All my homies love Paul Dano
Quentin's just mad he won't show feet.
Season’s Greetings, Messketeers!
I’m back and it’s decidedly winter out here in New York City and all of my best cashmere beanies have suddenly gone missing…..Hope you’re staying warm wherever you are.
Fran is also back in robust health for any who were concerned. She is obsessed with the cold weather, so we have been spending much time this week just standing around on the sidewalk while she sticks her snoot straight into the air to smell all the fine doggy smells the season has to offer. My mom also sent her a fresh elk antler for Christmas that she has been relentlessly destroying for the last 24 hours straight. So, in other words, all is well.
As foretold, I went up to Maine for Thanksgiving and it was a pure delight. It was a short trip, but I got a full-sized helping of snow, nature, and local eats. It was also my best friend’s baby’s first Thanksgiving outside of the womb and so we spent much of the holiday creating photo opportunities by placing him on a pint-size sheepskin rug in various locales around her parents’ home. We were also put in charge of festive decor for their 30-person dinner and, as you can see below, I was quite proud of the results of our locally-foraged tablescape. Can you tell literally all of my friends are professional florists and designers? I have high expectations to live up to:
Since getting back home, I’ve been having an extremely crafty kick-off to the yuletide. This began in earnest over the weekend when I was browsing antique Christmas decorations on Etsy late one night, saw a profoundly overpriced paper star topper with a kewpie face painted on it and thought to myself……I can definitely make that. I then proceeded to actually fabricate exactly that out of cardboard and Mod Podge! Since discovering the power of Mod Podge, I feel a whole new echelon of crafting has opened up to me. It is an incredible tool in my DIY arsenal, and I feel we are not talking about it nearly enough.
Anyway, my star’s a little rough around the edges, but it is extremely cute and made me feel as though I can truly make anything out of anything. And because I had a Christmas tree topper, I was then inspired this week to buy a real Christmas tree to place it upon. I have always been anti buying a Christmas tree in the city as I know acutely just how deeply I am being swindled and price-gouged, but I decided this year that the swindle and gouge is part of the whole seasonal experience and at least I’m being swindled and gouged by the lovely old man who runs the local florist in my neighborhood. It could be worse.
But while I was fixated on the cost of this evergreen shrub, what I didn’t foresee is the Pandora’s box of Christmas crafting I was opening by purchasing it. Because now that I have the tree and the homemade topper and the lights, I need ornaments. And not just any ornaments, obviously, but only ones made by my own two hands will now do!!!! So, of course, like clockwork my best friend sent me a link to the Never Done newsletter where she just finished making the most incredible clay ornaments I’ve ever seen of various fruits and vegetables with silly little faces on them, and now I’m all-in on a brand new all-consuming activity. (The first of many, I’m sure, as every post from Julie is seriously inspiring.) Pray for me. But also if you have suggestions on what ornament creatures I should make, drop them below. So far, I’m thinking a crescent moon smoking a cigarette and a bunch of grapes with different little faces on each grape.
And just to round out this burst of unexplained creativity, I took a free sewing 101 class at the library and it was a really good time! Mostly we just learned how to thread the bobbin and set up the machine, but it was a very helpful hands-on primer and nice to have an expert there watching you do it all as it feels like there’s truly a million tiny things that can go wrong at any given moment. Also, a good reminder that your local library has so many cool, free classes that you can take. Like now that I’ve taken that intro class, I can go to any of the free sew hours they host daily at the library and use the machine and get advice from the teacher on any projects I’m working on. How awesome of a resource is that?!
Oh, and finally, here is my/Alec Baldwin’s official statement on this stupid Paul Dano drama. The only statement that truly matters:
Okie-dokie, hope those leftovers are still tiding you over. Now here’s some bad fashions to top you off!
To open today’s screed, I must discuss two top-tier, premium examples of one of my most treasured Instagram phenomenons of the modern era — when celebrities completely construct their face within the FaceTune app with no regard for proportion, texture, or realism. Outstanding stuff. This is surely going to be one of the massive losses of the AI apocalypse. You may be thinking to yourself right now, but Emily, these faces are AI?? Yes, but they are AI rendered by the hands of real humans, and that maniacal, utterly fallible intervention makes them infinitely more incredible works of art than anything a computer algorithm could single-handedly construct.
For those who haven’t been keeping up, Amy Schumer lost some weight and so she has spent the last month relentlessly doing photo shoots on these brown carpeted stairs in her home. Absolutely no one else is pointing this out, but that choice of backdrop for these images and the fact that it never changes is, to me, the most troubling aspect of the whole social media endeavor. People are also saying these images are her divorce announcement prelude, which given the very wild things she’s been saying about her marriage publicly and the barrage of source-quoted tabloid stories that have come out every single day since then, I feel it’s abundantly clear this breakup has already happened.
As for Abby Lee Miller, deciding to follow her on Instagram is quite possibly the best life decision I’ve ever made. She is a maestro of the medium. If you thought her airplane aisle sidestep was artful, just get a load of what she did to Neil Patrick Harris’s face here. However, NPH immediately proved himself to be unworthy of having this great honor bestowed upon him as he left a comment daring to question what Abby had done to his appearance……like what do you mean, sir? All I see is two naturally glamorous divas before me. Anyway, the best part of this whole image isn’t even NPH’s copy and pasted Memoji face, but the fact that this is one image in a triptych of selfies that Abby took with all the stars of the play Art, and the Dance Moms dictator didn’t alter a single hair on James Corden or Bobby Cannavale’s heads.
A Metaphysical Quandary
Speaking of the simulacrum of a human visage. I read this headline and was immediately confronted with the great philosophical question for the ages: If you replace every single part of your face except for your nose, is it even still technically your face???? Please sound off in the comments below.
A Rage Bait Lullaby
And just one additional note on the Kardashian front. We already talked about this on the paid sub livestream last week, but have you all noticed that Kim has suddenly turned up the rage bait dial to 11? And I’m not even including the “low brain activity” revelation that feels like she is trying to promote Prenuvo while entrapping me into publishing the most obvious punchline of all time.
No, instead I am speaking of the many provocative fashion antics she has been getting up to with illegal pelts, rare museum couture pieces, and vague allusions to cultural appropriation this week. For those who missed this rekindled passion for the relentless antagonization of the public, it all began when Kim was showing off some behind-the-scenes footage of her All’s Fair wardrobe (despite the fact that the entire show is essentially just BTS footage of her wardrobe), and amidst the montage she flaunted her extremely rare (read: now illegal) vintage elephant hide Birkin bag. Yes, elephant. HUGE ew. Even by her usual standards. Just when I think this family has found every way to gross me out they possibly can, they find all-new horrors to unleash. Congrats to Kim on this coup of profound .001%-er apathy and indecency.
She then followed that up by taking a dip in the ocean in an archival McQueen gown that is not just theoretically museum-caliber, this Spring 2003 dress quite literally was on display at The Met as part of the 2011 “Savage Beauty” exhibition. And I’m no preservationist, but I can’t imagine submerging twenty-year-old organza in sea salt and dragging it through the sand is great for the integrity of the garment or its longevity. But also, given the ripped Marilyn dress of it all…..who is surprised.
And just to round things out, this was by far the least offensive Instagram activity she got up to this week, but it was an odd callback to her offensive behavior of the past. For some reason Kim wore a kimono with her TV character’s initials embroidered onto the obi and with embroidery on the inside that read “KIMono by Milligan,” which is a reference to when everyone accused Kim of cultural appropriation for naming her shapewear brand Kimono and so she hurriedly changed it to Skims. My, how the times of cultural cancellation have changed!
Of course, nothing these gals do is actually cancellable behavior because they have proven Trumpian in their un-cancel-ability. Because of that fact, this is also very much par for the reality show course. ESPECIALLY given Kim proudly outing herself as MAGA this year. A political pivot that is actually bad news for them and their love of PR stunts like this because, in the MAGA-verse, purses made from the hides of animals killed on safari, the desecration of artistic masterpieces, and the desecration of other cultures is just all in a day’s work, babe. If Kim actually wants to bait us, at this point, she’s going to have to straight up join ICE or something.
Shoulder Cushions Cont’d
As a quick palette cleanser before we discuss the greatest red carpet image I’ve seen in an eon, here’s Zoe Saldaña in a Marine Serre dress with a very plumped-up shoulder strap. I wanted to share this given everything we’ve been discussing lately in regards to both futuristic epaulettes and puffed-up crash-dummy garments, which I firmly believe will continue to take over the red carpet as we head into the new year. Also, now that I’ve started spotting these types of slimline shoulder pads, I truly can’t stop!
Paparazzi Fine Art
And now we’ve finally arrived at the type of image that I feel is the very reason this newsletter exists. The method to my madness. The wind beneath my wings. Sorry to PETA and actress Wallis Day pictured here, but this is art. Nay! A magnum opus. As always, Carine Roitfeld was unbelievably correct and ahead of her time when she did that entire 2008 fashion editorial in Vogue Paris documenting this exact tense dynamic. As I always say, give me fashion with a baked-in narrative, and this has that in spades. Although I do have to give one tiny piece of constructive criticism to this PETA protester, which is that I feel like it might be a touch more impactful if you waited to unfurl your sign when a celeb actually wearing leather was on the step and repeat.
Weather Advisory
Something else I positively loved at this year’s Fashion Awards was Gwendoline Christie’s seriously windswept hair. Yes! Again, it places me within a story already unfolding, it gives an unexpected context to an otherwise simple outfit. I’m obsessed and I feel like we haven’t had a big ol’ dollop of hair like this in decades. I’m ready for massive, ornately constructed ‘dos and beehives to come roaring back into the zeitgeist. Enough with the flat and shiny limp locks, I crave this roughed-up tumbleweed situated atop the dome like a shtreimel.
Also, as loooongtime readers know, I have a pet passion for paparazzi images featuring celebs being absolutely smacked sideways by a weather event despite their best-laid plans, and this hair provides me with exactly that same sense of joy.
Take Off Your Pants and Jacket
Gwendoline wasn’t the only celeb on that particular red carpet who found themselves in a state of controlled disarray. A micro trend emerged from that evening in the form of gowns that appeared to be sliding off the body. Love Island UK icon Maura Higgins wore this Robert Wun Fall 2025 Couture gown and Leomie Anderson wore a strikingly similar custom FANCì CLUB design that I can’t help but feel heavily referenced the Wun original. So obviously, Maura wins this half-dressed-off as I think such a state of dishabille requires precision in its execution lest you look like you actually slap-dashed a look together as you were headed out the door. And you all know my feelings on illusion mesh……especially when that mesh is not matched to the wearer’s real flesh-tone, nor fitted to their bodies in a way that allows it to actually operate as an “illusion.”
Anyway, construction aside, I just thought it was notable that both these ladies who are no stranger to an extremely naked dress instead opted for a trompe l’oeil gray area. I think everyone is quickly catching on that just serving up body pure and simple is no longer a functional way to generate the attention they crave. But by giving it this semi-clothed framework, I feel like the nudity is placed more within the “wardrobe malfunction” category where it can feel almost scandalous anew as it suggests we’re seeing something we shouldn’t be. Plus, you know that I ride for a hat that can double as a discus should a sudden track-and-field competition arise.
A Smorgasbord for the Eye
In further news from that red carpet, here’s a few more fun ideas that I witnessed at this year’s Fashion Awards. I do strongly dislike Ashley Roberts’s Agro Studio gown as it reminds me of the type of fashion you’d typically see in the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, but I wanted to include it to show you how these types of body-on-body lumps and bumps have been integrated into otherwise very mainstream tastes. This is like a pannier skirt crossed with Skims hip pads — a fascinating, distinctly non-human silhouette that is being sold back to us as the height of sexy.
Lisa Rinna opted for something equally physically impossible, but kept the focus all on the shoulder area in this Maximilian Raynor gown. As I’ve always said, Lisa is eternally at her sartorial strongest when wearing massive amounts of fabric and volume, and I think this look is no exception to that rule. As I’ve also always said, her glam squad (specifically her wig master) is what keeps these looks from being a true high fashion success every single time. Lisa would be incredibly well-served by a few less Yes Gays in her life.
And I wanted to quickly mention FKA twigs because while the second-skin Paolo Carzana dress is pretty standard fair for the pop star, I was struck by both this clutch — which looks like someone tried to make a cornucopia basket out of a dreadlock — and her choice to wear these nude sheer tights atop her platform mary-janes. Very Margiela meets Westwood styling! There’s also something a little eerie to it, like she’s a glimmering Victorian spectre floating down the step-and-repeat. Now, where was this optical illusion back in October!!!
Ballooning Proportions
Last but not least, I thought both these outfits were fantastic examples of what I was trying to say the other week about what’s going on out there with volume and scale right now! It’s not just oversized, it’s intentionally bulky in almost an inflatable way. It renders the wearer an IRL Simpsons character. It’s like this year’s big shapes on the red carpet took on a more subdued form so that you could still wear them on a packed subway car.
Chloë Sevigny chose this vibrant green Saint Laurent Fall 2025 mini dress for the Gotham Awards, and I saw multiple viral posts this week about this Marc Jacobs Spring 2025 top which is now for sale for a mere two grand. Is this look unflattering? Of course, and in fact, I feel like that’s kind of the point? After some of the nudest years on record and our culture’s renewed fixation on policing and slenderizing the female body, there’s something about refusing traditional curve-hugging silhouettes and intentionally adding bulk where we don’t usually see it that actually feels incredibly modern and a little liberating.
Well, it’s over! I too am in utter shock and disbelief, but I must bring today’s newsletter to a close. I hope you all enjoyed the atrocities you saw here today. Next week I will return with some hot and fresh Mess Recs for paid subs just in time for the holidays (but do NOT call it a gift guide!!!) followed by even more troubling celebrity apparel next Friday. Have a perfect weekend, besties!
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I really want to see this tree topper. We’ve been making spun cotton ornaments, painting them as pears and turnips and oranges, and mod podging on a glass-shard glitter. Spikey and incredible. Big recommend. I need to follow your lead and personify some.
Where is #danonation amidst this drama????? Both shocked and appalled that Quentin is not being severely bullied by the girls