Bob Dylan is a MGK fan
Harriet the Spy forever.
Hiii, Messketeers!
I missed you! A week is really much too long for us to be apart. The weather has been shockingly nice out here in New York City for the last couple of days, which I obviously find to be deeply suspicious and creepy. It is February, after all, not April. But, that said, I have been appreciating the bonus sunlight, the shockingly blue skies, and the opportunity to actually get some use out of my extensive collection of “light” jackets for once.
Over the weekend, I went shopping with some friends for a new pair of glasses, and thus a new era of me. Thank you to everyone who gave me great recommendations on places to check out! I saw and tried on so many frames I would not have otherwise, and going in person really helped firm up my concept of what it is exactly I’m looking for and what I want to look like moving forward. Something I’ve found to be an increasingly difficult thing for me to pin down and articulate lately. I feel in my soul that it’s time for a major personal style reinvention, I’m just not quite certain what that entails as of yet. But the one thing I am certain of is that I want my next pair of glasses to be LARGE and THICK. A combination of characteristics that I discovered while shopping is decidedly not in vogue at the moment. You can have thick, sure, and you can have large in that 80s Jane Fonda in 9 to 5 type of way, but together? In a singular accessory??? I think not, madame! However, I did finally find and purchase a pair that fits the bill nicely and I think are destined to become The One. They’re Celine, they’re massive, and I truly love them, but I also really hate wearing overt logos and that is the one compromise I had to make in selecting them. So while I am pleased with the new optical direction I’m headed in, I remain open to some even more perfect, unmarked pair of frames to emerge from the mists and transform me into the fashion god I was always destined to become. If anyone has any leads on that front, they would be much appreciated. And perhaps I’ll share a self-portrait of the artist in her massive new spectacles once I finally get them back with my prescription installed.
Outside of scooping up some new frames, I got a very nice surprise in the form of a wholesome shoutout from, friend of the letter, the legendary Who? Weekly podcast on their latest Patreon episode. They endorsed Mess as one of their favs on Substack and, needless to say, the admiration is mutual. If you somehow are a reader of this drivel and do not yet consider yourself a bonafide Wholigan, get on over to your favorite local podcast purveyor and give them a listen because we are very much two peas in a pop culture pod.
Speaking of, there’s also a new episode of The Review of Mess that should have arrived earlier today in your inbox. In that installment, Jess and I discover the many ways in which we’ve accidentally become thought leaders in our industry, we unpack what’s going on beauty-wise on the runway this season, and discuss all of the shopping that hasn’t happened so far this year. Would love for you all to check that out if you’ve got a moment.
Since we last spoke, my precious paid subscribers, who are responsible for keeping Fran in all the kibble she can eat, got both a SAG Awards red carpet live chat followed by an even deeper analysis of that attire by yours truly delivered directly to the dome. Next week, they’ll get all of my premium thoughts on all things Oscars, so believe me when I say you’re going to want to hand over $5 for that.
Of course, there will be no live chat coverage of that award show on Sunday night as I will be at Littlefield doling out my judgements on those gowns before a live studio audience. There’s still some tickets left if you haven’t had a chance to scoop yours up yet. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long, dreary night for bad fashion, and I would absolutely love to see you there in person to talk shit about it.
Next week, I’m also going to try and throw together an Oscars roundup for YouTube so keep an eye out for that, and catch up on my recap of the dregs of January in the meantime.
As for today’s title, I am simply shocked and horrified by this recent development. How did any of this come to pass. Why are the raps of my nemesis being sonically validated in this way. Further proof America has slipped into the worst possible timeline. What is Bobby doing poking around Instagram Reels in his free time and how the hell did he even find this MGK song? As I have said before, it is my personal belief that Colson is an industry plant as I recently met a fan of his and even THEY couldn’t tell me the name of one of his big hit songs. I can’t put my finger on it, but something sinister is afoot here……
Ok. Let’s see.
Kink Sells
Speaking of a foot, as always, I just wanted to begin today’s email with a touch of tooting my own horn because perhaps you’ll recall that when the music video for Addison Rae’s “Diet Pepsi” came out I wrote to you and said, hey, there sure seems to be a lot of overt foot fetish imagery contained within this masterpiece of cinematography, does there not? Almost like it’s an intentional PR strategy to proliferate her music……Cut to Addison’s third single “High Fashion” where we’re getting a straight up hi-def shot of the soles as cover art. She’s your favorite foot fetishist’s favorite foot fetishist. Is this all just one long con to get cast in Quentin Tarantino’s final film? Because I have a feeling it’s not not working. Stay tuned!
A Color Analysis Intervention
And I am including Ariana Grande in this beautiful vintage Yves Saint Laurent Fall 1991 couture gown formerly worn by Catherine Deneuve to the 1993 Oscars to once again boast that I was RIGHT. Because would you look at what happens when Ariana wears darker shades of pink?!!!!! I was just ranting about this to paid readers in my newsletter about the SAG Awards where Ari once again found herself wan and washed out in the most limp shade of pale rose thanks to a custom Loewe dress that could’ve been dyed any color of the rainbow. The very obstacle the pop star has battled against this entire Wicked press tour. And now, finally, her stylist Mimi has put her in black with a light hot pink trim and she has been resurrected, brought back to life anew. I’d even go so far as to say she’s glowing! I am begging Ariana to take a trip to a Color Me Beautiful salon to get her seasons professionally analyzed because that precious knowledge could’ve stopped all this tonal tomfoolery dead in its tracks.
Dean and Dan Get Me
I don’t typically feature much runway stuff in this newsletter as I’m much more interested in the wild apparel that trickles down to the gen pop from these types of spectacles, but Dsquared2’s 30th anniversary celebration felt like it was speaking so directly to me and my interests that it was worth a quick moment of our time.
For starters, nothing could be more up my alley than Dean and Dan Caten, the brand’s founders, closing the show by getting perp walked down the cat walk by dominatrix Sheriff Brigitte Nielsen. No former model is more fabulous and wildly underutilized than Flavor Fav’s one-time paramour.
The twins then followed that up with a performance by Doechii who wore the classic ice skate heels they revived for this season, smartly capitalizing on all of the headlines Julia Fox has been generating on their behalf by wearing a vintage Fall 2011 pair.
And, on the topic of the CEO of the back-to-office movement, as I’ve been saying for a year straight now, DSquared2 smartly invested in dressing the right set of rising stars and it is finally paying off for them in a major way. Because they were loaning clothes to both Fox and Doechii on the red carpet long before other major designers were giving them their due, and getting your clothes on the backs of the right tastemakers at the right time will only elevate the profile of your brand right along with them. A renaissance DSquared2 is clearly currently benefiting from. With this show, they are also savvily filling a gap left by Philipp Plein of the runway show turned immersive musical theater/social media spectacular.
The clothing itself also spoke to many of my interests. Just this week, I wrote to paid subs about a minor trendlet I spotted on the SAG red carpet of women doing reimagined takes on the traditional black tie tux, and now here we have that bow tie and placket pasted across a derriere.
They also debuted a dress that is little more than a floor-length shawl that would have the wearer pulling a full Bianca Censori should a rogue gust of wind blow their way. Another very viable path forward towards full nudity returning to the red carpet. But actually, what interested me most about this particular garment is the fact that it necessitated a stick-on strapless thong which was intermittently visible as the model walked the runway. And much like the merkin, I believe this style of undergarment to be a wildly underutilized and wildly effective way to drum up a little labia-focused furor.
Burberry Is Back
Well, what do you know. I’m suddenly interested in Burberry again. After four long years of pretending that brand didn’t exist under Riccardo Tisci’s tenure, Lauryn Hill has single-handedly resuscitated the fashion house for me. Well Lauryn and current creative director Daniel Lee, I suppose. Also, getting the singer to show up to this runway show at all, let alone on time, is a pretty major flex in and of itself. I love the power clashing tartans and would love to see a lot more of that in the label’s future. That said, however, I do hate this faux fur carpet bag with a passion. Something about the logo and the colorway make it look like it was purchased from the Chateau Marmont gift shop. And, honestly, it would be a lot cooler if it was!!
Butt Billboards
Bella Hadid released her new collaboration collection with Frankies Bikinis this week and to celebrate she wore these hot pants that say “Lucky” across the butt. And I just wanted to include them to say that, given our culture’s endless early aughts fashion obsession, it’s crazy to me how long it’s taken to bring back the whole butt as billboard thing. This was a core staple of 00s dressing. You were nothing without a pair of Soffes that proclaimed something sassy (and typically wildly age inappropriate) on the rear. How did people jump straight to showing their whole ass crack on the red carpet before even making a pitstop at inflammatory buttocks-centric slogans. And how has Julia Fox not yet combined those two ideas into one indecent apparel nightmare? Since we’ve now confirmed she’s a Mess reader, it’s surely only a matter of time before we see her pop up in a gown with a posterior cutout and the words “UNCUT GEMS” scrawled across each cheek.
Canned Fashion
Now, it is my firmly-held belief that this comparison is made FAR too regularly in the world of fashion and is more often than not a tenuous correlation at best, but in this case it happens to be unbelievably accurate. And so I am compelled to point out that Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s dress makes her look like a delicious, ice cold can of LaCroix Sparkling Berry. Tell me I’m wrong. I believe you will find that a truer statement has never been uttered. This street style moment also made me realize that I would love to see celebrities embody iconic inanimate objects via their apparel far more often. Not in the troubling Katy Perry household goods cosplay type of way, but more so just teeing up the meme for the rest of us, as Gugu has inadvertently done here.
It’s Knickerbocker Season
At the end of last year, I highlighted Anya Taylor-Joy’s very literal pair of Victorian bloomers, and now we’re getting another take on historical breeches courtesy of actor Jack Haven. I’m not opposed to the knickerbocker in theory, although I do think the cargo pocket is pushing things a bit and there is surely something more fun we could be doing with that expanse of lower gam than the same old stocking and pilgrim loafer combo. But that said, I can’t help but be intrigued by the styling possibilities of a garment that delicately cinches at the knee while adding great volume to the thigh. And as democracy continues to crumble all around us, it does feel very apropos to throw things back, sartorially speaking, to our Founding Fathers’ fits. Jack’s look also reminded me of something I said back when Anya first did this, which is let’s make ankles sexy again! Having now hit peak red carpet over exposure, I think it’s high time we loop all the way back around again and find ways to make a flash of tibia tantalizing anew.
A Julio of All Trades
I am obsessed with Julio Torres and would be even if he wasn’t quite such a creative dresser. But he is, which just makes it all that much more fun. At the Independent Spirit Awards this week, he nailed a litany of Mess trends I’ve been tracking. For starters, he wore a large origami boat chapeau on the red carpet before changing into these spring-loaded technicolor wig pom-poms, both of which are easily the most fun hats we’ve seen in these pages since I first issued my “more fun hats” decree.
Also, the second I saw this suit, I was like, wow, this looks exactly like that Moschino safari suit from And Just Like That… that I always reference as the prototype for the sort of utility belt fashions I predicted we’d be seeing more of this year, involving stars strapping and snapping all sort of products onto their person. And wouldn’t you know it, this suit is in fact Moschino!
I also think Julio’s take on the perma-wind swept tie is a way more effective than any of the same sort of wired, floating effect elements Prada’s been incorporating into their red carpet stuff recently.
And finally, we were blessed with a brand new addition to the growing pantheon of clown couture out there with this Kid Super suit Juilo wore to present at the ceremony (right) featuring many floating hands in the midst of juggling. At this point, someone doing the step-and-repeat in a red nose feels imminent.
Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century
And finally, I have not been able to stop thinking about Millie Bobby Brown’s asymmetrical bun cage since I first laid eyes on it. She has got to be one of the most confident young ladies in the world because no famous person is making bold, innovative hairdo choices such as this in the year 2025. I’m also obsessed with the fact that it’s not just a bun, but a braid shoved up in these follicular manacles. Something about it is giving me BIG Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century energy. A seminal Disney channel original film not enough people are currently referencing, if you ask me.
This hairdo is also a very savvy and effective strategy for keeping me from commenting upon Millie’s bad joutfit because I am so transfixed by this hair sculpture emerging out of the side of her skull that I have no energy left to ruthlessly critique the denim patchwork power suit. Expertly played.
Well, we’ve reached the end of this email. I know all of you are currently screaming “No!” like Scott Disick finding out people saw the Mounjaro he was hiding in his fridge, but the time has come for me to go.
I urge you to pay me a visit at Littlefield on Sunday night or circle back here next week for exclusive Oscars coverage! Otherwise, I’ll see you back here on Friday for another round of the usual. Until then, goodnight and good luck!!!!
Ipso facto:
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Ok, I’ve got some fake phone calls to make. Au revoir, mes puces!!!!
when I was a teenager I wanted NO ONE to EVER look at my body, and yet if I bought sweatpants, they were gonna have PINK on the butt. amazed it's taken this long to come back around.
Speaking of making ankles sexy... that latest picture of Luigi M in ankle-cuffs has the girlies swooning!! It was the first time I "got" it... like oh yeah I'm straight up Victorian the way those ankles have me going. I bet we see something similar on a catwalk or photoshoot soon