Greetings, Messketeers!
I had a very nice week, I hope you did as well. I met my old roommate’s baby for the first time and, though he is still non-verbal, I believe we had an instant connection and I know he would say the same if he could. During that outing, I also had some absolutely phenomenal mac and cheese and that is something that really should be treasured and celebrated as it is surprisingly difficult to come across.
In regards to today’s newsletter title, I just find the name for Meghan Markle’s new lifestyle venture so preposterously stupid I can’t stop repeating it to myself. American. Riviera. Orchard. It’s so meaningless and yet so elitist. But I do love the Preserve vibes of it all. And as for today’s subtitle, I just wanted to say that I, for one, enjoyed the bluntness of Al Pacino’s approach to announcing Best Picture winner and I think we could really streamline this whole process if the Oscars would just employ a few more famous 80 year olds to jump straight to the point. I want only the actors who can barely read and barely understand where they are to do all the important announcements from now on. Also, I think it’s now the law that Ryan Gosling has to do a big musical number every year for our entertainment??? Since I just fully segued into Oscars talk, I guess I should mention that I wrote about the show and the clothing therein at length for paid subscribers this week, so if you want to hear my infinite thoughts on both the red carpet and the after parties, head on over there.
But one thing I forgot to mention in that email is the general award season trend that’s been going on of deeply underwhelming styling. In fact, I would go so far as to say there’s no styling going on at all! It’s like everyone is so focused on securing the gown they then completely forget about every other aspect that goes with it. I’ve seen a whole lot of jewel-less extremities out there. A lot of boring and basic footwear. And enough hairdo-less hair to put every salon in Los Angeles out of business. Overall, it also just feels like there’s no mixing and matching going on, just straight off the runway fits. It’s starting to make me feel nostalgic for the days of Rachel Zoe maximalism, and trust me you don’t want that comeback either! Anyway, subscribe to this newsletter please. I love you. I’m trying to make this my job.
This week, I also tested out shooting a little YouTube video which I recorded on my laptop because I am old and don’t understand cameras and it seems fine, so whatever. It’s about my fav celeb trends of 2024 so far (mostly butts) and it remains to be seen if this amateur film will ever see the light of day, but I have plans to finish editing it this weekend and then perhaps I’ll share it with you all if I don’t find it too painfully embarrassing. Oh yeah, and I also don’t think I ever mentioned it in this email, but I was interviewed for this story in SF Gate about why every celeb eats at the same strip mall sushi joint (spoiler: it’s not the sushi). And my old boss Elana at Page Six also gave me a very nice shout out in her article about napkincore and how it dominated the Oscars, which felt like a very full-circle moment considering the slightly infamous way in which I left that media institution four-ish years ago.
And finally, my pals One Whale’s Tale are putting on three encore performances of their play Private Party at We Are Here in Bushwick next week. If you are interested in the performing arts and would like to go, they’ve given Messketeers the special discount code “TWENTY” to score $20 tickets. The show is a good time and as an added bonus you’ll also get a lot of snacks, cake, and drinks for attending. Plus, you just might see me there!
Also! We need to coin a name for wearing double corduroy the same way we call double denim a Canadian tuxedo, and we need to do it NOW! Please message me your proposals pronto.
Ok, let’s boogie.
I want to start things off here today with this powerful message because yes. Absolutely. I’ve never been more ready to bring fear back to these award shows. With the eradication of Fashion Police and most major publication’s worst-dressed lists, celebs have become far too complacent on the red carpet. There is no one there to bully them into doing better sartorially, to poke and prod at their attire until it doesn’t suck quite so badly. And you better believe I am prepared to be that sharp stick doing the poking and the prodding if anyone will let me.
Or, if Hollywood is still feeling a bit too fragile to hear my harsh truths about their attire, the above is also a burden I am more than willing to take on. If you are a person of note who finds themselves wanting to look like mess on the red carpet as some sort of “protest,” I am most definitely your gal. I’ll have you out there on that step-and-repeat looking like a bonafide bucket of chum faster than you can say Spongebob Squarepants. Hollywood! Call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I promise I am not about dive into the myriad fringe Kate Middleton conspiracy theories that I’m sure are currently flooding your TikTok feeds with the weirdest takes you’ve ever heard. Especially as most of them are just proof of the public’s profound media illiteracy and lack of familiarity with how SEO and resurfacing content works. However, I do need to speak my truth about this one aspect of this whole debacle which is that THIS is the most normal thing going on in that whole doctored image. I will not have my classic childhood pastimes besmirched by the hyper-paranoid hunting for photoshop clues. Crossing my middle finger over every other finger on my hand was a PRIMARY activity for me between the ages of 3 and 6 and I will not allow Louis’s name to be dragged through the mud because of it. He’s only been cognizant of having hands for like 5 years now, and it is his right to enjoy exploring the upper limits of his dexterity without the American public declaring that he’s actually throwing up gang signs for the illuminati or whatever. Contort away with those fingies, my sweet prince!!!
As always, with every fresh fact I learn about Aretha Franklin and her predilections, I realize anew the true caliber of diva-dom that has been lost to this world. I need every pop star to take a note. And, once again, the only person we have out there who’s even coming close to being Aretha’s rightful heir to the prima donna throne is Mariah Carey. Because I will never ever forget in 2015 when the paparazzi and their telephoto lenses somehow got pics of her aboard her then-billionaire fiancé’s yacht floating around the Mediterranean while listening to her own greatest hits. Already iconic behavior, but then the following year we also learned that she makes restaurants put on her songs to accompany her entrance into their dining establishment. Who else is doing it for you like this! And which star will step up to help carry the diva load that has been placed squarely upon Mariah’s shoulders!!!
On the opposite end of the diva spectrum has got to be celebs showing off their tooth nubs on social media. I am begging — BEGGING — for this behavior to stop. I never ever need to see the shaved down little enamel stub that lurks beneath these people’s Chiclet veneers for as long as I live. I have been thoroughly chilled by such imagery too many times for one person to bear. This is my personal equivalent of hearing nails on a chalk board. Also, I noticed during the Oscars an outpouring of enthusiasm from the public at seeing people with their natural god-given teeth on the red carpet and I think we might be beginning to see some serious pushback to the dominant hyper-perfect Hollywood aesthetic. I think people are increasingly desirous of real teeth, real faces, non-ozempified bodies, and full buccal fat, or at least the verisimilitude of all of the above. And if that really does prove to be the case, our current set of celebs are going to have an incredibly hard time reversing everything they’ve already had done in order to give us that. But that’s also kind of thrilling because it could open the door to completely replacing them with a new crop of “more realistic” looking stars.
Anyway, as I said up top, I already unpacked all of my thoughts about the Oscars behind the paywall, but I do just need to add this late entry as Donata Wenders has instantly soared to the tippity-top of my best dressed list. Not only is the concept fantastic — both thematically appropriate and actually funny — but the execution is also superb! Even without the detail that this is made out of VHSs of her husband’s movies, the texture and the silhouette are major. To say nothing of the VHS clutch!!! I’m actually surprised Balenciaga didn’t come up with this idea first as it seems extremely up their alley.
And the last thing I’ll say about that award show (in this email anyway) is that I sincerely hope Paul Giamatti got paid beaucoup bucks for this black-tie brand integration after all the free promo he gave the fast food chain following his viral post Golden Globes and Critic’s Choice Awards dinners at their establishment. A moment that made me wonder why In-N-Out hasn’t gotten into the merch game before now, and also why more corporations aren’t trying to buy ad space in celebrities actual red carpet attire. Like, obviously the vast majority of “getting ready” videos are bought and paid for by beauty and skincare brands, and the wearing of couture designers is a paid placement in its own right, but where are the bedazzled McDonald’s clutches filled with fries to snack on through the ceremony? The Kirkland Signature tuxedos?? Let’s take those Coldstone Creamery red carpet activations to the next level! If H&M can convince famous people to wear their dresses to the Met Gala, why can’t ExxonMobil.
Now someone else who I hope got a BIG check for their public endorsement of a brand is this billionaire shilling knock-off designer shoes. It’s actually funny to see this full-circle moment for the KarJenner family because I feel like Kylie’s older sisters fought so hard for so long to be taken seriously in the world of high fashion. Kanye made Kim cancel all those licensing deals and start being radically choosier with what designers she wears and magazines she appears on the covers of, only for Kylie to profit from all of those high-end designer connections to the point that she can now reincorporate working with cheap brands all over again. And, as always, agreeing to these types of sponsorship deals always makes me wonder are these girls secretly in dire financial straits or are they just truly this money hungry? I always assume it’s gotta be the latter, but you truly never know with the way they over-extend themselves monetarily between owning multiple mega-mansions, private jets, and the string of failed businesses they leave in their wake. Also, lest you think I’m besmirching Sam Edelman’s good name, I am in no way being paid for this endorsement, but I do own those shoes on the left that are almost an exact replica of The Row’s mary janes (and which I wrote about here) and they are extremely comfortable.
Since we’re talking about that family anyway, I suppose I’ll briefly touch upon the most interesting thing Kim Kardashian has done in months, nay YEARS, which is accidentally leave her iPhone unlocked and flash the home screen at the cameras allowing us all to see exactly which apps she’s using in heavy rotation. Honestly, this is the only type of celebrity lifestyle reporting that actually interests me. I feel like this is a truer insight into a famous person’s personality than any interview or PR source quote will ever give us. While none of them are surprising, per se, I do love seeing how obsessed she is with tabloids. I’ve covered this world professionally for the last decade plus and not even I have gone so far as to download apps for the websites that make my career possible. I check them on a web browser multiple times a day in shame like a normal person! I also enjoy the diversity of image altering apps she has here and would once again like to gently make the suggestion that she stop doing her own retouching work and outsource it to a professional instead because she is very, very bad at it. Also, I’m delighted to see X there right up top as I feel like that means she definitely saw my recent viral tweet about her looking like a napkin at a fancy restaurant. And finally, I was struck by her use of the Snow and the Singal app which I have to assume is being used exclusively for sending nudes, but I’m going to need a journalist to press her on that topic the next opportunity they get.
Now, with all talk of those tiresome ladies out of the way, it’s time to dive head first into the Mess trend corner. Thanks to Teyana Taylor, we got even more butt cleavage this week in the form of these pants she wore to the club with Leo DiCaprio that feature an intergluteal cleft cutout tethered in place by a single string traversing her lower back. Attire aside, I’m also fascinated by this image because it seems to me that Leo’s PR team has decided to let Teyana fill the hole left by this actor’s showmance with Gigi Hadid as I saw a whole bunch of headlines proclaiming that something romantic might be transpiring between the two of them after they were photographed speaking very closely. As though both stars aren’t hyper-aware of the cameras’ flashbulbs trained on them in this pitch-black room and aren’t trying to promote their forthcoming film in which they play a Bonnie & Clyde-esque couple. Another nice try on the part of Leo’s team to make us believe that this man is capable of seeing a woman over the age of 25 as sexually viable, but they’ve once again chosen someone who is not only 33 but is also a mother to TWO children. Right out the gate, she is so far outside of Leo’s wheelhouse it’s not even funny. But if anyone should be able to make him believe in the appeal of a grown-ass woman in her thirties, it ought to be Teyana and her unstoppable “Fade” physique.
And I just need you to know that new examples of exposed buttocks dressing are coming in so hot and heavy, I actually had to completely rearrange this newsletter at the last minute in order to include this example flagged by a Messketeer just this morning. Chloe Bailey is now also following Katy Perry’s lead in a lace-up dress that leaves the full expanse of crack exposed. Much like Katy, she also kept a G-string on underneath this posterior peekaboo latticework and, as I said last week, I just think the thong is overkill! We can see the butt, we know the butt is out, we don’t need the straps to underscore that point. I say let the cheeks stand on their own!
Cardi B also unleashed the glutes for her new music video “Enough” and I appreciate her innovative approach to doing so. Instead of just giving us another laced-up situation or a dramatic low back, she paired a thong with hip-high matching boots to create a sort of cobbled together chaps situation. This actually immediately reminded me of those boots from Rihanna’s collaboration with Manolo Blahnik and I’m curious why we haven’t seen any celebs trying to bring those back yet and pair them with just a G-string. (Kim K, I’m looking at you. As the pioneer of the fashion chaps movement, I’m begging you to start dressing relevantly again.)
And I had to make another last-minute addition to this newsletter in the from of this red stick-on look on the left as it is yet another perfect example of my scarily psychic Mess abilities. This one has genuinely rocked me to my core. Because after two seasons of me presciently proclaiming my love in this newsletter for the insanity that is The Black Tape Project and the extremely graphic apparel they make out of electrical tape and send models down the runway in, here is Cardi B wearing a custom taped-up look that I am 99.99999% sure that brand is responsible for making. As a longtime fan, those little moto stripe details are the dead giveaway for me. And I must once again inquire, how do I still not have any fashion consulting gigs? How has no celebrity poached me to be their creative director?!? I just might be Hollywood’s biggest untapped resource. I have become genuinely afraid of my own ability to speak trends into existence and I don’t understand why no one is paying me to do this on their behalf.
It seems that the stunt Patron Saint of Mess, Julia Fox, pulled the other week wearing those old DSquared2 ice skating heels was successful in getting the twins’ attention because Dean and Dan invited her to join them as their guest at Elton John’s Oscars party, dressing her in one of their new designs. And I need to know why the tabloids blurred out her chest in this dress so aggressively because, from the way they did the censoring, I thought something much more outrageous was going on with Julia’s nipples. But given the year we just had where everyone was letting their titties out unencumbered, I was actually surprised by how demure Julia was being with these door knob cover-ups. Interestingly, I think what does move the look back into minorly lewd territory isn’t how much breast I can see, but rather how tight the garment is over them. Not only are these gilded drawer pulls aggressively pressing into her areola, but a good quarter of her chest is also trapped beneath these fabric panels. I feel like it would look better if they added some of that gold chain below the nipple covers as well so that her boobs could flop freely over the top of the bodice.
Julia then followed up her high-glam appearances at the Oscars afterparties with a cozier off-duty fit that feels like the most authentically 2010 thing I’ve seen in a minute. I think it’s the rectangular glasses paired with the copper ballerina flat. And I do appreciate her attention to detail in matching her smoothie to her knitwear for this paparazzi set-up. The knee-highs are extremely grandma, but as we will discuss below, I also think this type of hosiery is on the verge of having a major trending moment. And it probably wouldn’t hurt for all of us to start integrating a few more pairs of compression stockings into our OOTDs anyway.
Before I vamoose, we of course must speak about Kristen Stewart who has been doing the most to normalize underwear as acceptable outerwear during her press tour for Love Lies Bleeding this week. As always, all of these outfits are extremely K.Stew in a way only she can truly pull off and I applaud her decision to mostly relegate her Chanel contract exclusively to the brand’s less egregious handbags. Although, the head-to-toe Chanel athleisure look in the center is actually an inspired move and also highlights a much more street style-friendly direction the brand could go in. I wish they would take her up on it. That said, I’m ready for her to retire this same pair of burgundy pumps with every fit. Kristen’s also really been pushing this hosiery agenda, wearing a black pair of knee-highs like Julia’s with a maxi skirt and then breaking out some thigh-highs for this look on the left. But the trouble always seems to come with the hose that get paired with these brief-ier looks because, much like the bodysuit fiasco from last week, her stylist has once again put her in a sheer tight with a visible control top panel that is peaking out of the bottom of these micro-shorts making it look like she’s got a weird upper-thigh tan line. Why! Sheers that are sheer to the waist exist!!!! And I feel like this look didn’t even need pantyhose to begin with. I can’t believe Tara Swennen and I are about to come to blows over her inability to choose the correct pair of L’eggs. Anyway, what’s actually my favorite detail about this outfit on the right is Victoria’s Secret’s desperation to let me know that they are the makers of Kristen’s nude bra that you can’t actually see. And, as anyone who read my Golden Globes coverage already knows, my new passion in life is VS sending out press releases to confirm famous people are wearing their underwear even when it’s completely invisible to the human eye, and I seriously want them to start lying about who is wearing their no-show underpinnings thus making famous people have to prove otherwise if they care so much about getting their lingerie credits right.
Ok well, much like Drew Barrymore Single White Female-ing The Rock, I’ve had a charmingly unhinged time here today.
But alas, it’s now time for you to leave me alone. I’m tired!! Do you think this wig is going to powder itself???
See you later, you silly geese!
Time for my little end of email spiel:
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Keep clinging to your last shreds of sanity, my friends!!!