Hawk tuah maxxing
Oh, hello!
My apologies for the extreme delay on this email, my dearest subs, but I have been playing hooky from the internet all week in a serious way. As a chronically online kinda gal, it’s been so nice taking true time off from my laptop and being reminded of how great nature can be while visiting a friend in North Carolina. I also spent the Fourth of July at Dollywood which felt both deeply American and like a real coming home for all things Mess. If there is anyone on this planet who lives my aesthetic values to the fullest it is Dolly. Getting to see her wigs on full display and her impossible rhinestone-encrusted waist to bust ratio in person has forever changed me. But it is also the reason I’m wildly behind my usual publishing schedule. Mea culpa!
My sojourn through Dollywood on Thursday also taught me that, after a decade-plus spent in New York City, I have been spoiled for living anywhere else. It’s not just the fast walking, although it is also that. I think being a New Yorker makes you hyper aware of your surroundings and the flow of pedestrian traffic in a different kind of way as knowing how to move seamlessly within it so as not to ruin both your and someone else’s day is an essential skill for survival here. And, unfortunately, outside of the Tri-State area, no one else seems to posses this particular navigational aptitude. All too regularly I find myself stymied by those who have stopped to pen a text mid stride or blockaded a sidewalk by slowly walking four astride. You can also tell that this city has ruined me by the fact that these are the types of trivial human interactions that keep me up at night.
As for today’s title, if you don’t know who Hawk Tuah Girl is, you are one of the blessed chosen ones and should continue leading your life exactly as you’ve lead it thus far. Don’t change a thing. The fact that this woman has been signed by Hollywood agents and is making tens of thousands of dollars for interviews and public appearances all off a not particularly funny catch phrase is really just one of those moments that makes me feel deeply suspicious of the American public. It’s like finding out that How I Met Your Mother is one of the biggest shows in TV history. Who are we as a nation. What do we like. Why is it this.
In happier news, Mess Live! is officially just around the corner! The Met Gala of Alphabet City will be taking place at the gorgeous Half Gallery on July 25 at 7pm where I will be joined by my very wise and very beautiful special guests
, , and ! Tickets for Mess Live! will be going on sale next week with paid subscribers getting early access. Prepare yourselves for an intimate, VIP-only event filled with incredible swag, bad fashion, exclusive merch, and Sunny D hard seltzers galore. You’re going to want to be in attendance so make sure to sign up and get your ticket ASAP.And tragically for the thousands of freeloaders amongst you, the rest of today’s email is also going to be for paid subscribers only. For just $5 you can read all about Derek Blasberg’s “catastrophic” diarrhea, the launch of Lily Allen’s foot fetish OnlyFans, Olivia Culpo’s modest wedding dress fiasco, and the arrival of the prosthetic hip trend. Otherwise, I’ll see you all again on Friday for our regularly scheduled programming.
Now git along, lil doggies!