DOGE America

There's a little too much weeping on this Wicked press tour for my liking.

Oh, hey there, Messketeers!

It’s been way too long. I can’t believe we haven’t gotten a chance to check in since the catastrophic happened. In the intervening weeks, I’ve been unloading many of my feelings and some of my vague political thoughts on paid subscribers. In summary, everything is extremely bad. We Americans are well and truly fucked. And I am never going to let any of my fellow white women ever forget it. It’s actually kind of incredible how radically scarier and unhinged things have immediately become. An extremely credibly accused pedophile becoming our Attorney General feels a little too on the nose even for this administration. My sick, sad brain just keeps telling me that if Mike Tyson can knockout Jake Paul tonight somehow, some way, it will course correct the trajectory of our failing society. I understand that’s not how any of this works, but no one has ever needed as ass beating quite like that YouTube idiot and our country has never needed the brutal catharsis of such an ass beating more.

One of the small ways I’ve been coping is watching good movies and getting very into baking again. For those who don’t know, I am an iconically bad cook. Well, I always say I’m a fine cook if it’s strictly for my own consumption, I just wouldn’t recommended inflicting it upon a friend. However, weirdly, inexplicably, I have a natural aptitude for baking that can’t be denied. People say it’s all about precision, but that can’t be right because I am the least precise person I know. And yet, somehow, despite my refusal to weigh out any ingredients, my loaves persist. Nay, thrive. Anyway, because of this, my family has put me on dinner roll duty for Thanksgiving so I’ve been trying out a few recipes in advance and enjoying all the carb-y fruits of my labor. If any of you out there have a favorite foolproof roll recipe, please let me know. And if any of you have any advice on how I can learn to cook in a really regular, basic way, I’m all ears.

Aside from pretending we’re not currently living in the worst possible timeline for the continued survival of humanity, I hope you all enjoyed my collab newsletter with Night Out last week. I did in fact go to a Grindr Halloween party and it proved to me that I know NOTHING about posing for photos. Last week, I was also on an episode of the Gabbing with Gib podcast chatting about my SSENSE essay from earlier this year regarding the Bravo-ification of everything. It was a super fun conversation and I hope you’ll give it a listen. I also released a new YouTube video for your perusal:

In Sloppy Seconds this week we talked about Martha Stewart’s devastating takedowns of multiple American sweethearts, touched upon Kim Kardashian’s latest horcrux outing with Princess Diana’s necklace, reveled in Jennifer Lopez’s HomeGoods mania, and gave Troye Sivan some salient fashion advice. The conversations stemming from that email also made me realize that we now have two fabulous candidates for a new installment of Mess Flix and I’m wondering which you’d like to hear my fashion thoughts on most urgently: Barbarella or Blade Runner?

With the formal plug portion of this email now out of the way, I also just wanted to share with you that I went to a Substack party this week and got to meet sooo many people I love on the internet IRL. Always a treat and a pleasure to transition my parasocial besties into actual ones. Substack mixers also always make me realize what an incredibly wide array of topics people out there are writing about. I love discovering writers’ special interests and niche obsessions as someone with some seriously special and niche fixations myself.

I was also thinking that while it’s fun to get to talk with so many random people, Substack should really consider doing a few smaller salon-style gatherings between writers who all share a large percentage of the same audience. Because by far the most illuminating part of the evening, for me, was a conversation I had with a group of women I know I have huge readership overlap with and realizing we’re all currently dealing with similar issues and noticing similar patterns. I feel like not only are those exactly the people we should be collaborating with, but also really learning from.

Anyway, enough of that. Time for an eyeful.

To begin, thanks so much to

em seely-katz

for bringing this editorial image from Re-edition mag to my attention. Longtime Mess enthusiasts know I have an uncanny knack for reading the room fashion-wise, and for better or worse I’ve once again nailed the zeitgeist long before the zeitgeist even knew itself. Not only have we got the medical-grade, full body compression stocking, but also a fur mitten deployed as faux bush. The year of the merkin rages on, my friends!!! Also, an important reminder that stars really should be embracing more trompe l’oeil pubes such as this, especially under all those sheer gowns they love to wear. And please let this image of fashion trends foretold also serve as your weekly piece of irrefutable evidence that if someone in charge would just pay me for my precious thoughts and opinions already, we all could’ve been wearing these very fun, dumb things a full two years ago.

Speaking of things people should do, People magazine really should be leaning more in to trolling the public like this. The way this image ripped through social media causing disgust and outrage across my various feeds — incredibly powerful stuff. I haven’t heard the public talking like this about one of the magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive picks since I worked there and we for some reason allowed Blake Shelton to think he’s hot. I’m not saying you have to let these divisive picks win the whole enchilada, but I do think placing them on a shortlist of runner-ups as they did with Benny is just the right amount of provocative. They should be threatening the public with the idea of having to consume even more lascivious images of the unconventionally attractive. I also think they missed a huge opportunity here to name Benny as the winner of the “sexiest pedicure” category accompanied by a full spread of all of his deeply disturbing toe art. This is how you antagonize your readers like a true edgelord!! People, please call me next year for even more unsettling, yet undeniably viral concepts such as these.

Now, the first actual red carpet garment I’d like to discuss with you today is Cynthia Erivo’s custom Thom Browne gown she wore to the Mexico premiere of Wicked which takes my crone shoulder trend to its logical, and very literal, conclusion. I actually really like this dress and the fact that it leans into the classical Wizard of Oz representation of The Wicked Witch of the West, something that I thought was especially salient when Cynthia recreated the iconic image of Margaret Hamilton in costume as her. But you already know I have many, many thoughts on how this could’ve been improved.

For one, I, like the rest of the internet, believe that this dress should’ve been made by Robert Wun. For as much as I love Thom, this look is very much inspired by a lot of the pieces Wun showed in his Spring 2024 couture. And, if he had designed it, that also would’ve solved my second problem which is that I think the shoulder hands should be facing forward and more closely imitating Hamilton’s hands in that original photo rather than doing this Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” thing. However, I am quite pleased by this structural, exaggerated hip. As I said the other week, panniers are making a hell of a comeback this fall. As for the footwear, I know I’m a broken record on this topic, but I don’t ever want to see another one of these whopper platform heels again. I understand that they do this because actors are short and they’re trying to artificially extend the line of the leg for the sake of the gown, but I am truly sick and tired of this singular style of shoe being paired with every single outfit. Please at least keep it hidden under the column skirt next time. I also think this called for a completely different earring. I was actually thinking some massive, gaudy diamond chandelier thing could’ve been pretty fab, especially if pinned to the outside of this Julia Fox aviation bonnet. And finally, for a dress this particular, I wish the red carpet poses had been equally considered and intentional. Vaguely holding your hands in the same general shape as the fake hands on your shoulders is not going to cut it. I want precision, I want spell casting, I want malevolence.

And on the subject of Cynthia, I just have to say that I’ve been thinking about this little cow print pin cushion she strapped to her noggin all week long. I’m obsessed. I don’t know what it has to do with the rest of the outfit or her character in this movie, but as I’ve always told you we need more fun and kooky hats out there on the red carpet, and this teeny little hatinator that looks like an upholstered pot lid is just the ticket.

The last thing that I’ll say about this Wicked press junket is that this should be a skirt. Jonathan Bailey should be wearing a little black mini skirt tailored exactly like these shorts, and that is a hill I am willing to die on. Practically, it would change absolutely nothing about what’s going on here. These shorts are so free-flowing, most people wouldn’t even notice the switch, but the cool factor would immediately go up tenfold. Like I said the other week, men don’t have to wear ballgowns to blur the lines of gendered fashion. Sometimes, it can be as simple as just snipping open the crotch.

Ok now, WOW. Wow wow wow. When I first started tracking the evolution of extreme nudity on the red carpet, I never thought we would see days like this, but here they finally are in all of their Emperor’s New Clothes glory. First of all, Gavin Rossdale made his relationship with Xhoana Xheneti, the Albanian Gwen Stefani, red carpet official (left). And I have to respect this lady’s commitment to trying to make this moment more of a tabloid story than it is by wearing nothing but a thin layer of tattered mesh atop perhaps the tiniest thong and pasties set we’ve seen to date. And the fact that this dress actually didn’t generate any headlines at all really tells you just how desensitized we’ve become as a nation to seeing totally naked women roll up to these types of award shows. And just in case Xhoana wasn’t enough to confirm that fact for you, we then got artist Martine Gutierrez at the Pirelli calendar launch party wearing a dress that I believe is actually composed entirely out of cling wrap. Genuinely iconic behavior. Would it have been radically more powerful had she ditched the thong altogether? Undoubtedly. But I understand we’re still all at different places in our full-frontal journey. And, unfortunately for Martine, while this dress would’ve brought the internet to a screeching halt even just two years ago, these days it’s tragically nothing we haven’t seen before. Although, I do think she’s on to something with the kitchen DIY transparent garment concept….Addison Rae was aggressively in Martine’s Instagram comment section raving over this look, so there’s still hope yet.

I never foresaw myself becoming a big fan of Tyla’s wardrobe, but here we are. After twice applauding her very considered choices in highly visible underwear, I started following her stylist Ron Hartleben who has quickly opened my eyes to the many fabulous things this woman is wearing on a regular basis. This Roberto Cavalli Spring 2000 blue tiger stripe number is a great dress, although I am always wary of anyone attempting to do an Aaliyah homage (Aaliyah wore this same dress in yellow to the 2000s VMAs). But I thought it was smart to do it in a different color with a slightly different silhouette to make it clear she was in no way stepping to the queen, and I thought the choice in shoe was also perfect. Tyla’s $1 million diamond watch choker, on the other hand, was not. But I am glad to see this silly, little analog Tortured Poets Department trend circle back for one more go-around. Following the Clermont Twins’ lead from a few months ago, Tyla also reminded me that body paint has the potential to be an incredible new frontier for making very naked dressing interesting again (center). And I feel like the photo on the right once again proves my theory about the fabulousness that comes from mixing extreme opposites. The juxtaposition of high and low, effort and effortlessness, is where chic resides. Give me Vegas showgirl feathers with a giant sleep tee all day.

This week, Kesha also took a noteworthy turn on the red carpet for the Glamour Germany 2024 Women of the Year Awards in an homage to her trash bag dress at the 2010 MTV VMAs. Not only did the pop star prove her commitment to serving by changing into a second pair of heels halfway down this carpet, but she was also vigorously vaping the entire time. I love an outfit that comes with its own built-in smoke machine. But the vape wasn’t just for added ambiance, it was also a utilitarian accessory as it appears to be functioning as the handle of this purse composed of a faux chainmail material. Clearly, Kesha got the Renaissance Fayre Fall memo. Also, please note the black-tie loin cloth situation we have going on here. A prominent new trend my paid readers are already all too familiar with. Lately, Kesha’s also been carrying around this Hermès Kelly bag with the word BITCH painted on it everywhere she goes and I love. Although, I do wish the word was slightly more glammed out. Maybe she can get it bedazzled or at least let Candice Bergen work her magic on it.

Well, would you look at that. It appears the time has finally come for me to shut the hell up already. I appreciate all of you for being here and for putting up with my musing. If you want to gain access to even more premium pop culture thoughts from yours truly, make sure to sign up for a subscription. Otherwise, I’ll see you back here next Friday for some pre-turkey day festivities.

Cheers, my friends!!

Yadda, yadda, yadda:

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Ok, I’ve got some autumnal chores to get to so au revoir, mes amis!!!