Hiya buds, and happy holidays!!!
I am writing to you from what is perhaps the most Mercury Retrograde morning on record. I’m also coming off very little sleep because I stayed far too late at my best friend’s holiday party last night, so if I seem extra delirious today, my apologies.
Anyway, welcome to your final (free) Mess newsletter of 2023!!! I can’t believe we’ve already got another full 365 days of bad outfits in the books. Thank you all so much for being here and I can’t wait to harangue even more of you in the year to come, and also finally figure out what the hell this Mess! Live show is going to look like. I know a handful of you reached out to me when I first mentioned it with sage advice and helpful opportunities, so if you were one of those people expect me to reach back out again in the coming weeks with panicked inquiries. As those who follow me on Instagram already know, I also finally got my grubby little mitts on my Elle print article and it’s even more stunning than I imagined. I’m also featured in the latest episode of Madame Figaro’s podcast Scandales all about the Queen of Christmas, Mariah Carey. So if you understand French or just wish to here my mellifluous tones through the dubbed audio, please give that a listen.
This has also been a weird week for me as I’ve truly never had more article ideas in my life and I have no choice but to sit on my hands and wait to pitch them until the new year when editors are back in offices and the freelancer budget is refreshed. So, in the meantime, I’ve been trying to funnel that energy into figuring out what my holiday plans are as I think this might be my first ever (!?) Christmas alone in the city. Thus far, my itinerary for this time off has been focused largely on the copious amount of food and drink I will be consuming. I’ve ordered a bunch of pre-made troughs of holiday food built for a family of four but which will be eaten by a glutton of one. I think I’m also going to use the leftover cake mix from my Fran-iversary party to make a double decker Christmas funfetti heart cake.
I also plan on watching some of the millions of movie screeners I get sent this time of year. This week, I watched Saltburn and I have some complicated feelings about it. It did not fill me with the extreme unmitigated rage that Emerald Fennell’s first film Promising Young Woman filled me with, so I think that really says something. And there’s a hell of a lot of exceptional actors acting exceptionally in it. I just couldn’t help but feel the entire time I was watching it that I could just be watching The Talented Mr. Ripley for the ten thousandth time instead. But that probably speaks more to my TMR obsession than it does to Saltburn itself.
Enough about me though, many of you replied to last week’s newsletter to inform me that Weight Watchers just announced they are extending the brand into telehealth clinics that can prescribe weight loss drugs to customers, so actually Oprah’s Ozempic confession could not be more exceptionally timed. Brand synergy for the win, once again! Over in the Discord, the Messketeers have been compiling a deep-dive primer on the Mormon trad wife blogger multiverse for all who our interested and that’s another thing I will absolutely be investigating over the winter break. And this week, paid subscribers were treated to a recap of Troop Beverly Hills which I realized I’ve somehow never seen before and it is truly perfect and filled with some of the most spectacular costuming I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Next Friday’s usual email will be for paid subscribers only as a thank you for floating me through many months of unemployment this year. So sign up now if you need some Mess to buoy you through the holidays. Otherwise, I’ll see the rest of you Messketeers in 2024!
Ok, let’s take this thing out for one last spin around the block.
Let’s start today off on the highest of highs by talking about something that is the definition of perfection. I’m speaking, of course, about this Prince William ornament the Daily Mail found and I am obsessed with every hyper-realistic detail from the dental situation to the sparse wisps of glittering hair clinging to his scalp. But by far my favorite part has got to be the way his bald patch morphs into the gold ornament cap. Obviously, it is sold out everywhere and while I’m no monarchist, I desperately need him. If you were looking for the perfect Christmas gift to get me (besides paying for another year of this newsletter’s existence), look no further.
But be warned that with this festive time of year also comes the self-proclaimed trend-forecasters and soothsayers of celebrity-dom. Beware the predictors, beloveds, for they know not what they say! For real though, as I said last week, we’ve all got to vet our social media sources a little more heavily because I also saw this TikTok and, at one point, the woman says that Gwyneth and her husband are definitely going to get divorced because they don’t even live in the same house…….And listen, if you’re going to be making big guesses about the future, at least be all caught up on the past. Because, baby, they’ve been living together since 2019, get into it.
Anyway, in the past I’ve shared with you a handful of my favorite genres of paparazzi photographs, such as famous people being swept away by weather events and Ben Affleck doing literally anything, and here’s yet another one: models doing something insane for a commercial while just out and about in New York City. This is also yet another example of actual paparazzi shots that are somehow still better than the staged Bottega Veneta ones. Like make this a Vogue editorial stat. (But also please let us leave all forms of this ubiquitous hot pink catsuit behind in 2023.)
Another thing faithful Messketeers know I am a huge fan and top proponent of is booing famous people anytime, anywhere. But in this case, even I have to admit, the jeering was a bit of a misdirect. What people fail to realize in the heat of the heckling is that an important element of the boo is knowing your target and that this sound will in fact devastate them disproportionately to the effort you’re putting into it. And my condolences to Patriots fans, but Taylor does not have the ego fragile enough for this sort of behavior to really take root. Your Elon Musks? Your Jeff Bezoses? Hell, even a Brad Pitt?? These are the guys you could boo into oblivion. They are one well-placed jibe away from questioning their entire reason for being. So, a valiant attempt by Gillette Stadium, but let’s save that energy for the Kim Ks of this world.
Now, if football fans actually wanted Swift to feel their wrath, they’d find a way to hit her where she lives and curtail her private jet usage because there is nothing this gal is more passionate about than generating a couple tons of carbon emissions in the name of love.
In other Swift news, I always forget that there’s such a thing as football team heiresses, which is so silly because like, duh, I obviously know very well that the Mara sisters would not exist without such a sports dynasty behind them. But I am delighted anew every time I’m introduced to a fresh set of NFL scions and what they’re getting up to out there. In this case, gifting Taylor Swift the most fantastically on-the-nose gift you could imagine — a $4500 crystalized Judith Leiber microphone clutch. The perfect gift for the pop star who simply can’t get enough air time even when she’s off the clock.
Sometimes I am genuinely shook by the power this newsletter seems to silently wield in the celebrity space. Who is leaking my musings to the jet set because just a few weeks ago I was lamenting about a certain supermodels noticeable absence in the street style scene, and now suddenly, Bella is back!!!! Mess has summoned her from the depths of the rodeo circuit to once again grace us with her knitwear matching sets and rectangular wire-rimmed glasses and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.
Although, something I forgot about in Bella’s year-long absence is her uncanny ability to hit me right where all my Y2K memories live by pulling out millennial fits that make me feel like I just stepped out of a time machine and back into middle school. Every person my age knows a girl who dressed exactly like this in the early aughts. I feel like Hard Tail is currently gearing up to have its biggest sales year on record between this and all the foldover flared leggings I’ve been seeing out there.
In other triggering news, shoutout to Heben Nigatu who brought to my attention Billie Eilish’s double popped polo collar while performing at SNL over the weekend. This combo has made me truly unwell. I am instantly reminded of every hockey bro I’ve ever known. In my opinion, it will always be too soon to pop these layered-up lapels anew.
As I’m sure you’re all well aware of by now, Bad Bunny and Kendall are officially over. A travesty for celebrity PR teams everywhere. But while they may not have dated for long, at least they were able to heavily monetize their brief love affair between that wildly premature Gucci couples campaign that attempted to invoke a young Posh and Becks, but had literally none of their swagger, and Bad Bunny’s new album promo cycle that banked on the public being way more interested in these two’s sex life than we actually are. When this coupling was first announced, I wanted to give Kendall the grace that I did not give to the Kim and Petes and EmRata and Petes of yesteryear, and the benefit of the doubt that perhaps love is real. But after this nine-month cash grab, I think I’m going to have to let the cynicism win from now on and become firmly team showmance.
And this breakup also just so happens to be perfectly timed with Kendall’s annual, heavily-documented Aspen fashion parade. What an interesting coincidence! She is single, ready to mingle, and dressed like a hibernating bear. Or a nutria, as I labeled her on Twitter, a reference that really gives away the fact that I was once a Pacific Northwest resident living in fear of those enormous, invasive rodents. Although, to their credit, even nutria know that their outfit needs a pop of color somewhere (in the nutria’s case, neon orange teeth). Every time Kendall sets foot in the state of Colorado, her collection of giant, real fur coats makes an appearance, and every year a faction of the internet loses their goddamn minds about it which ultimately does nothing but drive even more clicks and attention in her direction. So while this ensemble is not exactly surprising, this year’s assortment of pelts feels particularly aggressive, even by her standards. Also, please know that this $27,000 Phoebe Philo coat and the many Phoebe Philo coats you’ve seen her in recently are very much Kendall angling to score some sort of modeling contract with that quiet luxury brand. And, much like her street style overtures to be included as one of the faces of The Row, it is thus far not working at all. Sometimes fashion’s elitism is a good thing!
Naturally, this crew’s annual holiday trip to Aspen could not officially kick off without its accompanying seasonal photo shoot — the classic bikini in the snow gambit. And this year, that task fell to Hailey Bieber, marking the first time in history a non-KarJenner has been allowed to pull off this tabloid stunt. And while this may not be the family’s signature micro-thong/fur boot combo, we must appreciate Hailey’s hustler spirit for also squeezing in a N21 paid placement into this yuletide Instagram classic. She, of course, has also been joining Kendall in furthering the current pro fur coat movement.
But no one is promoting the fur agenda harder than our girl Riri. Much like Kendall in Aspen, she has always been unapologetically pro pelt, but she’s taking it to comical new heights this year. Grimace has already had a hard enough year culturally without Rihanna turning him into a jacket. But the look that really got me was when she decided to triple down on this fur-trimmed Alaïa bomber by adding into the mix a mink clutch and this Oscar de la Renta vintage hat that looks to me like a furry Elvis pompadour. Look, I said that if we were going to do this fur trend I wanted looks that felt way more twenty-first century and, while I may not like it, making wigs out of fox hides is certainly one way to do it.
But even Rihanna has been falling short lately in the face of our true Mess style maven of the moment, Justin Bieber, who is back with yet another hot take on arm optical illusion sweatshirt composition. Last time we saw him, the Biebs created the very eerie impression of a hand emerging from the center of his torso. This time around, we’re getting more of a faux sling situation, a sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of leisurewear, if you will. And at least the truth of these billowing trousers he and Drake can’t stop wearing is finally coming out. Because while those frayed bottoms and crumpled up yards of fabric at the ankle may look “cool” in photos, no one wants to discuss the truth of this trend which is that more often than not you’ll end up dragging some sopping wet hems around all night.
If you’re wondering what the polar opposite of a Mess style maven is, I’m sorry to say it’s become Kim Kardashian who can’t help but serve us one of the same five outfit formulas ad nauseam. We’ve already seen this leather flared pant / crop top combo six ways to Sunday and it’s still not any good. Let us all hope Kim signs a new stylist in 2024 with some new ideas. This particular pair of low-rise pants also feels two years too late. Like where where these when Julia Fox was giving us exposed upper pubis in those centaur leather pants? These still wouldn’t have been groundbreaking back then, but at least it would’ve felt like Kim was actually participating in the fashion conversation. Anyway, this is also a Starbucks ad and no one can convince me otherwise. The signage in the background, the branded cup in hand. Can you even remember the last time you saw Kim — who has repeatedly said she is not a coffee drinker — holding a coffee cup? Let alone a Starbucks one?? I just think it’s interesting that she would do this very conspicuous Starbucks run amidst a very conspicuous boycott of that brand. Smells like spon con to me. But it also made me wonder why Starbucks thinks this of all things could help them win back customers. I would love to meet the person who saw Kim carrying around this cup and suddenly rethought their entire position on this company’s union busting tactics.
Anyway, my greatest hope and dream for the new year is that in 2024 we’ll finally be free from every iteration of this Dolce & Gabbana sparkle dress…
…And that Lauren Sanchez will become the new face of Chanel. She could lead the brand and their $4000 crop tops in an entirely new direction I’ve been referring to as “Shein couture meets the plastic surgeon’s office.” There’s something kind of gorgeously obscene about the idea of a multi-billionaire signing a multi-million dollar brand deal to shill clothing to lesser billionaires and accidentally demonstrating how cheap the designs of this storied French fashion house actually are in the process. Still more interesting than anything the brand is actually doing! The only thing that bums me out about this potential pairing is that Karl Lagerfeld didn’t live long enough to meet this new Chanel muse.
Speaking of basic, this week I discovered that we have yet another trite Monroe devotee in our midst. I’ll give JLo a pass this time around because at least it’s just a movie poster versus, you know, a lock of Marilyn’s actual hair. But regardless, I just wanted to bring it up because it’s always a good time to refresh your memory on my stance on pop culture’s treatment of Marilyn and our outright refusal to let that woman have a moment of peace even in death.
Over the years, Beyoncé’s stylist Marni and I have had our differences. But I have to admit, when she hits, she absolutely hits. While I’m thrilled to see Bey participating in the hot pant trend sweeping Hollywood this winter, it’s the Prada logo placement combined with this straight-up ass shot she posted to Instagram that really takes this look to exciting, new heights. Especially for such a controlled pop star. And while the all-black cat burgler fit seems straight forward enough, the choice to attach the earrings to the outside of this headscarf is the type of inspired styling detail I need to see more of in 2024.
And finally, on the topic of inspired styling, let’s end 2023 with something aspirational from the red carpet. Actress Auli'i Cravalho has completely made up her own rules on how to wear this Off-White gown and we love to see it. Some might recognize this as the look Naomi Campbell wore on the Fall 2023 runway for the brand’s first collection without Virgil Abloh. But even Naomi didn’t dare take this circular, pool noodle neckline and pop it atop her head like one of those face-in-hole photo props at a carnival. If celebrity fashion wishes to survive another year of my ire, I’m going to need a serious uptick in this type of coloring outside the lines. I think once celebs realize that wearing something wackily works just as well to generate press as wearing nothing at all we’ll finally start to see that shift.
Well, that’ll do ‘er for today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being the John McEnroes to my Travis Scott this year and every year. I literally couldn’t do it without your high pain thresholds and fearlessness in the face of fashion despair. I hope you’ve had a Mess-tastic 2023, and the year to come is even sloppier yet.
As a peace offering for what I’ve put you through today, as well as a token of my love and gratitude for you all, please allow me to send you off into the new year with these photos of Steven Seagal interacting with wildlife. (There’s also way more where these came from.)
Ok cool cats, see you all in 2024!!!!
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Take care of yourselves, besties! And Happy New Year!!!
I’m obsessed with the sparkly sneakers Billie wore on SNL!