Fudgy people!
Clavicular got frame mogged.
Greetings and salutations, Messketeers!
Welcome back to the best newsletter on Substack about the worst outfits you’ve ever seen in your life. I hope you all had a fabulous Super Bowl weekend and binged on a buffet of snacks Mike Tyson would deem “fat and nasty” while taking in the musical genius this is Bad Bunny. As you can probably tell from today’s title, I can’t stop thinking about that stupid ad. It’s so goddamn funny and since RFK shared that photo of himself with Tyson’s face tattoo photoshopped on his as if to say “we are all fudgy people,” I think we need to bully him into getting it inked for real. If you’re so MAHA, go put some tiger stripes around your eyeball, you coward.
Anyway, I haven’t been up to much of anything lately. I mostly just spent the week working on filming some new YouTube content for y’all that will be out next week. But I did briefly sally forth to Manhattan to attend a Dries Van Noten perfume event with Jess where we spent much of the evening ensconced in a corner of the store gossiping, but man I love that brand so much. Everything is so beautiful and elegant yet funky and exactly what I want to wear. If only I had the bank account to support that vision. I also have got to stop smelling luxury perfumes because it only ever leads to heartbreak. Thanks to the sampler Balenciaga sent me last year, I’ve already unfortunately fallen in love with the scent “No Comment” which even if I just bought the refill would still set me back a cool $275. And thanks to Dries, I now have an all-new set of fragrance obsessions that cost even more. Thankfully, the samples they gave us are generously sized and have crazy longevity, so I’ll make due for now.
In further fashion week news, KCD once again tricked me into requesting invitations for shows they are not inviting me to………this is straight up a bi-annual humiliation ritual at this point. So the only thing I did to commemorate the season is make the long haul up to the Upper East Side to celebrate the opening of Susan Alexander’s second store. The UES always feels like (and is) a completely different universe from Bushwick. And every time I go up there, as a lover of stupidly fancy things, I wonder why I don’t spend more time in those environs mooching off the luxe 1% vibes above my paygrade. Regardless, the new store is so gorge. I am enchanted with the ornately beaded light fixtures and canopied ceiling. It feels like stepping into a jewelry box or the 90s dress-up closet of your dreams. The brand also threw a raucous party in the diner next door complete with burgers, fries, milkshakes, and ample Pocky offerings where I finally got to meet Susan in real life which is crazy as I feel like we’ve been digital buds forever. Also, she called this newsletter a “publication of note” and you better believe I’m going to get that endorsement engraved on my tombstone.
Finally, next week is the long-awaited release of all of my receipts of celebrities engaging foolhardily with my Instagram account! Make sure to upgrade your subscription in anticipation of that hot, hot goss!
Okey-dokey, here we go!
First of all, I feel we’re not talking enough about all the blood filtering currently going on. This is now the second headline I’ve seen about a famous person removing “toxins” from their body by cleansing their blood and I just feel nothing good is coming out of this. Although, Gwyn claims she “felt this immediate unburdening and clarity and lightness,” which sounds super legit and definitely real. I have not thoroughly investigated this procedure used to address the actor’s “chronic fatigue and brain fog,” but it feels like a new echelon of medical orthorexia has just been unlocked. Like isn’t the point of blood that, barring some legit autoimmune situation, it filters itself….. I don’t know. I just think something The Substance-y is going on here and we need to be interrogating rich people advertising $50,000 quack science much, much harder.
An Update on Our Boring Besties
As I said on Notes, sorry not sorry, I love them. This is exactly why Brooklyn and Nicola remain a fixture of this email because, why yes, I would like to see you walk down the street in matching outfits carrying armfuls of perfectly blown out, pristine bichon frises without a single tear stain or yellowed tootsie in sight. An iconic use of calling the paparazzi on oneself! Profoundly mundane, and yet just as inexplicably captivating as ever.
That said, I know she’s going for sympathetic vicim of VB right now, but I do wish Nicola would lean harder into the billionaire baby angle. Like at the very least, let’s get all these dogs some diamond tiaras, girl!
Our Foremost Celebrity Journalist
And just a quick note to say, does anyone remember when Deuxmoi DM’d me to assert that she is in fact held to the exact same journalistic standards as traditional media publications LMAO BECAUSE I DO.
Patella-Based Attire
As a non sports person, my biggest takeaway from Super Bowl weekend is that something patella-centric is a-brewing out there. I first noticed it on the footwear Cardi B wore for her cameo in Bad Bunny’s casita because as an aged millennial my eye instantly zeroed in on these gladiator sandals and I was already getting worked up over that shoe’s potential return when I noticed these leather four leaf clover flaps framing the knee cap. And then I went and looked at her other outfit from that weekend, which was this Chrome Hearts wetsuit for some inexplicable reason, and noticed it likewise has patched knee detailing. Now I’m wondering how much longer until Cardi steps out in a set of Chanel-branded knee pads which I feel like, as the sex-positive rapper who gave us seminal hits like “WAP,” would be incredibly on brand.
Plus, considering this seems to be a joint that almost everyone over a certain age is tearing if not getting fully replaced, I think we could all do with a fleet accessories that give some extra attention and support specifically devoted to that area.
Phantasmagorical Fashions
The famous women yearn to be Victorian ghosts. They want to transform into the phantom of a sea wench so badly because these are some Davy Jones locker-ass dresses. I was already going to touch upon Teyana Taylor’s Ashi Studio Spring 2026 Couture gown, and then imagine my surprise when I saw Margot Robbie rocking the same bedraggled sleeve and hemline ALSO by Ashi Studio but custom, which feels like a funny plagiarizing your own homework moment.
Anyway, I prefer Teyana’s take on the Lady in White aesthetic, mostly because of the texture of this fabric that looks like if Di Petsa started working with those heavy-duty plastic tarps they use for wrapping up lumber. But also, I was just thinking, how much more incredible this gown would be if it ripped and disintegrated under the strain of her walking down the red carpet, like a wet paper towel being dragged over sandpaper. Just something to think about! All these people want attention so badly and yet no one is willing to spend thousands of dollars on a dress that disappears, make it make sense!
Bianca’s Doppelganger
I find it extremely weird that Julia Fox chose to replicate a Bianca Censori outfit beat for beat. Not even because of the Kanye connection of it all, but because it wasn’t good the first time around. I also think it’s time for her to free herself from the hold these Founding Father ringlets have over her hairstylist. But regardless, I just wanted to mention this outfit because I greatly appreciate the footwear. This is the type of non-Pleaser novelty platform I’ve been waiting on. And getting to see Julia teeter-totter down the icy NYC streets in them only makes it all the better.
Mogged!
And Kesha pulled a full Sara Moonves at this event, casually mogging her peers in this boudoir attire, fur stole, and an Elizabeth Taylor-worthy headpiece. This is the Life of a Showgirl attire that was promised and never delivered. And again, this is also the level of absurd ostentation I require from my famous people, particularly as America burns around us. All that’s missing is a buttload of garish, oversized diamonds.
Our Fiber Optic Fashion Future
Rita Ora looks like she just won the pageant title of Ms. Fiberoptic Cable 2026, and this is the fashion future sponsored by Verizon Fios I would like to be a part of. Although, I think there needs to be WAY more wires going every which way. I want a Cate Blanchett top-level of dense texture. Especially when the rest of this dress looks like those spray paint pictures of the galaxy people do in Union Square. Either that, or all of these metallic tendrils need to illuminate and run a full light show like a real fiber optic lamp crossed with those Christmas lights that sync to music.
Ok, that’s been Mess! I hope your Valentine’s Day is as romantic as two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys going Dutch on a heart-shaped pizza. I’ll see you back here on Monday with some celebrity Instagram receipts and again on Friday with even more of this bullshit. Bye!
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As an actual Victorian ghost (aka someone as pale as one and will never be anything but) these ladies are not committing ENOUGH to the bit!!! I shall welcome them over into my pasty ass corner when they start wearing colors that make them look ill aka, what happens to me when I wear white.