Chanel is trying to silence me!
Chanel is trying to silence me!
Nothing like a good old fashioned "Scandoval" to bring us all together.
Hello!!!
And welcome back to another edition of Mess, another Friday, and another week where I truly do not know what I did with all of my free time and yet it passed by at the speed of light nonetheless!
I have no idea why, but this newsletter has gained about 300 new subscribers in the last 24 hours and all of you seem to be from Italy?? I’m confused by your arrival, but I’m very happy to have you here and I hope you’re prepared to become extremely well-versed in D-list American celebrities and the many horrible things they wear.
The main thing that’s been occupying my waking hours this week is the grand saga that is the rise and fall of my Chanel Flops Instagram account. Essentially, I announced its existence on Twitter on Monday to great fanfare and acclaim and it rapidly began to accumulate followers. Twenty-four hours later, Instagram locked me out of said account claiming that it violates their community guidelines on business integrity. But I think it’s actually because Chanel knew I was about to post this:
From what I’ve gathered since then, I think the main problem was that I used the logo as a profile pic which is easy enough not to do. So I’ve decided to relaunch the account in earnest as I feel this is a public service the world is in desperate need of. But since I’ve been locked out of the original, I had to make a brand new account which I’ve named @chanelflopsagain. It’s just a blank profile at the moment, but I’m going to re-upload everything on there tonight. So follow along if you want to join me in this social media revenge plot.
Aside from being freshly embroiled in digital warfare with a French luxury brand, I’ve also been plumbing the depths of the Getty Images archive in preparation to send out the first ever edition of Ye Olde Mess to paid subscribers this weekend. That newsletter will focus on the 1998 Video Music Awards red carpet and I just have to say — wow. The photos are an absolute delight. What a completely different red carpet world it was back then. As a little teaser of the bounty that newsletter contains, allow me to offer you this sneak peek:
This is Rob Zombie and his wife Sheri Moon Zombie in The Munsters Koach surrounded by three people dressed up as court jester devils holding what appear to be some extremely flimsy dollar store pitchforks. I’m obsessed with the high drama of this arrival at what is otherwise a very casual red carpet.
If the above image intrigues you even in the slightest, then I urge you to go sign up for a paid sub before that special edition comes out so you don’t miss a thing because there’s plenty more incredible throwback pics where that came from.
I’m also going to be working the Oscars this weekend for VF so I’ll be dropping a lot of stuff in the Mess Discord live as it happens. If you want to chat all about it, make sure to jump in the mix over there and bask in the genius of your fellow Messketeers.
Let’s do this.
Just in case you came here today expecting my scalding hot take on this shock development in fake relationship-ery, think again. The above tweet continues to be my only opinion on the matter, although I would like to add that I’m sure this has absolutely nothing at all to do with Tyga’s forthcoming album release. Oh, also, if you want to know how beyond strange this hookup actually is, please go watch this TikTok outlining the tangled web of dating and familial relationships already connecting these two from every conceivable angle. Very weird, incestuous stuff. I really need all of these people involved to start making new friends asap.
I also had to include this headline from the Daily Mail for you all because while it’s one you understandably might’ve missed in your sidebar scroll, man oh man is it perfect. The title writers over there are true word jumble savants, from the all caps UNRECOGNIZABLE to the nonchalant “strip club baby shower” as though they hear it every day. But I really do recommend you all dive into the actual details of this event because it is quite the unusual juxtaposition of visuals. I think my personal favorite is the signage that reads “Baby’s First Strip Club.”
Now this anthurium shirt from the Loewe spring 2023 collection popped up twice this week and while the flower sculpture turned shirt is obviously occurring in both instances because someone is being paid to promote the brand, nonetheless, I’m still intrigued by the concept of just strapping an object to your chest and calling it a top. Mainly because it opens up a whole new avenue of possibilities to offend the masses. Who will be the first brave celeb to slip The Liberty Bell on like a tube top?
Clearly the answer is Jenna Ortega. And while the lacquered Loewe plant platter is an interesting proposition, personally I prefer JW Anderson’s reflective orb “dress.” I love it because it’s the ultimate in not being physically perceived by others while simultaneously being completely unwearable. It’s essentially just a barrel made out of mirrors. And when I put it that way, this all starts to feel like some sort of Emperor’s New Clothes litmus test that I’m failing abysmally.
This week, Kylie also debuted her new Dolce & Gabbana eyewear campaign because her family has signed the longest most boring brand deal in history with those bigots. This imagery caused me to scream into the abyss of the Twitter-verse demanding answers for how much money this tomfoolery is costing everybody. And while I am sworn to absolute secrecy, I did receive answers. And all I will say is that it is both way too much and not enough at all, as everyone suspected. These ladies really need to start acting like the billionaires they are and stop going for every single quick cash grab that comes their way.
On the bright side for Kylie, people did say that (the D&G of it aside) they love this campaign imagery. That sentiment does make me feel a little bit like we’re living in Groundhog Day though because Mert & Marcus have been shooting exactly this type of moody, sexy, sunglasses at night ads for the last twenty plus years. Their schtick feels a little wrote to me at this point, but I guess I’m alone in that sentiment. It is interesting, however, the way those guys’ aesthetic has become very much what I think most people associate with “good” fashion editorial today.
Once again Julia Fox makes it impossible for me (and everyone) to ignore her. This week, she sought to conquer an all-new demographic of fans by sending out a homing beacon to the international furry contingent via these boots stolen off a local mascot. As always, I think the outfit is a touch more costume than fashion, but she did do a really nice job balancing out the extreme proportions. My real problem here is still these goddamn accessories, namely that purse-cum-pet dog. It’s just unnecessary visual clutter when what the outfit needs is an unencumbered silhouette to really highlight the contrast between the big boot and the naked upper half. And while Julia’s particular pair of yeti leg warmers don’t do much for me, what I do think is interesting is the broader trend going on right now of playing with shoe proportions, as we first saw with MSCHF’s viral Big Red Boot. I feel like footwear is finally tip-toeing into its mainstream conceptual era.
And while she may be a bit over the top, at least Julia fully gets that part of her job as a famous person is to put in the work to give us all a show. Which is certainly more than we can say for what Kim’s been up to these days. Imagine my shock and surprise when I stumbled upon this selfie she posted the other day from the dentist chair. Surely, I thought, this must be some sort of ad for the free veneers she is about to receive. But no! No tag nor branding to be found, just a tooth emoji, a magic wand emoji, and 1.4 million likes. We must set the bar higher for our celebrity social media content. If we have to consume it, then I think it’s only fair that they should have to invest a small fortune in it in order to meet our exacting standards.
On the topic of shifting the shoe paradigm and circling back to Loewe again, I’m loving the brand’s pom-pom shoe. It does what Julia’s fur boot is trying to do but without the heaviness and bulk weighing down her leg. Also, it’s hard to look at a big, crinkly pile of metallic streamers and not feel just a little bit happier. Yes, they are a touch mop sock adjacent, but I still think there’s a lot of promise here and the designer footwear space has been in desperate need of something aspirationally absurd for a minute. It reminds me of when Phoebe Philo introduced us to the all-mink pump.
Since we’re firmly in the fashion week segment of our report, I just have to say that this is a VERY tough short length to pull off. It is asking more of the wearer than many have to give. I call this the Gwen Stefani special. There’s also something about it that’s very European guy on vacation to me?
And it’s been far too long since we checked in on my perennial fav Chloe Cherry. Just to be clear from the jump, I do not like this outfit. But I do love the idea of this outfit. The dress is vintage Liz Claiborne and I think actually wouldn’t have been so bad if it was styled correctly with the lapels pulled all the way out to the sides, the skirt made a little bit fuller with some sort of crinoline underneath, and a completely different shoe. But what I do think is powerful is this juxtaposition between the brand Chloe has built for herself in the adult entertainment world with this very wholesome, Americana prep brand from the height of the Reagan years. There’s something very fun about the ideas she’s playing with there, I just wish it was executed at a slightly higher level.
I also had to briefly touch down on this look worn by Karol G as it feels like a fun little evolution of the trends we’ve been tracking for years now. Because while this looks like many of the trompe l’oeil dresses we’ve seen in the past on stars like Bella Thorne and Kylie Jenner that feature a photo print of a marble sculpture’s physique atop their own, in this case it’s actually the pop star’s real body pressed up against semi-sheer fabric. And once again, I don’t necessarily like it, but I am intrigued by it!
Indya Moore is the latest star to join the strapped-in club in this Alexander McQueen number, following Julia and Kim’s belt-bedecked lead from last week. Of course, Indya’s look is more of the brand’s classic moto style while Kim’s is attire for the criminally insane. I’m starting to think, however, if we’re going to do this multi-belt thing, we’ve got to go maximalist with it. I want to see these girls cinched up from head-to-toe.
As always, I have no choice but to reap the trends that I’ve sewn. I’ve been saying we’re entering a statement belt renaissance so of course Louis Vuitton had to prove me right in the most aggressive way possible by putting Chloë Grace Moretz in this giant strap and buckle print finished off with a zipper up the sleeve just for good measure.
On the topic of zippers, LV’s door knocker also reared its ugly head once again. A look previously modeled by Haim and which I referred to at the time as Cabbage Patch Kid clothing built for André the Giant. This time it’s Sarah Paulson who got the brunt of this fastening size joke. Although, bless Holland Taylor for making us all realize the only good use for this giant closure is obviously leading your lover around Paris by the collar.
And after Ellie Goulding dabbled in the Kyle Kuzma trend a few weeks ago to very little success, Florence Pugh has now arrived on the red carpet to demonstrate how sleeve choreography is really done. I’m highly suspicious of this set of images as her sleeves appear to be perfectly windswept in a number of them yet there’s never so much as a shot of her flapping her arms to get some air flow going or of a fashion intern scuttling away post sleeve flapping. And don’t you dare try and tell me that a breeze organically swept through this outfit. Anyway, as I said in the Discord after Ellie’s disastrous creep down the step and repeat, the only way I will accept these extra-extra-long sleeves is if the celeb wearing them gives us a full Shen Yun-caliber performance to go with them, and behold. Flo hath delivered. You all might want to start practicing your ribbon routines for when this trend inevitably hits the mainstream this summer.
At this point, I’m starting to think all of Hollywood is secretly subscribed to this newsletter because sometimes it’s like no sooner do I speak my harsh opinions into the universe than they become a reality. After bemoaning the sea of black underwear we were being subjected to last week due to the rise of pubis-focused dresses, Florence emerged in this white set by Valentino. The different color choice doesn’t necessarily make this naked dress concept all that more interesting, but at least it does remind people that there are other options out there. Still no merkin sightings, however……
It seems Miu Miu also got my memo, sending Emma Corrin down the runway in a fully bedazzled pair of briefs. While I absolutely adore the concept of gilded Jockeys as outerwear, I would just like to issue a word of caution to everyone regarding the fit of this look because when it’s even just ever so slightly baggy, as seen here, we quickly fall into some perilous adult diaper territory.
And this unmentionables revolution is not just limited to undies as I once thought! The new look is not just about having your underwear peep out from beneath a garment, but featuring the full brassiere atop it. I actually first clocked the burblings of this fashion moment back during the NAACP Awards last month, but thought perhaps I was just becoming overly underpinnings obsessed and making a mountain out of a cleavage-loving nation’s mole hill. However, after now seeing both Maggie Rogers and Niecy Nash sport variations on the lingerie-focused look, I think it’s safe to say we really are doing this. Time to invest in some matching sets you wouldn’t mind the general public baring witness to.
And since we’re talking cleavage, I feel I need to briefly address Sydney Sweeney’s hard pivot towards sex symbol acceptance this week. After an entire press cycle spent explaining how she is more than just her body and that she’d like to be taken seriously for her talent, it seems like a weird choice to then do a full bikini collection. But then again, such is the prerogative of a Gen Z hottie on the rise! I must say, however, that this campaign does make me question Sydney’s management, as I have from the very start. Not for the semi-nudity of it all, but for having her do campaigns for D-list Instagram model swim brands while her co-stars are the faces of Prada, Balenciaga, and Valentino. Why is Sydney still getting left out of the fashion fold??
On a completely separate note, these images also made be realized that we’re not wearing nearly enough boots with the fur these days!
Another should-be It-girl is Halle Bailey who I’ve lamented many times before cannot land a look despite having everything working in her favor. I’m not sure her stylist should even get to call themselves a stylist when they put her in the same monochromatic bandeau, long-sleeve shrug, and swath of fabric all week. I don’t understand why this is happening to her…can the people’s Ariel not borrow couture? Can Beyoncé not intervene??
If Halle must forge her own PR path in this world, she should really be taking notes from Rita Ora who for fear of missing a single day of potential press has turned the corner of her front porch into her own personal pap walk. What I do appreciate about Rita is that, no matter the look, she’s going to tack on every accessory she’s ever owned. Whether that means swaddling herself in vaguely ballet-core knitwear complete with pointe shoe or going full Blade Runner quarterback glam. And as you can see from both the outfit in the center and this pair of chaps she wore to a Spotify concert on the right, the pop star’s campaign to make black lace trousers happen this year still shows no signs of abating.
Moving on to some real It-girls for a moment before we wrap things up here. I’d just like to share with you a little pet theory I have which is that both Taylor Russell and Addison Rae have the same stylist, Ryan Hastings, who is single-handedly responsible with shooting them both to the top of my personal best dressed list and I now suspect is also telling them how to pose in order to maximize the effect of their outfits. Because both of these looks are so precise and angular, yet both of them make the clothing look so effortless thanks to their posing. I already had my suspicions when Addison refused to remove her hands from her hips that entire red carpet, but when I saw that Taylor likewise couldn’t stop gently placing a hand atop her shoulder, I felt I’d officially found my answer. I love Ryan for this and I wish more stylists would art direct their clients’ photos beforehand.
And finally, before we get out of here, I just have to give it up to Cardi B per usual because how the hell did she get McDonald’s corporate to sign off on this campaign. These images are to promote her line of McDonalds Cardi & Offset meal merch and, in typical Cardi fashion, are both oddly scandalous and absolutely dripping in designer duds. I mostly bring them to your attention because I’ve never seen the Jacquemus nameplate cardigan put to the test like this. I feel like it’s always being worn by someone with no chest when the tenuousness of this coverage is what actually makes the garment all the more interesting. I also think it’s fun to note that despite Julia Fox making herself synonymous with all things denim, we’re still seeing a proliferation of jean-based footwear out there, in this case I believe from Givenchy. But all of them still look to me like a DIY project I would’ve done out of a mid-aughts American Girl tween book. Also, a huge missed opportunity not to put some sort of belt through those boot loops.
I’ll leave you all now with this cinematic masterpiece from the only content creator who matters. Have a great weekend, my darling Messketeers!
Enough is enough. And I certainly think you’ve had enough for a lifetime, let alone one day. But if for some ungodly reason you’ve come to believe that the limit does not exist in terms of nightmare fodder you can collect for your archives of horrors, then you should probably stop pretending you don’t want to sign up for a paid subscription and do it already. And since you’re such an I <3 Mess super fan, it goes without saying that all of your besties are probably of a similar persuasion. So why not sign them up for a free subscription as well so you can all bond over the atrocities that play out here every week. And to solidify your eternal friendship, why not indulge in some Mess Merch as well so you can twin every day.
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Goodbye, my golden gods!
the sarah paulson/holland taylor photos added years to my life thank u
congrats on engaging Chanel! and I have another possible name suggestion if you are still looking...what about Cha-NO ???