Harlequins in Paris
The Reese Witherspoon / Kate Winslet feud is the beef I didn't know I needed.
Coucou, mes chéries!
In an attempt to regulate the immense feelings of dread coursing through my body on a daily basis, I’ve been binge-watching a certain French dramedy since I last saw you, hence today’s Francophile greeting. I hope you’re all doing as well as humanly possible all things considered…Thank you all so much for the enormously positive response to my last newsletter. I’m never quite sure what makes certain pieces of writing stand out from the usual drivel I divulge here, but I’m grateful nonetheless. I’m going to take that as a sign that y’all like when I pop off on the demise of democracy. Noted.
Also, my apologies for the delay on today’s email. I’ve been working overtime all week on a big celebrity profile that has occupied my every waking thought rendering me unable to prep Mess in my usual fashion. But even though I feel like I’ve been churning out copy nonstop, I really enjoy getting to do profiles like that. It’s more like solving a puzzle than writing to me. Figuring out that bon mot or turn of phrase that helps you seamlessly transition from one topic to the next feels like the final square of a Rubik’s cube tumbling into place. I’m still not incredible at doing it, but I’ve had fun learning on the job. I also like the constraints of the format, the certain finesse it requires to string together random quotes in a way that sounds like a story is naturally unfolding while still shoehorning a ton of heavy-handed exposition in there. I also like that celeb profiles are such an inherently hacky medium, there’s so many obvious questions and tired cliches you have to dodge in its crafting. Years spent faithfully reading Vogue cover stories has trained me well for precisely what not to do in this situation. Anyway, I look forward to sharing more with you on that subject soon.
Speaking of Vogue, much like the New York Times earlier this month, they revealed themselves to be radically late to a trend that I have been ranting about in this newsletter for at least a full calendar year now. This week, they posted a story to Instagram proclaiming that “the bush is back in 2025”………….babes, it’s BEEN back. Where were you?? And once again, I’m getting a little scared for our finest American fashion institutions when I have to be the one out here telling them for months on end that an aesthetic is gaining steam before they finally pick up what I’m putting down.
And I got an exciting trend sighting alert from a Messketeer this week who told me that they spotted some tinsel hair extensions in the wilds of the Upper West Side. Could this extremely aughts beauty look really be coming back into fashion?? Thank you, Anora and strippers everywhere, for paving the way for this glittery hair decor to re-enter the zeitgeist. Now, somebody call Adrienne Maloof!!!
In personal updates, you should’ve received an email with a new episode of The Review of Mess podcast earlier today all about the nightmare fashion and beauty choices at the Trump inauguration. Well, that, plus my thoughts on why Mr. Beast is scary and floam is great. Please check that out if you’re willing and able.
And I’m going to be on the panel for this Oscars watch party hosted by friend of the letter
on March 2nd. I think it’s going to be a lot of fun. Please come critique black tie gowns with me live as they sashay down the red carpet! I’d love to see you there.Which reminds me, it’s also the Grammys this weekend and I have no plans that night so I was thinking we could all do a live red carpet chat on Substack? I’ve never done one before, I literally just turned on the option to “chat” at all for the first time today, but I think it could be a nice way to engage with award show season. So swing by this website or app on Sunday night ~6 and we’ll talk shop!
Well then.
Now, you know it wouldn’t truly be a Mess email without just a whisper of braggadocio up top about my 2025 trend predictions already coming to fruition one month into the new year. I touched on this in the podcast as well, but I just wanted to show you some of the troubling prescient apparel that’s transpiring out there. First, we had this gentlemen on the left in full crocodile regalia walk the red carpet at the premiere for whatever this Reese Witherspoon/Will Ferrell rom-com is. Why? Extremely unclear. All that matters is that it’s yet another excuse for someone to debut their fursona to the public. Although, notably in a deeply un-kinky way this time — interesting! There was also an absolute DELUGE of build-a-body era gowns shown at the Paris couture shows this week, including the most literal pair of panniers to date at Dior. But most notable to me was this Schiaparelli gown worn by Kendall Jenner that corseted her body into its smallest possible size before tacking on these bulbously curvaceous padded-out hips done in the same nude boning to give the impression that its her real body under there. And then we saw the obsession with thematic dressing as film promotion overtake one of the most normie celebs in Hollywood, which is how you know it’s really become the new red carpet standard. Jennifer Lopez wore both a dress and a catsuit version of this exact same look covered in a bedazzled spiderweb to promote her new film Kiss of the Spider Woman. Yes, that is the real name of the movie, I am not even making that up. Like I said at the top of the year, we are swiftly turning press tours into immersive theme park experiences in which the star is forced to be in costume as their character at all times. In this case, an arachnid-mammal hybrid who likes smooching.
And I just wanted to included these two moments because the spon con is conning. Despite the many, many articles and newsletters I’ve written on the topic of unmarked celebrity ads masquerading as street style in an attempt to save the masses from falling prey to these types of sartorial stunts, I see that people are still having great difficulty identifying them for what they are. But not you guys!!! I am incredibly proud every time a reader calls out one of these heavily logo’d paparazzi set-ups for what they are, as was the case this week with this Louis Vuitton campaign Taylor Swift is calling an outfit. In case the abundance of strategically placed LV’s in this orchestrated PDA moment wasn’t enough evidence for you that this is a fully paid for public appearance, the dead giveaway is any time someone this rich and famous wears a singular brand from head to toe. And, as always, I just hope she was paid handsomely for this outing because the look they put her in was truly abysmal. Even by Taylor’s standards. This was clearly the work of a PR assistant sifting through the bin of leftover LV samples that haven’t been shot yet.
This week, Bella Hadid was also “spotted” shopping at the Saint Laurent store, i.e. performing her contractual obligations in front of a paparazzi pal the brand called ahead of time. She then just so happened to exit the store with armfuls of new goods and the logo on the bags casually facing dead at the cameras. What a fortuitous coincidence these were released to the press!! This one is a touch more obvious than the Taylor shots, but I wanted to include it because it is such a boring, overdone trope and brands can and should be doing so many more fun, staged, branded things with the famous people they employ. Like what if the heel on Bella’s non-SL shoe broke right in front of the Saint Laurent windows and she had to run in and buy a new pair of pumps real quick? What if she was caught changing outfits in the middle of the store?? What if she gave away these shopping bags to random people as she walked down the street?!? Give me a narrative! Give me conflict! Give me literally anything to latch onto beside another generic shopping spree. As always, this is just stuff I’m spitballing after ruminating on it for all of two minutes. These brands have entire well-paid departments dedicated to dreaming up this stuff, surely they can figure out something more worthy of our time and attention.
Ok, and this, I’m actually quite torn over. Because while it’s not quite what I meant by obscenely rich people doing obscenely rich people things, it is a valiant effort on Mindy Kaling’s part nonetheless. This is her crocodile mini Kelly that she has adorned with three elaborate diamond brooches spelling out the names of her children, and while it does not possess quite the same verve and opening strains of class warfare as Rihanna’s million dollar toe ring, I do see the vision. Everything pictured here definitely cost an insane amount of money, however, the execution leaves much to be desired. The font, for one, is tragic. There’s something about it that’s very kids’ softball league uniform. As I said in regards to Kylie’s Super Bowl rings and Drake’s bangle the other week, where are they getting these typefaces from. And who will be the first to introduce them to dafont.com. Also, I know there’s not much that can be done about it, but the spacing really annoys me. I don’t like that there’s more letters on the right than the left. That said, she is on to something with the choice to puncture one of the most stupidly expensive handbags money can buy. (What Goes Around Comes Around currently has one in vert listed for $82,500.) Next time, just have your kids finger paint directly onto the exotic leather and let the rage bait work its social media magic.
Clearly, Lisa Rinna heard I’m in love with Sarah Sherman’s clown couture and is now out to give her a run for her rubber nose. And just like Sarah’s many big top-inspired ensembles, I absolutely adore this upside down polka dot cone blouse. Inexplicably, Rinna and Viktor & Rolf are a match made in fashion heaven. This looks like she’s about to perform that magic trick where someone rolls out a table and lifts a cloche only to reveal her head sitting on a platter. I said this years ago when she wore a Richard Quinn tea cozy to fashion week, but I think Lisa is always at her best when playing with full-coverage and extreme proportions. It’s so antithetical to all things Housewives that is really sings. She’s garnered a lot of attention for being 60+ and extremely nude online, but I really think she could be so much more powerful if she shifted away from the super sexy gimmick, and started leaning hard into the alt fashion scene. I even love the emo Ronald McDonald wig with this outfit and I say that as someone who usually hates her wigs.
We also got Kylie Jenner at couture week as it seems she’s finally usurped Kim to become her family’s official ambassador to all high-end Parisian brands. Just in the nick of time, honestly. Kylie at Chanel actually got me thinking……is she the first KarJenner outside of Very Important Chanel Customer Kris Jenner to get invited to this event??? That seems impossible, and yet I can’t remember seeing any of the other sisters clad in tweed in the FROW. Kylie’s appearance there feels heavily Timmy influenced, like they are gearing up to do a Kendall/Bad Bunny for Gucci campaign. Or at the very least a Chanel-branded red carpet couple debut in March……..I actually think this look is cute though, especially by Chanel standards. It’s extremely 90s Karl Lagerfeld inspired, which for me was one of the only non-geriatric eras of the brand.
She then wore this Alaia Fall 1991 black velvet and leopard lace mini dress which Kim wore the catsuit version of in 2019 with a beret. If you have not seen that particular combo, you simply must because it is truly hilarious. It’s very just got back from study abroad-core. While Kim’s was more insanely and joyously styled, between the two, I would say Kylie’s is technically the better garment. But I mostly just included this because one of my favorite little mental games with this family’s Instagram content is to imagine the effort it would take to get my body into the same position they’re trying to make look so casual. And the extreme arch in this one coupled with the head and ass thrown all the way back against the wall just struck me as particularly funny and contrived.
And to round out the week, Kylie walked the runway for the Jean Paul Gaultier x Ludovic de Saint Sernin couture collection and I just don’t think there’s a way to make stunt casting a KarJenner interesting or exciting in this day and age. But I did appreciate that at the very least she worked with movement director Mr. Pat on her walk, and you could really, really tell. What I didn’t care for, however, was this Sprinter plug she did backstage, enlisting Khy model and fellow nepo Amelia Grey in the spon. It makes me feel very old-fashioned, but there’s just something about this I find sooo tacky. Like you’re a guest in JPG’s house and you’re treating it like an appearance on QVC? Save this pluggy behavior for the next Skims campaign, you know what I mean.
And I’m sorry to say, I fear we’ve lost the plot on the nude in public agenda. If we must bare it all, I think it is the bare-ers duty to find interesting and unusual ways via which to present their unfettered flesh. And pulling an XL marled and punctured tight up over your tits just isn’t going to cut it. I like Lourdes Leon thinking here, it just lacks a certain luxe elegance, especially for attending a Saint Laurent runway show. And the leather trench piled atop everything else only conjures connotations of public flashers. Not necessarily a bad thing!!! But if that’s what we’re going for here, really lean in! Drop the hand curtain, selectively open and reveal what’s going on underneath to the cameras as you move down the step-and-repeat, and pop on a giant face-obscuring hat while you’re at it to really up the clandestine sinister aura. And at first, I was annoyed with the posing, I mean, why cover the nipple when you’ve gone to such lengths to expose it. But after seeing Lourdes pose both with and without the modesty panel, I think her instinct to cover up was correct as it felt like this outfit lacked a certain something, a little pizzazz. It was too simple, too unadorned. I feel like this is a problem Cherie Deville’s armored nipples from last week or a layer of plastic wrap à la Martine Gutierrez could’ve easily solved.
As for the face of the back-to-office movement and progenitor of Hollywood’s current nudist moment, Julia Fox’s new MAC campaign came out this week where she is — surprise — totally in the buff. It’s weird because, in a way, this is the moment I’ve been waiting for lo these many years. A modern Emperor’s New Clothes situation fully realized. And yet, I find myself shockingly uninspired. I think largely because Kim K did this better and more iconically in 2016. That, and it’s about two years too late into Julia’s street style exploits for anyone to actually be surprised by her showing this level of skin in public. But also, and most importantly, it’s very poorly faked. Why invest so much money into a campaign and not even try to make a more believable fake subway set. No train in New York City looks like this. The car width? The seats? The laminate tile flooring??? I don’t think so. If you’re going to engage in tomfoolery, invest in it to the max. This is the extremely disappointing Butterfinger dog costumes all over again. The point of a campaign like this should be to make people wonder how they shot it. If Julia really had to stalk through the filthy underground passages of Manhattan before commuters and rat kings alike to achieve this viral image. Also, it would help exponentially if Julia’s hair and makeup actually looked good instead of like Thomas Jefferson learning to do a smokey eye from a YouTube tutorial.
And last but not least, I’ll save you from having to consume the extremely zoomed-in image of Cardi B’s pierced butt crack (unless you, like myself, love to partake in some self-inflicted visual punishment in which case you can do so here), but I felt this update was an important one. As I wrote last April in The Cut, cack really is back, my friends. That said, I’m not sure I would recommend puncturing it. Although, I do admire Cardi’s inspired approach to drawing attention to her intergluteal cleft. Experts are already issuing “urgent health warnings” to the Daily Mail that this type of piercing can take up to a year to heal (lest we forget the endless saga that was Uzi Vert’s third eye diamond) and due to the location is at high risk for infection….yeah, I’m all good on this particular body mod. But it did get me thinking 1. is Cardi currently our most alt-rock celeb? The love of Rick Owens, extensive collection of Margiela Tabis, tons of tattoos, and unusual piercings has got me thinking that just might be the case. And 2. If we’re going to start bejeweling the derriere, why not go for some corset piercings down each buttock so you can tie up the crack with a gorgeous grosgrain ribbon. Could be kind of fab, especially hanging out of that completely backless/assless dress that adult film actress wore to the AVN awards last year that I couldn’t stop talking about. Time to cinch up those cheeks, ladies.
Ok, well much like Dove Cameron’s birthday outfit, this has all been a bit too much, both visually and verbally, so I’m going to go ahead call it there. I’ll be back next week with a fresh installment of Mess Recommends for paid subs featuring all the nonsense I consumed this month, otherwise I’ll see you the rest of you again next Friday.
Adieu, my gorgeous wiener schnitzels!
Hear ye, hear ye!
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Eat up, brothers!
After reading this and listening to the pod, I am AGHAST at the “Kiss of the Spider Woman” blindness on display here. It’s already been a Tony award winning broadway musical! It’s already been a movie with William Hurt and Raul Julia (RIP)! AM I THAT OLD?
I hadn’t notice the Louis Vuitton spon con on Taylor before you pointed it out. What confuses me is, what’s it in for her? She’s already a billionaire, she is already more relevant/famous than ever, critically/commercially acclaimed. Isn’t the point of that height of wealth and fame mean you don’t have to shill for fashion brands?