Conductor of the hype train
I must know what cologne Al Pacino wears.
Greetings from another beautiful May day here in Brooklyn.
The cool thing about being a professional writer — or any type of full-time creative, I imagine — is that if you ever need to accomplish a long list of deeply tedious errands, all you need to light a fire under your ass is an impending deadline for your actual work that pays you. Take this morning for example when I knew I needed to sit down and churn out this sumptuous catalogue of fashion musings for you all and I instead promptly started doing ten thousand loads of laundry, my least favorite chore right next to scrubbing down every surface in the bathroom. At this rate, I’ll probably get that commode sparkling before even hitting send on today’s email.
Other than maliciously complying with my to-do list, I’ve started reading again in earnest this week and it’s ruining my life. Ok, I’m obviously being dramatic, but I did happen to plow through two very existentially tumultuous books back to back and I had forgotten about the sensation of being totally immersed in a story like that and then having to snap out of it and go back to reality and socialize with people like everything is totally great and normal after that self-imposed emotional rollercoaster. I was not exactly in a #1 party person headspace, and yet party I must. I’m currently halfway through one such novel with about 300 more pages of utter woe still ahead of me, but it is so incredibly well written I can’t put it down. The silver lining is I now have one more thing to talk to you about in Mess Recommends in two weeks where I will reveal exactly which books have been fucking me up like this.
Today’s title comes from an email Bill Belichick sent that his 25-year-old girlfriend Jordon Hudson posted on her Instagram account this week as some sort of clapback, and it has only made me more obsessed with the football coach’s CBS Sunday Morning appearance and even more fascinated by their May-December love. In the post containing the email, which also doxes his literary agent for some reason, Bill writes, "This is about what I expected from the media. I have, at times reluctantly, gone along with the title, cover and language in the book. I am not going to be the conductor of a hype train in the book promotion — we have enough hype to work with." Mind you, this is all because a reporter asked, “How did you and your girlfriend meet?” Incredible stuff. If you haven’t seen the weirdest interviews perhaps since V. Stiviano, I highly recommend giving it a peek. In the meantime, I’ve got a hype train to conduct here myself, so choo-choo.
Next week is going to be a BIG ONE for Mess content as it’s the Met Gala. I’m going to attempt to livestream my reaction to the red carpet on both YouTube and Substack simultaneously. Something is almost guaranteed to go awry, so please join me for that. I scheduled that event on my YouTube channel already so you can sign up to get notified when I go live there, and I also scheduled this event on Substack, but how you would know about or find that event ever again is a complete mystery to me, so best of luck.
Following fashion’s biggest night, all of my most premium thoughts on what I saw on the red carpet are going behind the paywall into one massive Mess Gala newsletter for my paid Messketeers. Yesterday, I also sent them a little Met Gala primer email explaining what’s going on with this year’s theme, what people mean when they say “Black dandy,” and the criteria by which we will be evaluating the night’s looks. People seemed to be very into that rundown, so if you’re looking for an explainer you’ll want to check that out, and I hope you’ll consider joining us for a dissection of the best/worst red carpet of the year!
Now, let’s take a look….
But First, Pizza
To begin with, I feel Blake Lively is rage baiting me. Because this is the second time that she has lulled me into a false sense of security with her unremarkable press tour outfits for Another Simple Favor, only to turn around and absolutely pummel my eyeballs with something atrocious. This time around, it was her choice in leather peplum’d top and matching trouser by Forza Collective (left). There’s too much cowhide contained within this ensemble. The oversized fit with the additional leather waist ruffle tacked on just makes everything look bigger and more shapeless than it already is. This is something I would expect Louis Vuitton to inflict upon one of its famous spokeswomen. Where is Matthieu Blazy’s Chanel when you need it most!!!
And then when I was already down, Blake hit me again with this $6K Judith Leiber pizza clutch that is sooo elder millennial Buzzfeed employee I can’t stand it. This goofy bag is 2010s internet culture incarnate. This is what happens when you let the opportunity for a self-promotional Easter egg blind you to the cheug. Although, I would argue Blake has never not been blind to the cheug and, in fact, it is the very word which defines her entire aesthetic.
And providing you with one more dated blast from the past, Blake finished off this whole ensemble (which would have gone completely unremarked upon in this email were it not for that doge era handbag!!!) with a pair of $3K Christian Louboutin Estepic Spiked Pumps that I desperately wanted the platform Rodarte version of as a teenage punk. Thankfully, my tastes have matured since then and my ankles remain just as weak as ever.
There’s People Dying, Kim.
I know, I know, we’re firmly in a post Kim K era of this newsletter. But I just had to share because I thought this little diamond-encrusted stunt was funny/yet another recession indicator like Kylie’s latex mini dress. She’s circling back around to her old PR tricks, and still we are unmoved. I don’t know where Page Six is digging up these social media comments, but $50,000, especially in America, is not more than the cost of a house…….It’s not even more than the cost of an Airstream trailer. This would actually be much more thrilling if she WAS wearing a stack of diamonds worth the full asking price of a McMansion around her ankle.
I feel like once again Kim came so close to understanding the critiques I’ve repeatedly given her in this email, but has fallen short when it comes to the most crucial details. I said I want another Rihanna’s million dollar toe ring situation. That means preposterous amounts of money applied to deeply unusual mega-carat ends. An ankle stack that costs half as much as one of her stupid Cybertrucks is not going to cut it. Call me when she’s wearing fishnet tights made out of diamond tennis bracelets.
At the very least, I’m glad to see she’s overcome the traumatic 2010 earring incident, I guess. Although, Kourtney’s critique of her behavior over that stud might apply even more today than it did back then.
Diapers Ahoy!
I wanted to take a brief moment (pun intended) to say thank you to all the Messketeers out there tagging me in very wild apparel across the world wide web. I appreciate your vigilance and I love to see what you guys perceive as a Mess-coded moment. It greatly pleases me to think that I am raising a small army of very chic curators of slop out there.
But by far what I have been tagged in the most in recent weeks is ensembles such as those worn by Kesha and model Elsa Hosk above. Kesha’s is a glam showgirl take on a Daisy Duke designed for a toddler, while Elsa’s is a subdued corporate Miu Miu panty. And while yes, both of these do technically fall into the big ‘ol baby category, I wanted to take a moment to clarify my stance on this particular trend. Because my initial report on this kink fashion movement used the type of booty short above that we’ve been seeing floating around since 2023 as a jumping off point for what’s currently happening out there. And while these micro shorts have definitely increased in popularity in recent months, I’m actually holding our 2025 crop of adult babies to a much stricter standard…..
True Adult Babies
….and yet still these infantilized grown-ups abound. While I too see the high performance fashion diapers all around us, I am predominately on the hunt for the tighty-whitie variety worn as formal bottoms when it comes to my adult baby contingent.
I know the one Christina Aguilera is wearing on the left is technically a thong, but when worn atop these leggings does it not look a little bit like a sexy diaper?? Two words I never thought I’d see next to each other, but there you are.
And Sabrina Wu chose to finish off their tailcoat with a pair of silky, white bloomers and sock garters, channeling spring’s Victorian underpinnings trend while also perfectly replicating exactly what I loved so much about Jeremy Scott’s bottomless tux look at the Fashion Trust U.S. Awards.
Masculine Maxi Dresses
For once in this newsletter, I am speechless. Love. LOVE! This is the level of tailoring I expect to see on Monday night and I am already preparing myself to be disappointed by. I think because Alexander Skarsgård is such a hunk people forget that he actually has a pretty great sense of humor and has periodically applied that to his red carpet fashion to great success in the past. In fact, he previously wore Sabrina’s exact getup above to the 2016 MTV Movie Awards which, now that I write that, makes we wonder if they’re doing a cheeky homage to their castmate that would only make me love their look even more than I already do. Anyway, there’s something very papal about this Calvin Klein Collection silhouette, very conclave. Perhaps Alex is trying to communicate to us that the Vatican has gone Hollywood and made a surprising new A-list choice for their next His Holiness. Beyond looking fantastic, I’m also excited about this attire because it feels like the menswear gateway drug to business casual dresses. A look I have been begging to come to fruition for years now. Skarsgard’s stylist also teased that they have even more fun fits on the way for this press tour and I am frothing at the mouth to see them. Here’s hoping they’re all skirted.
Ten-Yard Trousers
I know what you’re thinking right now: Emily, why are we discussing Justin Bieber looking super cozy in his Icelandic recording studio while tucked beneath a quilted blanket? But NO, my gentle readers!!!! That is not a sleeping bag draped atop JB’s gams, but rather his largest, most impractical and unwieldy set of pants to date. A true trouser trailblazer! Justin has taken improbable rich-person-only fashion to new heights as he has chosen to wear a garment that renders walking literally impossible. I remember when Gigi Hadid dragging a long, white coat through the filthy streets of Manhattan was a big news day on the internet. That street style gimmick has absolutely nothing on the yards of padded nylon JB’s been traipsing around the alpine tundra atop of. For those not understanding the proportions at play here, these pants continue for about a foot (if not more!) beyond the end of Justin’s actual leg. A radical new development in luxury dressing ideal for when you have absolutely nowhere to be or, at least, a security guard who can scoop you up in their arms and ferry you about Prince style.
Doublewide Denim
Speaking of unusual pant dimensions. This is another reader submitted ensemble for our perusal that I was completely blown away by. I do not know who this influencer is, I do not know who designs such a trouser, but I am obviously deeply taken with their geometry and extreme proportions. Just when I think we’ve completely exhausted the pannier trend, along come these jeans that are thrice as wide as they are deep. You can watch the full clip here to attempt to understand how these pants operate in three dimensions, but fair warning I feel like you will walk away with more questions than answers. From what I can tell, within this bucket of a structured waistband there is an even smaller waistband that buckles around the wearer’s true waist with a flap of fabric connecting the two so that you don’t have to fear anything tumbling in from above. Thank god, because just imagine the crumb catchers these pant legs would turn into after one flaky croissant. The silhouette is reminiscent of those clown pants with a built-in hoolahoop waist, and perhaps this is a full year of build-a-body 18th-century fashions speaking through me right now, but I think they actually look pretty good???!!! I don’t know, my brain is rotted by Mess. I will not be taking any further questions at this time.
Fuzzy Slippers
And finally, just a note to say that I am thrilled to see the return of fur shoes on the red carpet thanks to Rosamund Pike wearing these Simone Rocha Mary-Janes. I’m still waiting patiently for someone — anyone!!! — to bring back the Celine Spring 2013 mink pumps, but these will do very nicely in the interim. A beastly piece of footwear for a beastly moment in history.
Well, I’m just as surprised as Sharon Stone finding out a fun fact about herself in the latest issue of People, but we’ve reached the end of today’s newsletter!
Don’t forget to subscribe so you won’t miss out on a single terrible Met Gala ensemble and, regardless of your patronage, I’ll see you all back here next week for some even more deeply cursed imagery!
En garde, ye scoundrels!:
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Farewell, all you young lovers out there!
This is not an important comment, but we SIMPLY do not say the word “commode” enough. Bravo
I am a debby downer but given our ozempic age, I will say the doublewide denim reminds me of weight loss adds holding up larger pants and being like "woah I'm so tiny"