Hi there!
What a fucking shit show, huh. As I foretold last week, things have gotten radically, psychotically worse right from the jump. America is truly a nightmarish place. Never in my life did I think I’d see someone just openly, gleefully sieg heil-ing on a national stage, let alone the richest man on earth. It’s honestly so terrifying it’s hard to even process as our new reality. How are these braindead dweebs actually allowed to be in charge of anything, let alone the entire country. And it’s not just braindead dweebs in the White House, it turns out they’re all around us! Every spineless celebrity out there has suddenly decided to reveal themselves as a red-pilled grifter and, honestly, I appreciate them outing themselves as the money-hungry goobers they truly are so we no longer have to speculate. I thought Kimberly’s wordless posting of Melania after all her MAGA thirst trapping was particularly pathetic and on brand. Also, I’ve never seen anything like the way the entire fashion industry knelt down and got to boot licking this week. Not only was the Arnault family (the owners of LVMH) in attendance at the inauguration sitting front and center, but every executive at Oscar de la Renta is currently doing a speed run to become the next Hugo Boss. Fingers crossed they get that big MAGA uniform contract they’re so desperate for. Even Suzy Menkes double posted on Instagram about how “timeless and elegant” Melania looked……lol ok.
To make all of these matters even worse, during the ~17 hours TikTok was banned, I impulsively deleted the app from my phone and now can’t redownload it. So I’ve accidentally created an American TikTok ban of one. Because of this I’ve been supplementing my short-form content addiction with some Instagram Reels here and there, but it really does not satisfy the craving. The vibe is extremely Pinterest uncanny valley over there. And another disturbing thing I discovered about that platform is it advertises everyone’s likes??? Do people know this?! Because many people I follow are out here hearting reels like no one is watching. And believe me, I am watching. In fact, I’m now actively checking every single video I’m served. And if you think for one second I’m not going to tell everyone I know that Julia Fox liked a video of Trump signing an executive order to get remote workers back in the office full time, you are sorely mistaken. Like, babe, why do you care!!!!!! What does an office environment have to do with you?! When was the last time you were even inside one! So yeah, watch yourself out there everyone. Enjoy those reels with an abundance of caution knowing that people like me are out here judging you for each and every one of them.
In non-hellscape news, I went to an Intro to Composting class over the weekend and it was extremely informative! This is one of the first workshops you have to take as part of the Master Composter Certificate Program run by the Lower East Side Ecology Center. It’s totally free, and to become a master composter all you have to do is attend a few workshops, which are available virtually and in-person, go on a couple field trips, and do some community service hours. I’m still not sure if I’m going to do it all the way to completion or just pick up some new skills/get my hands dirty along the way, but the class offers a great breakdown of how we can all play a role in making New York a more ecologically friendly place. At the very least, it made me feel way more confident that I could totally start a compost pile of my own and troubleshoot any issues that may arise with it. Plus, if you take an in-person class hosted at Creative Time, it’s directly across the street from a delicious Italian sandwich place. I recommend!
Before we begin today’s newsletter in earnest, I am duty bound to inform you that this week paid subscribers, got to hear my many thoughts on the deeply turn of the millennium event that was the 2000 Emmy Awards red carpet. They, of course, also got to enjoy an additional episode of the pod, as they will every month from here on out. So get into that if you’ve got $5 to spare.
Oh, also! I’m participating in this Substack event tonight! It’s sold out, but there is a waitlist and if you’re in the neighborhood just swing by and see if you can wriggle in. I think it will be fun, and I say that as someone who absolutely hates scotch:
Ok, whatever. Here’s some more hot garbage to pile atop the trash heap of our lives.
In a rare bright spot in these darkest of days, it’s that most wonderful time of the year again. That’s right, we have all been blessed with another red carpet dedicated to adult entertainers — the XMA Awards. And much like when I previously joyously recapped the AVN Awards in this email, I am furious that no one sent me to this as their red carpet corespondent because the fashions were as thrilling as always and I have so many questions I need to ask about them. First of all, we got full slutty Hester Prynne drag courtesy of Siri Dahl (left). I think this is absolutely perfect attire for an event “celebrating the creativity and ingenuity of the adult creator community,” especially as it turns out she was one of the co-hosts for the evening, along with the Hellraiser on the right who goes by Little Puck. If I’m going to nitpick (I am), I do wish the shoe was less of a clomper and more of a sleek pump, but overall a rousing success. As for Little Puck, I love her commitment to this random Halloween Pinhead costume complete with bald cap and blue body paint at this otherwise very regular, very nude event. I just wish the garment felt a little more cohesive with the rest of the look. I think something like this dress could still work if it was just made way strappier, like the 2022 version of this monster. I’m also a big fan of her choice to put a smear of blue paint on her kneecaps and nowhere else. I need to know the reasoning behind that. What is the story being told here. And let’s not forget Michael Vegas and Siouxsie Q in the center serving Louis XVI realness. I warned readers that panniers are already a sartorial hallmark of a repressive conservative agenda attempting to shackle women to an imagined, idyllic Victorian past, and now these two in their breeches and ruffs are here to take us back in time another 100 years to remind us we’re actually long overdue to kick off the French Revolution 2.0.
And again, this is why I say there is no finer red carpet than one populated by porn stars!!!! This has genuinely given me more fashion food for thought than the last three Met Galas combined. Because outside of the full-blown fancy dress, we also got Millie Morgan (left) displaying e-waste ingenuity in the form of this bandeau top fashioned from an assortment of circa 2008, rainbow hued iPod Nanos. Personally, I would’ve gone OG iPod Shuffle, but this works too. There was also Coco Lovelock (center) in Euphoria glitter tears and a tiny transparent top that looks like it was made from a failed Shrinky Dinks experiment. And I love that she not only finished off this very revealing look with a very practical piece of footwear, but that she’s also aggressively modeling those sneakers right down to her tippy toes. And while Cherie Deville’s armored nipples (right) are nothing we haven’t seen before on celebrity red carpets, there is something about them thrusting through the fringed fabric on the bust of this gown that makes them feel like a more transgressive styling choice. It feels like the next logical evolution of Doja Cat’s 2024 Grammys outfit and I look forward to seeing which famous person will be the first to imitate it. In summary, XMA Awards now, XMA Awards forever.
In less upbeat reportage, we have got to stop with this sorry, played-out excuse. What do you mean someone hacked into your Instagram and all they did once inside is unfollow your wife……….that is not what hackers do. That is not their MO. This is giving me BIG TIME Tina Knowles flashbacks. You might recall a couple of months ago she liked a post on Instagram about the Jay Z rape allegations and then she was like no, I did not! I was hacked!!! Adding, “so if you see something uncharacteristic of me. Just know that it is not me!" Oh, ok then! Again, no one is taking the time to bust their way into a high profile person’s social media just to stir the pot by liking a singular rogue post. This is amateur hour, folks. At the very least, just say your finger slipped and it was an accident, that I could believe. But in Justin’s case, I have a sneaking suspicion from the way he has weaponized his Instagram and sub-posted about his exes in the past that this was no accident. He knows the PR ripple effect of his actions on that platform and wields his Instagram account with the wrath of a scorned popular girl in middle school.
Speaking of popular girls, Timothée Chalamet has officially entered his indie sleaze era and I feel pretty lukewarm about it. These definitely aren’t the subversively stylish red carpet coups he clearly believes them to be. The many scarves are meant to be an homage to Dylan, which, ok, fine. They’re honestly the only thing about these outfits that is really working, so I say go for it. The first look on the left just makes me feel like he needs to study some old photos of Fabrizio Moretti a little more closely. Fab would’ve definitely sized down. And the outfit on the right is just bad. Again, scarf, fantastic, matching prayer bead necklace, less so. And I feel like the choice in head-to-toe True Religion is yet another nod to his 2025 take on aughts hipster cool, but I would’ve preferred real denim to this all-over pre-faded velvet suit. Again, I feel he needs to study the foundational texts of this subculture before iterating upon it. Maybe book a quick consultation with Addison Rae’s team, see if you can borrow that Us Weekly back catalog she’s pulling all her ideas from.
These, on the other hand, I find rather charming. I like the white scarf tied up tight around his neck like he’s a convalescent Victorian boy and the color of this sweater is also great. I think Tim should lean harder into the aesthetic clichés of his French lineage because everything about this is really working for him. Even if the pins all over his suede messenger bag do make me feel a bit like my youth culture is his costume. As for the moment on the right, Timmy’s teeny-tiny Chanel handbag had the internet cracking jokes that he’d stolen it from Stormi’s personal collection which just lets me know that no one is familiar with Stormi’s purse game the way I am because she’s been a mini Kelly girl since she could walk. Personally, I think he’s just doing this to clout farm because he saw how well satchels worked to raise Jacob Elordi’s street style profile. Also, he is the face of Bleu de Chanel, lest you forget the way he dragged Martin Scorsese into this mess, so to me this just seems like he’s checking off his brand ambassador contractual duties. Especially since he stepped out with another Chanel purse the very next day. And considering Matthieu Blazy is also gearing up to take over the fashion house with his debut collection in October, this could also be Timmy’s attempt at cementing himself as lightyears ahead of the fashion curve by rocking the logo before it goes through its inevitable cool kid makeover and shoots to the top of the most coveted brands list again.
On the subject of celeb brand ambassadors, whoever is in charge of orchestrating Sydney Sweeney’s spon con paparazzi setups chez Chloé needs to be WRANGLED in the extreme because they are running seriously amok over there. What the hell is this. You might recall Sydney’s previous insane Chloé-branded pap walk in August where for some reason they dressed her up like the Bratz doll version of Serena van der Woodsen. I think this outfit would’ve otherwise been pretty unremarkable if they had just let her close that jacket all the way instead of shoving one more plug for this hideous nameplate belt in there. They’ve been inflicting this thing on celebs since the Met Gala and have yet to convince literally anyone of its appeal. Also, what is she wearing layered under this sheer blouse because it looks like a sports bra.
Ok but this, on the other hand, is weirdly fabulous, no? I understand that the bag belongs to Irina Shayk’s daughter, but it’s really working for me here juxtaposed against the big, black cocoon puffer and Matrix wraparound shades. It’s like those bean bag chairs Bottega Veneta made for their Spring 2025 runway show but turned into a plushy tote. I must say, however, I am more than ready to see the Margiela tabi slip back out of mainstream popularity again. Let us artsy fashion freaks have something for ourselves!
And we’re going to close out today’s email with a cameo from the eternal siren of Mess trendsetting and back-to-the-office evangelist, Julia Fox, who as always is doing many things here I enjoy, but that altogether are way too much for one outfit. The bull horned corset with the button-up secretary skirt are actually, shockingly, perfect together. Although, tragically overshadowed here by the puffer, massive hair bow and hybrid shoe-bag. But I actually am obsessed with the jumbo goth coquette core headpiece, I just think it deserves an outfit where it’s the star of the show. I also think it needs to be styled more jauntily askew instead of sitting dead center atop her head And, as is always the case with Julia’s shoes and handbags, the combo ballet flat purse feels completely overkill to me. But I do appreciate it in so far as it proves yet another one of my 2025 fashion predictions correct and we’re not even at the end of January yet. Doubling down on my fashion fortune telling abilities, she also carried that new Chopova Lowena x Hellmann's bag with the jar of mayo and victorian spoon strapped to the front during her appearance on Late Night. And I was pleased to see that she also re-wore those very precarious Dsquared ice skate heels. She is truly fashion’s bravest soldier.
Well, now that you’ve all guzzled down this swill from the bottom of Benson Boone’s boot, I’ve gotta skedaddle.
Goodbye, my loves!
Crikey!
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See ya around, superstars!
Damn I wish I had a bunch of iPod nanos to make a top out of
I did the same thing w TikTok!! I’m so sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!