Five Years of Mess!!!

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Baby Billy’s Bible Bonkers (aka Walton Goggins and Dax Shepard)

Hello!

Yes, it’s true what the title says. It’s been FIVE WHOLE YEARS of this slop delivered straight to your inbox! I’ve spent this week thinking a lot about how much has changed in that time.

I landed what I thought was my dream job at Vanity Fair only to quit three years later. I’m closer than ever to having this newsletter be my full-time source of employment without additional freelancing, which is easily the most radical professional dream I’ve ever realized. As someone who was diligently working their way up the corporate publishing ladder pre-pandemic, that is something a prior version of myself never would’ve believed possible. That goes likewise for my podcast with Jess — an endless source of new ideas, laughter, and friendship in my life — as well as the Mess YouTube channel. Willingly getting in front of a camera and posting that footage on the internet would’ve been the most laughable idea in the world to me back in 2020 (especially considering my one previous foray into that medium). But then again, so would writing down all of my goofy thoughts about fashion and celebrities and sending it out to over 16,000 people every week, some of whom like those goofy thoughts so much they’re willing to pay for them!

Like I said on Wednesday, I’m immensely grateful. It’s honestly hard to wrap my head around that I’m not just shouting into the void here every Friday. Mess started because I was fully unemployed after quitting my job at the New York Post in a pretty spectacular, extremely public fashion. I was sleeping on my sister’s couch in Rhode Island at the onset of a global pandemic, every publication had just indefinitely shuttered their freelancer budget, and my friends were growing weary of my relentless barrage of texts containing paparazzi images of celebs behaving foolishly. So when I heard about this new website Substack where all my writerly friends on Twitter were flocking, I figured why not. I certainly had nothing better to do. At the time, Marie Kondo’s Netflix show was all the rage in a way a new, boring Netflix show could only be all the rage during COVID, and that meme of her saying “I love mess” was constantly circulating around the internet. My friend Michael suggested it as a name for my newly launched publication, and I was hesitant at first as I thought everyone would associate me with Marie and tidying up for the rest of time, but it was also a perfect encapsulation of my worldview and so I forged ahead. And thus, Mess was born. For the first probably two years I wrote pretty much exclusively for people I actually know in real life, and I’m so grateful to that time for giving me the space to figure out what this newsletter is, who I am, and what I want to sound like on the page. It was a slow process, and it’s still very much a work in process, but I’ve loved getting to hone my voice, thinking process, and critical eye right alongside you all. Mess is the most fun and most natural thing I’ve ever gotten to work on, it is truly my brain dumped straight into an email. I hope to get to do this for many, many more years to come and I can’t wait to see how Mess grows and what form it takes next. <3

Speaking of new forms, as promised, I did my first ever Substack Live with

Alyssa Vingan

on Thursday where we chatted all about Kim’s new role as the face of the American neo-nazi party. But as happens when Alyssa and I yap, things quickly went off the rails and our conversation touched on all sorts of random pieces of Kardashian trivia. You can listen back to that chat in the post below if you missed it and are so inclined. For some reason Substack only saved the audio, not the video, so you will not get to gaze upon my cute glasses but you will get to listen to my cute voice:

And like I wrote in that post, I would love to do some more livestreams in the near future! So please let me know if there’s anything in particular you guys would like to hear me pontificate upon.

And alas, while you can’t see my new frames in the livestream above, my giant glasses did make their official YouTube debut and people over there have been very complimentary about them. And not just because I started off that video by telling everyone to shut up unless they have something nice to say. I really appreciate it. Being perceived, as someone who is violently opposed to being perceived in any capacity, can be very challenging, but all the support you guys show me makes it infinitely easier.

Ok, I have a handful of pressing thoughts that I must get off my chest, and then I promise to send you promptly on your way. Onwards, my bad taste enthusiasts!

Double-D Disappointment

A model on the Duran Lantink Fall 2025 runway and Rebecca Black promoting her tour with Katy Perry.

I was going to write about this last week, but decided to wait a beat so I could mull it over and see if both still irked me after some time had passed. And now it has, and they still do, so here we are.

In short, I do not like the way women’s bodies are being overtly used as punchlines in both these scenarios. What is the joke exactly……What is funny about this. Big boobs? Plastic surgery? Being gender nonconforming? Being trans? Being a woman??? It feels like both are vague attempts at being subversive in the 😜 emoji type of way, when in fact all they’ve actually produced is just an incredibly regressive piece of conservative propaganda. It reminds me of early aughts humor that was really just thinly veiled bullying and punching down as a means of maintaining the cultural status quo. An attitude and a brand of comedy that feel particularly dangerous given the current administration and the very real, very serious threat to the rights of women, trans, and non-binary people.

I think that aughts comedic sensibility is quite obvious in the image on the right of Rebecca Black in large prosthetic breasts taken from a promo video she and Katy Perry did for their upcoming tour. I think this content is far less grave than the image on the left and the public’s response to it, but there’s still something about it that really rubs me the wrong way. Again, I just don’t think there’s anything inherently hilarious about being big chested or choosing to get implants.

I think the runway look on the left from Duran Lantink’s Fall 2025 show, however, while much subtler, shows just how insidious this type of casual body shaming can be and how it actually feeds directly into the right-wing gender essentialist agenda that I imagine most people in that room, if asked, would probably say they’re vehemently against. I initially shared this video posted by Interview EIC Mel Ottenberg to the Mess Instagram account because I was just surprised after repeatedly writing about this trend at the end of last year to see yet another one of these faux bodysuits making an appearance, especially on a runway, and gender-flipped for the first time as it’s overwhelmingly been women in masculine muscle suits until now.

But the more I learned about this particular event, the more distasteful I found it to be. For one, everyone in the room laughed uproariously when this male model came down the runway. Interesting, considering no one so much as giggled when model Mica Argañaraz walked that same runway wearing a faux men’s torso. So, what’s the difference, folks…….This male model also grabbed and lasciviously jiggled the fake breasts as he walked the catwalk, again making a joke out of having a piece of female anatomy and also needlessly sexualizing that body part in a way that undermines any greater symbolic meaning this moment may have been intended to evoke. Although, it seems like the only thing that was intended was pure PR stunt.

I don’t know, I feel like I’ve been struggling with both these examples all week because to talk about them in this way, as someone who considers themselves an extremely openminded champion of both nudity and camp, makes me inherently feel like a big, old prude and a party pooper. But at a time in history with so much rampant, violent misogyny and transphobia, I can’t help but feel like both these moments cross into some not so lighthearted, even dangerous, territory that is worthy of further interrogation.

A Hairy Situation

Kim Kardashian getting ice cream in a Margiela hair vest.

Speaking of propaganda, I briefly mentioned this image on the livestream, so I figured I’d show it again here just to reiterate my point. And that point is this: our 21st century Magda Goebbels needs to not only consider her outfits, but also consider the context in which she’s showing us those outfits and make all of the above far more exciting. Because, as the commenter in the screenshot above noted, calling the paps on herself while pretending to go get ice cream is sooo 2013 Kim behavior. Although, unlike the Kim of that era — or even the Kim of this current era — the outfit is actually good! Even though, I must point out, everyone wants to wear a hair shirt and nobody wants to wear the wig to match. Why!

Anyway, it’s not enough anymore to just turn lewks, the context in which the lewk is turned is equally important when in pursuit of maximum PR and outrage generation. Like, at the very least, wear this outfit to the hair salon. Wear this while walking a pack of lusciously long-haired golden retrievers. Or, as I suggested on the stream, Kim needs to start exploring what other multi-billionaires she could be brushing shoulders with and pulling into her orbit. For example, fine, go get ice cream in Margiela and leather if you must, but why not invite along Warren Buffett as your date? It’s time for Kim to embrace the evil pro-authoritarian villain persona and go full mask-off Gordon Gekko with it.

Horcrux Acquisition

Timothée Chalamet paid $25,000 for Bob Dylan’s old jean jacket.

Like I said back when Timmy rode that “not sponsored” Lime bike onto the red carpet at the London premiere of his film and then just so happened to angle all of the bike brand’s logos directly at the sea of cameras awaiting his arrival, this is a man who has been taken under Kris Jenner’s wing and is quickly learning the ropes from the best in the biz. In fact, he just might be the momager’s finest pupil. As you should all know by now as staunch stans of this newsletter, acquiring an object that formerly belonged to an extremely famous person and then being photographed in it is a page straight out of the Kim K fame playbook. A means of cementing your name alongside theirs for the rest of time and absorbing their Americana pop culture aura via osmosis. It is legacy brand building akin to collecting famous icons like trading cards, or horcruxes as I’ve often referred to Kim’s disturbing collection of dead women’s stuff. (If you need a refresher, you can read all about that in my Art News article.) With this move, Timmy is well on his way to proving himself to be the greatest KarJenner to ever do it. Can’t wait for his DTC men’s skincare line and cologne to drop next. Tim x Skims, when??

Karma’s a Bitch

JoJo Siwa would like you to pay attention to her again, please.

And now it’s time for the moment you’ve all been waiting for — JoJo Siwa’s latest stupid outfit! It’s simply been too long since we got a good, old fashioned red carpet stunt out of this gal. As always, an epic failure on every level, but oh what a treat to behold. My first thought wasn’t even about this stick-on rhinestone eye mask or the headpiece clearly constructed out of plastic hair extensions hot glued around one of those styrofoam wreaths from Michael’s, but rather whether or not Versace approved of this ensemble. My guess is HELL NO. Although, Donatella does have a lot going on at the moment so perhaps she was distracted and this slipped through the cracks. But considering all of these pieces are currently for sale on the brand’s website, I’ve got a feeling this ensemble was purchased not loaned. Much like this hard-front wig that JoJo confirmed she found online, by which I presume she means on Amazon. Plus, as you can see this Canadian tuxedo has really been put through the wringer of JoJo’s mom’s bedazzling gun because, yes, that’s right, the pop star is STILL letting her mom design everything she wears. When will the madness end. JoJo, I promise you can hire a professional stylist and still do exactly this same gimmick but at a much more elevated level. And you won’t even be guilted into forking over your entire Coogan account to keep them around. Also, why does the crystal orb in the center of her hair ring kind of look like a yassified COVID-19 virus? It’s corona meets Chromatica. Ok, once again, maybe JoJo’s on to something after all.

Black Tie Overalls

Tori Spelling in an overall gown.

And in further news of unlikely sources of inspiration, I normally wouldn’t feature the fashion stylings of Tori Spelling in this newsletter as I find her to be poorly dressed in a depressing way versus poorly dressed in a way that sparks the imagination. However, I made a small exception today just to say that in all of my time doing this, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a formal overall evening gown. While this one is very clearly atrocious and plucked straight from the bargain clothing stores of Santee Alley, I actually don’t hate the concept. In fact, how have we not already seen this with one strap undone and casually tossed over the shoulder at the Country Music Awards…How has Julia Fox not worn such suspenders as tenuous nipple covers……..I’m ready for someone with more swag and more provocative fashion acumen to take on this unique, down-home approach to fancy dress. Also, if anyone can think of some overall-based ball gowns in recent memory, I’d love to take a gander.

A New Mess Muse Has Emerged

Meet Zoe Ko, your new DIY diva.

Ok, and in my Daily Mail travels this week, it appears I may have stumbled upon a brand new Mess Muse for us to enjoy the outlandish fashions of, and her name is Zoe Ko. A woman who poses an existential threat to Julia’s red carpet crown and who, much like the Uncut Gems muse, has got to be at least a casual reader of this content because these outfits are a little TOO on point in terms of every trend we’ve ever spoken about in these pages.

Zoe first caught my eye at the iHeart Awards where I stumbled upon her in this gorgeous homemade plastic ensemble. Yes, that’s right, the musician made and styled this outfit herself out of 50 shopping bags, a roll of packing tape, and one Savage x Fenty bra. We love an artisan. Maybe JoJo could give her a call. And the build-a-body cone bra only enhances everything else going on here. Much like the formal denim suspenders above, I feel we are not using the iconic “Thank You” shopping bag print nearly enough on a red carpet garment.

My discovery of Zoe’s trash fit then sent me spiraling deeper into the Getty Image archives of this woman where I discovered yet another recent look she wore to the Elton John Oscars afterparty that likewise checks all of my boxes. We’ve got a chainmail top beneath a fur shrug, over a Creations By Lucky dress that looks like a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen, all finished off the heaviest ankle bracelet known to man made out of a Balenciaga style janitor’s ring of keys, fusing together my keychain trend report from last year with

Esque

’s prediction on footwear accessories to stupendous effect. Although, personally, I say keep those keys coming, smother Zoe in a mountain of them from head to pinky toe. In any case, another young starlet and DIY diva I will be keeping a close eye on in the coming months.

Baby Dolls and Hoop Skirts

Emma Chamberlain for Byrdie.

I also don’t typically include professional magazine editorials in Mess as I’m more interested in celebrity expressions of fashion foisted on the public and crafted by a team of “experts” they’ve hired versus those highly curated by media professionals in controlled, retouched environments. However! These two dresses from Emma Chamberlain’s new shoot for Byrdie so specifically address weirdo trends we’ve talked about in this newsletter that I felt compelled to highlight them.

On the left, we have Emma in a Victoria’s Secret Pink costume piece from the brand’s 2012 runway show. The glory days of VS back before the world made them pretend to be “woke” that one singular time. While this piece of paper doll apparel may be 13 years old, it feeds perfectly into the current trend Jess and I have discussed on the pod regarding the rampant infantilization of women going on out there. I wouldn’t go so far as saying that it’s full-blown adult baby — although the white, ruffled brief is not not diaper-adjacent — but it does correlate with this broader desire in fashion right now to transform women into inanimate playthings. An aesthetic direction that feels like we’ve entered into some weird game of bodily autonomy chicken. Which will be first: a grown woman showing up on a red carpet with a pacifier in situ or the Supreme Court stripping us of all civil rights? Only time will tell!

And I had to include this dress on the right because it’s our umpteenth example of a stiff, wired hoop being incorporated into a dress and I’m just fascinated by where this design choice originated from and what it’s going to evolve into. I can’t help but feel like post-modern Southern belle ballgowns are in our immediate future. I mean, that four-leaf clover dress Stacy Martin wore to the Oscars isn’t all that far off. And please note the boobs made strange and the optical illusion full-frontal nudity transpiring beneath this sheer dress. This look was made by Bad Binch TongTong, who after browsing their Instagram account, I’m quickly realizing might be the defining architect of our Dadaist big shapes fashion era.

Illegalize Snark!

TMZ reports that Hailey Bieber is “exploring legal option against online haters.”

And finally, an absolutely incredible headline. I, too, am exploring legal options against my haters. But seriously, I bring up this decidedly atypical piece of Mess content not to dunk on Hailey, as TMZ is clearly attempting to do here, but rather because I’ve noticed this interesting new legal trend brewing out there in Hollywood over the last couple of weeks that has the potential to change the digital gossip landscape irrevocably, and I wanted to bring it to your attention before things really start to snowball.

Basically, stars are finally getting litigious when it comes to the online hater-ade! Hailey is apparently looking into ways to stop the dissemination of fake narratives about her, specifically regarding her supposed cyberbullying of Selena Gomez and the rumors that she essentially stalked Justin for a decade in order to trap him into marriage. I’m no lawyer, but both those things sound a little too nebulous as a high-profile person to pursue some sort of defamation case over, although I suppose their might be some grounds in saying they caused emotional distress?

In any case, Hailey has apparently hired the same lawyer who helped Cardi B win her defamation case against YouTuber Tasha K. Tasha definitively claimed on her channel to millions of subscribers that Cardi was using drugs, had sexually transmitted diseases, and was participating in a lot of rather gruesome sexual acts. A massive no-no on Tasha’s part not to at least use the word “allegedly” in front of any of those statements. Again, quite a different situation from the vague snark tsunami Hailey finds herself in the midst of, but I’m interested to see what legal action might manifest out of it.

This week, we got a very similar story of lawsuits to come, albeit with a much more high-profile defendant, as Jay Z and Beyoncé are apparently also “discussing” taking legal action against Kanye for the deeply abhorrent things he tweeted about their twins’ mental capacities.

And both these cases reminded me of the YouTuber Ethan Klein’s recent announcement that he plans to sue various snark subredditors for spreading disinformation about himself and his wife and encouraging people to call CPS on them to get their three children taken away¹ all because they are Israeli (although, pro-Palestine) and have a very public ongoing beef with Hasan Piker.

I feel like all of these lawsuits have the potential to really reshape what the digital hater ecosystem looks like, both for better and worse. Of course, free speech is incredibly important, especially given America’s current nazi regime and the fact that Trump would 1000% leverage the outcome of any of these suits to squash the free press entirely. Lawsuits like this could also potentially outlaw things like blind items that, sure, often contain wildly inaccurate and harmful rumors, but have also helped bring to light some of the most heinous sexual predators in Hollywood and get them put behind bars. If any actual lawyers out there have thoughts on what a potential snark lawsuit like this might look like and how it might impact things like reddit and gossip websites, I’d love to hear more from real experts!! Let’s just pray they don’t illegalize my right to viciously insult these people’s outfits.

Kate Beckinsale crashing a S&M party.

Ok, my pets. That’s all for today. Thanks so much for reading! I’ll return next week with some additional detritus for us to parse through together. Until then, parting is such sweet sorrow!!!!

The long and short of it is:

• If, after digesting the lengthy tomes I compose here for you every week, you find yourself requiring additional literature explaining what the hell is going on out there, may I recommend becoming a paid subscriber so you never have to wonder again.

• If it’s not you but your compatriots who are befuddled week after week by what they’re witnessing transpire on the red carpet, why not provide them with the cure for what ails them: a gift subscription to this email.

• If further investment in the design dark arts doesn’t fit the budget at the mo’, no problemo. In that case, may I suggest our totally free I <3 Mess DISCORD chatroom where 800+ Messketeers are always available to read through the fine print.

As always, if you can’t afford to pay for more, just ask me about getting a comped subscription. I promise, it’s no big deal. I do it all the time. And if you send over a screenshot of your donation to any abortion, bail fund, Gaza relief fund, or honestly anything that helps stymie Trump’s agenda in any capacity, your next month of Mess is on me.

Ok time to log off, my beautiful Messketeers!

Baby Andy Cohen surfing the web.

1. CPS visited them and found no issue with their parenting or living situation, so these snarkers also wasted CPS’s limited resources.