Bennifer Forever
And a little prayer for all the celebs who turned down roles in JLo's movie musical spectacular.
Hi hi hi!
Hope your week is going swimmingly. Mine has been filled with so many birthdays! It was my best friend from high school’s birthday on Tuesday and a group of us went out to a fancy dinner at Gage & Tollner where I finally discovered a version of a martini that I don’t find abhorrent and ate the first baked Alaska of my life. Then, on Wednesday, my best friend from college gave birth to my future pint-size bestie and while she may only be three days old, she's already an icon, she's a legend and she is the moment. Today is my middle sister’s birthday. And on Saturday I will be celebrating the OG babies in my life, my friends’ one-year-old twins. You gotta love some back to back to back celebrations. A gorgeous excuse to see all your friends over and over while eating way too much cake.
And I know I’ve mentioned it before in this email, but participating in all of these various festivities has also made me realize once again that I really do hate all of my clothes. This is not a drill. Everything feels wrong, nothing goes together, and maybe five things are items I would even describe as my style anymore. Times are bleak fashion-wise here at Mess HQ. Where are you guys even shopping right now?? Perhaps the dream of doing a full wardrobe overhaul and buying everything off of my Real Real wishlist will be what finally lights the fire under my ass to be a really prolific freelance writer. I’ve got secondhand Prada dog raincoats to buy for Fran after all!!!
And speaking of The Real Real, I just have to put it out there that I’ve been obsessed lately with the Louis Vuitton Cerises print. So if you see it anywhere in your digital luxury resale travels at a particularly steep discount, do send it my way, s'il vous plaît. I’m partial to the bucket bag but I remain extremely open-minded. I just want one of those little cartoon cherries in my life and refuse to pay full price for them.
Today’s newsletter is once again a little shorter than the encyclopedic tome many of you have become accustomed to receiving here every Friday. And that’s because I poured the vast majority of my irrational thoughts and feelings into Sloppy Seconds this week. In that newsletter, we talked about the probability that Travis Kelce knows who Yayoi Kasuma is, unpacked the filthy stories Bradley Cooper has been telling in an attempt to win an Oscar, suggested award shows take a styling cue from Squid Games, and outed not one, but two D-list furries. If that sounds like the type of chit-chat you’d like to be a part of, make sure to sign up to get in on the action, especially since the Oscars are just a week away and you know you’re going to need the full download on the worst dressed stars from that red carpet.
And away we go!
First of all, I just want to start out by saying, this is what I get for weeks of braggadocios behavior in this email. I have received my comeuppance for my trend forecasting arrogance. As always, I’ve gotten exactly what I wanted and I absolutely hate the format in which it’s been delivered to me. My ultimate Mess dream has been realized in perhaps the worst way possible. I hate that this full frontal nudity moment we’ve been patiently waiting for finally came to fruition via a woman that gives off some seriously scary Stockholm syndrome vibes. I said 2024 is officially the year of Mess, but at what cost?
Now, with the mea culpa out of the way, I do have just one little humble brag of an interjection to quickly make because according to this runway report I saw posted on Threads, the very styling trick that I said made Bella Hadid’s puffer look so chic a full two years ago is now trending. And only a matter of weeks after I brought it up yet again in this email! My mind! After years of everyone fighting me on every fashion opinion I’ve ever had, both celebrities and designers seem to finally be bending to my demented will. Which is why I must once again implore the Hollywood illuminati out there reading: Pay me! Hire me! With my expert guidance we could be making everyone look so much better/crazier so much faster!
Anyway, we started talking about this in Tuesday’s email for paid subs, but another trend that I was mulling over at the end of last year also seems to be coming to fruition— 3D fashion. I would say these are all on the much more sedate, safe end of the appliqué spectrum, but I think they still give a good sense of the type of stuff I’m talking about. Basically, my theory was that after spending all of last year making total nudity increasingly boring and commonplace, famous people were going to have to start looking to other classic tactics for generating press with their fashion and start pushing those boundaries instead to see what public shock and headlines might be generated. And one of those surefire ways is outfits that veer more towards post-modern sculpture, exploding off of the body. Again, these are definitely the tamer iteration on that theme…
…But this is what I’m really talking about! Julianne Moore and Andrea Riseborough both topped off their dresses with big exaggerated squiggles this week. Both necklines look like they were drawn by a Roy Lichtenstein paintbrush and I absolutely love it. Built off the body fashion is also something we used to talk about quite a bit in this email during the early days of Taylor Russel for Loewe and I’m still really drawn to that idea of paper doll dressing. But most importantly, along with that Schiaparelli Natasha Lyonne wore to Golden Globes, this is just hands down some of the best looking, modern-feeling clothing I’ve seen in a minute.
Speaking of squiggles, the long-forgot pussy ruffle first popularized by Emily in Paris has made its grand return to the red carpet thanks to Alessandra Ambrosio. And this time around it’s even bigger than ever and just as labial! Personally, I feel like why stop here? I won’t rest until this whole gown is one giant vulva.
And I know I asked for more creative versions of nipple covers, but I’m not sure these Yoko Ono-esque patches are it. I do like the green rhinestone tights quite a bit, as well as Emma’s penchant for neon tights in general, but I wish that the hemline was higher so I could see a lot more of them. It also really bothers me that the rhinestones don’t go all the way down the foot. I understand that’s so the tight can accommodate various genres of footwear, but I’d honestly rather Miu Miu force you to buy a pair of shoes that can only be worn with these tights because they’ve been specifically bedazzled to work with them if it means I can get sparkles all the way down to the tootsies. And finally, I have to confess something…I don’t really know what I mean by this, but I just need to say it out loud to see if anyone else resonates. Lately, whenever I look at Emma Corrin’s ensembles one word keeps coming to mind and that word is MIME. It’s giving Marcel Marceau and I will not be explaining myself because I literally can’t. But if you find yourself with some time, please do take a little gander at some of their recent looks and let me know if you too are feeling the pantomime vibe.
Anyway, in case you were wondering, Julia Fox is continuing to push the adult baby look upon the masses. This time adding a sort of silky wrap about the jawline that really screams old-timey toothache. I’m also very intrigued by the muff built in to this tube top. While I’ve been floating the suggestion of a return to these 18th century hand warmers for a minute now, doing so in a spandex material seems like a sensory hell I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Well, maybe MGK…
I feel like this week was also a real wake-up call for just how deep in the thick of the thinspo revival era we already are. After a short-lived run with the body positivity movement, now that ozempic is here, popular culture has decided it’s time to go mask off, drop the pretense of health entirely, and regress all the way back to our old aughts size zero or bust ways. Corsets are always such a tricky way to flaunt it too because they are these technically impressive garments and at the foundation of so much couture work (especially these two from my beloved Maison Margiela and Mugler). But at the end of the day, especially when shown off on Instagram in the manner above, it’s important to remember that they are really just tools to mechanically compress and displace your organs to give the illusion that you have an unnaturally tiny waist. Don’t let them fool you into thinking this is glamorous! The corset is a tool of oppression, plain and simple. It’s a con as old as time to convince women that there’s something beautiful in inflicting pain and punishment upon themselves and touts extreme malnourishment as the ultimate physique. This obsession with disappearing our bodies has taken up far too much of our brain power for far too long and we can’t afford to take this massive step backwards yet again. What’s actually chic and cool isn’t whittling yourself down into nothing via a contraption that purposefully restricts your lung capacity, it’s taking big, full breaths in a body that takes up as much space as it goddamn wants to and don’t you forget it.
And this just crossed my Instagram feed this week and I found it very amusing so I wanted to share. This is a post from Kim K’s stylist and just the idea that anything going on here is “new energy” is 100% the problem with Kim’s styling right now. How many crop top and leather pant combos must we be subjected to. What here is “new” aside from her hideous Cybertruck. Also, to make everything going on here extra boring this outfit was worn while Kim was being photographed doing another high-profile Starbucks run / unmarked ad. A spokesperson investment I still don’t understand the purpose of as, once again, she is an outspokenly coffee-free individual and there is no way this little photo shoot is moving frappuccinos. But back to Kim’s sad outfit formulas, I thought she’s supposed to be Balenciaga’s “new” brand ambassador, no? So where’s all that stuff from the Hollywood collection? Let’s get her in some of those clown shoes and knee-high Ugg boots STAT!!
This is not even close to Mess, I just had to take a quick newsletter intermission to say that this Haider Ackermann for Jean Paul Gaultier couture jacket is the most Tilda Swinton shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Finally, formalwear befitting our fav red carpet alien. Only she would dare to wear a venus flytrap made of Klein blue ostrich feathers and that’s exactly why we must treasure her always.
Back to our usually scheduled programming. While I will forever remain flabbergasted that this man has somehow conned his way into becoming the face of fashion expertise, I actually don’t hate this bow tie propeller proposition (although I do hate everything else). But if you’re going to go for it, why not go all the way and make the bow tie spin next time.
Before I pack up my traumatizing wares and go home, it’s time for a check in on our most forgettable faves, the little D-list couple that could, Nicola and Brooklyn Peltz-Beckham. Where to begin. I guess we could start with the fact that Nicola is now tagging her mother-in-law in lingerie-clad selfies on Instagram. An interesting choice. I’m assuming it’s because she’s rumored to be modeling in the new VB collection and this is her way of fueling those rumors. But when you recall that she also recently tagged David Beckham in photos of her and Brooklyn playing grab ass in order to “celebrate the release of his Netflix documentary,” it all becomes a little more grim. I’m starting to get the feeling that Nicola might be interested romantically in the whole Beckham family, not just Brooklyn. As for her Posh Spice twinning moment on the right, it’s not much to write home about. A classic ploy to get an easy headline, and considering this couple has stepped out every single day this week to get photographed, they’re definitely fishing for them. But as I once wrote in this newsletter in regards to Kim Kardashian’s obsession with rewearing everything Naomi Campbell ever walked down a runway in, there are some comparisons you just don’t want to invite! Why underscore how boring you are next to a real deal star if you don’t have to!
Ok, well that’s all I’ve got. If you want to hear even more of my frightening thoughts on absolutely nothing, sign up for a subscription. Otherwise, I’ve got to get my beauty rest now, so I’ll see you all back here again real soon.
Bye, my darlings!!!
Although we’ve come to the end of the road, still I can’t let go!:
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Love you, mean it!
100% with you on emma corrin giving mime. i wonder if at least part of it is just their proportions? idk either way i love them
If the Beckham-Peltz’s could locate Kate Middleton, then they will be famous. Until then? It’s Flop City