Matt Rife's Facetuned dick pics.
Bonjour, mes amis!
Fran and I are back in beautiful, waste-ridden Bushwick after spending the week in Providence, RI. My family decided to celebrate an early Christmas as my parents were already up here to accept my mom’s drawing award and we figured it would save everyone the hassle of having to travel during the most unhinged time of the year to travel. My parents rented an Airbnb for the occasion so that I could bring Fran as my sister’s dog — similarly to my last cat Dora — is possessed by some demonic spirits that can make his behavior around an overly friendly puppy a little unpredictable. And while the rental was great and had some absolutely preposterous ocean views with a flock of very loud ducks permanently parked outside, I regret to inform that it was also very haunted. At least, in my mind. If not haunted, then it certainly contained some deeply cursed items that, to me, radiated an aura of poltergeist throughout our visit. Eventually, I came to a sort of resigned acceptance in regards to the turn of the century Raggedy Ann and Andy tucked deep into a dark crevasse beneath the television set in the living room, but then I went upstairs only to encounter a truly ungodly sight — an ancient teddy bear strung up by its neck and dangling from the ceiling because it was being used as a pull to the house’s attic. That is the precise moment I knew something was rotten in the state of Denmark. Absolutely not. My imagination is far too vivid for this type of satanic decor.
Anyway, in more uplifting news, my Elle magazine print article is finally out online! You can read it HERE. It is truly just a professional summation of everything we’ve discussed in this newsletter all year long with an assist from the Fug Girls and an actual fashion historian, Dr. Kimberly Chrisman-Campbell. Although I do have to say, in both interviews when I inquired if they thought things would get even nakeder from here or we’d circle all the way back around to full modesty, both laughed at me and asked how could things possibly get any more nude??? And this was months before Julia Fox’s chastity cage and Tinsahe’s electrical tape merkin!!! Listen, I’m no expert in fashion, but what I am an expert in is desperate D-list behavior. And if you tell these gals there are guaranteed headlines ahead, they’re going to plumb the depths of those body-baring fashions for all their worth. Honestly, I don’t think we’ve even hit rock bottom yet!
Anyway, my favorite part of writing stuff like this is always the extreme knee-jerk reactions it inspires because absolutely no one who comments on the story actually reads it. Elle’s whole Instagram comment section on this post is just filled with people opining the days of REAL red carpets and TASTEFUL dressing, instead of clicking the link and learning how they and the media’s bottomless need for traffic are actually entirely responsible for the very fleshy direction fashion has taken. I love that my career has just become beating my head against a wall trying to educate people about their own complicity in pop culture and that it’s that very disdain (followed shortly by a click to outrage oneself even further) that drives this whole cycle forward. I also have yet to actually see the story in print in person, but one of my to dos for this weekend is to hunt down a copy. So if you manage to get your hands on an issue, please send me a pic!
And paid subscribers were treated to not one, but TWO additional newsletters this week. The whiplash from which I’m sure they’re still recovering from. Because I was traveling and didn’t have the time to produce my usual Sloppy Seconds diatribe, we kicked off the week with a highly requested round up of cute Fran photos from her party, our trip to Maine, and a bonus shot of her first ever train ride that my friend said made her look like a Wes Anderson character. And then two days later, the eyes of paid Messketteers were once again assaulted by the beauty of a Love Island runner-up’s ruffled triangle gown, some sexy school marm attire, and a stunning set of cloud puff panniers. Plus, I gave my long-awaited (and long-winded) thoughts on Balenciaga’s latest runway show. If any of that is of interest to you, please sign up. I firmly believe 2024 is the year that Mess will legitimately become my full time job complete with a full-time salary, but that can’t happen without all of your support!
Ok, time for the meat and potatahs.
This week, I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about how the media needs to be more responsible with the language it uses. We throw a lot of words around in an attempt to entice the reader and make the boring things we cover seem far more interesting and relevant than they actually are, and I think no word is more abused to this end than “rare.” On an average day scrolling, I am told that roughly 50 different images, sightings, and events are incredibly scarce only to have those very same images, sightings, and events occur again the very next day. Specifically, two moments that tipped me over the edge this week were Page Six’s proclamation that Bradley Cooper’s daughter is “rarely seen” and People’s labeling of the cat Meredith Grey as “private.” First of all, I call bullshit on this rarely seen daughter as I see photos of Irina Shayk picking her up and dropping her off at school literally every single time I open the Daily Mail. I see Lea quite a lot actually, both with and without her face blurred as that website can’t quite decide what its famous children privacy policies are. And secondly, I don’t know if you can say someone is rarely seen anymore once they’re starring in a major motion picture produced by Martin Scorsese and Steven Spielberg……..but ok. As for this cat, I understand People is quoting Taylor Swift’s own characterization of Meredith, but I find the anthropomorphizing of the animal’s relationship to its own fame to be strange. And, again, even if I’m willing to follow you down this cat person train of thought and admit that Meredith is private, I would argue that I’ve still seen more photos of this “shy” feline than I have many of my close, personal friends’ pets. All of which is just to say I think “rare” needs to be officially outlawed from the press’s lexicon until further notice.
And then, in regards to today’s subtitle, I was already thinking about all of the above when I started to see these new Matt Rife headlines coming out about how Brooke Schofield said he cheated on her with “20 women” and my rage at the media’s casual relationship with reality was ignited anew. Now, I’m not interested in wading into the Matt Rife cancellation, mostly because I find him to be too pathetic to actually warrant any inches in this email, but I do want to talk about my girl Brooke and the tabloids treatment of what she said for a moment. As longtime readers know, I became a late in life YouTube stan during the pandemic thanks to my addiction to incredible gossip wherever I can find it. And, as part of that, I will now out myself as a faithful listener of the Cancelled podcast, the show hosted by Brooke and OG YouTube star Tana Mongeau. And while I can absolutely relate to all the writers of these clickbait headlines not wanting to actually listen to an hour-long podcast just to find the good pull quotes they want for their story, this is exactly how fake news gets proliferated because that cheated on her with 20 women “quote” is being pulled from an off-hand joke Brooke made, when what she actually says numerous times throughout the podcast is that they were not exclusive, they were just hooking up, but Matt made it feel like it was headed in a very serious direction and told her she couldn’t talk to any other men while she was seeing him. Now, cut to last week, when she was put in a group chat with 6 other women where she discovered that he was copying and pasting all those same messages to all of them at the exact same time. While the rampant misinformation regarding her story is bad journalism 101, I actually have an even bigger complaint to make regarding the coverage of this, which is why is the 20 women joke the headline when Brooke also confirmed that this man Facetunes his dick pics???????????? I’m sorry but are we running a gossip rag here or are we not because that is the fun and pertinent information the people need to know!!!!!! We as a trash monger community need to get our priorities straight expeditiously.
Unlike Matt, someone who has stayed calm in the face of their online trolls and, even better, flipped their vitriol for profit, is my fav new Victoria’s Secret Angel Michaela Stark, better known as “that body-morphing bitch.” This is a perfect reappropriation of the haterade that’s been directed her way simply for accepting a job and having a body. But what bums me out about this merch launch is the fact that she had to do this through another company when Victoria’s Secret should’ve put its rebrand money where its mouth is and been all over helping her release this capsule collection and defending their choice in spokesmodel. This actually could’ve been a phenomenal tongue-in-cheek ad campaign for the new Victoria’s Secret if they had gotten all their new and classic faces to wear these t-shirts proclaiming they want the old Angels back. Plus, these tees seem like a guaranteed cash cow for the brand as they appeal to both their detractors and the new woke audience they’re attempting to court. It reminds me of when Beyoncé was selling those “BOYCOTT BEYONCÉ” t-shirts during her Lemonade tour, one of which I foolishly purchased because I thought it was funny and so obviously absurd and have since had to stop wearing because of how genuinely mad strangers get at me not realizing that it’s her own merch that I could’ve only purchased by attending one of her concerts. Regardless, sensational marketing.
For some ungodly reason, I continue to self harm by logging on to X dot com for a couple minutes every day, which this week led me to encounter some posts that really made me think about how easy the internet makes it to consume things completely devoid of context and take them as absolute gospel. An especially concerning reality considering every person on that website seems to be increasingly adverse to googling, preferring instead to tout their ignorance on every subject. I’m mostly talking about the viral troll tweet questioning what makes a Rothko painting good art, but I’m also thinking about this particular “what I east in a day” TikTok and how our lack of shared cultural touchstones makes it infinitely harder to protect the masses from even the most low-grade grifters, like Nara Pellman above. Now, when TikTok first started serving me Nara’s content, I immediately clocked it for what it is because I am from the fashion generation where her husband Lucky Blue Smith was a really big deal. As in, biggest male supermodel in the world big deal. And the number one fact about Lucky is that he comes from a very large, very hardcore Mormon family with a penchant for creative child naming. Well, that and the fact that he had his first kid when he was 19 with his then 26-year-old girlfriend. Since then, he has gone on to have two more kids and is currently expecting his third with this 22-year-old model who has now pivoted to trad wife TikTok influencer, posting videos of the incredibly elaborate, completely made from scratch meals she concocts for her ravenous growing family. Elaborate meals she is able to make because she is a full-time stay at home mom who is artfully curating her life in order to make even more money off suckers on the internet. Admirable? To a certain extent, sure. A completely fictional representation of real life raising a family of three under three as a form of religious propaganda? Absolutely. Long story short, I just find it very concerning that people can’t see past the ~aesthetic~ presentational veneer of social media, most notably when its being upheld by very attractive people, and take this type of shit at face value. Especially when there is a weird pro-Mormon agenda woven into every second of it!
Speaking of low-level grifts. In news that came as a surprise to absolutely no one with eyes, Oprah revealed this week that she is on Ozempic and is DONE with the shaming!!! I’ve noticed that celebs often accuse the public of shaming them when in fact all we are actually doing is pointing out a sudden change in appearance of a person that we have had to look at every day for the last 40 years and are being gaslit to believe that nothing has changed at all. This is a regular phenomenon with the Kardashians who insist on telling us we’re bullying them and lying about their latest boob job or lip flip, only for them to admit a decade later that we were correct all along. I think most of the public doesn’t even care one way or another about this type of stuff, we’re just looking for greater transparency surrounding what goes into making these famous people look the way they do, cosmetic procedures and all. Anyway, I really don’t care that Oprah is on Ozempic, I’d actually be more interested to hear who in Hollywood isn’t on it at this point. But I just have to say, I don’t think it’s the savviest business decision to publicly cop to taking weight loss drugs when you own roughly $30 million in Weight Watchers stock…….
In other news of multi-billionaires attempting to bamboozle the public, I just want to point out that this entire narrative planted by Bezos’s team at Page Six is a relatability ruse. This detail that Jeff was “ordering wine by the glass” at Carbone is being used in an attempt to convince me what a normy he is — how very of the people! But any person who has actually ordered wine by the glass at a nice restaurant knows that this is actually some deeply rich guy stuff because if you are going to have anything more than two glasses it makes far more economic sense to just order a whole bottle. This is classic richy rich behavior, don’t let the PR spin doctors fool you!
And while we all know that there’s no such thing as a good billionaire — let alone a good $170 billionaire — as I’ve told you time and time again, by far this couple’s greatest sin is being unforgivably tacky. If the Vogue gifts weren’t testament enough to that fact, I now present to you exhibit B: this hideous “Mrs. B” Etsy special. All that money and they still can’t just hire someone to exhibit better taste on their behalf.
But perhaps this is just something that happens when you reach the upper echelons of one percent-dom. All sense of elegance and refinement gets flushed down the drain. Because yet another billionaire, Selena Gomez, showed off her own piece of diamond jewelry emblazoned with the initial of her beloved this week and it was equally devoid of charm and sophistication. And I would like to add that right along with the outright media ban on the word “rare” needs to go all of us continuing to report on these faux engagement ring stunts. Enough. Its as bad as the Kylie and Timmy symbolic Cartier jewelry conversation. However, I will say, I love an A-list celebrity who’s not afraid to get in the weeds of their own comment section despite being too rich and too famous to have such lengthy back and forths with internet trolls. It feels like such a welcome return to the early days of social media before famous people realized we can see every single thing they do and say on there and I would like to encourage Selena to continue riding for her man in the most unnecessary and petty of fashions.
Because of course, no matter what they’re doing, celebrities can’t win for losing. We don’t want them traipsing around in the muck and the mire of the comment section with the rest of us plebes, but we also don’t want them living in the lap of luxury doing absolutely fuck all. What exactly do we want these people to do?! Because Dakota is not only an incredibly famous actor in her own right in a longterm relationship with one of the biggest musicians on planet earth, but also the daughter of Melanie Griffith and the granddaughter of TIPPI HEDREN. If this isn’t a woman who has earned the right to sleep a minimum ten hours a night and take long baths whenever she goddamn pleases than who the hell is. What is even the point of being rich and famous to begin with if it’s not to lead exactly this life of leisure!!!!! If anything, I want Dakota to sleep more! And I would argue that most celebs could take a serious note from her and do a hell of a lot less.
Because on the opposite end of the spectrum, no one is working harder than these two. Sydney and Glen are doing their damndest to sell this movie no one wants anymore every way they know how. While they’re still trying to drum up those cheating scandal headlines by longingly staring into each others eyes and playfully shoving one another during every interview, they’ve now also pivoted to insisting that they both almost died during the filming of this rom-com. In fact, from the way they’ve talked about it, this might be the deadliest film set in rom-com history and I’m going to need SAG to intervene ASAP. Sydney has also been giving us the classic press tour outfit parade and, I have to say, it feels like her stylist has actually taken the internet’s feedback to heart because after I spent the majority of this year bullying her for her choices, all of these looks were drastic improvements! Anyway, I’m mostly just interested in this spectacle because of just how relentless it is while simultaneously doing so incredibly little to actually move the needle of public interest.
And just when I thought I was completely over celebrity fashion campaign, Marc Jacobs pulled me right back in with the poignant choice to cast a very pregnant Bhad Bhabie (whom most of you probably know better as the “Cash me outside” girl from Dr. Phil). But the genius of this isn’t just in casting someone as random and seemingly un-high fashion as her, but also incorporating a gender reveal announcement into the image with this pink smoke coming out of this motorcycle’s exhaust pipe. I think that’s a very powerful vision for how brands and brand campaigns can heighten their pop culture relevancy moving forward, inserting themselves into these major news moments. Most outlets hate covering brand campaigns because it does almost nothing in traffic because nobody cares, but when packaged with an actual exclusive of some kind, it forces the media’s hand into proliferating these ads for free. Inspired! It reminds me of the way Balenciaga very much sponsored Kim and Kanye’s divorce, making itself a fixture in every development of the dissolution of their marriage.
Apropos of nothing, I just want to bring up Selling Sunset’s Amanza Smith for a moment because is this birthday outfit not the culmination of literally everything we discuss in this email? And now that this very nude aesthetic has trickled all the way down to the reality star-sphere, there’s never been a clearer sign that it’s time for everyone to move on to something fresher. But also I bring up this image because a few newsletters back I titled my email “Amanza’s fingerless gloves?” and everyone ignored my query, but I meant that very sincerely. What is going on here. In literally every scene of the show she is wearing a different pair of fingerless gloves and now I see that that trend extends to real life as well and I cannot figure out why. I have tried googling this 100 different ways and no one seems to care about it as much as I do, but if any of you have answers I need them immediately because Amanza’s high-fashion mitt collection could put Karl Lagerfeld’s to shame.
I am loathe to talk about either of these people, but I saw a lot of folks surprised by this pairing and I just have to say that this really makes all the sense in the world to me. At the risk of igniting the wrath of the Camilizers against me all over again, these two are the exact same brand of corny. I can see these two giggling and kicking their feet over some bad dad jokes into the wee hours of the morning. I just hope Camila likes Birkins because she’s got a closet full of them now. And you already know the generic “sexy” pop songs this couple is about to unleash on the Billboard charts are going to be excruciating.
The only thing worse than the beautiful music Dramila is going to make together is the terrible coordinating outfits they are going to wear together. I’m genuinely scared for the things these two flop masterminds are about to cook up. Although I suppose it will be a sumptuously rich text for Mess to dissect. I can feel her influence in this fringed leather jacket already and, wouldn’t you know it, Drake appears to own those Big and Tall store pants I clowned him for the other week in every conceivable fabric.
In other surprising couple news, Leo DiCaprio apparently loves a 25-year-old lady clad in a deeply awful denim ensemble as tabloids are reporting that he partied until the wee hours of the morning with Lottie Moss while she was dressed in this tube of antiqued dungaree with a triangle flap strategically ripped out from beneath her right nipple. And paid subs will recall that Leo’s real model girlfriend Vittoria Ceretti took a break from sticking her hands down his butt crack to wear the dirtiest pair of tattered jeans I’ve ever laid eyes on to his 49th birthday party. I don’t actually believe anything is going on between Leo and Lottie, it’s more like Lottie just has a direct line to the Daily Mail and has fed them plenty of clickbait nudes in the past and is now cashing in on that good will. But I do think this revelation that Leo has a penchant for a young gal in terrible denim is a fun new addition to his relationship lore.
Now, if Kim was actually back on her self-promotional bullshit, she would be planting stories about her own budding romance with Leo already. It’s not like she hasn’t seeded these types of baseless rumors before in the press, and considering the push his team was doing with all those Gigi Hadid dating stories, I feel like they’d jump at the chance to prove that Leo is actually capable of sustaining interest in a woman close to his own age, even if he actually isn’t.
Anyway, I just wanted to bring up these images from Kim’s new Skims collection to say that I am obsessed with the idea of repurposing one’s choker into a belt. In fact, I’m obsessed with the concept of a waist sash full stop. Sexy cummerbunds can’t be too far behind!!!
Especially as this week I noticed another uptick in the belt-fit trend we’ve been monitoring all year long. Dua Lipa locked the girls in place and spiced up her simple LBD with this Kris Kringle-inspired waist cincher. And Julia, who has been pushing this waistband agenda from day one, also found herself all bound up again, calling the paps on herself to document this heavily grommeted sash she’s repurposed as a bandeau. How has no belt manufacturer reached out to her for a capsule collection collab yet!
As promised, I’ve also been keeping my eye on the profusions of stars in fur coats going on out there. As with all Mess Trends I feature in this newsletter, what started out as a humorous observation has quickly become a simple matter of fact. Faux fur is Hollywood’s new must-have winter staple. No other outerwear even comes close. That said, I still don’t think they look that good. It just feels to me like a bunch of people doing class cosplay. I have more to say about the cut and style of Taylor’s coat specifically, but I will bite my tongue now for fear of being doxxed to hell.
And all that said, Nicki looks fantastic. I don’t want to come across as a real fur apologist, and I don’t think how these coats are made is right, but I am an aesthete first and foremost and you have to admit the difference in appearance between the faux above and the real deal presented to you here is night and day. These photos make me wonder why our faux technology can’t quite capture this level of floof, although I did think the most recent Balenciaga one that Cardi wore on the runway came extremely close. Anyway, matching the boot to the neon mink is some real Lil’ Kim behavior and I love to see it. Also this woman has had me saying “high heels on my tippies” to myself all week. And if you want a real treat please go and watch her threaten to kick Kai Cenat in the face before absolutely schooling him on manners and his own insecure masculinity. What a treat, what a dream, when she said “all these bitches is my sons,” she really meant it.
And finally, while many of you probably thought today’s newsletter title was in reference to the despicable George Santos, when I say “Diva down!” I’m actually speaking specifically about one Cherilyn Sarkisian, pictured above. Before I say what I need to say, let me just start by expressing by undying devotion to Cher. She is a vision, she is perfection, she is a legend and an icon and a hero. But I simply must state on the record: Whomstever Beachwaver’d this wig must pay.
And just like that…another installment of Mess is officially on the books.
Time for me and my better halves to pack it up and scurry on out of here. Bye!!!
I liked how clear cut last week’s closing message was, so let’s try it again:
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Ok, I like it, Picasso! I gotta go!