Hi, Messketeers!
Delayed email today because I’ve been scouring high and low for some fashions I find entertaining enough to share with you all. Alas, it seems we’ve officially entered the end of summer slump. Everything fun is being stored up for the fashion month and Emmy Awards blitz ahead. But even so, I’ve cobbled together some salient items, and there’s even more behind the paywall of last week’s email that should satiate until next month’s onslaught begins. I also have two thrilling announcements on that front that I can’t share with you yet, but please know that Messketeers will be FEASTING come September.
As I previously mentioned, I spent last weekend at a friend’s lake house upstate and it was insanely gorgeous. Like Architectural Digest business between the views and the Americana Ralph Lauren catalog digs. Also, I can recommend nothing more highly than having a group of friends where everyone is a spectacular, casual home chef, especially when you personally are deeply mediocre and unimpressive in the kitchen.
This trip is also how I confirmed what I have long known, which is that Fran has absolutely zero recall. Actually, no, that’s not the truth, Ellen. She does technically have recall in that she absolutely knows her name and why I am screaming it. But she is also actively making the choice to ignore me and not be recalled because it does not align with her vision of what she should be getting up to in the great outdoors. Which is how she found herself belly-deep in the lake in pursuit of some ducks. However, it was extremely cute to watch her intensely snuffle the lake air, wriggle her way through the shrubbery, and gallop across the property at full speed. But if anyone has tips on how to convince the most bullheaded dog on the planet to come back no matter what people or animals are around to distract her, I’m all ears.
The only other rogue musing I have to share with you is that I have developed a new conspiracy theory, which is that Spotify has intentionally made their shuffle function evil in an attempt to get everyone to use DJ X, who is my personal enemy. I do not care for him or his quippy repartee. Every announcement feels like an inditement of my character and an unforgivable condescension. He’s always saying stuff like, “Here’s a song you probably don’t know, but I think you’ll really dig,” and then playing The Beatles or some shit. So in an effort to evade him, I will go to my liked songs and just hit shuffle, a feature I believe the app has now intentionally destroyed. Because tell me why it is trying to play Fleetwood Mac’s “Oh Daddy” after EVERY. SINGLE. SONG. A song that I have never given any indication that I enjoy and have only ever religiously skipped when listening to Fleetwood Mac. I knew Spotify was actively trolling me though this week when it started doing the same thing but with “Smooth” by Santana………like, not no, but WHY.
Oh, and I posted a new YouTube video recapping July in celebrity fashion if you want to check that out:
Okie-dokie, folks!
I know you’ve been on the edge of your seats wondering what’s going on, so let’s begin with a quick Beckham update. I just wanted to once again point out how radically more PR savvy Cruz seems to be than his big bro Brooklyn. He has once again leveraged their impossibly dull family feud to draw attention to his burgeoning music career, and as always, Brooklyn and Nicola would be wise to take notes. Like the Daily Mail is working OVERTIME to read controversy into this absolute nothing of a tune, and they would be doing the same for the Peltzs if they were even a modicum better at their job (being famous for doing nothing).
Personally, I think the most genius possible move for both would be to pull a reverse Oasis and bury the hatchet by starting a family band together. With Brooklyn’s inexplicably captivating uselessness and Cruz’s innate understanding of media manipulation, they might finally be able to capture the level of public attention they crave. UK Jo Bros incoming! omg The Beck Bros!!!
This Is How You Spon Con
Brooks Nader has been on a self-promotional PR blitz this week, which I typically find exhausting, but sorry, this is great. These are exactly the types of ridiculous OTT paparazzi images I crave. It is the job of the professional entertainer to entertain us, and Brooks is doing precisely that, taking a glamorous dip in the Mediterranean in her full Gucci fit. This is Mariah Carey jumping into the ocean in a silk negligee and diamonds at the beginning of the perfect TV show that is Mariah’s World, which faithful readers know has long been my benchmark for divadom. The shot with the heel straight in the air is fine art. Give me an eight-page spread of that in Vogue. Of course, the fact that this is a full Gucci look (not to mention the fact that Deuxmoi is posting it with the outfit credit and without a #ad) should communicate to you all loud and clear that this is a paid advertisement from top to bottom. But even so, it’s an exceptionally executed one fully befitting Gucci’s uber sexy/Eurotrash brand identity under Demna, and so we must applaud it!
Graphic Design Is My Passion
And this is how you know it’s been a slow week because now you get to hear me randomly wax poetic on Daniel Boulud and his obvious passion for graphic design. I genuinely find these uniforms to be very striking. There’s something Shayne Oliver’s Helmut Lang about it all. Like Off-White wishes. I also love the idea of a numbered posse of men so you can keep them all straight, and I do think a knee-high boot like this needs to enter the red carpet conversation asap.
Who Let the Dogs Out?
Of course, there was one massive Mess-coded fashion spectacle that transpired this week—the Chanel barefoot shoe made its red carpet debut on Margaret Qualley at The Dog Stars premiere. First and foremost, she looks incredible. But my main takeaway from this stunt was just that it’s crazy how effective luxury rage bait like this continues to be. The public’s outsized consternation over the extreme lack of practicality IS the point of making a shoe like this to begin with!!! Everyone is now talking about a heretofore very uncool luxury brand in a way they have not been talked about in ages.
I personally do not feel that this heel cup is worth all the conversation, but as The Cut first pointed out, I do agree that it is extremely appropriate to let the dogs out at the dog movie. But I also think Chanel could’ve gotten a WAY bigger splash out of this quarter shoe with a debut on the NYC sidewalks instead of the step-and-repeat. People love to rampage about hygiene in a comment section. Or even better, send Kristen Stewart to Cannes in a pair and let that festival’s tyrannical governing body have a conniption.
Long story short, I like them. They’re completely insane. And the price tag is just as bonkers. It’s a book corner protector masquerading as footwear. This feels like a play straight out of Karl Lagerfeld’s book who knew that Chanel is at its best and most buzzy when it’s completely impractical. I’m thinking of the torso-sized $8K tote bag Matthieu Blazy’s got Dua Lipa dragging around Europe right now. Or Karl’s micro-kini, the hulahoop bag, the water bottle holster, the list goes on and on.
Poultry Patrol
Meadow Walker attended the Fast and Furious 25th anniversary event in these very poultry-esque Bottega Veneta pants. But I’m actually not bringing them to your attention to discuss their fowl nature, which by now you are all too acutely aware of. Instead, I just wanted to highlight that I feel like outrageously textured trousers are one of the most underutilized ways for famous people to create an attention-generating outfit, and when they do wear them they are almost always Bottega. There are so many more opportunities for funky Where the Wild Things Are x Opening Ceremony pants to steal the spotlight. Here’s hoping for a centaur fall.
Ahoy, Matey!
Something else that is currently transpiring in the pants department is that I’ve been noting a steady uptick in this type of pubic placket detailing. I have no further images to offer you as evidence, you’re just going to have to take my word for it when I say that my trend forecast spidey senses are tingling. And I would hope that after every harrowing outfit we’ve been through together, you know just how real that sense is by now. While I’m not into the nautical look in general as it brings on millennial twee flashbacks, I am especially not into SZA’s Donald Duck spandex shorts. Nevertheless, keep an eye out for more sailor pants headed your way in the very near future.
Klutz Core
And by now, I think everyone is pretty acutely aware that we find ourselves in the midst of a Pretty Pretty Princess aesthetic renaissance. Something extremely 90s craft bucket is afoot out there amongst the impossibly wealthy. To the point that it’s now even bizarrely trickled down to Oscar the Grouch. But while I’ve seen plenty of outlets talking about the fact that this is happening, what I haven’t seen is any attempt at explaining why.
To be fair, I’m still mulling it over myself. Is it a gaudy, chintzy response to quiet luxury? An attempt at proletariat relatability amidst an economic downturn, hiding away their usual conspicuous signs of consumption? For me, something about this return to Klutz Books core feels vaguely infantilizing, or like an attempt to abandon all adult responsibility by regressing to the pre-teen self. The sister of the bagmaxxing trend, in a sense. I mean, I say that, meanwhile, this has been my iPhone case for the last four years.
In a more optimistic light, perhaps we’re all just collectively healing our inner children. But whenever an aesthetic is suddenly picked up and rapidly proliferated by the uber rich, I can’t help but feel it’s worth considering what deeper motive might lurk beneath.
Ok, tragically, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Take your complaints up with the tabloid gods. But I will leave you with these salient words of wisdom from Mr. Joe Exotic himself: It is, in fact, all corrupt girl. I’ll see you back here next week with another alarming smattering of style. Until then, toodle-oo!
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