Has anyone checked on Club Chalamet?
And do you think the new Taylor Swift perfume will smell like vanilla?
Hiya, friends!
Hope this week has been treating you well. I’ve had a shocking number of outside the house obligations to attend to (well, for me anyway), and it’s been nice to feel like my work life is very much in balance with the rest of my life for once.
As part of those outdoor adventures, I got a fancy dinner with a friend at Lilia and that place really is outrageously tasty. As I believe I wrote in this email the first time I went there maybe a year ago, the soft serve with olive oil is very much worth all the effort. I would honestly go just to order ten rounds of that focaccia and ramp butter alone. If I ever win the lottery, I won’t tell anyone but there will be signs etc. etc. Also, for those who can’t figure out how to get a reservation there because they are perpetually booked out a month in advance, may I suggest just showing up when they open? We were seated immediately, no prob, and yes it was 5pm but I now also totally get the appeal of the early bird special. You’ll be back in bed digesting by 8pm tops!
This week, I also went to see Lempicka, a musical on Broadway based on the real life story of the artist Lempicka who it turns out was not only a shrewd businesswoman, but a bisexual icon who lived long enough to see her work sell for millions. Unfortunately, I just completely forgot what musicals are like and could not stop cracking up during every big number. Especially as the play moved briskly through two World Wars and a communist uprising sending soldiers jeté-ing and sashaying around the stage. Her paintings are extremely beautiful though and I enjoyed learning the real tea about her after the show and some of the not so nice things she did that the play really glossed over.
And, on Friday night, I chugged a Celsius and put on a red lip to go undercover as a Swiftie at a Taylor Swift album release party held at Arlene’s Grocery at midnight. You can read all about that experience over at The Cut! Despite my trepidations, it was a fun time even if I didn’t get to deploy any of the TTPD knowledge and conspiracy theories I picked up from TikTok. It was also a good reminder for me, an elder who wakes up at 7:30 every day thanks to my dog-shaped alarm clock, that this city is still overflowing with babies getting absolutely blackout every weekend, puking in the streets and weeping in bathrooms. I love them all, but I’m unspeakably glad that isn’t me and I no longer feel any societal pressure for it to be me.
As for today’s newsletter title, it is of course referring to the rumors that Kylie Jenner is currently pregnant with her boyfriend Timmy’s baby. Despite that hearsay, she’s been posting flat stomach imagery on social media all week in an attempt to shut down the rumors. But I’m personally inclined never to believe a Kardashian’s content posting timeline, especially from one who has obscured her pregnancy in the past, so I’ll be suspending my opinion on the matter until Kylie’s spotted live on a red carpet. I’m mostly just looking out for how hard Club Chalamet is going to take this news because if she went ballistic just over the dating rumors, a potential Timmy Jr. just might be the final nudge that pushes her over the edge into full-blown psychosis. I also found out this week that she apparently started out as a hardcore Michael Fassbender enthusiast before making the switch to Chalamet and I find that fascinating. I’d like to encourage her to give Shame another screening, and reconsider her current thespian allegiance. But why are there no documentaries on the people who run these massive stan accounts, I need to know everything about their lives offline and the origin of these fixations.
Anyway, in case you missed the teaser email earlier this week, paid subs were treated to a newsletter collaboration to end all collaborations betwixt myself and
of the sensational . We discussed a few key outfits from Taylor’s new TTPD era at great length. And, as longtime readers know, I am loathe to talk about her outfits ever because people can’t be normal about it, so this is really a rare and exclusive insight into my thoughts on the topic that you’re not going to want to miss out on. So sign up already!Ok, here we go again!!!
To kick things off on this fine Friday, sure, Alex Cooper looked great at her wedding and her stylist Mimi Cuttrell really went to work in those designer archives for once. But most importantly, Alex for some reason commissioned this custom sand sculpture of their two golden doodles and it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. I feel like this has given me such a keen insight into her mind. I suddenly understand the world of Call Her Daddy in an entirely new light. Forget the vintage McQueen, give me these moody, unimpressed Botero dogs wearing Chippendales collars.
I also just wanted to take a moment to marvel at and express my profound appreciation for Dina Lohan’s superb artistry in the medium of FaceTune. She has blur tooled her face into cartoonish perfection and taken Candace Bushnell down with her. Dina is of the Kris Jenner Snapchat baby filter school of selfies and I love to see it. As always, I think all famous people should be completely building a fictional AI version of their face they deploy exclusively on their social media that looks nothing like them in real life. What makes Dina’s penchant for retouching all the better is that she also posted this exact image three times in a row and somehow turned it into a video one of those times. This type of accidental triptych posting is something she actually does a lot along with sharing random crafty DIY projects she’s found on Reels and, I have to say, I’m loving this taste of Facebook mom energy on my feed.
Now, this makes all the sense in the world to me. And I think it would actually be a fabulous business move for both Irina and Tom. At least for the short term PR of it all, as I don’t see Irina agreeing to go full Scientologist…….although for a Cruise level of A-list fame and fortune, I could be wrong. But we all know the church has been struggling to find Tom an appropriate new tabloid love interest for quite some time now. The public has stopped buying the idea that he’s having a torrid affair with every hot 20-something starring in whatever Mission Impossible he’s currently filming. And the last fictional romance he had with that Russian oligarch went bust before they could even got a photo of them in the same room together. But I think Irina really checks all of the boxes of what he’s looking for in a fabricated girlfriend. Not only is she an actual supermodel and very good at generating press for herself, but she also has a track record of longterm relationships with some of the most famous men in the world. Men whom the blind items would have you believe are also all very closeted. Like I said, I think this relationship could be very potent for everyone involved!
As we segue gently into today’s discussion of style, allow me to begin by expressing my enthusiastic, unflagging support for a root vegetable print. More photorealistic radishes of all types on my formalwear, please and thank you. Without even looking it up, I said to myself, this feels like Loewe’s doing. And that’s exactly what it is. As always, the brand really gets me. That said, there’s something about the proportions here that are a little off for me. Maybe the shirt should be less fitted? The pants even bigger and baggier? I’m not quite sure what it is, but please nobody tell Jessica Paster I have feedback. I can’t withstand that type of cyberbullying today.
As I Noted above, Camila Cabello has returned to music exclusively to keep Mess very well fed. I feel like despite the hyperpop makeover, her true boho Miami fashion sensibility can’t help but shine through. The sheer tank and bra with the ribcage-high shorts feels deeply 2010s Coachella to me, while the grimy jeg jarmers are a touch of Julia Fox. I actually think she might be on to something with the detached flare homage to Kate Moss at Glastonbury, I just don’t understand why they are so incredibly tight around her leg. Especially when we’ve seen so many belted versions of this same style in recent years. Your knee chaps should not be able to double as a tourniquet.
Camila also posted this new photo from a shoot for King Kong magazine and what have I been telling you all about the brazen rise of furries this year into the mainstream………first Julia Fox wears a horse tail in a magazine, now all the pop girlies are following suit. Just this week, Lisa Vanderpump showed up to the opening of her new restaurant Wolf By Vanderpump with two sexy wolf men as her dates. But that woman is an actual bonafide furry and we have the receipts to prove it. As for why all these other celebs are doing it, I think it’s all just a part of the continued pursuit of shock factor we’ve talked about before in this email. The sex shop has always been a fruitful source of outfit ideas for Hollywood starlets looking to make a tabloid splash. Just look at how normalized latex apparel has become over the last decade. But with the Overton window for nudity now shoved all the way to full frontal and dominatrix-adjacent attire also played out, I think we’re going to continue to see fashion looking towards new fetishes and sexual subcultures to aestheticize. Because what feels more outrageous than taking something that’s supposed to be taboo and private and flaunting it out in public. Hence why we’ve seen Julia Fox in a number of tails like this before and she briefly dabbled in that adult baby phase earlier this year.
Now, Lil Uzi Vert is one of the few, real trendsetters in my book. And yes, I say that with $30 million third eye diamond and all because at least they’re not afraid of trying something new and out there which is how fashion actually moves forward instead of just circling the drain on this aughts stuff forever. The way they dress is just so interesting to me. Uzi has almost a Prince meets David Bowie energy and I’m not just saying that because they’re short, non-binary, and dressed like Ziggy Stardust here. This Coachella fit is like if Rick Owens made the costumes for The Lollipop Guild. And then just to push this outfit over the top, they performed with a Himalayan Birkin on their arm. That alone is such a funny flex, but also a reaffirmation of their good taste because we can see that it’s been customized with some sort of design despite being one of the most expensive exotic bags in the world. And if you’re a reader of this newsletter, you should know by now that the only good Birkin is one that’s been utterly beat to shit and personalized à la Mary Kate or Jane herself. JLo and Kim K’s Himalayans could never.
But over in Kardashian world, Kourtney celebrated her 45th birthday at IHOP and I actually think that’s a very cute and normal idea. Surprisingly so given her billionaire family and their tendency to turn every commonplace occurance into a festival-level production. But I do have one important question and it’s about this piece of custom house of pancake swag: What is this family’s obsession with Chrome Hearts and Chrome Hearts-branded paraphernalia?? Please recall, Kourtney’s son Mason also had an absolutely incredible Chrome Hearts motif for his bar mitzvah. I love the way this family conflates doing free brand promotion with a party theme. It’s like putting the CVS logo on all the decorations for a baby shower that CVS did not sponsor. But I’m curious what about this brand in particular they find to be so extraordinarily cool. It’s gotta be the ridiculous prices, right? To me, Chrome Hearts is like Wilsons Leather meets Supreme. The only time I think they’re doing something actually cool is when they’re making spectacularly stupid novelty stuff, like Kim’s toothpaste cap or a ketchup bottle and I still don’t think anyone should be paying for that.
On the subject of coffee-centric promotional activities, it’s pretty obvious that this is Kim Kardashian doing an undisclosed ad while being interviewed on Jimmy Kimmel Live! which feels like it’s got to violate ten million different laws, regulations, and broadcasting standards. Not that anyone cares anymore! And clearly, this FTC violation was well worth it as it was hugely successful. Not only did Kim manage to endorse Starbucks in a seemingly organic way on late night TV, but — knowing such a story would be perfect outrage bait for tabloids — she also generated millions of dollars for them in free headlines on top of that block of free prime-time advertising. We have got to start being more media savvy. And fast. There is no reason for Kim to mention the brand of the coffee with the sleeve on it that needs to be removed. For two montsh now, we have been watching her stage paparazzi shoots outside the store and posting Instagram shots where the Starbucks logo is looming freakishly large over her Cybertruck. Time to put two and two together. And I must once again ask, is this not precisely the type of thing the FTC is supposed to be cracking down on? Seems like the perfect opportunity to make an example out of a particularly high-profile influencer considering they’re all doing this type of stuff…..But at the very least, the media has got to stop helping her proliferate this #sponcon without even getting a cut of the profit.
And again. I know all that matters to anyone is clicks, but we’ve got to be smarter about it. We are murdering our own critical thinking skills. Because Kim didn’t just stop at cashing that Starbucks’ check during her visit to Jimmy, she also had to plug her own spandex empire by telling a second completely fictional branded story, naturally. Because when you stop to think about it for five seconds, this makes about as much sense as Kim’s sudden sensory aversion to cardboard. What exactly about this bra would be molded to her breasts specifically……..the cups??? The entire history of women’s undergarments would beg to disagree. So I have to assume she’s talking about the faux hard nipple itself, and the idea that this little plastic bead is somehow specific to her anatomy is obviously nonsense. Enough!
Although one stunt advertorial I will never get enough of is designer Pier Paolo Piccioli parading up and down the streets of Rome this week laden in prop Gucci bags! This is how a branded media spectacle is done, folks!!! The former Valentino creative director is apparently feeling a little bit spiteful towards his former employers for hiring Alessandro Michele to replace him as he called the paparazzi on himself and his wife and then paraded around the boulevard with all of these empty Gucci shopping bags slung over their shoulders while studiously ignoring the Valentino storefront across the street. I presume this was all done as a taunt to his successor (and former Gucci creative director) as well as the Valentino Fashion Group. A threat that he’s moving on to working for Kering now even though, as far as I know, that isn’t true. Especially in terms of Gucci as they still seem pretty happy with their Tom Ford impersonator Sabato De Sarno. But who knows! All I know is this is the type of petty public feuding I live for and that fashion needs to rekindle a fire under its ass. A Karl vs. Yves second coming, if you will. As I said last week, the girls are fighting!!!!!
Ok well, much like this woman I’m being told is Christina Aguilera, it’s time for me to make a Target run, so I’ve g2g. But if you want to hear even more of my pop culture musings or are interested in catching up on all my thoughts on Taylor Swift’s latest fashion era, sign up for a paid subscription.
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In closing:
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Kisses!
“Your knee chaps should not be able to double as a tourniquet” is a sentence never previously uttered in human history and i’m grateful to both you and Camila for it.