Club Chalamet takes the Oscars

I must know how much Meghan Markle paid for @meghan.

Hellooo, I’m back. Happy New Year, Messketeers!

It feels like it’s been ages since we last spoke. I hope you all enjoyed that short respite from my constant harangues, and I hope all of my Los Angeles readers are doing ok and somewhere safe right now. I can’t even put into words how devastating all of those videos are. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if there’s anything I can do to help.

Since we were on break when it happened, I also need to say RIP to the Queen of Mess, Jocelyn Wildenstein. Longtime readers know how much she meant to me. Jocelyn was, genuinely, one of the great muses of this email.

In regards to today’s title, I’ve long warned you that the ultimate goal of all KarJenners is to walk the Oscars red carpet proper, and I feel that dream is about to come to fruition in a big way. Yes, Kourtney technically already achieved this feat when Travis was nominated in 2022, but nobody was really paying attention that year and you know none of those girls count that as legit either. Everyone knows it’s not real until Kim, Kylie, or Kenny do it. But seeing Kylie with Timmy at the Golden Globes reignited a pep in my step for this new facet of that family’s fame engineering. Girlfriend of an A-list Oscar winner is a branding pivot for the ages. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t hoping for a pregnancy reveal at the ceremony, but I suppose I can settle for a red carpet official relationship stroll. Now, if the network really wants to spice up their ratings, they need to invite Club Chalamet to be a red carpet corespondent and let that restraining order be delivered live on air.

I’ve also just been obsessed with the whole @meghan situation since we last spoke. It is amazing to me. A very funny career reinvention for America’s Duchess after a string of failed high-profile media ventures. Now, the only piece of pop culture journalism that matters to me is finding out who had this handle before her and exactly how much they were paid to give it up. And all so Meghan can try and be…..the next Martha Stewart?? I genuinely don’t know what she’s after with all these jam trademarks or how exactly she plans to actually make money off of it, but I can’t wait to find out.

Anyway, I’ve been up to quite a few things since we last spoke. For starters, I did a reading at the launch party for Kari Ferrell’s new book You’ll Never Believe Me on Tuesday. It was a lot of fun and by far the most exciting book event I’ve ever been to. There was drag, strippers, prizes, and virtual reality time travel. You can read all about it here and even listen to a snippet from my first foray into boy band erotica!

Refinery29 asked me about trends I foresee transpiring in 2025 and I can’t believe they actually published a few of my answers. If you’d like to read about it, you can do so here. I also went on the non-toxic podcast to discuss a little bit of what’s going on in the Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni lawsuit situation and how it’s already being warped online.

A quick reminder that The Review of Mess is officially on a new podcasting schedule in this new year. We’ll be doing twice a month episodes, one of which will feature a special guest and will only be available to paid subscribers. And that episode should be coming your way as early as next week, so make sure to sign up if you’re interested. And let me know if there’s any guests you’d love to hear us chat with!!

Over the break, paid subscribers were also treated to a very long, very serious essay about the constructed curves trend and the rather bleak historical significance behind this particular garment coming back into vogue. People are calling that essay “EXCELLENT,” “incredible,” “amazing,” and my “best yet,” so get into it already.

Paid readers also got a list of all of the things I bought, read, listened to, clicked on, and watched in the month of December if that’s something that interests you.

And I’m just going to keep talking about my own personal trend forecasting victories over the break anyway, so we might as well dive straight into this week’s slop bucket already.

To begin with, like I said, constructed curves are really happening and pushing well beyond just panniers. I had to share these two rather extreme recent examples because they came out immediately after I hit publish on that newsletter and they’re too perfect and cartoonish not to feature somewhere. I think the issue with Katy’s cone bra, outside of this particular shade of pink that it’s been done in, is that the cones actually aren’t rigid enough. I feel like it needs way more padding or a stiffer material. Then again, doing an exaggerated chest with all these built-in wrinkles really only furthers my “breasts made strange” fashion prediction for 2025, so go for it, I guess. And if you’ve read my essay, you’ll understand the great irony in Katy’s choice to wear this particular choker with this outfit.

As for Cynthia Erivo’s Loewe dress, it looks like an outfit that a circus performer on stilts would wear and then lift up to reveal a bunch of clowns hiding underneath. As you can probably glean from that description, I did not really like this dress when I first saw it, but I’ve actually since had a big change of heart. Because when looking up this outfit on Getty, there were a bunch showing it in motion, and in motion it’s awesome. The hoop skirt tilts upwards and the fabric blows backwards to create this sort of sharp built-in shelf like the bow of a boat. It’s a completely different dress. This garment was never meant for a step-and-repeat, it demands action. Or, at the very least, posing that plays into its strong suits. Which reminds me, this isn’t the first time Cynthia and I have butted heads over her lack of modeling innovation on the red carpet……where is Kim Kardashian’s movement director when you need her.

And just a touch more bragging before I move on to what you really came here for, but I promise I’ve earned it. First, I saw this TikTok (center left) explaining that Pinterest has proclaimed “castlecore” the fashion trend of 2025 and I screenshot it because I was like, wow, that’s so funny. Renaissance Fayre Fall has finally infiltrated the consciousness of the masses. And then, I saw this 2025 style prediction posted to the New York Times Style section’s Instagram (left)……like, huh. Are we all consuming the same media diet? I reported on this trend in OCTOBER and even then I was thinking to myself, man, I hope I’m not too late covering all of this I feel like it’s been going on for so long already. I fear the paper of record’s finger is no longer upon the pulse. The zeitgeist has been all but lost. Thankfully, this paper of record is always happy to jump in and help out, for a reasonable fee, of course.

Oh! And secondly, I need the mole who’s infiltrated the ranks of my loyal Messketeers and is reporting back to the Kardashians to step forward. Preferably with a fat check because snitching is NOT in the spirit of Mess. We are supposed to be closed ranks confidants around these parts and now I see the Kardashians replicating my precise PR concepts mere weeks after I shared them in these pages……very suspicious. I’m watching you.

And don’t even get me started on TikTok’s “full bush in a bikini trend”!! 2025 is already shaping up to be a big year for Mess prophesy. Thank you all for believing in my fashion witchcraft even when nobody else does.

Now, as for Ariana Grande in this custom Louis Vuitton gown at the Palm Springs International Film Festival: ROUNDER. FULLER. PUMP IT TO THE MAX. If you want to be spherical, be spherical. I don’t see the point in looking like a half-inflated stability ball at Planet Fitness. Throwing shapes is not for the faint of heart.

Additionally, I would really like for Ariana to invest in a session with one of those nice color analysis ladies because I feel like it would do her a world of good. The palette for this entire Wicked press tour wardrobe has been majorly washing her out and it doesn’t have to be like this.

Just a small yuletide nudity trendlet I noticed and needed to share with you all. The latest in sexy attire appears to be just one giant bow clasped over the pubic region by your own hand to secure total vag coverage. This feels like a marketing stunt Victoria’s Secret should’ve been behind. I think Paris Hilton’s take on the look is far more successful than Saweetie’s, although I wish she hadn’t worn her latex fingerless sliving gloves with it as it ruins the lines. And much like the sexy Santa situation the other week, I do wish that the Christmas tree had been excluded from this narrative.

And I am back once again begging the rich and famous to dream bigger, do better, or just hire people with superior taste to their own to do it for them. Because what are these monogrammed Super Bowl rings I’m looking at here. I already shared this image on Notes with the caption “a famine of beauty,” because that is exactly what it is. I am being starved of glamour. A billionaire to what end. At least Hearst left that castle behind, you know what I mean. There’s something about this style of jewelry that also instantly gives me flashbacks to that HIDEOUS diamond bangle French Montana bought for Drake in 2019. Please tell me someone else remembers that cuff bracelet and how much Drake loved it at the time. Where are they getting these fonts from?! Kylie’s nails are nice though.

As for the Golden Globes, this is easily the first good thing that award show has done in YEARS. Well, this and hiring Nikki Glaser. Give me all of the fun facts. Give me Vh1 Pop-Up Video but for prestigious ceremonies. Tell me celebrities’ deepest darkest secrets while they’re talking about movies or their hair or whatever. Margaret’s chyron is obviously a snoozefest, but finding out Demi had a special house built just for her thousands of vintage dolls???? I’m all ears. In fact, get A24 on the line, I’ve got one hell of a horror story to pitch you.

Other than that, really the only other thing that interested me about the Globes this year was the way a lot of these famous men were dressing. Matty Matheson’s Bode suit (left) represents another eerily prescient moment because, as you can see on Notes, about three weeks ago I wrote that we are simply not utilizing rickrack to its utmost potential. A concept that occurred to me because, in writing about the rickrack on Fred Armisen’s ugly Christmas sweater, I realized I’ve barely seen the stuff since I was a child in the 90s. And now here we are, rickracked to perfection at the Globes. Model Alton Mason (center) is doing exactly what Timothée Chalamet thought he was doing in that Haider Ackermann halter top two years ago. And I actually don’t really like Jeremy Strong’s pistachio velvet Loro Piana suit with matching bucket hat (right), but I do respect it. It feels like a choice he made while fully in character as Kendall Roy because I have not seen this man in anything other than Newsie-inspired suits in various shades of brown in years. And because of that, I feel it’s a choice in attire that also low-key communicates Jeremy though he was going to win that night. But surely, as the ultimate hardcore thespian, he must see the beauty in this life imitates art moment of losing the best supporting actor Golden Globe to the guy that plays his younger brother who he always fictionally lost to. It’s very Kendall and Roman coded, and I feel like Jeremy’s got to appreciate that!

Speaking of Kieran Culkin, he remains great. I would say more celebs should take a cue from his approach to engaging with the press, but most seriously don’t have the personality to hack it. Because of all those red carpet interviews, I also recently learned that the bracelets he wears are mostly made by his daughter, and the rest are from him explicitly asking people to give him theirs. He then wears them until his arm fills up to his elbow, takes them all off, and starts over again. And much like Demi’s manor for cursed collectables, this is the insider info we, the public, crave!!!! These are the types of details that make me want to come back for more. Although I will never understand how there was no follow up question about whether all of Kieran’s old bracelets end up in the trash or go into storage somewhere. I was also pleased to see that he is taking my long-standing endorsement of temporary tattoos on award show red carpets to the nth degree. Some might recall that I first became enamored with this aesthetic when I recapped the 1998 VMAs red carpet and discovered that Salma Hayek attended that event wearing a smattering of butterfly appliqués. And I maintain, that we could be doing much, much more with faux body art. I mean, how has no one even brought back vajazzling yet?

Before the break, I brought you the ultimate hat on a hat styling hack. Now, I bring you Emma Chamberlain’s tiny sweater on an even bigger sweater. Delightful. The perfect accessory whether you come across a cold and frightened animal friend or your left tit is just forever more chilled than your right causing it to require a sweater of its very own. The applications for this mise-en-abyme pullover are endless. I was actually thinking the other day…..with all the Sonny Angel, Crybaby, and Labubu devotees out there, why has no one made like shirts/sweaters/etc. with little pockets that you could slide the toys into where each pocket is printed with a different outfit so it looks like they’re wearing it. Does that make sense? That is my one and only million dollar idea. You’re welcome.

Now that we’re officially in business together, I’m all out of bright ideas. So I’m going to get on out of here. Cheers to you, my babygirls!!

Egads!

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Arrivederci!