Howdy, my digital nearest and dearest!
Hope you all had a splendid week since we last spoke. I am once again wondering where all of my free time has gone and what exactly I have to show for it. The answer is more likely than not TikTok and nothing, respectively, but I think I’ve also been feeling this way because I’ve been locked in a whirlwind of writing and various rounds of edits on said writing. And these extremely rainy days in New York have been an excellent companion to that endeavor as it’s forced me to actually sit down and get to business already instead of galavanting about like the springtime flâneur I truly wish to be.
But one of those new stories did finally come out this week, my first for Texas Monthly about the cowgirl-ification of Bella Hadid! It was a fun one and hopefully the first of many over there as I’ve always been a huge TM stan. If you haven’t checked out some of their longform investigative pieces, definitely do. One of my personal favs is The Notorious Mrs. Mossler. A tale about one of the biggest Houston socialites of all time who plotted her husband’s murder, had an affair with her nephew, and so much more. It is exactly as juicy as it sounds!!!
Speaking of titillating tales, I also read the viral age-gap essay on The Cut and phew. All I really have to say is thank god no one let me write personal essays when I was in my twenties and all of my dumb pitches were left unread because there is truly a smorgasbord of thing to hate about this article. For one, 10 years is not the shocking age gap she portrays it to be. She also invalidates her own arguments at every turn. The main one being that dating boys your own age as a 20-year-old just means being their mommy and teaching them how to do everything so some other woman in the future can benefit from your emotional labor. Already, a very grim and transactional way to look at relationships. But also, as she goes on to explain, that is exactly the dynamic she has with her own husband, just gender swapped. And who exactly does she think taught her husband all of those things he’s now teaching her if not the age-appropriate women he dated before her……….She also repeatedly invokes the idea of these bitter, 30-year-old ladies in her husband’s master’s program who she perceives as being jealous of how she’s gamed the system and leveraged her youth to her own advantage. When in reality it’s like, no babe, those are women with fully developed pre-frontal cortices who are not jealous of you, but deeply alarmed that your 30-year-old husband has literally anything in common with a 20-year-old. That’s a big ass red flag if I’ve ever heard one. Anyway. My personal issue with the essay was really none of the above, but rather that it was WILDLY overwritten. She didn’t even need to tell me that she went to Harvard because it was palpable through the prose how erudite and literary she thought she was being when in fact it was just needlessly verbose and opaque. I’m actually surprised anyone even made it to the end. So, in that regard, I’m glad she has a rich husband supporting her while she pursues her writing career because it’s going to take A LOT more practice before she writes something actually readable. But also, congrats to The Cut on another absolute banger. They are single-handedly keeping the personal essay genre alive over there and one of the only publications who truly understands how to make writing that’s designed to go viral. Brava.
Moving right along, I went to my friends’ play last week and one of you gorgeous Messketeers came up to say hi. Surreal! I felt like an actual famous person not just someone who screams about famous people into the void of the internet every week!!!! If you are that woman who made my night, please email me or DM me on some platform so I can give you a comped sub to this newsletter.
And speaking of, this week my paid subs got a full fashion breakdown of The Fifth Element. A triumph of modern cinema that I feel like people don’t fully realize just how much it’s shaped what fashion currently looks like. With the 30th anniversary coming up in a couple years, Gaultier needs to start working on a capsule collection inspired by that movie ASAP. I will buy absolutely everything. And next week, I’m going to be sending out the first edition of Mess Recommends, a little roundup of some stuff I’ve been loving lately, both shoppable and non. So go on and sign up for that so you don’t miss out on anything.
And finally, after I proclaimed the King’s Pajamas to be the official moniker of double corduroy looks everywhere, a new challenger has emerged! A reader suggested the alternate title of “Teddy Tuxedo or Teddy Bear Tuxedo” à la the classic children’s book Corduroy. Which means it’s time for a duel to the death!
Now that that’s been settled, let’s get it.
To kick things off today, I just wanted to share that this is exactly the type of celebrity quote I crave. These are the soundbites we, the public, deserve. As the death of media marches on, I feel like celebrities have forgotten how to give good interview. I mean just look at Jack Antonoff’s reaction this week to a very normal question about his job. In fact, Annie and Millie Bobby Brown might be the only famous people out there still doing it right. Perhaps because they seem to be some of the only ones not afraid to actually have a personality on the record. Understandable in Annie’s case considering she has been maligned by the internet for so long for being annoying despite the fact that, to all appearances, she’s actually very funny and charming. But I’ve been especially intrigued by what’s going on with MBB because every quote I’ve read from her recently is not only detailing some very wild, entitled behavior, but she actually seems genuinely insufferable. And yet! She is just fully getting away with it. Incredible! She literally said the other week that she’s a Karen at restaurants and regularly leaves bad reviews, and I feel like no one even batted an eye! But that’s probably for the best because I want her example to encourage other famous people to start confessing all of their anti-social behaviors as well. We’re going to entrap these people into self-reporting their own cancellation. Everyone keep playing it cool!!!
And I wanted to give a quick shoutout to the first icon to wear the new Margiela merkin in print!!!!!! Now that I see it on her, I realize this really is such a Bjork-coded outfit. I’m so glad she got to be the one to wear it for its official magazine debut and I hope this inspired tens of thousands of letters to the editor about how fashion has become no better than pornography at this point. I maintain that this merkin is so much more interesting than any sheer skirt/g-string combo we’ve seen over the last year-plus, I just hate that it took us so long to get here. And now that she brought it up in this interview, I also need to see these fake hips that she’s wearing under there in person. I would love to know how they’re constructed and what material they’re made out of. And I would also love for any famous person to start rocking both of those physical optical illusions under all sorts of outfits where we wouldn’t expect to find them. Like can you imagine a little artificial bush peaking out from under some extremely low-rise pants?? Major.
Ok. Now it’s time for me to share a very stupid thought I had this week after stumbling upon this image, but one that has haunted me ever since and I must know the answer to. Which is: Do any adults actually wear mittens anymore??? I mean obviously, I see Kyra Sedgwick is doing so above, and I’ve seen plenty of children in them, but I truly cannot remember the last time I saw a grown person just out and about clad in a mitten. Have they simply fallen out of favor? Has the iPhone and our need for touch-screen compatible everything done away with this silhouette entirely? Or does it no longer get cold enough anymore to even warrant such a layer? I am incapable of answering any of these questions because, personally, I find all forms of knit hand coverings to be disgusting. Please know that I am fully aware this is a me problem and not an actual legitimate fashion judgement that anyone else should live their life by. I have a weird thing about layering too many knits atop one another. I need structure and contrast in an outfit and most cold weather dressing combos simply don’t allow for that. Plus, there’s just something about knit gloves that makes me feel like I’m dressing up my hot dog fingers in little sweaters that I can’t abide by. But please, don’t let my freak peccadillos infect your wardrobe! Keep wearing your gloves with pride! And please tell me all about your opinion on the state of mittens:
Now this spon con paparazzi pic might actually be Julia Fox’s finest look to date. She ditched the glitter and took another stab at the Insane Clown Posse makeup and I think it’s really working for her this time around. I especially like the way she extended the eyeliner into the wig, although I do wish it was done with a little more artistry and design instead of just a rough swipe of black hair dye. The goth school girl outfit is great, even if I don’t love a mega-platform ankle boot. At least it’s not another pair of those tired Versace/Valentino horse hooves. My only major note is that if you’re going to rent a dog as a prop for your #AD, why not get a black and white one so your face splotches match? I also feel like they should have worn matching spiked collars. A styling idea that I might actually have to replicate now with my own dog in the near future. Liquid Death, if you’re out there, we’re available for a check!!!
Zendaya has once again found herself in these pages despite never wearing anything actually Mess-worthy. This time around for participating in 2023’s underwear-as-outerwear trend, but going full logomania tighty-whitie with it. I like the idea of pulling the granny panties up above the waistline of the skirt like you’re intentionally sagging, but in a glamorous way. Considering how heavy-handed she and Law Roach have been with the tennis themes for this Challengers press tour though, I’m surprised and disappointed this skirt didn’t look more like an actual bedazzled tennis net.
Anyway, I mostly just wanted to bring up this look because we’ve been mulling over a rumor in the Discord courtesy of DeuxMoi that Louis Vuitton is PISSED at Z for hardly wearing anything from their brand or attending any of their runway shows/events over the past several months despite being one of their biggest and most expensive celebrity spokesmodels. And, instead, she’s getting huge headlines for things like her archival Mugler robot suit or this week’s custom Loewe tennis serve dress. A rumor that I think could have a lot of merit to it considering she has barely been wearing the brand, but I also don’t get why LV is so surprised about the cold shoulder they’re receiving considering they’re the ones who refused to let Law sit next to her at their runway show, kicking off his whole pseudo retirement announcement to begin with……Like maybe treat the person actually pulling the clothes for the famous person to wear nicer next time? idk man.
Lisa Rinna also took a stab at reinvigorating the underwear reveal trend this week in a Viktor & Rolf peekaboo boob stripe suit at The Hollywood Reporter’s Power Stylist event. A particularly embarrassing place to wear this ensemble as it is not very good or well styled. Even if I could get past the controlled burn happening across the chest of this blazer (I can’t), the cups of this corset are nowhere close to fitting Rinna’s boobs. That underwire is bifurcating her chesticles in a way that looks genuinely painful, which I don’t believe is the type of styling power this dinner was intended to celebrate.
On the topic of intriguing top choices, Rebecca Hall wore these Bode boob flaps and animal appliqué-covered trousers to the premiere of Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. I like Bode, but I feel like it’s a brand not really built for the red carpet. Everything I’ve seen from them on the step-and-repeat has been perfectly nice, it all just feels a little off, a little too casual for the event. Anyway, I think this one would work better if these decorative breast screens were more in proportion to her real ones underneath. And I’m not opposed to the trousers! In fact, I’m glad they ditched the cummerbund they appeared with on the runway entirely. But there’s just something very Limited Too to me about all these sequin butterflies. And if we are adhering decorative animals to the garment, why not toss some lizards in there? This is the Godzilla premiere, after all! But, honestly, this whole outfit probably could’ve been saved with just a much prettier choice of shoe.
My absolute favorite thing that happened this week though has got to be the Judd Foundation suing Kim Kardashian for claiming that the tables and chairs in her Skkn by Kim office are authentic when in fact they are cheap copies. HILARIOUS. I wish I could provide you all with an audio recording of the cackle I let out upon reading this headline! This legal dispute also could not be more symbolic of the nature of her entire being — a poor imitation of something actually creative and tasteful. According to the suit, in a 2022 video tour of the office space, Kim brags that it’s filled with Donald Judd originals, specifically La Mansana Table 22 and Chair 84, when in fact they are tables and chairs “in the style of” Judd produced by the interior design firm Clements Design, who are now also being accused of trademark and copyright infringement. This should come as no surprise considering this type of behavior is the Kardashians’ professional bread and butter. They have been making cheap duplicates of copyrighted designs since the dawn of time (just ask friend of Mess d.bleu.dazzled or look at all the poor Balenciaga imitations Kim is currently selling as her own designs under Skims), but it’s amazing to see what happens when they finally fuck with the wrong brand. Of course Kim was trying to cut corners while simultaneously flexing because just one of these tables costs $90,000 (only three have been sold in the last 15 years) and every chair costs another $9K. According to the suit, Kim’s team apologized for the error shortly after posting the video and offered to “update the video caption with a retraction.” The Judd Foundation said absolutely not, delete the video and destroy the furniture. Kardashian then replied with an offer to promote the foundation in a separate social media post, and they once again said, nice try, loser, and are headed to court. Truly baller behavior on the foundation’s part. It’s so spectacularly silly to be a billionaire buying high-end furniture dupes, but not surprising in this particular case. And, if you ask me, it does seem like further evidence for my theory that this family’s supposed fortune is a whole bunch of smoke and mirrors that could actually come toppling down at any second. Much as that Forbes retraction previously suggested. I mean, how many products did Kylie launch this month alone? 5???! Sounds a little desperate!
Anyway, these women are so divorced from reality, I do love when they try to do something they think is going to be “relatable” such as faking a yawn while standing in the midst of a showroom of beige product samples. Running an empire of things nobody wants to buy is tiring, y’all!!! And speaking of dupes, anyone want to take a guess at who designed this all-black spandex look she’s wearing? I feel like the fact that the sock booties aren’t attached to the leggings is a dead giveaway. Although, I suppose this could just as equally be mistaken for Yeezy dead stock. I also think Kim’s inability to match black to black is going to be the death of me.
In further comedic developments, Kim’s stylist posted this awful photo edit to Instagram and I would love to know the thought process that led to its creation. For some reason, Dani took this Instagram photo Kim already posted of herself wearing Balenciaga during Paris Fashion Week, flipped it, and then superimposed it onto this completely nondescript, all-black stairwell with the caption “unreleased”…….ok! Looks terrible, thanks! I also just need Kim to decide if she’s all-aboard the scandalous fashion train or not because we should’ve gotten a casual topless moment like this at the actual runway show not just hidden away in her hotel suite. But instead, all that Kim’s sudden decision to almost free the nip got her was a whole bunch of comparisons to her ex-husband’s new wife Bianca. A comparison that should make Kim very nervous about the tenuous nature of her fame. Because it reminded me of when Kanye first started dating Julia Fox and every single headline was about how Julia was copying Kim’s outrageous looks, and now we’re getting the reverse of that sentiment. Kim is the one playing outrage catch up. And being runner-up is a very dangerous situation for someone who has built their empire on setting every shocking, almost-nude trend to be in…..I feel like she needs to pick a lane between being genuinely chic or aggressively provocative and fast if she wants to continue to enjoy the cultural supremacy she’s worked so hard over the last decade to amass. At the very least, I’m begging her to get a new stylist already. I can’t take anymore of these white tee and low-rise leather pant combos.
Someone else whose graphic design team could use a serious overhaul is Beyoncé. I don’t love to talk about this woman anywhere on the internet because, much like Taylor, I find the fandom to be far too rabid to accept any form of constructive criticism I may have to offer (even though I count myself amongst their ranks!). However, I have held my tongue on the photoshop jobs and early Tumblr GIFs her team has been producing to showcase her outfits for far too long. There’s got to be a cooler, more creative way to to do an OOTD than copying and pasting these iPhone pics onto generic backdrops. I need much, much better for the current reigning queen of pop. That said, I do like this custom Marine Serre outfit quite a bit, especially the crescent moon boob accents (a design detail I also just praised in my Fifth Element recap!). And these junderwear vagina vents are also fun, although I would’ve preferred if they were flashing hip joint instead of fabric lining. I find this to be a touch over-accessorized, but I thought the American flag scarf was a fun piece of outrage bait that I’m surprised Fox News and their ilk didn’t pick up on because I feel like they live to shit on famous people, especially famous Black people, “denigrating” this sacred symbol of patriotism. And especially considering how upset people got over her inclusion of it on her album cover. Like Bey hasn’t heavily incorporated the flag into her iconography throughout her entire career……Anyway, it’s for the best we don’t have to embroil ourselves in that pointless discourse considering we have much bigger fish to fry culturally at this point, like actual nazis, pedophiles, and sex traffickers for one. The latter of which it’s starting to seem like we might discover Bey is married to in the very near future…..
Anyway, now that Beyoncé has officially ushered in this yeehaw era, the floodgates have fully opened on Western wear. Which is why I’m going to have to blame her for the return of these coastal cowboy hats as well. A beachy chapeau I genuinely have not seen on someone’s head since probably circa 2005 when that Dukes of Hazzard reboot came out. We need to give Jessica Simpson her flowers for being the first to convince us all that this and a pair of cowboy boots was a must-have look even if you lived, as I did at the time, in rural Maine.
As we swiftly approach the conclusion of today’s newsletter, allow me to offer you all a personal-sized Panera bread bowl as an expression of my condolences for what I’ve put you through here today. A size of bread bowl I did not previously know was possible and that you better believe I will now be serving at my future wedding.
Before you skedaddle, please pay no heed to Rob Lowe’s sign and take all the screenshots you desire of the truly alarming things I’ve placed before your eyeballs and then disseminate my torturous musings to your many followers on social media. Why should you suffer under the yoke of Mess alone!
And don’t forget that if you want to hear even more of my troubling thoughts, be it on The Fifth Element, the random stuff I’ve been buying lately, or anything else, make sure to sign up for a paid subscription posthaste. Otherwise, until we meet again, may your days be as serene as the nap Demi Moore’s dog Pilaf is taking whilst ensconced in Dakota Johnson’s bosom.
Oh, Captains! My Captains! I salute you! Farewell!
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