Hiya, internet friends!
Missed you guys so much during my semi-hiatus last week! But I’m now back home again and reunited with my canine companion after a brief trip down south and a day filled with so many flight delays that it made me question how committed I am to traveling anywhere ever again.
Since getting home, the last couple of days have just been a blur of trying to reestablish some sense of routine and normalcy while also suddenly returning to a very full workload as I accidentally casually committed myself to writing three new stories while on vacation. I am eternally in awe of people who are able to hold themselves to hard and fast schedules and keep their days well-balanced because my impulses vacillate between the extremes of either throwing myself headfirst into my laptop and not looking up again for days on end or ruthlessly procrastinating by scrolling TikTok and taking Fran on long walks to avoid what actually needs to be done. My big goal for the second half of this year is to figure out a nicer middle ground between those two modes where I can enjoy all the full perks of freelance life without stressing myself out by overindulging in them.
Anyway, last week, I indulged paid subscribers in an absolute monster of an email more than double the length of this one completely devoted to my endless opinions on the Met Gala. I went long on fashion’s biggest night and shared my thoughts on just about every look that got dragged down that poorly spray-painted carpet. I even named some of my best dressed of the evening, none of whom were wearing Chanel or named Kim Kardashian, although we talked about them at length as well. And if that isn’t enough to entice you into a paid subscription already, this week I also shared some random recommendations of stuff that I like because for some reason people are interested in that. So if you ever needed to know how I remove my eye makeup, what book I just read, or what extremely basic white woman behavior I’m currently treating myself to, make sure to sign up for that.
I’ve also been working on a couple of new newsletter-adjacent projects recently that I’m very excited about. As if 2024 wasn’t already officially the year of Mess with all the merkins and outlets interviewing me as an expert on pubic hair, it’s shaping up to be an even bigger summer for this little newsletter. While one project isn’t ready to announce just yet (but is coming sooner than you think), the other is that a couple of friends and I are starting to piece together a Mess live show spectacular for this summer. It’ll basically just be an interactive PowerPoint version of what we do here every week but with some swag, a step and repeat, and some trash-themed decor thrown in for good measure. I will keep you all posted as our plans for that continue to develop, and I hope to see many of you there. I also know there are some Substack employees who read this newsletter and I’ve noticed that you guys have started sponsoring other newsletter’s live events……….My DMs are wide open.
Ok, then!!!!!
First of all, RIP to The Portal, gone too soon but never forgotten. A very fun idea that was always destined to end this way sooner rather than later. Considering it was a video stream in Times Square that was on 24/7, this might actually be the least graphic thing that could’ve been broadcasted to Ireland. While apparently a lot of NSFW stuff like this was happening in and around the port, the woman predominately getting blamed for its shut down also happens to be one of the internet’s biggest recurring characters — Ava Louise. Ava is an OnlyFans model and I’m starting to think she might also be the greatest fame performance artist of our modern era and no one is talking about it. I’ve seen a couple of outlets make the connection that she’s the same woman who licked the airplane toilet seat at the height of the pandemic only to immediately get COVID, but Ava’s lore goes so much deeper than that. Ava also made up and proliferated that rumor about Kanye West and Jeffree Starr dating, she dated Addison Rae’s dad immediately post-divorce, she made up a story about Amazon sending her used menstrual pads, and reported Blac Chyna to the FBI in response to being sent a cease and desist for making trafficking allegations against her. Ava has really perfected the formula for staying just scandalous and relevant enough to keep a steady stream of new OF subscriptions flowing in. She reminds me of a young Trisha Paytas in her troll heyday. I can’t wait for these tabloid stunts to get recognized for the artistic masterpieces they truly are when Ava finally gets her career retrospective at the MoMA.
And I just wanted to say: Congrats to the whole Victoria’s Secret team. So brave. So inspiring. Thank you for standing up for the classic size-zero hottie with big tits and refusing to allow cancel culture to strip us of yet another formative piece of all-American entertainment. Someone had to do it!!!
But in all seriousness, I think it’s funny that VS clearly thinks the big reason their last Diet Fenty show was a flop was because it was “woke” when actually it’s just that their business model is poorly conceived for 2024 and they don’t know how to update it. VS no longer holds the pop culture — or market — position it once did and no longer knows how to sell to this new generation and what they’re interested in. So instead of trying to figure that out, they’re just reverting back to their old, tried-and-true formula that has been barely working for years and also does not actually sell bras. I’m sure that models in lingerie and 70-pound winged backpacks stomping a catwalk will always appeal to a certain demographic, but it’s definitely no longer the must-see TV event it once was. The internet is overflowing with thin, beautiful women in their underwear, we don’t need a primetime special to see that. Even within the modeling world, I feel like scoring a spot in this show doesn’t hold the same level of prestige it once did and is also no longer a stepping stone that’s needed to launch a covergirl career. Models can just post their own lingerie pics to social media where the audiences who are interested in that content can consume it directly. We’re living in a new digital era and I think VS would be wise to rethink their entire approach to it. Why spend all this money on a traditional runway show when you could be spending it on celebrity seeding and PR stunts instead. In a world where underwear is now perfectly legitimate outerwear (as we’ll see much more of below), VS should be dominating doing Ugg-inspired paparazzi set-ups with the Hadids.
Now this, on the other hand, is how you execute an exciting media stunt. Perhaps VS should hire Anna Delvey and Kelly Cutrone to consult on their next venture. Of course, the pair hosted their first fashion presentation together last September on the roof of Delvey’s apartment building as she was under house arrest at the time. The clothes were pretty uninspiring, but the post-penitentiary gimmick of it all is undeniably compelling. And I think bringing that media circus to the court room is a great way to guarantee both tons of free press and tons of additional legal complications. Let’s just make sure the clothes are worth the punishment this time! I am concerned, however, what’s going to befall these two when Delvey’s probation finally comes to an end, but until then I love to see a couple of enterprising businesswomen successfully turning the judicial system on its head for a quick buck.
Speaking of innovative divas, this to me is one of the main perks of being famous, showing up and leaving the function exactly when you want to. If seven minutes is all it takes for that BMW check to clear, then 7 minutes is exactly what you’re going to get! I also just need you to know that the “collaboration” Naomi did with them was covering this one, singular luxury car in purple sequins. Why don’t rich people get their cars wrapped in dumb fabrics anymore? It reminded me of back in 2015? 2016? when the Kardashians used to change up their car covers all the time, like Kylie’s black velvet G wagon that could never ever get wet. What a time of excess and indulgence! Why did they stop doing that and why hasn’t anyone besides JoJo Siwa started it up again? Also, please note that Naomi was belted to the max at this event, I believe in an olive version of Kim K’s old taupe straitjacket. My, how the tables have turned. It used to be Kim who stole everything from Naomi!
At least Naomi has now learned from Kim and started stealing from her own iconic archives first before the reality star has the chance to. I have to admit, rewearing the Chanel Fall 1996 haute couture dress you originally wore on the runway to the Cannes Film Festival almost 30 years later is a pretty phenomenal flex. I also can’t believe that Chanel let Naomi actually modernize it by removing the skirt lining. One of the brand’s exceedingly rare forays into the underwear as outerwear trend, especially outside of Kristen Stewart. Looking forward to seeing what couture relic Naomi pulls out of the vaults next time to casually stunt on us all.
But aside from Naomi, Felicity has been absolutely eating these Cannes ladies up on every red carpet. The festival fashions this year have not been anywhere near as gaudy and glamorous as they need to be. The gowns, the diamonds, the old Hollywood elegance — all sorely lacking. As is the patron saint of Cannes, Ms. Bella Hadid. Although, I will say Anya Taylor-Joy is doing a bang up job in her stead, wearing some technically beautiful (if a touch boring) 50s movie star on the Riviera looks. But back to this year’s pet premiere takeover, this Samoyed named Felicity was apparently rescued from the meat trade and got to walk multiple Cannes red carpets on behalf of the animal rights group that saved her while wearing some very elegant repurposed prom dresses. Between this and Dave Portnoy’s Mrs. Peaches, it seems like there’s a new trend of putting rescue dogs in ball gowns complete with long trains, and the step-and-repeat is demonstrably better for it.
Now, here’s something else making this red carpet demonstrably better. I always forget that my absolute favorite thing about the Cannes Film Festival is they let a whole lot of randoms in very fabulous outfits onto the red carpet and once these gals get on that invite list there’s no getting them off. Victoria Silvstedt has been a festival staple for decades. She’s a former model and Playmate of the Year, perhaps explaining her complete lack of fear in wearing this slit that goes up to her belly button in a seaside town known for its sudden gusts. I also find it interesting that she and a few other Z-list guests were all wearing gowns like this with the opera gloves attached. A trickledown of that one Saint Laurent dress that dominated Cannes last year, I guess.
And you best believe my bestie Elena Lenina was also in the building. Back like she never left in even more insane, never-before-seen hair sculptures. If you aren’t familiar with Elena and her work on the red carpet, she is the Juila Fox of Cannes and I have written extensively about my love for her in the past. As always her outfits for this event are a 10/10, absolutely no notes.
Now, just you wait until Nancy Meyers gets a load of this photo of Meryl Streep stepping out on the Cannes Croisette in this white suit and wide-brimmed Panama hat. The next blockbuster rom-com for 70-somethings based in the South of France practically writes itself! Plus, Meryl’s already got the relationship rumors going with Martin Short, just cast him as her co-star and get this thing into pre-production already!
Due to the Met Gala, I haven’t had the chance to chat with you all about Beyoncé’s new chaps and American flag regalia and for that I am extremely remiss because this image on the right in particular feels like an important moment in Mess history. Back in 2020, when I was criticizing Kim Kardashian’s weirdly extensive collection of chaps in this very newsletter on a weekly basis, I never would’ve imagined that I’d see the day Beyoncé willing strapped herself into a set of these butt-baring leg warmers, but here we are. And I have a feeling this is just the first of many in the Cowboy Carter era. The ass-less pant also speaks directly to this year’s butt crack trend, although Beyoncé’s insistence on pairing them with a thick dance tight does not. I understand it’s like a built-in Photoshop filter, but the sheen of the nylon never fails to ruin a look for me. See also Rita Ora at the Met Gala in that body stocking.
As for the star-spangled cape and boots, is it just me or has the American flag become kind of triggering? lol sorry for the snowflake language, but I don’t know how else to put it. It just does not feel like a neutral piece of iconography anymore and it’s going to be a tough one to reclaim. It has a Jan 6 residue to it that cannot be shook. This outfit in particular also gives me big flashbacks to the Lady Gaga Bud Light Dive Bar Tour and a particular pair of Jeffrey Campbells that once dominated Tumblr.
And I don’t even know where to begin with Meg Thee Stallion’s new music video for “Boa.” Much as with “Hiss,” it feels like each and every one of her looks is pulling directly from the Mess mood boards while simultaneously being truly beyond anything I ever could’ve imagined. But the most important look of the video for me has to be this reverse outfit that covers only her head, arms, and gams in these chunks of wet suit. A look which she then accessorized by applying tap lights to the nipples and cheeks. As for what’s transpiring in the crotch region, I cannot begin to fathom. It looks like stereo knobs? My main question is does this still count towards our labia fully out trend prediction if there’s no actual labia whatsoever to be seen? What makes this particular moment even crazier is back during the height of Barbiecore, I jokingly suggested that a fresh, non-pink approach to tackling this trend would be to make one’s self look like a plasticine doll by wearing flesh-tone latex briefs that render you completely sexless. And much like the couture merkins, my terrifying visions of our fashion future have once again come to fruition in a way that’s actually even better executed than what I had in mind. Perhaps it’s time that I start using this superpower for chic instead of evil…..
Never one to be left out of a body-baring conversation or a fashion trend, Rita Ora also stepped out this week wearing a pair of Marni underwear as shorts complete with a Y-front fly. I actually think this is a great outfit, I just wanted to give everyone a temperature check on the current state of high-profile unmentionables. I also just love how quickly the rules of decorum regarding this stuff has changed in my lifetime, from the scandalous invention of the whale tale to lingerie as a legitimate outfit. Back in my day, this would’ve been a matching sleepwear set sold in Limited Too and today it’s a pop star’s running errands fit and I think that’s kind of beautiful.
And on the subject of Mess idols near and dear to my heart, I just want to say that no matter how the music industry may try to change and rebrand her, no matter what deeply 2014 latex apparel they may put her in, or bleach job with no toner they may give her, they could never hide the real Camila Cabello from my prying eye. I can’t explain it, but this photo captures the true Camila, to me. The Camila swaddled in head shop harem pants and scarves I started making fun of back during the Shawn Mendes zombie walks of 2020 and the great car lockout of 2021. It’s something about the way she’s placed this baseball cap so high atop her head combined with the absolutely goofy choice to stand in a ballet first position while just waiting to cross the street that takes me right back to the good old days. To be fair, she does have a strong turnout!
Someone else with a natural sense of rhythm is Shiloh Jolie whom I never want to stop dancing and posting videos exactly like this one. This is all I’ve ever wanted from my nepo babies. This is how they should all be using their fortunes and infinite free time. It is so wholesome and unassuming. She’s not trying to sell me something or book a Broadway show off this audition or even make a TikTok, she’s just privately learning her little choreographies because that’s what she loves to do. It’s nice to see that Angelina Jolie seems to have found a way to give her kids a relatively normal childhood and grounded outlook on life considering Hollywood has been exceptionally desperate to make all of them superstars since they were born and Shiloh could snap her fingers and have a spot on Dancing With the Stars tomorrow. I feel like this video is also very reminiscent of George Michael’s Star Wars self-tape from Arrested Development in the best way possible.
Speaking of nepo royalty, the Kardashians’ extreme brand loyalty will never not be so silly to me. As we saw with Dolce, there are no hideous depths to which they won’t go in the name of upholding a brand deal. Which explains in part why for Psalm’s birthday this year Kris Jenner bought him a toy Cybertruck to match his mom’s, making them perhaps the last two owners of the car in America considering the rest have all been recalled for a million serious safety issues. But now that the Kardashians are all-aboard the Musk train, there’s no turning back. They are ride or die to the end in the most literal sense of that phrase. Possibly the only moral compass that family has is billionaire class solidarity. A reader DM’d me the other week about Kim’s car and jokingly asked if Elon is personally involved in its maintenance given the recalls, and I kind of think he’s gotta be, right? She’s definitely getting some sort of white glove in-home maintenance because Kim having that car is a very important component to legitimizing Tesla as a luxury status symbol and a piece of pop iconography, when the truth is it’s a pile of junk. And the last thing Elon needs right now is a photo of one of these hideous little trapezoidal cars getting towed out of Calabasas.
I already said this in the Discord, but I just need to go on the record with my opinion once again which is that underneath these synthetic units, something very bad is transpiring. The bob wig under the baseball cap in particular has a downright sinister aura to it that makes me feel as though Kim is only doing this pap walk as a means to stop herself from strangling Chris Appleton. The TikTok hairdressers are saying that, based off that one insanely Bianca-coded photo she posted with pink hair, it’s a chemical cut which is when the hair just starts breaking off from excess bleaching and damage. Beyond that, every time we’ve seen an inch of Kim’s real hair in the last year it’s been slicked back in one of Chris’s signature sopping wet looks, which I feel like also does not bode well for the current health status of her strands. I think Kim needs to just permanently give up on the dream of being a Marilyn platinum blonde for real and raid Kylie’s private collection to give us the full technicolor faux hair fantasy, like that one time in Miami when she matched her wig to her Lambo. Much like the wrapping of the cars in impossible fabrics, coordinating wig to whip is also something that is not being done nearly enough these days, if you ask me.
Clearly, Kim just needs to pay a visit to Maya Jama’s extension closet to get herself all sorted out. I actually stumbled upon this image by accident while searching for something else and the idea of a wardrobe built exclusively to hold one’s assortment of hair pieces gave me such a giggle I thought perhaps you guys would appreciate such a dumb and beautiful piece of installation art as well. But now that I’ve seen it, it’s also got me wondering why aren’t all famous people building elaborate wig and extension display cabinets in those giant department stores they call walk-in closets. Seems like a huge missed opportunity to flaunt wealth and excess. Perhaps Beauty Works can sponsor a television program where Maya pimps celebrities’ wig closets, Xzibit-style. I would watch it.
And I’ll leave you here today with this final piece of food for thought. A hard-hitting truth delivered direct from the mouths of Glen Powell’s parents. A joke……and yet. As a pop star who I can’t believe has never dated this man once said, I think we’ve seen this film before. Glen is but a Miles Teller is but an Ansel Elgort as they all ride round and round on the cinematic carousel that is being named the Tom Cruise heir du jour.
And presto chango! Just as quickly as David Blaine doing a sleight of hand at your face or Hollywood turning its back on Glen, we’ve once again rapidly arrived at this newsletter’s conclusion . If you want an even more premium caliber of Mess content in your inbox, make sure to sign up for a paid subscription. Otherwise I’ll see you back here again next Friday! Abracadabra!
Allora:
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Later, creeps!
i recently came across khloe kardashian's wig/extension closet that was organized by the home edit, which looks both as such a masterpiece and extremely hilarious at the same time. if you are not aware of its existence please check it out!!!