threatening to bring back this type of digit decor. But after hitting publish, I quickly realized that I actually lied because there already IS a third example of this trend and that’s Gigi Hadid on the cover of Elle. The toe ring renaissance is really happening! Get your foot baubles together posthaste!

As the old maxim goes, “heavy” is in the eye of the beholder. And I will always have a soft spot for the Kardashians’ exceptional media training and the way all of these girls choose their words so carefully. They expertly walk that line of half-truths, as you’ll see again below, never totally telling a lie, but also never strictly delivering the facts. Because sure, Kylie no longer “heavily” edits her images, the same way the rest of us don’t use those pre-set Instagram filters anymore. But she obviously is still editing them in a way I think most non-famous people would consider to be pretty aggressive. What she’s really saying is that the photoshop technology has gotten so good and her social media team has gotten so good at using it that you’ll be hard-pressed to catch her making those alterations ever again without the help of one of those CelebFace Instagram vs. reality GIFs.

Likewise, here’s another absolute coup in media-trained doublespeak. Because, similarly, the definition of plastic surgery is slightly subjective! Personally, I would count vast quantities of Botox and filler, especially when used to completely rebuild aspects of one’s face, to fall within that realm even if those procedures don’t technically require actual surgery. And this isn’t anything new, Kylie has been using this method of “owning” her ever-evolving appearance for a few years now, telling Paper in 2019, “People think I fully went under the knife and completely reconstructed my face, which is completely false. I’m terrified. I would never,” while simultaneously adding, “It’s fillers, I’m not denying that.” This family has always been so good at faking total transparency while actually telling you nothing at all.

Oh, and here’s Kim trying her hand at some age trolling. Once again late to the outrage bait and following Kylie’s lead instead of being the one to blaze this headline-generating trail. The cultural relevancy slippage continues in full force.

Also, semi-relatedly, in the Discord someone brought up that Kim is completely unidentifiable in a photo I included of her in Sloppy Seconds. She could have been J.Lo, could have been Larsa, could have been anybody, and I think it raises an interesting question. Because Kim is responsible for a sea change in beauty standards and became the prototype for the look of the 2010s — an aesthetic that is easily replicable through plastic surgery given that she is a product of it herself — has she accidentally, perhaps inevitably, diluted her own brand? While Kanye positioned her as the original model that launched a million copycats thanks to those Yeezy clone ads, on the flip side, you could also argue that she’s now just one in a sea of indistinguishable doppelgängers. While she clearly originated the entire Instagram face movement, now that everyone’s got one, could anyone even pick her out of a lineup? After all, Kim’s fame has always been about brute force not It-factor, and with the physical novelty gone as well as the shock factor provided by her once intentionally provocative wardrobe, it seems to me like the cracks in the foundation of this whole thing are only getting bigger.

Anyway. Much like Rihanna’s diamond toe ring and Kim K’s 17-carat Troll doll belly button diamond, this photo of Dua Lipa reminded me that just when you think the rich have run out of fun ways to flaunt their richness, there are always new dimensions of uber affluence left to explore. In this case, multiple luxury shopping bags the size of her stylist’s entire body. This whole thing is also some brilliant spon con on Bottega’s part. Honestly, they could go even bigger with the tote next time! It’s very Victoria Beckham crawling out of a Marc Jacobs shopping bag brought to life.

And Naomi Watts helped me realize that I’ll know I’ve finally made it in life once Fran and I have an entire collection of matching fine jewelry.

We’ve spoken before in the Discord about Zaya Wade being a bonafide nepo It-girl of the Iris Law/Apatow variety, but now that it’s Miu Miu official, I thought I might as well go ahead and confirm that fact with all of you here as well.

And on the topic of It-girls, Mariah is suddenly, Ozempic-ly snatched again and she’s going to get on TikTok to let everybody know it, even if she can’t technically fit back in her skinny jeans just yet. Honestly, post-pandemic, this is also pretty much the only way I can stand to wear hard pants. But Mariah might be on to something with this undone look because this week I also saw a photo of Kourtney Kardashian walking around with her Dickies completely unzipped. Yes, obviously to accommodate her belly, but I think this post-Thanksgiving dinner trend could really have some momentum. It’s still pubis-centric, just done in a more casual way, while also touching on the whole threat of a wardrobe malfunction angle we’ve been discussing. Not to mention a fashion blessing to everyone who keeps a stack of pants in their closet that are just a teeny tiny bit too small because one day you’re definitely going to fit back into those!

Mess Hall of Famer Rita Ora, our eternal trend innovator, appears to have responded to the challenge I issued forth in Sloppy Seconds this week. In discussing Jessica Simpson’s rhinestoned ass-less jeans, I pointed out that despite all of our focus being on bare tits and pelvis this year after culturally reaching mass ass fatigue, if we’d just be willing to dream up some more creative ways to cheekily expose the derriere, à la Jessica or Megan or Gabrielle Union, I think there’s still a wealth of material to work with there. And Rita has proven my point exactly, rising to the challenge in this cutout skirt with an optical illusion brief.

Iris Law got a gorgeous self-effigy manicure which, to me, is right up there with Suki Waterhouse’s pillow of her own face. Treat yourself like the teen idol you aspire to be! The girlies are just manifesting.

Unfortunately, these stunning ensembles were for a disco costume party that took place on Magic Johnson’s yacht, not just Samuel L Jackson and his wife’s casual boating attire. But even so, I do think it’s a persuasive argument that we need to see a lot more men of great prestige in Hollywood rocking a skintight pleather bell bottom ASAP.

Sloppy Seconds readers already know that Sam Smith and I came to a bit of an impasse last week in regards to their Barbie premiere apparel and a hurtful choice that was made not to wear a visible G-string. A choice which caused me to proclaim that I would be holding a grudge against Sam henceforth. However, they’ve since redeemed themselves in my eyes as Sam has proven to be one of the shockingly few individuals who has a keen understanding of correct skirt length to exposed thigh proportions. All is forgiven. For now.

And here’s another person who really gets it, Troye Sivan. As we’ve discussed before, Troye loves a fancy little top and I love him all the more for that. Going with Paco Rabanne for his new music video also feels like a really savvy choice because the brand does a really good job of walking that masc/femme/tough/sweet line, like he had to make a look for Studio 54 out of stuff found in the hardware aisle.

Ok, well, here’s wishing you a weekend filled with ample amounts of turtle time.

And I’m off!

It seems that despite my best attempts to disgust you, I wasn’t able to deter you in your mission to complete yet another edition of this tawdry publication. Since you’ve proven yourself to have an iron stomach for un-ironic attempts at making Fashion Nova high fashion, I’m sure that there are some more couture cretins in your life who would love to get a gander at these looks as well. So stop gatekeeping and sign them up for a free subscription already. And then go on and pick up a paid subscription for yourself after all the grunt work you’ve put in to diligently consume my many petty grievances. If you want to skip the content deluge and get straight to the good stuff, consider becoming the newest member of the ~ MESS DISCORD ~ where almost 650 Messketeers with nothing better to do than dissect celebrities’ many foibles are ready and waiting for your arrival. And please stay hydrated out there with a Mess Merch water bottle.

As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more Mess, just ask me about getting a comped subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion or bail fund, your next month of Mess is on me.

Now go have a very Barbenheimer weekend, everyone!

Kim K cartwheeling out of here.