Bring on the Bumpit revolution
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Bring on the Bumpit revolution
Phoebe Philo is back, baby!!!
Hiya!
I’m currently writing this to you from my happy place i.e. Love Island. Despite posting the show’s announcement on every single one of my social media platforms upon its release, I completely forgot that it started airing its winter season last month and it has once again given me a reason to get up in the morning. My ‘ed has bin turned, babes!
Other than finally having something to binge watch back in my life again, I’m officially a little over a month into doing The Artist’s Way and woo, baby. I don’t think I realized what a close approximation to therapy this whole thing would be. Lately, my creative cluster has been chatting a bunch about what we hoped to get out of this experience when we first started and how that hope has or has not evolved over time. I started this self-help experiment expecting to be struck by some grand creative revelation or to suddenly discover such a wealth of productivity and willpower that I could type out my best-selling novel in under a week. But at this point, what I’ve come to realize is that reading this book and doing this practice isn’t just some magic trick that is going to fix my life overnight, but rather a process of slowly chipping away at a writer’s block that’s true scale I couldn’t have possibly fathomed.
And what I’ve found is my best pick ax in this daily struggle to reduce my mental boulder to rubble is a question Julia Cameron posed in this week’s chapter: How are you benefiting from staying stuck? Because that’s the crux of it, right? None of us would be in the situations or dynamics we're currently in unless they in some way, no matter how small or subconscious, are doing something for us. Julia says our fear of change is often so great it outweighs our frustration with the stagnancy of the present moment. Again and again we choose to be safe, to be small, to numb, to evade rather than taking those scary steps forward .
My group has also been talking about this idea the book puts forth of “praying for the bus to come and then running like hell to catch it.” I’ve realized while the praying may be a near-constant drone in the back of my brain, my feet have been firmly stuck in the mud this whole time. But thanks to the tireless chipping away in my Morning Pages, this week, I’ve started to feel my feet freeing ever so slightly from the muck and the mire and suddenly these small solutions towards achieving my bigger goals are starting to unfurl before me. I’m definitely still nowhere close to running, but at the very least I’m now prancercising in the general direction of my dreams.
Ok, now that I’ve emotionally dumped on all of you, I suppose I can let you guys know that we officially passed 6,000 Messketeers!!! That number is still very crazy to me and a little hard to wrap my head around, but thank you as always for your continued readership and all the kind words you’ve sent my way over the years. I am blessed to have the best and most tolerant subscribers in the biz and I cherish getting to share my bad opinions with you here every week.
Now is also a particularly great time to join all 500 of your buds over on the Mess Discord if you haven’t already as all this month I will be working the endless award show churn for VF, so I will be dropping some red carpet stuff in their live as I witness it transpire. Just think of me as your bootleg Giuliana Rancic minus the problematic takes on dreadlocks at the Oscars.
Ok, let’s do this damn thing.
First of all, let’s talk about the big red boots that have swept the internet this week and the public’s repeated inability to remember who MSCHF is and what it is exactly that they do every. single. time. the brand launches a new product. Because yes, these Ronald McDonald specials are just the latest from the people that also brought you the Jesus and Satan Nikes, those undulating Vans knock-offs, and, more recently, “Eat the Rich” popsicles made to look like various billionaires. And yet still, without fail, whenever these guys do one of these product seedings people lose their goddamn minds like they aren’t purely trolling and this isn’t all going exactly according to MSCHF’s free PR plan. I was also thinking a lot about these types of social media stunt tactics last week when that clip went viral of the fashion show where the girl stands up and it turns out her dress is the table cloth and I’m wondering if there will ever come a point when we stop falling for these types of gimmicks? Will we as a society ever be able to fight the urge to quote retweet the rage bait? And will MSCHF ever cut Astro Boy a check for straight-up jacking his footwear? Anyway, at the end of the day, I do think what MSCHF does is pretty funny and certainly the most fun thing currently happening in fashion. I also can’t be mad at this particular product as it just adds fuel to my superhero trend hypothesis and it also brought me this gorgeous TikTok of a man who tried the boots on and then could not remove them from his feet even with the help of multiple friends.
I say all of that, but of course, I am just as guilty of helping spread the clickbait as anyone else. But I swear, I really couldn’t help it this time! My pal Blaine spotted this fascinating Miu Miu ad starring Kendall Jenner playing the world’s tiniest violin and I simply had to do my duty and share it with the general public. I’m desperate to know what transpired in the conversation that led to this campaign choice and how aware Kendall is of the fact that she is enacting a popular metaphor for providing mock sympathy to non-problems...in other words, hand a cop a Pepsi 2.0. Anyway, I find this clip to be an utter delight and I’m positive Miu Miu’s intention was just to generate meme fodder because they could have chosen any other model to do this specific activity. And, well, congratulations. They got me. An absolute thrill from start to finish.
Clearly, Tom Brady already has too much time on his hands after retiring from football last week as he immediately entered full-time divorcée mode. He kicked off his new career by radiating down bad energy through all of our screens with this selfie that is purportedly about promoting his Skims diffusion line, but is very obviously actually about thirst trapping to the max in order to upset his estranged wife, Gisele Bündchen. Tom thinking he can out revenge body a literal supermodel really tells me everything I need to know about the demise of this marriage. Also, I am a little concerned for all the women commenting about how hot he looks in this pic because this man has all of the sexual charisma of a box of Wheaties.
Anyway, I spent most of this weekend chronicling the darkness that is Megan Fox’s broken wrist saga over in the Discord and I continue to really not like what I’m seeing here. Megan is obsessed with taking off her cast for a photo opp and I just don’t get it. Is this thing really broken or not? Because if it is, I feel like this is bad cast etiquette? I’m no doctor, but just because the cast is removable I don’t think that means you should take it off every chance you get. And it’s also not like there aren’t other viable solutions to this problem that would allow your shattered extremity to remain ensconced in it’s protective exoskeleton. For example, cover it with one of those opera gloves you’re wearing anyway! Get it in multiple colors to match all your different outfits! Just don’t go to these events at all and focus on healing from your concussion!!! The fact that at the Grammys (right) she was even moving it around and using her hand to brush her hair off her shoulder is extra alarming to me. When you are willing to fuck up your broken wrist even worse just because you don’t like the way the cast looks in photos, that is a level of vanity that feels like it requires an intervention.
Of course, Beyoncé was the only thing about the Grammys that actually mattered. And I just need to say that while this image is absolutely, unquestionably instantly iconic, this ensemble, tragically, is not. This is custom Balmain and while I love the idea of mimicking the shape of the award, I find the technical construction of this garment as well as this baby pink velvet to be atrocious right down to that built-in peep-toe wedge boot. Plus, with the gold accents it also feels very much like wannabe Schiaparelli which makes me wonder why she didn’t just go with that brand to begin with.
And there seems to be something going on with Bey and a gramophone neckline in general because the day prior she also wore this Gareth Pugh Buzz Lightyear number to the Roc Nation brunch. While I appreciate the very strong, futuristic, couture direction she’s taking this new Renaissance aesthetic, I think this is a look that would’ve served her much better in the controlled environment of an Instagram photo shoot rather than at an IRL bruncheon. And these pirate boot-cuffed, fingerless pleather gloves have simply got to go.
As I’ve told you many, many times before in this newsletter, Cardi is quite simply that fucking girl. For me, she is the definition of a real high fashion doll, and yet still the high fashion world seems to be completely snoozing on her save for that singular Balenciaga campaign. I mean this is a woman who casually wears distressed tabis with Von Dutch sweatpants on the regular, let’s put some respect on her name. Her stylist Kollin Carter has also grown leaps and bounds over the past few years they’ve worked together. While he and I used to beef over the level of accessorizing he was subjecting this woman to, everything feels so elevated and elegant now. Even her glam is all working perfectly in tandem with the look. For those curious on credits, the faux-windswept moment on the Grammys red carpet is Gaurav Gupta Couture, the center metal mesh with the headpiece is a full Paco Rabanne spring 2021 look, and this number on the right worthy of Salma Hayek in Wild Wild West is custom Roberto Cavalli and honestly one of the best things I’ve seen in a minute, mullet included.
Dolce & Gabbana also struck again, although thankfully with a little less ferocity than at the Golden Globes, turning Lizzo into this pile of tangerine peels trussed up in a poorly sewn corset. And while it breaks my heart to see Smokey Robinson also succumb to those bigots’ designs, at least he has the excuse that his wife actually went out and bought this for him versus personally making a deal with the brand. As always, I just hope Lizzo got a check big enough to make making herself look this bad all worth it.
I also think it’s high time we give up on the unitard entirely, at least for a couple of years. It’s over. The moment has passed. Kim K and her many, many lookalike clones have killed it and we must find a new way to cloak the female form in spandex. Kacey Musgraves look on the left is Valentino and very much the lovechild of Lady Gaga’s Venice Film Festival gown from the brand and Kim K’s Balenciaga SNL after party fit. Whereas Olivia Culpo’s Aspen onesie, as someone so perfectly put it in the Discord, looks like it was stolen straight out of Paige DeSorbo’s Winter House wardrobe. But mostly I wanted to highlight Olivia here just to demonstrate that Moonboots are still definitely happening, or at least still paying celebs to wear them. And in that light, are the Big Red Boots that kicked off this newsletter really so far-fetched? When the formula of this aesthetic is boiled down to just the unitard, I also think you can really see how this all dovetails perfectly into celebs going full-blown The Boys on us.
Upon seeing these two garments worn by Shania Twain and Blac Chyna, I’ll admit, my initial thoughts were immediately Doja’s “mooo! bitch I’m a cow” and Black Swan. But, at the same time, I really enjoy both of these looks because this is what the Grammys are supposed to be all about and I think somewhere along the line we forgot that. Sartorially, the Grammys have always been like the MTV VMAs big sister: the wilder, the naked-er, the more conceptual, the better. This is the red carpet to pull out all the stops and to give us a total stunt. I’m thinking specifically of Gaga in the egg or Pope Nicki Minaj.
This event also proved that there’s still no end in sight to this relentless Canadian tuxedo trend, especially if Diesel has anything to say about it. But I also wanted to show you this denim done two ways situation because I think it really highlights why full runway look brand deals are a plague on red carpet dressing. You see, Miguel chose to cash the Diesel check which is how he found himself dressed like Mr. Julia Fox in these sandblasted joots and floor-length duster. I’m actually fascinated by this outfit though because there seems to be a sharp divide in its appeal along gender lines. When I tweeted out my dismay at this Levi’s warehouse Matrix revival, I was met with a torrent of replies from men proclaiming this to actually be totally rad. Intriguing!
Meanwhile, I think Benny Blanco’s Grateful Dead-friendly fit is an authentically cool, fun way to do denim-on-denim and I didn’t hear a peep from that same community of streetwear enthusiasts. According to Benny’s stylist the idea was to create a “luxe ‘drug rug’ which turned into a psychedelic poncho which turned into a matching short” and I just think the overall effect is so stylish down to the little ruffled socks and Mary Janes. It’s so refreshing to see a celebrity that seems to have an actual personal sense of style that is allowed to come across on the red carpet, even if you’re not personally a fan of the look. Although before you decide you hate it, I highly suggest you go look at some of the incredible hand-embroidered details on this particular drug rug.
And I’d take either of the above denims any day over these khaki overalls Prada dressed Gus Kenworthy in. While I’m typically against banning entire genres of clothing and I feel like the Cannes Film Festival saying this, I think we can safely leave this style of dungaree off the red carpet in perpetuity. But before I change the subject, can someone please tell me why Gus Kenworthy hasn’t missed a single red carpet event in the last four years? And yet despite that fact I still can’t retain his name or face???
But if we have to have an overall at the award show, at least make it a fancy one like Harry Styles who went full court jester in this Egonlab x Swarovski jumpsuit. I can tell that he thinks he did something really David Bowie here, but as always, Harry’s attempts at “genderless,” progressive fashion just leave me more baffled than impressed. I never really understand what note he’s trying to hit with these types of looks besides background model in an Alice in Wonderland-themed Tim Walker editorial.
At least Harry has his heartthrob status to fall back on to get him through even the worst style missteps. Jack Harlow on the other hand…..do people still seriously find this man attractive? Did him trying to co-opt Fergie’s “Glamorous” as his own bop really not do anything to dissuade you?? My main problem with Jack, however, is his total inability to find a suit that actually fits his body. And the OJ gloves are certainly not helping anything.
And while I know this is a newsletter dedicated to Mess not beauty, I just had to quickly show you two gentlemen who I think completely knocked it out of the park, doing what everyone above tried to do infinitely better. Steve Lacy in Saint Laurent is who Jack Harlow thinks he is. It’s extremely chic and classic but in a way that still manages to feel au courant. And Lucky Daye in this Orange Culture sequin suit feels like we’re finally getting a real vision of what the future of menswear could look like. This sculptural metal piece makes it look like he’s wearing a permanent AI filter on the red carpet. Extremely cool stuff.
Now, before we officially enter the trend zone, I just want to take a brief moment to remind you all what I said last week regarding Rita Ora: Belts! The final frontier! May our renewed interest in these waist cinchers inspire an equally fresh array of design concepts.
And you heard it here first: Peplums are officially back. Much to the delight and terror of FUPAs everywhere. In the Discord, we semi-recently had a chat about skirts that can double as TV trays if you need to eat a meal on the go and I think Florence Pugh’s fits that bill nicely. And while this look would definitely be better off without it, it also got me thinking about how we don’t see enough fun hats anymore. Perhaps the overwhelming response to Pharrell’s Mountain fedora and that giant Jacquemus sun hat scared everyone out of the category, but much like belts I feel there’s ample room for innovation here. I also think the veil is a very interesting proposition, although I don’t see it really working out for celebs in the long run as its very nature is to conceal the faces they’re so desperate for us to see. But regardless, a great premise to add a little drama to an outfit and I actually think a lot of these stars could benefit from us all seeing a little less of them.
Unfortunately, celebrity fashion isn’t currently interested in a premise, it’s interested in the maximum amount of flesh that can be exposed while still getting them featured on the homepage of every tabloid’s website. It seems that celebs have officially entered their Showgirls era (a perfect film btw) because no matter how you slice it, at the end of the day this is just a feather boa and a pair of panties. And while I’m all for a creative new way to flash some flesh, when it involves this many yards of nude illusion mesh, I simply can’t accept it. I really don’t see why any of this needed to be there. Rita could’ve just as easily sewn a boa onto a pair of underwear and it would’ve created exactly the same effect, if not an even better optical illusion.
Just as I said last week, pasties have fully entered the mainstream. After Doja Cat and Summer Walker set the internet alight with their gilded nipples last year, Gayle and Camila Cabello’s coverings were barely met with a passing glance. You see what I mean about them already feeling passé?
Because again, 2023 is all about fearlessly getting our full titties out, as demonstrated here by Trinity Vigorsky and Fletcher. And while I obviously approve of this areola-centric apparel, it’s not just the Balenciaga onesie we must abandon, but also these Mugler catsuits. No more body stockings, I beg.
As most of you know by now, the trend predictions I make here are largely meant just for laughs, so I regularly shock myself when they actually come to fruition. Because as I was writing this very section, I took a quick break to scroll through Instagram, and what do I spy but Chiara Ferragni opting for a true trompe l’oeil nipple embellished based off of her own anatomy!
The whale tail also continues to reign supreme. Here, Ingrid Andersson brought some bare upper glutes to the Grammys and while it seems her intention was to shock, I feel like unless the ass is absolutely tumbling out of these cutouts it’s simply not enough to stir up a controversy any longer in the face of all this full-frontal exposure.
Kylie has also officially hopped on the exposed thong bandwagon, albeit shockingly late, with this unmarked Jacquemus ad she posted from vacation. Kylie really should’ve been a pioneer of this trend considering her general penchant for scandal and butt-focused fashions, thus demonstrating yet another way this family seems to be rapidly losing their edge. That said, while they were heavily mocked online, I do think there’s a certain appeal to these tufted Grinch feet. It’s a true billionaire flex to wear a shoe that will be utterly destroyed after three steps, plus, it’s a pretty fun way to keep your tootsies warm. Ugg should really consider moving into the dress shoe category taking this footwear as their inspiration.
And Kim continues to do nothing of any relevance to any of us, but I couldn’t touch down on one of her siblings without at least mentioning that this week she also debuted a brand new face. I’m calling this the Megan Fox-ification of Kim, although I think I could equally refer to it as the Bianca Censori-ing. (I couldn’t even begin to unpack the psychology behind that one with a fleet of therapists.) Regular readers already know I am completely blind when it comes to plastic surgeries, but even I know that at the very least there’s some sort of lip lift going on here. Although I’m sure Kim will blame it all on allergies or something.
And jean queen Julia Fox returned to her throne this week in a naked dress composed entirely out of denim waistlines. If you thought her transforming a beach towel into a Margiela-esque mini dress was impressive, the TikTok DIY on how to make this look is about to go crazy. She also mercifully seems to be beginning to figure out her accessory situation. While still ugly, at least this time they’re all made out of the same fabric. Mostly I’m just thankful that Julia and her many denim projects weren’t around back when every middle school girl I knew was turning the butt of their jeans into a cute little clutch.
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However, with great power comes great responsibility which Julia has been wielding very poorly this week, taking a check from a known sexual predator. Because we can enjoy nothing in this life, the internet’s fave modeled for Alexander Wang’s latest runway show. Now, why anyone in the world would even attend that show still remains an utter mystery to me, but alas. She even responded to a fan questioning why in the hell she would do this by saying, “2b frank i love cancel culture but we do need to leave room for rehabilitation & for those who put in the work & heal & learn from their mistakes”…………….what work? What rehabilitation??? As far as I know, that man has done nothing but deny the allegations, offer a vague, dismissive apology, blacklisted anybody who amplified the MANY credible allegations against him, and then proceeded to spend the next year plotting his return by strategically placing his garments on people like Julia, Lisa Rinna, and Kylie Jenner.
Also, I never considered myself to be a big cancel culture stan, but it turns out I just might be because, to my mind, there’s really nothing a sexual predator could ever do to redeem themselves that would make me feel like they were worth celebrating and investing millions of dollars in just to potentially put even more trans women’s safety at risk. As someone who surrounds herself with trans women and people in the queer community, I would think Julia would feel similarly although clearly those white feminist values go right out the window the second that check clears.
As for Nikita Dragun being the one interviewing her here…..girl. How a trans woman supports a man who specifically preys on trans women is completely beyond me, but considering Nikita also should’ve been cancelled a thousand times over by now, perhaps she relates to Wang as a fellow cancelee who put in the work to “heal & learn” from their mistakes.
Ok well, now that I’ve delivered my monthly harangue on the many horrors the fashion industry loves to uphold, it’s time for me to go smell the rose-scented DTC cleaning products.
But fear not because I’ll always be with you, lurking in the Discord like Jamie Lee Curtis in the trunk of your car until our digital paths cross again.
Now make like DJ Pee and go piss, girl!
Well, you’ve once again forded this river of fashionable detritus to make it to the other side of this newsletter wasteland. If you currently find yourself standing firmly upon these foreign shores ready to colonize this strange new land of disastrous bits and bobs, then please choose a squadron of brave pilgrims to join you on this journey by signing them up for a subscription today. And should they decline your offer to be plagued by these visuals every Friday, you can always force this Mess upon them by gifting them a paid subscription or sneakily sending a smattering of Mess Merch. And while we’re going about our weeks, if a truly alarming sight should blight your vision, then please hop in the ~ MESS DISCORD ~ where I and 500 of your fellow Messketeers will lift this aesthetic burden from your shoulders.
But it’s safe to say this itemized compilation of couture catastrophes would simply vanish from this terrestrial plain were it not for that society of sartorial troubadours known as the OG Mess Masters. Twice weekly, this guild for appreciators of all things ghastly assemble to set their good taste alight courtesy of the horrors I’ve gathered before them. And for just $5 a month, you too could become a participant in these ritual sacrifices. So please sign up to be a paid subscriber today to catch up on the Best of Mess end-of-year roundup, and stay tuned for the final installment arriving shortly in your inbox.
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Peace out, girl scouts!
